Death by 1,000 Cuts

My plans for submission include formatting my work to the William Shunn format, revising after Dr. Byrd’s feedback, and writing individual letters to various publications. I’m also opening a Submittable account because it will allow me to find the perfect places to submit my work.

Below I included my short author bio.

Kylie Jo Hood is a former Neurosurgery Product Manager for Zimmer Biomet and is living in Atlanta, GA. She has a BS in Sociology and Women’s Studies from the University of Georgia. This is her first work of published fiction.

The letter I write to accompany “Fear of Falling” will be specific to the publication I’m submitting to.

I’ll be honest; I’m scared to submit my work. I’m always afraid I’m not good enough, and I struggle with rejection. I’m severe Type A, and I will beat that horse until it’s good and dead. I’m going to submit several pieces this summer. I appreciate the feedback and additional information on my peers’ blogs. That gives me so many avenues to choose from, and I can learn from their experiences.

Dramatize rather than summarize the text tells budding writers. (103) I find myself weaving in and out of dramatizing and summarizing the story. Several edits later, I decided to revisit the content of Module 4. After working on this post and the rough draft for my story, I re-watched Jeff Dufresne’s “How to Write a Story” several times and plotted critical moments of my story on the “modified Freytag Pyramid.” I concluded that I needed to gut the story and do a re-write. The climax felt anti-climactic, and the falling action felt too abrupt. One paragraph was more robust than the others, and I used it to identify how to strengthen weak points within my story.

In the video, Jeff Dufresne illustrates the use of details within a story to replace a formal introduction for a longer Shakespearean play. I added, “external details” that enriched my characters and gave readers context to their “internal” desires. Adding an insert on Mabel’s husband made her more human and added meaning to her eventual need to use his walker. Details about Mabel’s house help enrich the story because the reader understands her already compromised position as she struggles to maintain independence. For example, one line said, “Mabel was humiliated.” I then changed the line to “By the end of the trip, Mabel smelled like a distillery and felt like she’d swallowed a goose egg whole. The egg in her throat felt dense and made it difficult to swallow, choking her with newfound humiliation.”

Editing and re-writes helped me recognize the need for more substantial vocabulary to elevate the story. Connecting your words on an emotional level with the reader is essential because you also connect them to your characters. As Kurt Vonnegut said in his video, you need at least one person rooting for your character. As a writer, I put myself in the shoes of that person who cares about Mabel’s fate. Editing and revisions feel like bruises within a story because sometimes the issues are dark and flourishing, and sometimes, they are just light yellow and a hazy brown.

There will never be a remission. As Jack Nicholson so eloquently put it, “this is as good as it gets.” Or was it a question not a statement? Either way, this is as good as it gets. Please don’t mistake my the above statement for ingratitude. I will always love your thoughts and prayers. Some days they are all I have to keep pushing the ball up the God-forsaken hill. It’s a hard place to be when you have something you can’t work yourself out of or pray your way into remission. It’s hard knowing it’s forever and people keep asking what the prognosis is.

For the record, I love people asking, loving, and caring. Please know my answers aren’t always easy ones. Sometimes it’s easier to lie and say “I’m ok” or “I’m getting better.” Facing the truth is sometimes too painful in the stark light of day. Learning to live with it is harder than I ever imagined. I want so much more. I had so much more. Sometimes I wish I could be half as brave as others facing similar adversity. My bravery stops just short because of my overwhelming desire to return to my life. There is progress, but it’s slow and will take years for me to gain the health needed to take on my next big life project. The Almighty gives us a clear guideline on how to deal with pain and suffering. Didn’t he suffer immensely for little personal gain? What is clear is that I’m no Job. I can only lean in and try a little harder every day. There is no sugar to coat the s**t. All I can ask for is your love and support.

I cannot believe this semester is over. Thanks for allowing me a space to share my journey. I have struggled to keep up with the pace of the class due to a migraine that has not left me in 19 days. Truthfully I'm just glad I finished at all. Thanks, everyone. Have a great summer.

The definition of revisions is the act of revising. Interestingly this circular thought applies to everything in our lives. Isn’t it all just one significant revision? I enjoy editing and reading others’ work more than my own. Things that I am blind to in my work become prominent and clear within the words of others. Compared to my peers I feel inadequate and small. I feel like I’m baring my soul and character and the fates found it wanting. Reading my work is like watching C-SPAN for about 4 hours on repeat. Then once I’ve read it, I want to discard it rather than revise it. I understand revision is essential to a writer’s process, but I have not mastered it.

