liar liar

“Yea, that makes two of us. I never thought I’d be dating a girl either. This whole thing is just a surprise apparently.” He hummed out in agreement, laughing a little under his breath as he looked back at her. “How highly?” He questioned with a raised brow. “I like the innocent one, keep it but just had a little rebellion too it, can’t be helped if you’re dealing with me. I refuse to fail as well.” Tugging at her hands, he pulled them away from the wall so he could start them walking again. “I don’t know about you, but I’m still starving so we’re going for food and you’re not allowed to back out on this decision.”

“I feel like maybe both of our lives are just one huge surprise, really.” She grinned as he tugged her forward, falling into step beside him. “I don’t think me and rebellion is a very good combination, but whatever you want,” she shrugged, warning in her tone. “No need to kidnap me, just pick somewhere to eat and I’ll follow. I don’t want burgers anymore, anyway.”

“Thank you.” He smiled back at her after that. “Figure that out yourself, but you seem to get my attention pretty easily already. Wow, I see how highly you think of me right there.” He scoffed, shaking his head at her but smiling none the less. “With me it is, but hey, you’ve been hanging around me enough and your image is still there. Now that you’re going out with me, maybe less so though. i refuse, I’ll find a way to build it back up again.”

“This is so weird. Not for a second did I think we’d end up dating when I met you,” Ari confessed, running her tongue along her lower lip. “I think very highly of you, don’t misunderstand,” she smiled brightly, nudging him with her elbow. “I suppose I’ll just have to find another reputation to gain, if I can’t keep the innocent one,” she shrugged, “have fun trying, though, I’ll enjoy watching as you fail to.”

“Shut up– I’m not used to being the one asking anything of the sort anyway. Everyone asks me. So fine, will you be girlfriend?” He asked, after rolling his eyes at her anyway. He wasn’t used to being the affectionate with anyone, but her arms around his waist were welcomed– he’d just need to get used to that anyway. All of it. “Mm, your patience and loveliness are a blessing then, but hey, you could always find a way to get my attention back, it shouldn’t be that hard. Not like I stare all the time either.” He shrugged. “Oh shut up, I am not weak. Just can’t have someone so easily taking away my bad boy image I’ve worked so hard on, can I?” 

“Yes, I will,” she nodded, an innocent smile painted on her lips. Her eyebrow quirked at him as she questioned his motives. “Hm? How exactly do you expect me to get your attention back? I don’t believe that for a second, but I’ll let it pass.” Ari chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief. “So weak. What about me? My innocent church girl image is down the drain already. If I go down, you go down too.”

He hated himself for rambling, he didn’t do it and the grin and laugh from Ari only made it worse, but he was allowing it for once. “Well if you put it so bluntly, yes, apparently I do.” He let out a small ‘hmph’ at that, but he was still smiling for once. “Damn, you’ve spoiled my plan already.” He laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do that. Though I can’t help it if I see a hot guy and I stare, never not gonna happen.” He was teasing again. “You better, I don’t do it often, if at all. If I hear any rumours about that then we’re done, can’t go having you kill my reputation so quickly.”

She rolled her eyes with a smile. “Put it bluntly? How else would I put it? Ask me to be your lady friend? Your boyfriend, but like, as a girl?” She snorted, slipping her arms around his waist. “I suppose I’ll learn to deal with it, because that’s just how patient and lovely I am,” she swore, her voice solemn. “Wow, that’s the dealbreaker? You’re weaker than I thought.”

He stood in front of her after being pulled to side, his hands moved to her waist still. Pulling each other to the side seemed a common thing today, apparently. “So we’re throwing it back to me, huh?” He chuckled a little, but he wasn’t really sure how to answer his own question. “I don’t know. I’ve never done this before– with a girl at least but with a guy it’s pretty straightforward. I’ve never had a genuine relationship though, one not built up on want.” He sighed, trying to make an answer rather than rambling. “There’s a clear line here that I’m not able to deny I’m attracted to you in a way other than friends, and I don’t think that’s gonna change the more I’m around you.. so maybe we can try– a relationship or whatever.” He shrugged. “This is literally the only time I will ever offer this to you as well, I’m letting my guard down for you here.”

She flushed at his rambling, a smug little grin playing on her lips. Although he was being serious, and she knew he was trying really hard, she couldn’t help but laugh, tugging on his hands giddily. “You want me to be your girlfriend?” She cooed, running her hands down his chest. “I suppose that’s okay. As long as you don’t dump me for the next hot guy to walk by, we might do okay together. Thank you for letting your guard down for me. I appreciate it a lot. I promise I won’t go spreading rumors that you’re a big softie.”

