koalala700

I can't do this anymore. I have tried and tried but I cannot keep doing this with Hades. I'm exhausted, I don't have much of a life. The only time I have peace and get shit done is when he's not here. I wanted to have a dog so badly, and of course the one I find doesn't like cats. He is getting more reactive, he's starting to show he doesn't respect me more and more.. and I just don't have the energy to keep trying.

I'm miserable. I can't just chill around the house. I can't just take a random shower in the afternoon. I can't just randomly drop into window shopping during the week. I have to keep him and the cats separated constantly. The minute I get up, everyone has to get fed and I have to work. Hades has to go out. Then I spend all day on my computer working in between taking Hades out. Then the minute I get off, I'm exhausted and just want to veg around the house and I can't. He needs exercise to get up and out.

I barely eat and am mostly living off frozen dinners because I'd have to lock him up to kick. And I can't call my mom and tell her how exhausted I am because she gets mad that am "supposedly" upset my dog isn't perfect. She doesn't get it. And then she expects me to give THEM my dog. THEM. They, whose house looks like a kennel. They, who have NO dogs that are bathroom trained. They, who have the MOST reactive dogs. They, who will not take him on walks or keep him bathed, or give him enrichment he needs. They, who have dogs that kill cats are going to "handle" Hades and his issues with cats. They both have health issues. They both have MORE than they can handle in spades. But THEY want to take on more dogs.

This entire situation makes me want to check into a mental facility for a 48 hours. I want to live my life and go when I want, do what I want. And I freaking can't. I want to sit in my living room and veg IF I want to.

Letter #8 (I think)

I'm.. still reeling from the weekend. Kaylah seeing the state of my house, crying, hugging me and telling me she wishes she knew how bad my depression was was made me feel, well, loved. To plainly see how much someone is affected by me. To tell me how much they love me. It touched me in a way I can't even explain.

I've been feeling a hole for a long time. Some of it comes from my mom being emotionally unavailable, when I just need my mom. Some of it comes from my family being so far away. Some of it comes from feeling so alone I feel like I can't breathe. Some of it comes from the hole left after you. Something about seeing someone cry.. for me. It broke through the fog and the haze in a way nothing has.

Most days, I don't feel anything anymore. The gastro issues with blood coming out of places it shouldn't, is back. I don't even care anymore. I have to get some teeth removed. All I can do is cry about cost. You know, I'm getting to the point that I don't even say anything is wrong anymore. What's the point? I get anything I feel downplayed to the point where I feel like something is seriously wrong with me. At this point, I'm planning to go back on antidepressants.

And until this weekend, I didn't think there was anything to keep me off the ledge. There's no one and nothing left to keep me from just letting the darkness consume me.

I'm a bit lower than normal lately. I'm a bit more exhausted again. I hope the pills help because nothing else seems to be helping. Even the moment with Kaylah seems to be fleeting. And that scares me. Happy moments, moments where I feel real love, should make me feel more than I do right now.

I wish I could feel something again.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day,

Another day of writing letter number I-don't-even-know anymore. Life has been rough the last few months. I'll put it this way. You knew how much I fell in love with Florida. It's one of the choices I'm most thankful for you helping me make.

Well, I've been at a point where I wanted to move home if I could. I miss my family. And if I'm honest with myself, friends aside, what is here for me? I miss my family so much it hurts. And so much of the city is just memories of you. Even now.

It makes me realize just how much I miss you. At first, I acknowledged just how much I love you. Now I realize how much I miss you in my life. I really do. I miss your steady calm, your humor, the ability to get out of every difficulty life puts before you. I miss the times where I felt complete with you and the times when I felt like you saw all of me.

Lately, I've been feeling the hole much more. I'm exhausted all the time trying to keep afloat. It's just me and I feel alone. I get into these spirals like I did with you where I would freeze and just turn into a zombie. I know I'm not my best right now but I don't know how to pull myself up.

The nausea we saw so often? It's back again. Every morning for about a week I am waking up puking or dry heaving so hard blood comes up. But what can I do? I barely eat as it is. I just don't have an appetite anymore. When I do eat, I don't enjoy it. Making sure I get enough protein/fiber? Definitely not doing my best.

Work sucks lately and it was my solace where I actually felt like I did good. Now I feel like I'm miserable when I wake up and only feel happy when I can lay down, relax and listen to a podcast/watch a movie, before passing out.

