just thought “I’m tired and I want to go home” meanwhile I am in my kitchen

using a sulfate-free shampoo is such a disappointing experience. bring back the suds.

I’ve had a pile of clean laundry waiting to be folded on the couch for the past two days. I don’t know who I am anymore

Also I need you to know if I go to your dwelling and there is a bar of soap by the sink to wash my hands with, I need you to know that that is way too intimate. I do not know you like that. I’m not sharing a bar of hand soap with someone unless we are married and have celebrated thirteen anniversaries

I’m going to say something that might upset the hygiene community but I really need to speak my mind… body wash is fine and all but a big bar of soap is so good. It’s tactile and primitive but luxurious… body wash is too ephemeral and futuristic. Society has moved past the point of needing goo

had to go to urgent care because I picked up some stomach bug that caused insane stomach cramps and then I started shitting blood so anyways what’s up with y’all?

I just tried to order a meal at a drive thru and they told me “sorry, that’s an online exclusive” and it’s like… so???? Who cares???? Do you want me to make dialup noises into the microphone?? Should I tell you my personal information?? You want my cookies??? Should we invite Tim Berners-Lee??? Give me THE FOOD!!!!!

Ok sorry but I finally have to say something. The thing that is happening regarding the thing that happened to the person that the thing happened to is NOT GOOD #speakingmytruth

right lane must turn right? uh yeah, I sure must it does

burping after you eat a bunch of grapes provides a crazy sensation

I’m redacted years old and the only way I can remember the difference between rows and columns is to picture a Roman column and think “those go up and down” every time

every time I have fresh fruit it’s like this is great. I gotta tell people about this. have you all heard of this? have y’all heard of fruit? I’m going to eat this every day. And then the fruit goes bad and then I forget to buy more fruit because I’m not used to having fruit around and then some time goes by and then I have fresh fruit and the cycle begins again and I’m mostly writing this because I just ate 36 cherries over a bowl like a raccoon in my kitchen and I was just wondering if y’all have ever heard of this? have y’all heard of cherries???

I hate that there is a bread called “Italian herb and cheese” at Subway. As opposed to what other kind of herbs? Gymnasium? A capella? Sorry I bumped my head in the middle of my joke

I don’t really set goals that much but something I think I’d really like to do is be friends with a crow

yesterday I went to the duck pond and as soon as I got there an anhinga carried a fish on its beak out of the water to swallow whole so I went back today and saw two anhinga fishing again, a red shouldered hawk, a little blue heron, three wood storks, a few turtles, and two different snakes swimming in the water. then, when I looked to my feet I saw so many teeny tiny frogs (smaller than a dime) jumping between the fallen magnolia leaves.