THE MONTEREY FIVE.

me this week: *buys myself a new skirt, shoes, and one of those knitted harry potter initial jumpers that i have wanted since i first saw them in the movie*

males:

justice smith

joe dempsie

nicholas hoult

joe keery

dacre montgomery

bill skarsgard

dev patel

hero fiennes tiffin

zane holtz

john boyega

david harbour

alexander skarsgard

jeffrey dean morgan

oscar isaac

females:

elle fanning

maisie williams

courtney eaton

nicole kidman

adria arjona

carla gugino

laura harrier

ana de armas

sophie turner

tessa thompson

margot robbie

saoirse ronan

lana condor

odeya rush

so yeah, just wanted to put up a little post and explain why i’ve been MIA when i had so many amazing ships and exciting plots i wanted to write and was really getting back into roleplaying again. but things have been super tough these past few weeks. i’ve been recovering from my laparoscopy and have recently gone back to work, which has taken its toll on me. my iron levels are still really low and a blood transfusion may be imminent.

i guess the thought of going back into hospital is having a big effect on me because i really don’t want to go back in. all the physical stuff i could deal with; the blood tests, the surgery, the being nil by mouth (not being able to eat anything), fluids and antibiotics being pumped into me, all that i can deal with. but it was the lack of privacy, the being on a ward with nine other people who are all equally ill as me, the being woken up by people vomitting and crying in pain throughout the night (which, no lie, was me on my first few nights) but it’s so hard to go to sleep, and during the day they have the bright lights on so it’s impossible to get sleep under them. you’re not allowed to pull the curtains shut around your bed because the nurses come back and open them because they have to be able to see you. i guess it’s the constantly being watched and having no privacy that really affected me, especially having lived alone for the past year and a half and not being used to having a constant audience, especially when i’m at my most vulnerable. and they wake you up at 6am for medication but visitors are not allowed until 2pm and only until 4pm. so you’re alone for most of the day and it’s hard.

so yeah, i can tell that’s weighing heavily on my mind because i’m not able to sleep and i keep getting migraines and nosebleeds.

and also, my weight has plummeted again. i’m back to being way below what i should be for my height and age. it’s a stress thing and i’ve been through it before in my teens when i got alarmingly small because of anxiety and stress. i didn’t think i was at that stage again but the doctors in the hospital mentioned it a few times and my work colleagues have started noticing too. my work mates mean well and don’t want to hurt my feelings, but it’s kinda frustrating when you have health issues you’re trying to work through and they dismiss it as you being “so skinny”. like yeah dude, my ovarian cyst that ruptured and set all these events in motion is definitely because of my weight and not related to my hormones at all. it doesn’t help that i work with mostly guys that really don’t understand how these things work. like my manager legit said, “so is it something to do with your kidneys?” and i was like “...no. it literally says on my doctors note it’s because of my ovaries.”

so yeah, i’m trying to work through all my issues right now and get back on track and hopefully get to a place where i feel better both mentally and physically. but i really wanna be around to plot, so even if i can’t bring myself to write, i am going to try to log into here and discord more often to keep up with my partners. if you’re okay with plotting and chatting instead of writing (only for now until i get myself back together) then please feel free to message me on here or my discord kravitzwrites.#1801