Too anxious to sleep, too exhausted to socialize I lay in bed with eyes peeled open with nothing to analyze but myself.
I’ve always been terrible at making my own decisions it seems. I want to live with recklessness, experience everything for all it is because I know just how temporary life is. I want to spend all my hours with my friends, laughing, living, seeing all there is to see. At the same time, I want to just buckle down focus on nothing but my work because if I can do that, then I’ll be able to accomplish things.
Though admittedly I’m more self centered than that. I work because I want to hear that I’m doing good, if I pour everything I am into it I’ll hear the praises of my hard work. That’s what I want. Shallow huh. Just fishing for compliments, but the bait is my own flesh on the hook.
I know. I should shoot for something somewhere in the middle. My life, my friends, and my work. But instead I swing from two extremes, because I can’t fathom not dedicating myself fully to one or the other.
I’m either feeling free and worthless or burdened and valued. Either way I suppose it doesn’t make a lot of difference.
My apathy toward me living on scares me. I can’t say I actively want to die, but I can’t say the thought of dying gives me any feeling either. I grazed death, I came to terms with it and now I’m left with these strange mixed feelings. Or lack thereof.
It wouldn’t be accurate to call me suicidal. But as it is now I’m far from careful. I’m not doing any drugs, or drinking any alcohol, or smoking anything. Nor do I plan to. But I crave a rush, a feeling, anything to drive away the apathy I hold for myself.
And while daredevil things aren’t appealing, throwing my feelings out on a line is. I’m not sure I’d care whether I get burned or not as it is. I just want… people, love, attention, praise. I don’t care about trusting the right people anymore, I’m so tired of being careful.
This rambling probably didn’t make any sense… but I feel better having posted it. I’m fine, and I doubt much will really change in light of this
Its just a glimpse into my thoughts, I guess.