Feeling better has a price. I have had seven good days in a row which means I haven’t had to go to bed during the day, I’m attending physical therapy, and I finally weaned off another ½ mg of prednisone. While I’m thrilled, doing more also has a price. After a vigorous physical therapy session, I got caught in a pain crisis. For those of you who have never experienced a pain crisis, it’s like knowing you’re drowning and you’re pulling in the water anyway because you’re desperate for air. Then it’s like slowly being compressed with pain until your brain explodes and you slowly lose your mind.  All the progress for the last seven days has come to an abrupt halt like a car hitting a concrete barrier. In the days leading up to the crash, I was rolling out my muscles with a handheld muscle roller to move the additional fluid buildup out of my muscles and into my bloodstream so I could do heavy detox. I spend 1-2 hours every morning on the amethyst BioMat to help ease my pain and remove toxins. 

My eyes are twitching, I have a full body rash, and I’m acting like a junkie waiting for their next hit. Who knew that weaning off steroids would be so hard? It’s been a harrowing experience for sure. Just getting out of bed is like climbing Everest with 100 lb weights strapped to my back and feet. The hyperbaric chamber is on hold due to the ongoing steroid wean and a raging sinus infection. However, I’m continuing with the NAET acupressure treatments, and they are likely the tenuous thread keeping me from jumping off a cliff. Despite feeling like an addict waiting for a hit, I have managed to pursue physical therapy around 3 or 4 times a week. It takes all I have to get there, but I’m there. Progress albeit slow is still progress.

   Before this journey, I purchased a very expensive Amethyst BioMat because I heard of it’s healing and detoxing properties. I used it for many years and experienced benefits but stopped when I was forced to relocate to my parent’s home. Yes I am THAT cliche, but I’m sick, and it doesn’t count, right? Recently I began using the BioMat again to help me with my joints in the morning, and although it takes about 1-2 hours, I see benefits. I almost immediately fall asleep on the mat, and when I wake up I feel rested, and my joints don’t seem to hurt as bad. Blindly I bought this mat and didn’t understand how it worked. Through this project, I’ve learned a lot about the mat and myself. I’ve learned not to throw money at the problem without research. Now on a fixed income, I realize the error of that line of thinking, but desperate times an all that. Luckily the amethyst BioMat turned out to be a sound investment, and now I get to share some of its benefits.

The  BioMat“stimulates ion channels by producing negative ions that deliver energy to the cells of the body” The BioMat is constructed of has layers of amethyst, “which allow the far infrared rays and negative ions to penetrate the body deeply” which helps with a wide array of health issues. Based on the FDA’s 510k indications the mat promotes relaxation of muscles and an increase in circulation. The benefits include relief from muscle pain, joint stiffness, spasms, strains, and sprains. The site also indicates that the BioMat can help reduce stress, support the immune system, promotes sleep, and reduces inflammation (The Science). However, these aren’t listed in the 510k and therefore are dependent claims.

Who am I? The question seems simple enough, but in my ever-evolving life, few things stay the same. My collage represents who I am right now at this moment, but with every breath, I feel an evolution. Like Darwin once hypothesized, I am a creature yearning to live and must adapt to ensure survival. Who I am today is a different and more heightened version of who I once was. In my new hermit state, I focus a lot on time. Sometimes it seems endless, but more often, it feels like it’s steadily running out. Thus the hourglass that dominates the picture. I’m also a walking time bomb because my life fits the saying “if it can happen, it will happen.” The small cloud over the hourglass represents a phrase that my family uses when a new tragedy befalls me. The phrase is “black cloud,” and my family will put their hands over their head in a cloud-like shape as symbolic recognition of my misfortune. The gesture is affectionate and comical, but also true. I’m also perpetually tired, and that phrase speaks for itself. 

Once I was very healthy and thin but now must deal with a very curvy body thus the image of a plump woman and the words “curve.” Love, who you are right? I’m trying. My health still dominates my everyday life, and I included an image of an iWatch and a Himalayan salt lamp to demonstrate my commitment to living and not just getting better. Every night I turn on my Himalayan lamp and every day I track my meager fitness goals through my watches’ activity rings. I spend almost every waking minute trying to gain ground and force my body to climb out of whatever fresh hell I’m currently living in.

