Cry if I Want To

Starter for @kwhayun !

“You need to start taking this more seriously, Solie. What are you even planning to do after you graduate? What’s your dream? If not to work with me and Dad?” The exasperation is evident in Hanbin’s voice as he chastises Hansol for his most recent grades. He keeps and eye on Hansol and how he’s doing, since he knows Hansol’s tendency to not put effort into things that are too hard—college definitely being one of them. His questions go unanswered, though; Hansol doesn’t have answers for him. What did he want to do after graduating? He’d really not thought that far before. He supposes he really should’ve already. Everyone else knows what they want to do, and here Hansol is without even a slight clue of where he’s going in life. 

“I don’t know Binnie.” That’s all he can muster in response, his voice small, full of the shame he always feels when Hanbin calls to tell him off about his grades. What’s Hansol meant to do? Pick a career at random? Nothing sticks out to him, though he supposes he’s still not given it enough thought. “Look, I’m at work. I need to go.” He hurries out a ‘bye, I love you’, then hangs up without waiting for a response. 

Hansol shoves his phone into his pocket, then rests his forehead against the shelves in front of him and sighs, taking a moment to let the shame and disappointment in himself wash over him. Maybe Hanbin’s right, maybe it’s time to grow up and figure things out. He sniffs, rubbing his eyes as angry tears threaten to fall, but he manages to hold them back, take a deep breath, and head out of the aisle he was hiding himself in and back round to the study tables. 

kwroha​:

homework is boring. always has been, always will be. for the most part, he’s able to finish most of his assignments well before returning to his dorm for the night—his time often well-used on campus. kitajima ryō is efficient like that. it’s more or less what he’s known for. that, or well, it’s what his mom and pop have gushed to all of their work friends about since he was old enough to hand them flawless report cards. in truth, him operating in this fashion is more what he was taught ( or “trained” ) to do. there’s never any love or care behind it. it’s just something he does; robotic. needless to say, he’s caught up with all he has to do for the night, and feeling lethargic, he heads to his favorite hiding spot take a nap. it was closer to him than his room in the north wing, and like usual, he made himself feel right at home. it’s not like many people take this shortcut or even know it exists anyway, and he’s been able to catch up on a lot of z’s here in the past, so the odds of him successfully being able to do so again are in his favor. well, at least he believes they are.

sitting down, his back rests against a wall behind him, his legs sprawl out along the steps, he places the beret he decided to wear today over his face, and he finally returns to doing what he loves most: dreaming. because his brain moves so fast all day long, allowing it to stop and take a breather has become a necessary part of his life. if not for his coveted siestas, he’d likely be a nervous wreck. what with the pressure of his parents’ expectations on his shoulders crushing him into the ground, and being slightly terrified of failure because of it, and having to keep the fact that he prioritizes music over his actual major a secret from them ?? he would spiral out of control if he didn’t find the time to disconnect; to disassociate into a stupefied bliss.

however, he’s cut short from this today because, about twenty-five minutes into his slumber, his eyes flutter open to the sight of someone standing before him; tears streaming down their face. perplexed and concerned, he rises from his lying position and brings a palm up to rub at his eyes. “ wait, what ?? ” he queries, licking over his lips; hands motioning to reset his beret in place in order to hide his bedhead. a yawn roars from his mouth as he erects his posture; having to switch gears so quickly clearly a struggle for him. “ i, uh — are you okay ?? do i know you ?? ” ryō asks, scooting over slightly in case the obviously distraught individual wants to take a seat.

Just Hansol’s luck that there should be someone sat on the stairs absolutely within hearing distance to have noticed Hansol sobbing right around the corner. He’d intentionally found somewhere private so no one would have to know about how affected by his own stupidity he is. It isn’t that he’s ashamed to be seen crying, in fact he’d cried in front of lots of people before—rather, it’s about why he’s crying. He’d gotten himself into this mess, and to be crying over feels pathetic; he knew how it would end. 

“N-no, we don’t know each other. I’m sorry for disturbing you I didn’t realise anyone was in here-” He’d thought he’d gotten over the worst of the tears, but being confronted by the realisation that his little moment hadn’t been as private as he’d thought it was brings fresh tears to his eyes and his bottom lip trembles as he begins to cry all over again. “Sorry I- I’m sorry.” He tries to wipe the tears away as fast as he can. He doesn’t want to make this guy uncomfortable, but they just won’t stop. 

