“besides, more people show up for stuff at halloween time than christmas. candy sales are way up. why would i put more effort into christmas than halloween?”

“kid, it’s literally september. at least let halloween run its course. didn’t you learn anything from our last war?”

“...” He takes down a Christmas reef that got put on his door.

“so, it comes down to this, huh?” He says this with all the seriousness he can put into his voice without being genuinely terrifying. He’s holding up a giant jack-o-lantern that does a witch’s cackle when you press the button.

This shop will stand as Halloween’s final push back against Christmas until someone pries his 12-foot-tall skeleton (brother) from his dusty hands. 

“...y’know, real talk, fuck coding. because a single typo just breaks everything. not even a super easy typo. just shit like a ‘,’ instead of a ‘.’ breaks everything to kingdom come.”

Along with forgetting he can just teleport inside. Don’t judge him, he’s had a rough day.

“...huh, town’s kinda quiet lately, eh?” 

“anyone here heard o’ kid nation? th’ fuck kind of shit is that? i don’t wanna say it’s funny because that’s literal psychological torture for some kids-- along with debatable child abuse-- but at th’ same time? kinda funny. i laughed. shouldn’t’ve but i did.”

anyways it’s late (not really but lately 11 is late to me hhh i’m old) so i’mma dip.

“eh, just wandering. i get antsy stayin’ in the same place too long, y’know?”

“can’t go wrong with that. ya havin’ a nice serious conversation and you get a series of text messages so yer phone flips t’ fuck out. once had someone text me thirteen messages and my bro freaked.”

Anyways, here’s this. Because everyone needs to hear that in a kermit voice.

at least i shut my phone into vibrate when i’m like at a date or smth. could you imagine tho?

“on one hand, the first one’s pretty amusing because it starts off like a regular phone ringing, though I’d have to go with the second one. it’s a lot more obnoxious so it’ll be easier to realize you’ve got a call or somethin’. obviously the reason>”