It has been stressful. Running over a kitten. Mom's stroke. Kim's dad passed. His funeral. Car accident. And now a possibly flea problem? I can't take it anymore. I'm not in a good head space right now. As mom so eloquently puts it, I'm going to put myself in an early grave.

How bad am I doing? Well, the above statement makes me think: would that be so bad? I'm exhausted... I'm just so exhausted and I just want to rest.

And all I can think of is calling you and telling you I miss you. All I can think of is turning back the clock to 2015 and having a do-over. Could we have done things differently if I had the knowledge I have now?

I feel so alone and I'm so scared. The next thing to hit me will bring me to my knees. And there's no one coming to lift me off them.

I hope you are doing better than I. That at least one of us is feeling fulfilment. I hope you aren't in this dark hole that I find myself in.

Love,

Letter #6.

Happy New Year! I don't know about you, but 2025 was probably the roughest year since 2023. It's been an emotional roller coaster and I felt so much doubt in myself last year. I accomplished amazing feats we used to dream about.

And now, as the newness of a "new" year is starting to fade and I'm crashing again. One thing I will concede to you is how awful and jaded people as a whole are. 32 swiftly approaches and I find myself more disillusioned than I ever thought I'd be.

As I go into this year, I find myself feeling more bitchy and loud about my feelings than I have in prior years. I don't think of the future anymore, in the sense that I feel like I need to rush to some far off goal. I'm simply living each day, to survive in the moment.

But as I go into this year, I've been missing you so badly. I want to tell you about my mom having a stroke, how terrifying it's all been. I wanted to be able to cry to you when I ran over a kitten. I wanted you to be with me when I go Hades.

I wanted to talk to you about my doubts and share my burdens. I wanted to be able to go to the one person that, not so long ago, I felt understood me most. Yet here we are, a little over two years later.

So here I am, a handful of letters in, to say the words that will never be spoken aloud.

I was so terrified in the last month that I would lose my mom. You know how close we are and it was really difficult. What surprised me was the ability to tune it all out and only focus on what I could physically do at the moment.

The longer I'm single, the more focused I've become on the importance of family. Of surrounding yourself with people who love you. I realize that I have a small circle of connections, that I'm getting closer and closer to the age of losing those important connections. As we speak, Kim's dad is in the hospital and likely won't make it.

I'm scared again that I'll fail. This time at being a homeowner and a dog owner. Hades is exhausting and I wish so badly to be able to catch a break here and there. I try to keep up with him but it gets to be a bit much for me all by myself. And because I turn so much of my focus to him, I barely make time enough to take care of myself, let alone keep up with housework.

And in these moments, I dream of an alternate future where we had it all. I know things cannot change and that decisions impact other larger moments. But I really do dream of days where you'd come home from work or a trip, we'd watch some political commentary or show together, sit on "our" home, fill it with children.. that we'd just be at peace. Even for a moment. I know happiness is a fleeting feeling, not a state of being. Though, five minutes of that happiness would do so much for me right now.

I've hit the "Oh shit, "that's" my baggage" moment. I can't connect with other men. I can't be vulnerable. All it does is hurt me. And even you, who loved me most, still hurt me. Betrayed and in a way, abandoned me. So the idea that I could just go through all of that, but from scratch is unbearable. I don't want to start over. I never wanted to be parted from you. This isn't to stir up the past and I know why I left. At the same time, I just don't know how to let people in like before. There are scars and traps where there used to be hope. I've lost faith in people, in something better. Instead I'm left with a jaded reality and cynicism.

I miss feeling secure. I miss believing. I miss hoping for better. I miss having faith in the world. I always knew I lacked faith in myself, but to lack it in the world around me is a bit of a blow.

Here's to another year of working hard, to the outcomes I already expect, to trying to find my faith again. In summary, to share the good from 2025:

*Got to spend a weekend in Miami

*Bought a house

*Got the German Shepherd I wanted

*Become more social and now initiate conversation with neighbors and strangers

*Paid off my car

*Got recognized and awarded at work

*Got to see my parents for the holidays and finally have a picture of my parents

*Got to put up my first Christmas tree in a long time

*Prayed for a Christmas miracle and it came true

*Improved my skills in Procreate and created my best piece yet (see 1st attached)

And I know your birthday is around the corner. "Happy 38th Birthday, bishcake. I love you" is so easily on the tip of my tongue. I hope this year gives us both what we need. I hope this year finds us happier.