He still didn’t know what this was, but the action felt natural somehow, maybe that was why he allowed it from himself. “Perfectly fucked up for each other essentially? That sounds.. extremely bizarre.” But he was laughing at it, grinning a little now and glad that the tenseness had cleared anyway. But.. there was still a question that had to be asked at some point, “but seriously, what is this now? Are we going with it or?”

“Let’s face it, bizarre is probably the only word that really describes us anyway,” she agreed. Following his question, she paused before tugging him to the side so they weren’t both standing in the middle of the pavement. Leaning back against the wall of the building behind her, she shrugged. “What do you want it to be? I’m fine with anything, as long as you’re happy with it.”

He glanced down at the feeling on his shoulder once more, wondering if he’d said too much and done it again honestly. He unlinked their fingers, wrapping his arm around her waist instead to make walking easier. He was already used to her affections, so maybe it was time for him to give them back. “I don’t think it will, honestly,” he laughed at that comment. “That’s because I know what it’s like to have things that you don’t want others to know about you, so I’m probably definitely the most understanding person you can meet. It’d make me a hypocrite if I pressured you, and thank you, for not doing it either.”

The feeling of his arm around her waist made her grin, glad that he was opening up to the affection. She was worried that any move she made between them would be tense, so it came as a relief. “I guess it helps that we’re both fucked up then. In that sense, we’re technically perfect for each other.”

“No, it just means that I know there’s something else underneath. But it means I’ve accepted that act, and that that’s what you want people to see and know. Just because I know there’s something different, doesn’t mean I’m going to treat you any differently than I have before.” He squeezed her hand a little at that, thumb rubbing over the back of her hand subconsciously. “Well, apparently you were wrong, this came from that choice then. Whatever.. this is.” He nodded. “I’m not fixing your makeup this time if you do. I’ll take your word for that, but I’d assume what we’re doing can’t so bad anyway, just maybe a little dysfunctional until we figure it out. And for the record, I’m not interested in knowing what you’ve done like anyone else probably would. It’s you shit, I don’t need to know unless you want me to at some point. And if you do, then I’ll give you all the gory details of my own crap past.” He told her quietly, tagging on, “I just don’t want you to think that I’m going to try pressure you into telling me stuff about it, because I honestly don’t care about it.”

His words hit her like a ton of bricks. Nobody had ever been so understanding towards her before; this was completely new to her. Feeling her lip wobble, threatening tears again, she pressed her lips to his shoulder as they walked. “If what this is is dysfunctional, then I don’t want to change it,” she murmured, laughing slightly at the makeup comment. “For all the shit you give yourself, you’re one of the most understanding people I’ve ever met. Thank you for not pressuring me, I appreciate it. I won’t pressure you either, on any front.”

“Sometimes they do, but I suppose we’re not an exception to that.” He nodded. “I don’t get surprised easily. I’ve seen enough shit to believe anything, nobodies ever as innocent as you without having been through something either, please. At least some of us are brave enough to do the whole repenting sins or whatever crap, well done.” He caught her gaze, turning his own head a little to glance at her. “You sure about that? Nobody chooses me without a catch.” He intertwined their fingers when he caught side of her watering eyes, squeezing her hand softly. “Don’t go crying on me again, Angel. They aren’t, no, but apparently feelings are full of surprises.. I hate surprises. A bad match is probably an understatement. The innocent church girl, and the reckless pyro psycho. You don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for here.” He chuckled a little at that though, amused more, letting the anger slip. 

“As innocent as me? Does that mean you never fell for the act?” she smiled wryly. “I chose you without a catch. I didn’t expect anything to come from it,” she argued, chewing on her lip. As the tears welled up, she chuckled, shaking her head. “Sorry, sorry, I’ll try not to. No, I don’t really know what we’re doing, or what I’m getting myself into, but it can’t be worse than anything I’ve done before.” Her voice fell quiet, as it always did when she was speaking her feelings. Admitting things to Tae somehow made her feel lighter, but also burdened her too. The more she opened up, the more she risked losing everything.

