Kottes

Perfectionism and managing expectations have been two things constantly on my mind for the past 3-4 weeks.

I’ve been thinking about starting a blog / publishing writing publicly for a while now. It’s been a struggle as I keep coming back to thoughts of an idea not being good enough, not being in the right state of mind, fear of not having something that compelling to share... and the list goes on. 

What motivated a shift from that thinking today and led to me making a public post was this welling of anger; the anger of holding myself back so I can “weigh the options”, anger over the exhausting internal dialogue about being enough, anger from the ongoing emotional and physical exhaustion. I am responsible for my anger, however, and often anger is an indicator of something happening below the surface. In my case, I think it’s anxiety and fear. I’m scared that I’m not good enough and thus don’t deserve the things I cherish in my life. I set a high bar for myself due to the perfectionistic tendencies and exhaust myself by all the expectations that get imposed as result. Often second guessing and often feeling like I need to cautiously weigh my words, actions, and expression. It’s exhausting to impose these limits and rules. It sometimes feels like I’m being weighed or tied down. I often tell these thoughts to fuck off and hence become angry, but that isn’t the only way I can manage these emotions.

The “evidence” suggests I’m good enough and that there is only a marginal benefit to achieving perfection. I am good enough as I am and to heavily obsess over all the things I’m apparently doing ‘wrong” with my life and my time is to miss life altogether. Failure is important to living and to growth. Sometimes that means falling on your face and feeling like a failure in front of others, but at the end of the day life continues and often to worse case scenario doesn’t happen. 

At this point, I’m writing this more for myself than anything, but maybe anyone out there reading this will find some value. I want to continue along this path of sharing my writing publicly. There is a sense of catharsis that comes with taking what’s in your head, putting it on a page (digital or not) and putting it out to the world so that you no longer have control of it. I think that is why I want to share my writing. I want to let go of control. I want to train my brain to not fear public failure. At work, I often share my work publicly. This comes with its own anxiety, but often it just reinforces that the worse case doesn’t happen and that I’m enough. 

I want to continue to live a rich life that nourishes, allows me to reflect more deeply, builds mindfulness and pushes personal growth. My intention is that this blog supports these goals and appreciate the folks supporting me along the way.

More writing to come.