This post was inspired by this video: https://youtu.be/43e42IpEklw?si=81GeXJcfP8onk_L7
Being a cishet male, who would I choose from RWBY to be my girlfriend/wife?
Almost none of them. Granted part of that is me being aromantic but there's also the whole thing where almost all the onscreen female characters in the show are.... They're just awful! Or just invalid choices!
-Ruby Rose: Too young. Also the "crash Atlas into Mantle" thing.
-Weiss Schnee: Too young. Also the "crash Atlas into Mantle" thing.
-Blake Belladonna: Too young. And even if she was older, she's an obnoxious liberal who probably has a severe allergic reaction towards dialectical materialism. <i>Also the "crash Atlas into Mantle" thing.</i>
-Yang Xiao Long: Too young. And she's an off putting Vindictive asshole.
-Nora Valkyrie: Too young. Also she's already engaged.
-Pyrrha Nikos: Too young. (Are you starting to see a pattern here?) Also she's dead.
-Penny Polendina: Not only is she a robot and thus <i>probably aroace</i> but she's also a <b>literal flying weapon</b>. Intimacy is just ASKING to get maimed/killed.
-Summer Rose: Missing-In-Action. Ignoring that, she's probably also in her late 30s/early 40s by now. As someone in his early 20's that's really pushing it.
-Raven Branwen: Also a vindictive asshole, and a <b>literal war lord</b>. She deserves to be hung, not find love. Ignoring all that, she's <b>also</b> probably in her late 30s/early 40s. And again, even if we ignore <i>all of that</i> she's not even pretty. I have no idea why people like her (be it lust or even antagonist wise).
-Maria Calavera: Way <b>way</b> too old! She is one of the few characters on here that is both an interesting person and hasn't done awful things though. She's all around agreeable to be around! As for the elderly reading this: I found a great contender for all of you!
-Emerald Sustrai: Sided with the weird demon witch thing, facilitating the murders of tens of thousands, probably millions. The fact she got a "redemption" really pisses me off. My first thought seeing her would be to <i>locate the nearest 12 gauge shotgun</i> not ask her out to a date/hookup.
-Salem: The literal incarnation of evil. Pass.
-Cinder Fall: She's a narcissist. She can accidentally poor hydrofluoric acid on herself and die a horrible and extremely painful bone failure related death for all I care.
-Coco Adel: She's a lesbian, so an automatic disqualification for me. Apparently she's also a sex pest who likes to stare at other women for pleasure. Just..... EW!
-Velvet Scarlatina: She kinda just.... Exists in my mind lol. Probably too young.
-Glynda Goodwitch: She'd be middle aged. Was probably killed-in-action during the Fall of Beacon too.
-Miss Malachite: Kinda comes off as a scumbag.
-Malachite Twins: Also come off as scumbags.
-Gender bent Bartholomew Oobleck: Extremely goofy history nerd. Yes!
-Ilia Amitola: Again she's a lesbian, so an automatic disqualification for me. While watching the flaming dumpster fire that was Season 5 I can really only describe Ilia's presence as "extremely annoying" and "viciously disinterested". I was SO FUCKING GLAD when she pissed off the first episode of Season 6!
-Sienna Khan: A fellow revolutionary? And one who's actively organizing the masses albeit in a heavily flawed way? And she has decent looks? Yes please! Now let me grab my copies of The Foundations of Leninism and other works- Oh. She uh..... She got killed. Nevermind.
-Neon Katt: Not interested.
-Winter Schnee: She kinda pretty and.... Oh. She uh.... She backstabs Ironwood and follows through with team RWBY's hairbrained idea. Nevermind.
-Caroline Cordovin: Too old. Pass.
-Olive Harper: RWBY has a lot of forgettable characters doesn't it? Good looks, but again, pass as I have <i>no god damn clue who she is.</i>
-Elm Ederne: Good looks.... That's uh..... That's about it.
-Harriet Bree: Gives off massive "brat" vibes. No thank you!
-Robyn Hill: The whole election subplot thing came off as political pandering to me, and not in a good way. Found the whole thing so <b>incredibly insufferable</i>. Robyn gives off "Kamala Harris" vibes and just.... Ew. Just <b>EW</b>. <b><big>FUCK</big></b> no!
-Fiona Thyme: Would be a useful "friend" on account of her pocket dimension lol. Infinite storage for all my trashpicked findings!
-Joanna Greenleaf: I'm not interested. Sorry Joanna.
-May Marigold: Probably in her 20s? Honestly she's cute! Smash but only if she likes men.
-Neon Katt: Oh god, she's loud and never shuts up. Like Bailey Bucket when I was still in school! That brat was ultra high pitched and loud, even during stuff like tests. FUCK no!
-Neopolitan: Other then playing a key part in mafia affairs, sure why not? I do kinda headcannon her as aromantic though.
-Jaune's sister and her girlfriend: They're lesbians and already engaged: Pass.
Alright so the only real options for me are:
-The token gesture trans woman Rooster Teeth threw in to try and appear "progressive".
-Roman Torchwick's former business partner. (I don't consider that a ship.)
Everyone else is either dead, too young, too old, not interested in men, and/or horribly unlikable. Lmfao.
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