“You don’t want to lose me, yet you try and push me away the first chance you got there? You sound like me.” He sighed, but left it. That made two of them. He wasn’t ready for her next words though, a little.. shocked maybe? As he listened to them. “Well that goes for both of us. I don’t date people, not for longer than a few months. Enough time for me to get what I want from them. Somehow, I’m not surprised by that from you, but it doesn’t bother me.” He shook his head. “You got away from that though, it seems at least. I’m sorry, that you don’t have anyone and you got landed with me instead,” the words were bitter. “Please, I’m still trying to do that. I’ve been trying to process all this crap for a while now.” He laughed, but there was little humour in it honestly. “The gay guy falls for a girl, I don’t think that’s how the story normally goes.” 

Trying not to scowl, she settled for furrowing her eyebrows. “Well, yes. Isn’t that the only way it goes? Nobody actually tries to get people to stay with them,” she sighed. “You’re the first and only person who isn’t surprised. Nobody ever believes it, so I don’t tell people. That’s why I repent for my sins and all that jazz.” Licking her lips, she finally turned to look at him, her heavy feeling settling in her chest. “I didn’t get stuck with you. I chose you.” Inhaling deeply through her nose, her eyes watered. “Feelings aren’t supposed to be like this. We really are a bad match”

He was annoyed and hurt, that was all he could say to describe it and now the only thing he could think of doing was going back to his apartment and lighting up. That would fix things for the next while anyway, then he could forget about this all instead. What Tae hadn’t expected though was for her to follow him, he hadn’t even sensed her until Ari was next to him and she’d slipped her hand into his. At first, he didn’t do anything, just kept walking and didn’t cooperate the action. After a moment he wrapped his own hand around hers. “One minute you’re practically telling me to fuck off and now you’re back?” He huffed out, shooting a glance over at her, face still blank. “If you’re playing hard to get you’re doing a damn good job at it.”

She gulped roughly, staring blankly ahead of her, trying to get the words out. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she admitted barely above a whisper, “but I don’t want to lose you.” Her breath caught in her throat as she began to speak again. “I’ve never dated anyone before. I’ve...I’ve fucked people. I cut my feelings off,” she murmured. “I used to do drugs. I spent a long time in rehab. I don’t have my parents. I don’t have anyone. I can’t lose you, no matter how fucked up this is,” her grip tightened and she let out a heavy sigh. “Of all the people I chose to fall for, it was the one who came out to me as soon as I met them. I don’t know how I’m supposed to process all of this.”

When she pulled back, he kept his hands on her sides.Until she started talking again at least. “I know when I’ve fucked up. I fucked up by kissing you, and falling for you. Ari..” His voice was soft, but he let her get up and get her stuff, watched her, his face blank but.. he felt hurt honestly. “What?” Tae was genuinely shocked by that, and maybe more hurt than he should’ve been but it was her choice, was it not? “Fine. Maybe we should stop seeing each other completely then, because I don’t date, and I don’t do feelings. But here I am with feelings for you. So screw it, it doesn’t  fuckin’ matter. Bye.” He got up himself this time, just shaking his head before turning and walking without a glance back because he admittedly, a lot more hurt than he’d want to let on about all of this. Not seeing Ari left a bad taste in his mouth though.

She watched him storm off, not even turning back. His words left a bitter taste in her mouth. Ari knew she couldn’t leave it like this- she couldn’t just let him walk away, no matter how awkward the situation was. She was confused, sure, but she knew he was too, and she was being unfair on him. Running away was what she was best at. Wordlessly she followed down the street behind him, catching up as quickly as she could. Not even looking at him, she slipped her hand into his and kept walking, completely silent. There were no words left for her to say, and no apology she could make. She prayed her actions were enough.

“I know. I didn’t mean for this, alright.” He sighed. He already knew he was a terrible person, now he just felt worse about that. Another fuck up to add to the list. “I know I can’t, and I’m an asshole for doing it, I know. I didn’t want this to happen, I didn’t know it would happen. I’m not used to this, alright, Ari? Feelings aren’t my things, but I can’t deny that there is something there– and I hate it. I am your friend, but I fucked up. I fuck everything up and apparently you’re no exception to that.”

Breathing unstable, she pulled away from him, her eyes glassy. “You didn’t fuck anything up, you...you didn’t even know. I need to go back to class. I can’t be here.” She fumbled to grab her bag that she’d dropped on the ground, tucking her hair behind her ears and trying to straighten up as she stood. Wiping her tear-stained cheeks, she left out a huff, staring down at where Tae was sitting. “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other for a while. Until I get over you. Until you date someone else.”