“Can I... Can I sit? Just for a second?” He asks, sharp inhales breaking his sentences in half. He doesn’t really wait for an answer, he just sits on the stairs and pulls the cuffs of his shirt over his hands, using them to wipe at his eyes, pressing his palms against them after a moment, no longer bothering to wipe the tears away and instead just tries to stem the flow from the source. Quiet sobs make his shoulders heave, and he hopes the man beside him doesn’t think he’s a real weirdo for this. 

kwkiyong​:

ryu hansol. it’s nice to finally put a name to the cute face. all this while kiyong had been calling the other ‘pretty boy’ in his head. he could have tried to resolve this mystery much earlier but he had refused to listen to any conversation his coach and skating friends had about hansol simply because he didn’t want to fall into the world of daydreaming. his sister had always said he has a habit of getting lost in his own world once he’s entered it.

speaking of daydreaming, he pictures the other doing ballet and can only imagine how perfect hansol would be on stage. “i can teach you how to skate if you’re ever up for it,” he grins at his classmate. “free of charge.”

he still can’t get the fact he now knows the pretty boy’s name. “you have a really nice name,” kiyong comments, not realising he said it out loud. his ears turn red when he snaps out of his thoughts so he tries to play it off by readjusting his focus back onto the project their professor had just assigned them.

he laughs at the other’s reply, finding it relatable. “i’m afraid you and i are on the same boat. but it’s okay, we’ll figure it out together… with the power of the internet.” the athlete straightens his back as he takes out his phone. “can i add you on kakaotalk? it’d be easier to make plans and coordinate our next meet up.”

“also, this is my schedule for this semester. i can move around some of my training sessions just for you but there are some dates i won’t be around because of competitions,” kiyong explains as he opens up his calendar app and shows it to his new partner. “you’re free to come watch me skate at the ones being held nearby cause some of them are overseas.” his mouth works faster than his brain and by the time he invites hansol to come watch him compete, he’s already half-regretting it. where did all this courage come from?

Kiyong seems far nicer than Hansol had let himself hope he’d be. He’d been fully prepared to find out the guy had a big ego, like a lot of successful people ended up having, and frankly, that had somewhat messed up Hansol’s plans not to get too invested in the man. Not only is he beautiful and talented, he’s also nice as well?! How is he meant to stop himself falling head over heels for him?

“Really? I... yeah, fall over straight away.” He admits with a bright flush colouring his cheeks. He wishes he could say he was okay at it, maybe even good, but Hansol can barely stay upright on ice, and he’s constantly squealing, fearing he’ll fall and hurt himself. He’s not expecting the compliment, however, and it catches him off guard, his lips parting in surprise before he bites back a broad grin, turning away to try and hide how much he blushes. “Uh, thanks... You do too.” Usually, he’d have found a way to turn it back on Kiyong, to bounce off the compliment and flirt with him, but he’s so flustered by him merely being there beside him that all he can do is say it right back.

Hansol’s not even sure what the project they’d been assigned is, as he’d been paying for too much attention to Kiyong, so he’s really hoping his new partner had heard at least some of it. He’s worried his ineptness at anything academic will totally ruin his chances at even being Kiyong’s friend—he’s going to think Hansol’s lazy or stupid, or worse, both. He’s pulled out of the worried thoughts swirling around inside his head and blinks, processing the question Kiyong had just asked. “O-Oh, sure!” He tells him his Kakao ID, then lifts his phone out of his lap, attempting (unsuccessfully) to hide his Hello Kitty phone case as best he can with his hand, suddenly self-conscious about everything. 

kwjinwoo​:

     it’s hard not to sigh in disbelief at how much hansol whines. jinwoo knows that figure skating is not the easiest thing to do, but ice skating? simple ice skating? anyone should be able to at least stand in one place, right? even suji, who is arguably quite bad at ice skating, can skate around the rink. but hansol…

     well, jinwoo is wondering why the other wanted to learn at all if he was going to be this terrified. “stop whining so much,” he sighs in exasperation even as he glides backwards slightly to give hansol a goal to reach. “the more you think about how you don’t want to fall, the more you’re probably going to psych yourself out.” 