And I hope for myself that I get to a point where I no longer feel compelled to write letters that will never be read, as you move forward in life.

I hope for myself that I find the peace I need to do the same and finally move on and forward.

Love,

Here goes letter #5. I think the hardest part of seeing some of the posts you made post-breakup is seeing the way you talk about cheating and the way you talk about exes, when your responses are so ironic to what you ever expressed to me.

It's really put it into perspective to me how differently the story can unfold as we are living it and perceiving life versus how others perceive how the same events unfolded. The truth was that I loved you dearly. The truth was that I could have been better and tried my best with the circumstances. The truth is that my trust was broken and I knew it was beyond repair. The truth was I felt you were more interested in your relationship with your family than you were in ours because you would tell them things you would never open up to me about.

It's funny to me how easily you were the one to move forward but seemingly posted as if it were me. I've been trying my best to heal, truly. I think within the last couple of months, I hit a realization that while I will always have love for you and a part of me will yearn for what we had, I now feel that this chapter has finally closed enough for me to find peace with where we ended.

Life has been moving forward, one day at a time. I now own a home. I have a dog and two cats. My car has less than $4 grand on it until it's paid off. I'm expecting another raise at work again. Once I hit that I'll be so close to six figures.

I have good days and bad days. I have come to sincerely appreciate being able to do things at my own pace when I want to. I have come to accept some flaws of mine that I understand are a work in progress. I have hit a point where I feel that I am outgrowing therapy or more to the point, my therapist. I find that I'm self aware enough to realize what needs to be fixed and have at least a basis for how to fix it.

I still find myself craving simple intimacy from time to time but I can already see how much I've grown since 2023, since even last year. I no longer find myself completely falling apart after each rejection. It's getting easier to shrug it off and say oh well, not for me.

Stress is still challenging to manage. It's challenging to manage when life is at peace after so many years of chaos but that's a work in progress too. I'd say that's really just been me in a nutshell for two years: a work in progress. I know I need to make changes to be the best person of myself and that's actively what I work towards.

I find myself working through a sense of lack in myself and what I want from life. I can say that I know that I've healed or moved past or whatever term fits the feelings you have when a relationship ends. I find myself not really sure what to say anymore. I just tend to ramble when I write these letters which is a far cry from the sense of yearning from before.

Lately, I've found myself wondering about the universe. How it seems to push people or things in our path, yet yank them away in another breath. You could say "Universe, I love this person. They make me feel so happy" and the next thing you know, you realize the last time you talked to them is the last time you will ever talk to them.

In the last couple of months, I've been having memories of the past flood in from when I was younger. And I keep pushing myself to my weird ideal of perfection and sometimes forget to stop and see how much I've grown. I think even you would be proud of the changes and growth I've made.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel love again for another person. And sometimes I wonder if I'll ever 'fix' my brain. If I'll ever be capable of being firm in my boundaries and if I'll ever be totally comfortable speaking my mind.

I will say to you what I am struggling to say with others in the right way. I miss being loved. I miss being cared for and I miss knowing that if I were to die, there is someone who would be affected that is not my family or friends. I miss having long conversations and I miss knowing that I was the center of someone's world. All these things feel so silly to feel but I can't deny it's there.

I miss love. I miss being loved. It's okay though. I have a lot to be proud of and I'll keep working at myself and everything until I hit a point where it gets easier.

I hope life is continuing to treat you better. I hope you've healed from pain that I caused. I hope this new girl is your real person, that you feel happier than you ever did and that you never hurt her the way I was hurt.

Love,

I want you in my life, despite those feelings and the fact that you'll never, sadly, feel the same. I want you in my life, even if those feelings are causing me pain while you're happy with someone else. I never told you that you made me feel two things I didn't think I'd feel again. Hope that I could actually fall for someone and heartbreak that I thought only my ex was capable of making me feel.

And it's so painful every time you tell me I'll find someone. I'm too awesome or whatever. Because I wanted it to be you.

You've made it painfully clear how little I mean to you though. I've had to remind you when my birthday is 5 times. When I've told you deeply personal things in person or not, you either completely ignore it or you change the subject. You forget things when I tell you multiple times within the span of a few days.

I know I didn't mean anything more to you than someone to warm your bed while you looked for what you actually wanted and someone who was nice, in your life. But, you meant so much to me and now all I'm left with is the pain of the knowledge that I didn't even mean a fraction as much to you.