He pulled her tighter against him, just holding her there and allowing her to let whatever she needed out. He’d never done this for anyone before, had never done this before. More importantly, he’d never kissed a girl, and he’d never felt for anyone like this, maybe a couple of guys but still. “I know. I know you’re not..” He let her hit him, sighing and let her do it, continue hit him. He felt.. terrible. “I’m not. I know I’m not, I’m sorry. I can’t help it, I’m sorry.” His words were quiet, running his hand through his hair now instead, softly.

Her fist stilled on his chest, the anger dissolving into misery. “You’re not allowed to fuck with me like this,” she cried, her voice muffled by his shirt. “You’re supposed to be my friend. You can’t just...just kiss me, and make me feel all these things and break my heart. Not you. Not my only friend.”

This wasn’t supposed to happen, yes, Tae knew that. He wasn’t supposed to be kissing her, he wasn’t supposed to be doing this and he wasn’t sure why he’d even let himself. He didn’t like girls, but here she was doing something to him– feelings. He didn’t know what to say when they broke apart, but her reaction was worse than he’d expected from her, could’ve been better. He pulled her against him at the broken noise falling from her lips, his arms around her before he spoke. “I don’t fucking know.” He sighed. “But I’ve wanted to do that for the past half hour. Fuck..” 

She choked out a sob against his shirt, burying her face against his chest. Anyone else would have been fine. Anyone but Tae. “It’s not supposed to be like this,” she croaked with a shaky voice, “I’m not supposed to feel anything for you.” Her voice was quiet but and low, and her voice cracked as soon as the word ‘feel’ left her mouth. Bunching her hand in his shirt, she smacked him on the chest, crying even harder than before. Everything was so confusing, it was causing her physical pain. “You’re not supposed to want to kiss me.”

Tae went quiet after that, when she started going off at him, keeping his mouth shut instead of replying at first. After that though, he did answer but just his voice maybe a little calmer, lower but still the same as before in a way. “Just breathe, Ari. Alright, breathe. I’ll shut up then, you don’t need to go off at me.” He sighed, mentally slapping himself on the back for doing this– at the same time he couldn’t deny he was amused though, to be able to break her down. “No, you didn’t. But I let myself open up to you, and I don’t do that to just everyone. I could’ve pushed you away, yea, but I didn’t.” He grumbled. “No. I’m not leaving. I don’t want to leave and I sure as hell am not pretending like neither of us exist to each other. I won’t do that– I’d rather fucking do this honestly–” He knew he’d hesitate if he let himself think about what he was doing now as he leaned forward, hand behind her neck to pull their lips together.

She let out a shaky breath, her arms shaking against the metal table. Her heart was racing and she could barely breathe in without her chest hurting. It was all too much. Letting out a yelp as he pulled her forward, she was quickly silenced by his lips. Completely still, she could barely tell if she even responded to the kiss out of pure shock. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Ari didn’t like people. Tae didn’t like girls. Her heart thudded dully in her chest as they broke apart, and she fought to find words to say to him. Instead, she let out a strangled noise and felt a sob rack up in her chest. “Why?”

“Sink low enough? Jesus Christ.. Nobody would be sinking low to date you, if anything I don’t understand why nobody is already. People that think that apparently don’t know you then, because you’re not. And if you even try and say you are, then you’re really fooling yourself. You are someones type.” He half laughed out, but the laugh was apathetic as he shook his head because he really was just letting words out now that he shouldn’t have been. “I’m not pitying you. I am literally blatantly telling you that I actually want and like your company, not fucking pitying you. You chased me, fine, but I let you. And you’re here now and you’ve gotten to know me and none of it matters because I let you, and part of me hates that I did right now.”

Ari’s arms folded down on the table and her expression was cold as stone. This wasn’t the pristine church girl. This was the old Ari. The one she’d tried so hard to get rid of. “Will you please just stop for a second?” she ground out through gritted teeth. “I don’t need you to tell me who I am, or what I’m like. I don’t need you to reassure me. I need you to shut the fuck up and silently agree, because I’m really fucking sick of fooling myself.” Her fists were clenching and unclenching frantically as she tried to breathe her way back into the calm, collected Ari that he knew. She wasn’t going to let this break up all those years of hard work. “I never asked you to open up to me. You could have told me to go away. If you hate it so much, then get up and leave. Leave, and we can just pretend like neither of us exist.”