     he beckons for the other to move towards him. “bend your knees more,” he instructs firmly, demonstrating the proper learning position with no effort at all. he makes it look easy — but then, the way that hansol had met him had been through jumps and combination steps that he had made look easy. “you have to stop trying to walk like you would on the ground. that heel-to-toe movement is going to make you trip when we have toe picks in the way,” he scolds bluntly, not showing the patience that figure skating teachers have to have with younger children. 

     new hansol might be, but he certainly isn’t a child, and he doesn’t need to be talked to like on. 

     “come on, i’ve seen five year olds with more determination than you,” he huffs as he holds out a hand, inviting the other to skate towards him. “it’s just practice. no magic involved.” 

Hansol’s never broken any bones, and he’s not about to start today, but if he doesn’t get a grip and start making some improvement he’s pretty sure Jinwoo’s going to give up on trying to teach him, and then where will he be in his attempt to impress certain cute guys with his newfound skating skills? So, trying to be brave, he listens to Jinwoo’s instructions and bends his knees a little, trying to use what he knows about balance from the dance experience he has to keep himself steady.

Miraculously, it works. He feels himself standing steadier, and widens his stance a little to hold onto a solid centre of gravity. “Uh... now what?” He asks uncertainly, slowly sliding a foot forward, moving his hand along the railing and then bringing his other foot forward. It’s slow, but at least he’s not slipping around as much. “Am I doing it? I think I’m doing it!” 

As he begins to celebrate, he gets a little to cocky and suddenly his feet are slipping and he’s gripping the railing with both hands before he falls right onto his butt again with an oof. For a moment, Hansol thinks he might cry—it had been going well suddenly, and now his butt hurts all over again. “What did I do wrong?!” He practically wails as he pulls himself back up to his feet, looking over at. Jinwoo once he’s standing and resisting the instinct to pout. 

kwjinseok​:

Unlike how he appears, Jinseok isn’t entirely innocent. He may be shy and sensitive, but he is no stranger to the darkness that comes with being human. He can’t remember how it started or when - nor does he want to. It had started as nothing but some spur of the moment fun between close friends. Now, it had gone beyond what either of them expected. Of course, living with Hansol hasn’t made things easy, but at least now they’ve come to some kind of unspoken understanding.

Jinseok had been sleeping in later than usual. He’d been up late the night before studying. When he got too lost in his head he tended to focus himself more on studying or anything else to get his mind off things. When he was thinking too much, Jinseok locked himself in his room and only emerged when he needed to shower or eat. Today was one of those days where Jinseok was lost in himself.

He wondered if Hansol had noticed his absence. Probably not. Hansol’s been busy lately with other people so why would he notice his absence? He stirred from his slumber and heard the sound of the shower running. Hansol was home. Jinseok took in a deep breath and slowly rose from his bed. There was no way he was going to be able to avoid Hansol for too long. Jinseok opened his bedroom door and headed towards the bathroom only to find Hansol in the kitchen.

The sight before him made him freeze. Not only was Hansol’s hair dripping wet from the shower, but he was also in a see through robe. Jinseok swallowed hard and had to fight the urges that threatened to rise to the surface. There was a slight pause before he answered and cleared his throat. ❛ Er, sure. Thanks Hannie. ❜ Jinseok hesitated, taking in the view before him for a moment, before he made his way to the bathroom to relieve himself. He returned a few minutes later and leaned against the kitchen counter as he watched his roommate in the kitchen.

Hansol and Jinseok have a complicated relationship, although Hansol’s reluctant to admit it. They’re roommates, and friends, but sometimes they mess around, which isn’t all that unusual for Hansol and his friends to do. Sure, it makes things complicated that they live together, and that Hansol still brings other guys back to the dorm, and that their relationship borders on being a little too close for mere friends sometimes, but it’s nice—they cuddle, and Hansol often gives Jinseok goodbye kisses when he leaves for class, or will crawl into his bed at night when he gets lonely or in need of a hug. 

