Heart Strings

I haven’t been rping a lot here but I made a few friends off msn, skype, texting, even facebook. Each one of you are special to me but there are memories I don’t wish to go back to… I can’t hide all this forever. I’m sorry but, there are a lot of things I’d like to confess. Whether you choose to hate me for any thing. Feel free to do so…

I originally made this account to hide the fact that Emmy (bwaybeetiger) has been sick for a while. She asked me to take care of two people, Her umma Ailee and her Appa Junho. At first I didn’t know anything about RPing… I knew the basics… that was it. I was only here to check up on two people… that’s all I planned to do but in reality it turns out that I knew Ailee ooc. I didn’t know it was her til my best friend told me and I will admit I was shocked. I started using this more, hoping to have a better connect to her and I realized something. I wanted Ailee to be happy and she found happiness being around one man. I supported it. I didn’t tell anyone I wasn’t Emmy until I spoke to Junho one night. Things just felt apart from there… it felt as if Emmy never existed to begin with.

once she got better an accident happened between her and her elder sister where they were both hit by a truck. Emmy has been in a coma since then and her elder sister died instantly. I told no one. I kept it a secret. I just wanted Ailee to be happy. I sacrificed a lot of my own sufferings in order to keep my promise but I noticed that Ailee herself wasn’t happy at all. When I heard Ailee and Junho were going out I was happy for the both of them. I thought things will get better from there but it turns out that I messed myself up ooc. I’ve been stressing about school, work has never been so difficult and I can’t keep up with all the bills I have to pay on my own. I stopped eating as much as I loved to, I can barely grab wifi without it turning off on me and my phone is probably going to get shut off… 

This has been going on for some time now. I had a few confessions of suicides… a few hate messages. People started to look at me differently. It all just build up… and I got tired. I felt like a failure. When I realized Ailee was back at the hospital and hearing all this mess about Junho… I… couldn’t control my emotions anymore. My anger got the best of me… telling Ailee to just break up with him, sending hate messages so he’d let her go… I’m not proud of what I did. I’ll never be proud of what I’ve done. I never thought I’d be one of those people who’d waste their time doing something like this. I messed up. Instead of keeping my promise… I made things worse. I don’t feel brave enough to ask for forgiveness…. I don’t want any of you to forgive me. 

I even started hating rpers… I didn’t like people who face chased and I even found people who made me feel like I’m worthless. I hated them all. Krystal, Zelo, Kyungsoo, Tiffany, Wooyoungie, Soohyun… these people. I hated so much. I don’t apologize for hating you.

Not just those two… but Munnie…? I had a chance to save her. She called me the night before anything happened. We talked, laughed and she sounded okay… until I felt tired. If I hadn’t fallen asleep on her I might have had time… time to tell her to not do it. What woke me up that night was her mom’s scream through the phone… I won’t ever forget how scared her mother sounded… how much she was screaming and how loud it got. The phone call being made to the police for an ambulance. I couldn’t even hang up… I sat there listening to everything until the call died. Yet here I was, not saying a word. It ate me alive. My best friend Miza is going off to the army, Vicki is off to the states, Michelle won’t even look at me… I felt distant. The only people I felt comfortable with was Brian and Sulli. They were the only people willing to still talk to me… even if I didn’t tell them what was happening.

I’ve never understood what depression was… but last night was the first time I actually started cutting. I don’t want to die. I’m afraid of pain but last night… it didn’t hurt at all. I want to escape the rp world. How much trouble it has cost me already … I rather run away from it all. I’m sorry to those I failed. Sorry to those who’s ever been hurt by me. Sorry to those I made feel bad… you’ll never have to deal with me again. My pathetic good bye… and my last post ever on this account.