Wrapped in contradictions of the person

I thought I was

This connection can only worsen

You've left a taste in my mouth so sour

I believed love was something worth fighting and dying for

Now it all feels so clinical

Another "hi" "what's your name"

I want a way out of this game

We left these behaviors another life time ago

Even your smiles that once charmed fill me with woe

I'm never the girl worth choosing, the prize

I'm often just something to warm a bed and pass the time

I'm too kind, too early in my years to be wise

I just long for the day when a man calls me "mine"

Is that too much to ask for after so much bad?

What's even the point to have almost all of what I want?

Letter #5

I'm reminded yet again of how fast life can change and how slow it can move at the same time. Things are moving forward for me, finally. I'm in the process of buying a house. I was so close to a house in Largo but they went with another offer. Womp womp.

I'm finally on anxiety medication which helps keep most of the crazy away. I'm able to get myself into this routine of: something bad happens, get sad about it for a few hours/days, move forward. I slip from time to time but overall I feel far more confident in myself and what I can accomplish than I did: two years ago, one year ago, six months ago...

Then the moments where time moves slowly. This whole process hits me with a sense of sadness, for obvious reasons. I'll have days where I want to tell you something and realize I can't. I'll have days where I realize we could have accomplished this together, despite your warnings we couldn't afford it. It is what it is though.

I've gone through periods with I'm feeling like I'm lacking emotional fulfillment in several areas but I'm proud of my accomplishments. My debt is so close to being paid off. I'm taking, completely debt free in just two years.

I. Did. It.

You have no idea what these roadblocks and milestones have done for me, for my faith and confidence in myself.

There are a few areas I'd really like to focus on, once I'm settled in a home.

I still miss you. I still think about you every other day. It has gotten far easier to do this on my own, to move forward. It's a roller coaster. Some days are easy, some days are not.

The irony of still writing these while you've moved on to a new relationship isn't lost on me. I do feel pain and regret for things I said or didn't, did or didn't do.. But ultimately, I know that this has allowed me to grow in a way that perhaps I never would have.

One day, these letters will be decades old and we'll both have moved on. The only place we existed will be in our memories.

This is letter #4. It may be the last one, it may not. I know that it's been a while, that we're both different people now, because even writing this doesn't hold the same weight in my heart it did before.

I have found myself slipping lately. Back into old or bad habits. It feels like trying to keep a chain on a wheel but it keeps popping off. Sometimes I feel like I make massive break throughs. Somedays I'm surprised I'm still alive and the weight of all the pain crashes down around me.

I've found more or the latter happening lately. I'm still working on it. I have found myself making accommodations to force myself into good habits. If I won't leave my apartment to work out, I'll workout in my apartment. If I won't make healthy food, I can order premade dinners that are. If I absolutely have to do something, I make myself do it. I put on my shoes, I grab my keys, I walk out the door. I budget all the time now. I finally cut down to less than $100 in eating out in a month (I think, have to check the budget again). My life is going well in most aspects. My tarot readings have been startling on point.

I've realized that baby steps are keys to better habits. I'm not perfect, never thought I was, even though I spent so much of our time together convincing myself I had to be.

I've tried to move on in other relationships, and discovered new pains I didn't think I would. I'm becoming more handy with putting things together.

I think this may be one of the lowest lows I've had since the break up, to be honest. But I keep moving forward, as painful as it is. I will say that as bad a spot I feel I'm in, I'm ten times stronger than I was almost two years ago.

I know that you have also moved on. I have my own insecurities I'm working to address and coming to terms with accepting that I can't have been your person. You told me the weight was an issue with our sex life, but you're dating someone now that is larger than me (and I don't mean that as a criticism towards her).

At moments like this, I admittedly crave what we had at its best. The intellectual conversations, the easy moments of feeling understood, the love and respect.

But I've also come to accept my lot in life. I will likely not find someone willing to take it all the way, further than even you would commit. I will likely not have children. It's okay, though. Like I said in the first letter, we have to be able to let go of old dreams and make way for new ones.

I've been circling this thought for a long time, too. If I took away those things I dreamed of, what else do I want out of life? The answer still remains a resounding "I don't know." I'm starting to realize that's okay too. I recently got to spend a weekend in Miami and I let myself realize/accept that it's okay that I don't know, that I'm not building towards perfection but that's okay as long as I do something. Anything at all. As long as I keep moving forward.