I’m from McDonough, GA and the word “SQUARE” reminds me that my family has deep roots here that lead back to the American Revolution. The town square is a symbol of McDonough and all the families who helped create it. I’m deeply proud of that legacy because many people don’t have deep familial roots. America is a nation in migration, and many do not hold on to places to anchor their lives. The collage also includes a picture of Hairy Dawg that reveals my deep love for my college alma mater The University of Georgia. My passion for my school dominates my daily interactions, and instead of hello, you may receive a “Go Dawgs” as a greeting.

Like many other Gen X’ers and “almost” millennials I am tied to technology and social connections like Snapchat and Instagram. I included icons that represent my constant interactions with social media in place of real human connections. Books are my longtime companions and have played critical roles in my life. As an only child, I found books to be the greatest of friends. Anne of Green Gables is a constant and so I included the words “kindred spirit” to remind myself that good people and things are all around me. I have only to look. Like the shells on my board, I have to look for something special. Thousands of shells fill containers in my house. Each one is more unique than the last. I’ve spent a lifetime finding them, and every one means something to me.  For this reason, I have included books and shells on my photomontage.

I’m fiercely political, and the images in my collage will tell you exactly where I stand. The last election woke something within me that was long dead. I spend many hours watching political commentary and commenting through twitter. These hours help me pass the time and make me feel energized in this profoundly dull life. To help me maintain my identity before my illness, I have included things that I still love, but I’m unable to do. New York is my favorite place, and traveling was my destination. I was always in the next place going on some new adventure and drinking excessive amounts of caffeine to keep my body pumping. Suitcases and passports were weekly, and although I’m unable to travel, I still love it and hold on to the hope of returning to it one day. And then there are the red sparkles and the lipstick.  In the edges of my life, I still shine on and wear “Red Carpet Ready Red” to remind me that I’m still in here. The fight continues!!! 

Acupressure involves the stimulation of meridians on a body using pressure and is one of many Asian bodywork therapies (ABT). Meridians are invisible energy connections between organs that connect their vital life force or Qi. The theory is that if one of the meridians is blocked, then illness is a result. Acupressure seeks to restore the balance within the body (Juarascio). Recently my natural path suggested we try a form of acupressure by targeting “gait points” or points that “calm down the nervous system” (McIntyre). These “gait points” are in the hands and feet and can be stimulated by a finger applying pressure clockwise for 30 seconds (Kiefer).

There are also acupressure points that target the spine. Every other day I complete this ritual with the help of a family member. Sometimes the points are so sensitive I can barely stand for them to be touched. My fragile nervous system sends out a painful SOS, and I find myself cringing in pain. The effect isn’t immediate, and I can’t say that I feel any exact alignment during the treatment. However, if I do it more frequently, I have better days more often. I cannot explain how it works or where my faith in it lies. I’m a natural born skeptic, but I have seen the benefits of alternative medicine like yoga or meditation. I also believe that thousands of years of Chinese medicine cannot be wrong. Part of the treatment is your belief in it. Call it the placebo effect if you don’t believe in its legitimacy. But can it be the placebo effect if you don’t think it works? Could this be real?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/17Fk84fVltPpf4AcG-JaHqhKc2TWDQDh_/view

*The above is a video link that shows me undergoing this treatment

As days go by I feel the clock ticking, and I think that I am “Under Pressure” as my body reacts to my slow wean off of Western pills and medicine. My body’s dependency on these drugs is sickening, and I hate that I have allowed it to go one for so long. Steroids have played a dangerous but essential role in my recovery, and all attempts to take less come with severe symptoms. I feel the drugs slowly losing their grip on me.

Juarascio, Adrienne, et al. “9.” Therapy in Sleep Medicine, Elsevier, 2012, pp. 126–139.

Kiefer, David. “Acupressure Points and Massage Treatment for Pain, Nausea, and More.” WebMD, WebMD, 21 Oct. 2017, www.webmd.com/balance/guide/acupressure-points-and-massage-treatment#1.

Voodoo is a religion and a verb. It can refer to a religion, or it can be used to describe something dark, mystic, and unknowable (Radford). For me, visiting a natural path was akin to voodoo stereotypes involving chickens, blood sacrifice, and raising zombies.  For many years, I was half-dead with the disease; thus I needed to resurrect my body, mind, and spirit. In the spirit of voudon, I sought out a witch doctor named Debra McIntyre who is a practicing natural path for over 25 years.