But they’re just close friends, and Hansol knows that. It would be stupid to try for anything more than that. Jinseok surely wouldn’t want anything more, and Hansol’s fine with that, he’s happy with how they are right now. Honestly, when they’re both home alone, it sometimes feels like living with a boyfriend, though Hansol shuts those thoughts down quickly whenever they pop up. He’s not about to ruin an important friendship with complications like that. He’d already gotten himself in too far with other guys and regretted it, he’s not about to let that happen with Jinseok.

So, playing it off as if he’s intentionally worn a sheer robe around Jinseok because he’s just that comfortable with him is the logical decision. He simply smiles when Jinseok accepts the offer of tea and turns to grab another cup from the cupboard above his head, hoping Jinseok hadn’t noticed the flush on his cheeks. He busies himself tidying away a few dishes he’d left out beside the sink to dry then pours the boiled water into the cups just as Jinseok reappears. 

kwxeden​:

one’s life as a university student will, at some point, lead them to a senseless party of wonder. whether it be on their own accord or because they’re dragged in by the insistence of their circle of friends, there’s a clear path towards the rowdy yet congenial gathering that usually culminates in hangovers and drunken stupors. back then, eden thought he wasn’t the type to go to parties, always figured he was someone who prefers to listen to music in the comforts of his own earphones or the music studios.

like every student who wants to get along with new friends though, he had been brought along to a party. come to find out, it’s not a bad experience at all—it’s fun, all things considered. the more alcohol he got into his system, the more mind-numbing it becomes. eden had always been a deep thinker, so he appreciates the chances where he could just turn off his brain for once. at least enough to forget a few things, even for a moment, even if he knows he’ll regret not remembering once morning rolls in.

for now, though, he’ll do nothing but enjoy himself. stop thinking about anything and just feel. whether it be the rush of beer burning his throat, the boom of music drumming against his ears, the anticipation and warmth of a body against his—every bit of sensation that can light his skin on fire, to indulge in someone else; anything other than the thoughts that flood his active mind.

as if on cue, he hears a familiar voice calling out for him, noticing a nickname that only one person ever uses ( and he doesn’t mind it at all, because he finds it cute ). eden doesn’t need to turn to know who’s approaching him, even as an arm loops over his own. he tilts his head slightly, catching sight of hansol himself, the corners of his lips quirking upwards once he had confirmed the other’s identity.

“hi, hannie,” eden greets in return, voice gentle amidst the loud bass blasting through the speakers. but hansol is close enough, he’s sure hansol can hear him. “i came with a couple of friends, but they pretty much ditched me. probably because they found their eye candy for the night. can you believe it?” he fakes exasperation when in reality he gets it. it’s the reason why a majority of the people here attend these parties in the first place, other than to get blackout drunk.

noticing his friend stumbling slightly, struggling to keep upright, eden decides to let hansol lean his weight against him, wrapping an arm loosely against hansol’s waist. acting as support. “you seem tipsy already,” he notes with a light laugh. “you said you’ve been looking for me? well, i’m right here.” unable to contain his urge to tease, always the devil of temptation, eden pulls hansol in a little closer. “do you need my services again, or do you want me this time?” he asks in a whisper, right to hansol’s ear.

a second after, eden pulls away, only a little, as if he hadn’t been playing with the lines of taunting. “anyway, i’m alone now. so if you want all my attention, you can have it.”

Hansol can hold a reasonable amount of liquor—he’d been drinking enough since starting college to get a good hold on his limits, but where’s the fun in listening to his body when it tells him it’s at it’s limit and any more would tip him over into the realms of solidly tipsy. A few cups ago he’d been steady on his feet, and his emotions had still been firmly in check, but now he’s giggling at nothing, and wondering when Eden began to radiate heat like a furnace. Liquor adds a sparkle to Hansol’s nights like nothing else, and he’s not strong enough to hold back from indulging, even if the beer is cheap and bitter. 

Eden seems to sparkle himself, as if all the liquor that made Hansol buzz inside had shifted to focus like a spotlight on the raven-haired man right in front of him. For a moment he just stares, a small smile on his lips, listening to him talk about his friends ditching him. Hansol came with a couple people, but he can’t even remember who anymore, not that he cares about that when he’s sliding a hand up to Eden’s shoulder to rest there, half against his chest as he’s pulled closer. 

