i wear the crown all day

LOU: Good. I feel like things are clicking between us, but just not on that level. I'm hoping we'll get there, but I guess we'll just see.

LOU: Yeah, but we could totally try if you wanted.

LOU: You didn't answer my question.

KHY: For a minute I thought you meant we weren’t clicking on a sexual level, and I was about to slip up and call you a liar. But does that mean you saying you wanna be with me in the future?

KHY: I’ll never pass up on 69ing so I’m down if you are.

ALFRED: WHO THE FUCK is your first favorite alfred

ALFRED: i can't believe i'm being taught emojis by an old person. but thanks 👈🏻👈🏻😉

KHYREE: Pennyworth.

Nah, I’m a.. bad decisions and prison kinda person. Definitely not even close to a military person.

Was it a bad decision or just one of those wrong places wrong time kind of things? ‘Cause there is a difference.

I didn’t think I’d miss social media, or interacting with normal people again, but I was so wrong. I’m sure that feeling’ll wear off eventually; but after being cut off from the outside world for two years, I gotta say, getting back into the swing of things and slowly catching up on shit is nice. 

You another military person or do you got a different story?

I went to give blood today, and the nurse that sorted it out was really cute. Like, so cute that once I was done and got off of the bed, I thanked her and she smiled at me, and I ended up tripping over my own feet. Well done, Levi. 

Please tell me it was the blood loss that got you trippin and you ain’t losing your game. Did you at least shoot your shot?

Oh we do. I mean we haven’t done a soup kitchen, but we’ve cleaned up the beach, and volunteer at the animal hospital. I think he’s pretty grounded, but I am his mom, so I’m bias. Really? He might not. He has manners. No need to worry about him.

The soup kitchen should be your next stop. Y’all should do it on Christmas too so he can learn the gift of giving or learn it some more if you already taught it to him. He probably is grounded, but it wouldn’t hurt to ground him some more. Well, if you’re sure then I think I could babysit for a couple of hours.

So I was watching TV, something I rarely do after a long day at the gym, and as I was channel surfing, I saw this show where people go on a blind date completely naked. Now that takes courage, but what’s to stop people from getting it on while they are on the date? Or am I the only that thinks about things like that?

You’re probably the only one worried about it. Who cares if you fucking on the first date? That just means the chemistry was through the roof and everybody ain’t got time for that third date shit.

Have you ever heard me saying I hate walk-in appointments? If the answer is no then you’re either a) lying or b) have never spoken to me before. Anyway. Some dude just walked in, I’m talking a literal grown ass man, and asked for a portrait of Kendall Jenner on his arm with the words “I’m gonna understand the inner workings of a woman” coming out of her mouth in a speech bubble. Pretty sure that sums up how my hump day’s gonna go.

What? No way. This is the first time I’m hearing it or seeing it if you wanna be technical. That doesn’t sound like too bad of a tattoo tho. I mean, it is but I think seeing it in one of those “Top 20 worst tattoos” lists would be worth the laugh.

So something weird happened to me last night. My Netflix wasn’t working so I called the Netflix dude and after he fixed it he said let’s try it out and see if it worked so we watched an hour long movie together and I don’t know I think it was a date? But on another note, my Netflix is up and now I can catch up on some shows. Any suggestions?

What movie was it and how did the conversation end? ‘Cause if neither of y’all said y’all had a good time then it was probably more business than pleasure.

I mean, it’s an improvement on enemy… So I guess sure, why not!

I mean, enemy does have a nice ring to it if you cut out the negative connotation of the word. Sounds like it could be a pretty cool alias too if you ever wanted to fuck some shit up.

Oh it is totally because of  the mom. I don’t get the whole treating your child like he’s better. Ezra IS better, but I don’t let him believe that. I think it is a disservice to him if he believed he was better. I will. I’ll meet their parents first. Want to baby sit?

There’s nothing wrong with teaching your kid he’s the best you just gotta do it right. While you’re letting him know he’s the shit, just make sure to instill some good manners and common sense while you at it. Take him out to volunteer at soup kitchens and shit like that. Ha, you barking up the wrong tree with that offer, Marianne. I’ll gladly watch the babies, but lil man got a lil too much common sense for me.

ALFRED: anything for you bb

ALFRED: why isn't there a finger guns emoji yet

KHYREE: This is why you're my second favorite person named Alfred.

I’m going to be needing everyone to call me one of the following whenever you’re talking to me around my children from now on:

Mom

Mommy

Mama

Because my mom uses my name so much when yelling at speaking to me that my daughter has picked up on it, but she can’t really say it properly. So now my almost two year old keeps calling me “Enemy” and I’m just not here for that.

Can’t I just stick to Em? It’s basically how you would spell the pronunciation for M and that’s close enough to all those words.

Can someone please tell me why kids are so mean? Ezra had a friend come over today, and the kid was just rude. He just had no manners, then he got in a fight with my son, because he told him something which was true, and the kid told him, he was wrong. Ezra was super hurt, so we cut the play date short, but then his mom has the audacity to send me this huge angry text, because Ez told him storks didn’t deliver babies.. My son is seven. He was there when the twins were born, who knows how it happened, and according to him, he just said the stork doesn’t deliver babies, mommy’s did, and the boy went off, so that was fun. I need some wine.

He’s probably a dick ‘cause of his mom. Baby girl don’t sound like she’s too pleasant to deal with either. Also, you should probably start vetting these kids a little more carefully before you let just them in yo house. Find you a babysitter and enjoy the whole bottle ‘cause you need it.

VERA: I was honestly joking, but I'd like all the details you're willing to give. What kind of kidnapper is that? You're a weirdo.

VERA: Maybe, but I think I'm pretty much stuck with it. I don't know either, you'd be lost and bored.

KHY: Do you remember me telling you how she told me she was down to be my ride or die? Well after hearing that I kinda got horny af 'cause those are the words I've been waiting to hear all my life, so I got her naked and then went down on her. After she came, she caught her breath and then asked me if she could return the favor.

KHY: Obviously the type of kidnapper who tortures and kills people. Don't you watch Criminal Minds? There's a bunch of weirdos out there so you gotta be prepared at all times.

ALFRED: somehow this is making me want to spend more time at your place

ALFRED: coolios broolios

ALFRED: i mean

ALFRED: okay

KHYREE: As long as you do it naked then that's fine by me.