Unlike traditional Western medicine, naturopathic medicine treats not only the body but the mind and spirit as well. It also seeks to manage the “root cause” of illness versus the symptoms (Kiefer). Traditional naturopathic doctors (ND/NMD) “learn the same basic sciences as conventional medical doctors (MD), but also study nutrition, psychology, herbal medicine, and homeopathy (Kiefer). When I first became ill, Western medicine was the only choice. I had a long-standing relationship with doctors through my job in medical devices sales, and I considered anything outside of conventional medicine to be a fool’s errand.

Deb introduced me to several methods including NAET or Nambudripad’s Allergy Elimination Technique. NAET is “ a non-invasive, drug-free, natural solution to alleviate allergies” while using a “blend of selective energy balancing, testing and treatment procedures”(ROVI). NAET was discovered by Dr. Devi S. Nambudripad in 1983 and has over 12,000 practitioners worldwide (ROVI). While many practicing NAET and those undergoing treatment believe in its results there are many like Dr. David Stukus, M.D. who speak out against NAET as an unvalidated method without evidence (Broer). I consider this is a very narrow-minded view considering NAET is based on Chinese Medicine principles that have been in practice for thousands of years (Terwee).  

NAET is just an example of the many treatment methods that natural paths use to treat their patients. It also includes “herbs, massage, and acupuncture”(Kiefer). The types of treatments are overwhelming and I’m just scratching the surface. I plan on trying them all as I slowly wean off the prednisone and antibiotics. Gone are the years of guzzling pills while destroying my gut and liver. My journey will be slow and riddled with potholes, but it’s my journey. 

For years I was slowly poisoning myself on top of the autoimmune diseases, but when I started seeing Deb, it all changed. I went from a listless and lifeless zombie to a semi-functioning human being within 10 months. The cloud of fear surrounding the mystic naturopathy has left me. There is no voodoo here.  I am Lazarus returned from the dead. I am alive. 

Broer, Lisa. “NAET and Allergies: A Not so Neat Idea .” Medium, 23 Apr. 2018, medium.com/@Weresquirrel/naet-and-allergies-a-not-so-neat-idea-1ae02d8acc50. Accessed 10 Feb. 2019.

Kiefer, David. “Naturopathic Medicine: What It Is, Benefits, Risks.” WebMD, WebMD, www.webmd.com/balance/guide/what-is-naturopathic-medicine#1.

Radford, Benjamin. “Voodoo: Facts About Misunderstood Religion.” LiveScience, Purch, 30 Oct. 2013, www.livescience.com/40803-voodoo-facts.html.

Teitelbaum, Jacob. “NAET: A Breakthrough Treatment for Allergies.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 2009, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/complementary-medicine/200910/naet-breakthrough-treatment-allergies. Accessed 10 Feb. 2019.

Terwee, Caroline B. “Successful Treatment of Food Allergy with Nambudripad’s Allergy Elimination Techniques (NAET) in a 3-Year Old: A Case Report.” National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 5 Aug. 2008, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/.

Blog 3: Painful Plans

I had a plan. I was going to continue chronicling new therapies while continuing Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy. Yesterday I was scheduled for an HBOT followed by 20 minutes of infrared sauna (the chosen topic for today’s blog). I still was very apprehensive about the HBOT therapy, but excited by the initial results. Swallowing my fear, I climbed into the tiny spaceship-like enclosure and settled down to read a book. Just as the chamber began to pressurize, something went wrong, and my left ear started to ring and pound. It felt clouded with water but also fiery hot, and no amount of mouth opening and closing would make it pop and clear. I clutched my ear, opening and closing my mouth trying to make my ears pop to relieve the crushing pain. I kept telling myself to hold on and wait a few more minutes before I bailed out on this expensive and time-consuming treatment. As the minutes ticked by the pain crossed over from discomfort to agony, and I let out a wild scream. I frantically waved to my mother outside the chamber begging her to run for help. Unfortunately one cannot just leave the chamber because it could damage the machine and my eardrums so, after several excruciating minutes, I was able to jump from the machine and make my ears pop. Sweat poured down my back, and I took several deep gulping breaths before I collapsed into a nearby chair.

Determined not to ruin the experience, I agreed to try the infrared sauna for 15 minutes. Infrared saunas use infrared lamps to heat your body instead of the air surrounding you like a regular sauna. Thus the heat penetrates more deeply and allows the body to rid itself of toxins naturally (Lindberg). This silver-lined machine reminded me of the running blankets you see around runners shoulders during marathons. The sauna had a chair in the middle where you sit and zip yourself up inside a big silver comforter.  Despite my severe claustrophobia, I zipped myself in the sauna as the temperature rose. Sweat began pouring down my arms and legs, but I was determined to finish the treatment. I closed my eyes and lost myself in some soothing music, and before long it was over. I left the experience covered in sweat and frustrated because I felt like the appointment wasn’t successful. 