The thing about Eden is that he can say and do anything and it’ll be enough for Hansol. He simply has to utter Hansol’s name and he’ll do whatever he wants. He’s as intoxicating as the fruity cocktails Hansol has a penchant for—sneakily, sweetly slipping into every inch of him and leaving him addicted. It’s a recipe for disaster, and he knows that, but he’s a sucker for indulgence, never one to say no to things he knows he’d be better off without. 

Hansol leans in closer, lips brushing against Eden’s earlobe as he replies in a soft voice only loud enough for him to hear, “I always want you, you know that.” But then Eden’s pulling away, not far, but enough for Hansol to almost fall forward against him. “You look nice tonight.” He continues once he’s steadied himself. Frankly, he’s not sure what the plan is now that he’s found Eden—he’d been too focused on trying to find him that he’d not even thought about why he wanted to. 

Starter for @kwsubin !

Frankly, Hansol isn’t sure what he’s doing. Ever since arriving at the festival to help at the broadcasting club’s booth he’d been confused, running around this way and that, fetching things and plugging things into other things, and all the while, he’d been wondering when the fun bit would begin. People are doing some sort of video message thing, and while Hansol thinks the idea is cute, he’s not having fun being the one facilitating it, rather than receiving a cute message. 

One weird occurrence the day had brought about was that Subin had been helping out, and as usual he’d been stiff and cold with Hansol. He’s not sure why Subin doesn’t like him, but knowing Hansol, Subin had probably heard about him and didn’t like the kind of person he is. His loss, Hansol thinks with a pout. Even if Subin had been weird for a few hours, Hansol had been nothing but nice to him, since he’s not about to give him another reason to dislike him.

Starter for @ryokw !

It’s funny how the heart works, sometimes. How, one minute you can be enjoying time with a friend, who’s just a friend, and the next just seeing them makes everything inside ache. Hansol knew he shouldn’t get in too deep with Eden, and he’s reluctant to admit that he even has. But knowing Eden won’t ever like Hansol more than he currently does stings. They enjoy their time together, and Hansol’s usually the initiator, so he’s only got himself to blame for the amount of times they’ve fooled around together, but he’s a weak man, and where Eden’s involved he’s even weaker. 

It’s not Eden’s fault that Hansol can’t control his feelings. It’s not Eden’s fault that he only sees Hansol as a friend. It’s Hansol’s fault. All of it. 

So, why is he crying?!

He’s not sure what sent him over the edge today, of all days—perhaps spending the odd night with Eden had finally caught up to Hansol emotionally. Whatever it is, he’s hurrying through the halls of one of the college buildings, eyes stinging, vision blurring as tears begin to well, trying to find a place to just let it out. Finally, he spots a door to a rarely-used stairwell near the back of the building and pushes through it, letting it swing closed behind him before resting his back against it and closing his eyes to let the tears fall. 

A choked cry passes his lips and his lifts a hand to his mouth to try and stifle it, still somewhat fighting his emotions. That’s it—no more messing around with boys who’ll never want more from him than something physical. Eden’s sweet, and Hansol will never admit to him that he’d let his emotions run wild and ruined the fun they’d been having, but he can’t continue, not when every rendezvous ends with Hansol sitting on his bed in the early hours of the morning wondering why he continues to hurt himself like that. 

kwkiyong​:

attention. as any prideful athlete, kiyong thrives in attention. most of the time, his desire to perform well increases by tenfold when there are spectators watching him. the older he gets, the more he has learned to ignore the audience and enter his own world. but he’s only human, so there was no way he would not notice that one really cute and chic guy always dropping by the rink. (let’s conveniently ignore the fact that cute and chic people are his type…)

the ice rink is kiyong’s second home, and he’d wager he sees the rink staff more than he sees his own classmates and family. he tries to justify to his coach every two training sessions that again, there was just absolutely no way he (or his coach!) would not be able to remember such a striking face.

so to his absolute delight one day, he gets to sit beside the pretty boy during a class. he thanks whichever deity is taking care of him as he had been so close to skipping this particular class so he could sleep in .. but he had a nagging feeling that this is one class he should not skip. his impassive cold face betrays the glee his inner self is experiencing. if this was an anime, there would be chibi versions of himself dancing and cheering in the background.

as the class starts, kiyong pays attention to the professor at the front, typing his notes into his neatly set up notion page. he tries his utmost best to not sneak a peek at the guy sitting next to him. his sister would be very impressed by his discipline, hah. halfway through the class, the professor announces that for this semester’s project, the pairs would be according to the seating plan, mainly because she’s too lazy to assign specific pairings.

