west coast

But I am chill.

You literally asked “what is air”. That’s not even close to chill in my book. 

Half-and-half is a start, and also a good kind of cream, but definitely not good enough. It’s two thirds, or we break up on this spot, Kyle Taylor. No ifs, ands or buts. You’re so gross, and I’m so cute. I guess its true what they say about opposites, right? Yeah, you do. You love me so much, it’s embarrassing, really. But yeah, why are we dating?

Fine. No telling anyone that I gave up my third that easily though, I have a badass reputation to uphold. You’re so not right, screw you---you literally just said Kyle can be cute, sometimes just the other day---and that’s still not the whole truth but at least it’s a start. Fuck off, Zo. If you want me to say something cute you’re screwing up your chances. We’re dating because you can’t get enough of me, obviously. 

“I’ll take two-thirds of the time, and then, well, yeah, Charlie is never right. Well, you said it. Besides, you’re fucking gross, so it works. Mm, that’s a lie. You love me too much to not compliment. Oh, you’re always trash. I can’t believe I’m dating you.” Emphasizing her words, Zoey only pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around his neck.

No fucking way you’re getting two thirds, not without a fight. I’d go half-and-half first; don’t push it that far. I did say it, nice job on the observation. That still doesn’t mean it’d ever happen. I’m not gross---don’t even try to lie about that shit, it’s not cute. Although... that might be a bit of a stretch. You’re cute, I can’t lie. Do I? That’s news to me. You’re wrong there, though. I’m definitely not always trash, but you are right about the dating part. 

Fine, whatever, don’t humor me. You’re no fun, anyways. I’m so weird? You’re the one who dragged me to see Jurassic World at three am because you didn’t want anyone from school knowing you still love dinosaurs. Which, they totes do–everyone’s seen your dino boxers. They’re cute. Like you, when you’re not a total dick.

Fuck you, Char, I’m the funnest. Remember when we used to fuck shit up in the woods building tree forts and playing war? It was all always my idea, so fuck way off. I’m fun. And you promised you wouldn’t tell anyone... you’ve only seen them when we’re alone and you know it. 

That’s not how it works, Ky. I’m not an asshole because I said I’m not an asshole, and I’m always right, so obviously. Please do, that’ll be hilarious. Hotter than Mindy? That’s such a lie, but it’s a compliment, so I’ll take it. And, since you’ve been so untrash lately, I guess I have to keep up with my promise.

You’re right like one-third of the time, the other two-thirds of the time I’m right. Charlie’s never right though, we can at least agree on that much. Yeah, no. That’s fucking gross, Zo. Yeah, take it. It’ll be a while before you hear me giving another one of those. Again, I’m never trash---but hey, I’m cool with that.

I’m too cute to be an asshole, though, soo. Honestly, aren’t I? I’m hilarious, it’s unbelievable. There are hot comedians, though. Mindy Kaling, my mom, duh. And then Andy Samberg, fuck, the love of my life. I would do things to that boy I wouldn’t do to anyone. Maybe Charlie, but that’s it.

That’s not how it works, Zo. You’re an asshole because I said you’re an asshole. So funny, I’m gonna fucking pee myself any second now. Mindy Kaling and Andy Samberg are cool, I guess, but you’d be a way hotter comedian... you two are so weird, I swear to God. Most chicks in your place would hate each other but... you two. Don’t get me wrong, I respect it.

Alright, fine. I’ll come over, but I can’t believe you’re making me do shit for you, you fucking asshole. I mean, are you sure? Because you tried to date two girls at once, remember? I’m just saying.

You’re the fucking asshole, asshole. A contagious one, at that. Ha. Super funny, Zo. You’ve thought about becoming a comedian, right? The world needs some hot comedians so you might as well.

Or you could be in my room, where there’s me, and handholding, and making out if you’re not total trash.

Or I could not. Coming to your room means I have to get out of this blanket burrito I made for myself, going outside again to get to the car, driving myself over there, and having to see your family when we all know I’m really just there for the hand holding and the making out, because fuck you--I’m not total trash. 

—— Look on the bright side, you didn’t get a sunburn.

No optimism allowed here, I’m not even sorry. The point is that I could have gotten sunburnt, but I realized fuck nature and hightailed my ass back inside before I did.