Of My Adventures And Heartbreaks

Goodnight, me aul flower

I love you!

I love you too, S

————————

songs about

you

from now on,

for a

you and I’ll

sit across from each other

at the kitchen table

and go over

Just to go and throw it all away

Don’t make me wait

‘till these mistakes I’ve made have put me in the grave

Don’t wanna lose it

31st May.

Happy birthday.

Today marks one year since the day we met.

(…)

It’s almost unbelievable how much happened in a year.

A year ago today, my life changed.

You brought the change.

A year ago, today I saw you and I knew I saw gonna love you.

That was about the only thing I knew of what was to come.

And now after all, I don’t even know how I feel about you.

And I guess I don’t have to anymore either.

Now, I can just gently say

I have been missing you a lot the last two days.

I haven’t and I won’t act on it, but in my head… yeah. I have been missing you.

You’ve visited me in my dreams and you haven’t left me alone in my waking hours either.

But…

I need to see it all clearly.

You are a good person, who is trying their best I suppose but regardless, you treated me carelessly and led me on…

I was in a lot of pain that was caused by you for a long time and I am at peace with knowing it’s best for me to move on.

And moving on doesn’t have to mean it’s to another man.

I am moving on, to exclusively doing what’s healthy for me

Maybe because we watched the sun come up so many times those days.

Maybe it’s the way the light hits the ocean, that reminded me of the way your eyes turn more blue when you’re tired.

Or maybe the smell of smoke hanging around as thick in this living-room as the weight of falling into each other did back then.

Either way… I think of it with romance.

And longing isn’t there anymore.

I catch myself wondering off about how could you have been. If you some days just up and drive down to the water at sunrise because you can’t put your mind at ease.

You must think of me too, I know you do.

It still carries some ache -thinking about you… but everything is done. This ache is only the echo of the habit of loving you. It is okay that sometimes you sometimes cross my mind. It is okay that things sometimes remind me of you. It is okay that it is painful. This part is meant to be… the aftermath of loving someone is meant to me painful.

But

As I’ve been sitting in this thick smoke, writing this, the sun came up and the light is shining through the window glass. And it is making space in my soul for new love.

And this new love… this new love won’t be gone come morning…

this new love

He liked to put his arm behind his ears while he slept

But if you need to go

How some live, and

Some

don’t.

And I don’t know who is it who decides, but he… he didn’t.

(…)

Standing on the back of this cart and thinking maybe I shouldn’t go

That maybe I should stay

Just to keep him awake

It’s last July

It’s July dust

(…)

Because I am closing the door shut now.

I will never forget you, A.C.

You made a chapter for yourself in the story of my life and even though I am finally the one walking away and it hurts in a new way I can quite explain yet: I know I am doing the right thing.

You left me and for the next 8 months did not try to change that fact. You just wanted to hang around? Because letting go is hard. It is scary.

And I have waited enough, A. I have, truly.

I have waited enough for you to change your mind, and I lived through every minute of the pain you caused.

I am letting you go with no anger or sourness. I am letting you go with faded love.

There might be times I still think of you, times I even wanna reach out and it’ll be hard to stop myself.

But I am finally walking away from what’s consistently and actively not choosing me.

Thank you for coming to my life.

You had an impact.

You changed me.

Shook me to my core.

Showed me the love I desire to feel does in fact: exist.

I don’t wait for you anymore to step up.

I don’t wait for you anymore to be the man you used to be by my side.

I just… don’t wait for you anymore.

Because I waited 8 months for nothing.

Because I waited 8 months only for you to tell me I meant the world for you too.

And because that isn’t enough.

It is heartbreakingly not enough.

I let you go with love, because there is no other way I can let you go.

I let you go with love because I deserve the same love I gave you.

I let you go with love, because you were the love of my life for a while.

I let you go with love, because even if you gave me pain, I wanna carry on the kindness.

I let you go with love because no matter the amount of love of mine you wasted over the last months I can only go on knowing that I gave the best I could.

I let you go with love because I wish you to have all the love you are capable of letting in.

I wish you the love you weren’t able to sustain with me.

I wish you the dreams you are chasing.

I wish you to find someone who you’ll love as much as I loved you. Ready to cross the world. Ready to break in two.

You meant the world to me, A.C.

Go on now,

Spread the love we couldn’t keep

If someone told the sweet seventeen year old S, she would be writing a song about you and letting herself wonder off thinking what direction you and I might be heading towards, she would’ve straight up just not believed them.

Truth be told, if someone walked up to the sweet seventeen year old S, she would have not believed most things that happened.

That one day, she’ll be standing in a home, with the guitar hanging from her shoulders, and fingers on the piano, playing her own songs.

Here is to new beginnings.

And to everything that led up to this point.

By someone else quietly taking the parts of my mind over, where you used to be.

It sort of feels odd, anyway, to write to you really.

Feels meaningless.

I didn’t see the end of it, while I was in it but now, that I don’t stand so close, I know I am over you.

I have written the last song about you, and there isn’t more to come.

Thank you for stopping by.

Please stay gone.

With kindness,

Although I regret not listening better, it doesn’t justify what came afterwards. I acted in alignment with what I knew, felt and believed at the time and stayed true to who I was back then. And I also do take responsibility for the hurt that I caused.

That period used to be magic in my memories, but everything that came afterwards made me question the validity of every minute we spent together and I don’t think back on it kindly anymore. I don’t know if it was worth it, but I wouldn’t go through it again.