“random question, but do you skate?” kiyong asks offhandedly as he turns to the other. it was a question he and the rest of the ice skating club had been wondering. the other student had the proportions for an athlete and the grace of a figure skater. “or do you happen to do ballet?”

“nice to finally meet you, by the way. i’m nam kiyong,” he smiles, holding out a hand for the other to shake. “please go easy on me for this assignment.”

Blissfully ignorant of the curve ball their professor is about to throw them, Hansol tries his best to look studious. Even if he can’t muster up the courage to flirt with Kiyong, he can at least try and make himself look better, in case Kiyong ever decides to ask him for a pencil or something. Hansol tries his best not to slouch, despite the boring lesson almost putting him to sleep. It’s hard to focus when he keeps glancing over to the handsome man beside him and feeling his insides do little flips. How is it legal for someone to be that pretty?

When their professor decides to turn Hansol’s entire day upside down by announcing that their project partners will be those they’re seated beside, his eyes widen for a moment, realising he’s going to have to talk to Kiyong, and spend at least some time in his presence if they’re going to get anything done for the project. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to spend time with him, in fact it’s the complete opposite. Hansol wants to spend a lot of time with Kiyong, but he just knows he’ll end up doing or saying something that’ll ruin his chances—if he’s even got any chance at all to begin with. 

Hansol isn’t expecting Kiyong to talk to him, at least not yet. Had the universe been kinder to Hansol it would have given him a few more minutes to prepare himself for being the subject of Kiyong’s attention. He lifts his eyes to meet Kiyong’s, frozen for a moment as he tries to remind his brain to process the words directed at him. Does he skate? Sure, with all the proficiency of Bambi walking on ice for the first time. “I- uh... I’ve done a bit of ballet before, but I can’t skate to save my life, I’m afraid.” 

Starter for @kwsaebyul !

He’s not one for anything drastic. Okay, that’s a lie. He’s currently heading ass-first out of a tiny bathroom window to escape an ex-fling he’d ended things pretty badly with. He just didn’t want to have to deal with the conversation that could ensue if they bumped into each other, or even the hate-filled, or even worse, longing-filled looks that might get sent his way. No, it was far easier just... running away. 

He’d not locked the bathroom door—he wasn’t an asshole. Hansol had simply run in and done what he always did when things got too difficult, he decided to climb out the window and escape this situation in favour of potentially finding a much more desirable one elsewhere. This wasn’t the only party going on, surely. He’d find something else, or someone else, to entertain him tonight. 

Starter for @kwjinwoo !

He’s like bambi. His knees wobble, as does his bottom lip, as he shuffles around the edge of the rink, squealing every time he thinks he’s about to fall on his butt again. He’s already got a bruise forming, he’s sure of it. “It’s hard.” He whines at Jinwoo, who’d so kindly offered to teach him—and yet right now all Hansol can do is whine at him. Part of him feels bad for his behaviour; he’s probably no pleasure to teach right now, but the other part of him that’s cold and aching doesn’t really care.

His fingers are numb from clutching at the railing so hard, his leg muscles trembling both from the cold, and the effort of staying tensed so as to not let him fall over again. “How-” He’s cut off as he slips, squeaking and grabbing onto the edge with both hands to steady himself, before continuing his question. “How do you stay upright so easily?”

Hansol had been on the ice a few times before with friends when they’d persuaded him to risk his life running around on a slippery surface with knives on his feet. But, since realising just how bad he was at it, he’d kept well away, simply watching the people with superior balance glide around elegantly instead. It’d how he’d met Jinwoo. He’d been watching the ice skating club practise for a while (absolutely not because multiple of the guys there were cute), and Jinwoo had eventually offered to teach him. Hansol’s not sure what possessed him to say yes, but now here he was, making a fool of himself.