drowning in fetal position

I hope my film turns out fine because I have some nice pictures of a graveyard and my friends and my friends in a graveyard and whatnot on there

My psychiatrist’s recommendation for me so far was to laugh and play more. This heehee hoohoo say uncle ass psychiatrist

They tie your hands to the gurney in the ICU and they don’t let you go outside if you attempted suicide

I think what kept pulling me towards death after my first suicide attempt is that I’d lost my consciousness and didn’t feel much of the stomach pumping and other stuff. It felt idyllic. The second time, I didn’t have enough time to lose my consciousness before somebody called an ambulance. I felt everything. It was terrible

They probably won’t let me go home with all of my pills again but I’m not sure how that will work. Or maybe they will

Kid named tried offing myself twice in one month the description of my second hospital visit says “Poisoned himself by overdosing on antidepressant and antipsychotic pills again. Not the first time”

On paroxetine now

In the hospital again because I tried offing myself again

She tries to measure out with steps whether her body would fit in one specific spot between graves

I tell her I’ll be celebrating my birthday for the first time in maybe 12 years in August, several months after my real birthday. A rebirth, I say

We don’t call it when I tried to kill myself or when I attempted suicide. We say, when did you die? I died May 9th. Ah, I died June 6th

She says, I think you feel the pull towards death still because you haven’t seen in yet. You haven’t seen blood on the pavement

I take a photo of her by that spot

Went out with a friend I hadn’t seen or talked to in four months today. She’d attempted suicide by overdose a month earlier than I. She takes me to a graveyard and says, this is where I would like to be buried. She says, I want my funeral to be in the summer and I want everyone to wear beautiful white linens and I also want to be buried in white linens. She says, this is the exact spot I want to be buried

It’s kind of funny how much people start giving a shit once you try to kill yourself. I have to do a six week mental health thing at the hospital daily starting next week and I also now have a meeting with a university-appointed psychologist that I was informed of today