do not follow

i wonder

how is it possible for a body this small

to carry pain this heavy

without crumbling down

17

i wonder

how is it possible that a body this small

is not weighed down by

trauma this heavy

17

i wonder

how is it possible that i

can smile and talk and laugh

and move with ease

when all i can think about is you

17

you

you are an anchor

heavy, big, unmoving,

placed on my chest,

dragging me down into the depth of the ocean

i cant swim

17

you

you are a hand

holding my head under water

i trash and wither and gasp for air

but i am too small

and you are too heavy

so i drown

17

ive been drowning since i was 17

ive been drowning in you

memories of you

memories of all you have done

how is it possible that you are both the ocean that surrounds me

and the hand that holds me down

im still trashing

im still withering

i am gasping for air

but you are unmoving

still

heavy

i cant breathe

17

you ruined me

you ruined me