In the following days, my energy plummeted, and I became very sick. Something with the infrared sauna caused a toxin release into my bloodstream which caused severe headaches, nausea, and depleted my energy. Days later, I’m still struggling to regain my strength and return to normal activities. I knew my journey would be a slow one, but I’m anxious to see more positive results after a year of illness and disappointment.

Blog 2: HBOT and Beyond

I was approached concerning HBOT therapy several years ago by a doctor in Washington D.C., but was still skeptical and not very open to alternative treatments. Throughout seven years, I’ve bought snake oil too many times to count. Doctors preyed on my feverish desire to get better, and I fell victim because of my desperation to get better far outweighed any price I had to pay. Unfortunately, my physical state rapidly deteriorated in January 2018 continuing throughout the year, and the traditional doctors could not explain the downturn. My natural path Deb suggested that I use an HBOT machine to treat my autoimmune conditions (Lyme, MCAD, Lupus) as well as secondary issues like migraines, joint pain, and chronic fatigue.

Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy (HBOT) was developed in England around 1664 (Harch, 2016) and is used to treat many conditions including stroke, autism, traumatic brain injury, and other autoimmune issues. HBOT remains controversial in the medical community, but due to pioneering efforts from patients themselves, it is rapidly becoming a more mainstream treatment. Patients connect through social media with one click on an iPhone. Therefore it’s the demand from patients that is drawing change.

Trying this alternate method is equivalent to a polar bear plunge in the middle of winter. It’s not a gentle chilling of the toes at the water’s edge. I suffer from severe claustrophobia, so the thought of getting in an Explorer 1 sized spaceship for over an hour was daunting. Before crawling in, I felt the familiar tightening of my throat and a wave of panic rising. I forced back tears as I climbed in and the attendant closed the zipper shut. Immediately the chamber pressurizes causing my ears to pop. Fighting back the fear, I slowly open and shut my mouth forcing the pressure to shift in my ears. Near my head is a small window allowing me to see out, but I can’t look out the window without wanting to rip the zipper and stumble out into the open space. Controlling the panic, I start slowing my breathing into a slow but natural rhythm, but my heart still beats wildly in my chest. Determined, I turned on an audiobook and resolved to lose myself in the spoken word. Despite my determination, I can only lose myself in a book for a few moments, and soon the audiobook’s words begin to run together, and I’ve lost the plot. I turn away from the window in an attempt to sleep, but all I hear is the rush of oxygen pulsing in my ears. Then when I’m about to lose myself entirely, the chamber starts to decompress with a hiss like a pressure cooker releasing steam. Instead of relief, I feel panic as the seconds slowly tick down towards the moment when I can unzip the chamber and flee this tiny space.

The first-day post-HBOT is excruciating. The oxygen actively kills Lyme bacteria and its co-infections which flood toxins into my bloodstream that aren’t easily handled by my bruised and tired body. On day one I detox with magnesium, activated charcoal, and castor oil packs. By the second day, I am a new woman with renewed strength and energy. For a moment, I feel like a tenth of my old self, and I use my time with abandon. I burn through every inch of energy like a heroin addict taking hit after hit until I run out of juice. I must learn to manage the positive effects from the treatment while also minimizing the fallout. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to climb in the chamber without fear, but I have hope that there are more good days to follow.

Hope is like a loaded gun. It’s not dangerous until it’s in someone’s hands. Sadly when fired, it goes up like a flare only to fade and disappear in the dark. Unfortunately, we only get so much hope in a lifetime, and at some point, it runs out. I'm sick, and there aren’t any more flares to shoot into the darkness. Rescue seems impossible. It all began with a small tick bite which turned into Lyme disease that went undiagnosed for several years. During that time, the bacteria wreaked havoc on my body and led to the following conditions: *Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (heart problem)

*Mast Cell Activation Disorder (my body is attacking itself)

*Lupus (my body is attacking itself) 

For seven years I’ve searched the earth for answers. I have traveled across the country to visit promising doctors, taken every pill, done every procedure recommended yet I’m still sick. Truthfully I’m not sure if it’s the disease or the drugs killing me. Years of antibiotics have wrecked my body, and the opioid crisis has left me with no way to regulate my pain. If I mention pain, doctors treat me like I’m a drug dealer or a heroin addict instead of a person in need of relief.