I may feel broken but I understand that I am whole as I am. I may want to fix things in my life or about myself, but that doesn't take away my value. Things may hurt right now, but it just means the next low will be higher than the previous. I may not be perfect, but that's okay and is in fact, the same as everyone else.

Voices may still scream in my head 24/7 all the worst things that the people I love could say, but one day at a time it is getting easier to just close the damn door. To say that it doesn't matter what people are saying behind the door.

I may be in pain right now. One day I'll look back, though, and realize the mountain that I have scaled. Maybe finding love, having kids and starting a family wasn't ever the goal for me in this life. Maybe the goal was to just love myself, find my own family, and to unconditionally love the kids that are in my life.

Maybe the goal for me was to learn to put myself first.

I won't deny that all of those are hard. I don't deny that I feel so shattered inside right now that I can almost hear my inner self screaming. I won't deny that I truly don't feel okay right now, no matter how much I tell myself I am.

But as I've said, it's okay to not be okay.

I truly hope that you have found your bliss. And if you haven't, that you do. I hope that you have healed. I hope that life continues to offer you blessings. And I hope that if I ever see you again, I hope to find you happy.

And, God, my heart is officially broken.

How many more times will I offer up so much of myself, emptied until not even the dust of my remains is left?

How many more times will I say "yes" with a smile when I'm screaming inside?

How unlovable and unattractive do I have to be to only ever be seen as an option?

I can see the sun in my soul, but like the beautiful scaled fish I read about as a kid, I keep giving away that beauty with nothing to be returned.

I want to love someone entirely, but no one ever loves me entirely in return. I'm left with doubts and questions, longing and despair.

Have faith is the chant echoing in my ears on the wave of newfound hopelessness

I, like the ocean, pull away the waves of intensity

Smile to the world as if it's all okay

Waiting for the next moment when I can let it all wash back to the shore and give back all the pain the world has shown me

But each time, I show restraint and pull back further

I add to an ever growing emotional debt that lashes against my own heart

I know a storm is on the horizon but I live in a perpetual storm of my heart's own making and no one the wiser

I will be entombed in my own tsunami, the chaos of my own heartbreak as my only company

I scream for an escape, drowning again and again

With no anchor or lighthouse in sight, only brief pauses of moonlight to catch my breath

I have drowned in my own sunlight, that which I reflect on others while dimming that light in myself

I have personified death in a living, breathing person with a broken but beating heart.

I have emptied myself in the hope of being loved by another even more vibrant and compassionate, only to realize:

Had I given myself a modicum of that respect, love, passion and drive that I feed to others, I would have broken that glass door

Letting that storm emerge and drowning that which kept me down, instead of suffering in silence with consideration for others

Every day, I smile a little brighter

You're still in my heart, but it lightens with familiar fondness instead of aching regret

Every day, I feel a little lighter

I still carry you with me as I grow even further

Every day, I find myself able to care a little more for someone new

Yet so often, I ponder what could have been

Every day I learn to move on,

Every day I learn to let it all - good or bad - go

This year, I let you go entirely

This year, I turn my focus to finding happiness without you

I miss you

I wish things were different

I wanted forever with you

Letter #3

Getting a message that you almost had your life taken by your psycho brother-in-law right before a hurricane hit was...alarming to say the least. I'm obviously glad you're okay.

Having him reach out apologetic to me and spinning one story to hear another from you where he was talking shit about to present day was, well not unexpected I guess.

Times like this I think of all the times people think I'm not observant or don't pick up on things. Then I remember all the times I haven't liked someone or had a bad feeling about them and was right. I called it years ago that, that mother fucker was bad news.

I don't know why it stung to see the message about him being the one to pull the strings all along but it did. Because I told you this, almost a year ago. I tried to tell you a year ago that what he told you was wrong, that he didn't tell you because he cared. He tore apart our relationship and you chose him.

I was told that's what family does. I was more family to you than he ever was but my word wasn't enough. You let the words of a narcissist color your belief and let that be fuel for you to drive the nail in the coffin of our relationship, instead of doing the one thing I ever wanted you to do: be vulnerable with me.

When I noticed you made posts about how the loyal one stays single and the unloyal one jumps into a new one right away, I couldn't help but be struck by the irony after being told that you were dating a girl 10 years MY junior that is a stripper. After being told it's this toxic on again off again relationship.

Meanwhile, here I am, having beaten myself up over finding physical solace with other guys. Stopping that and then deciding, as part of my 'heal a little more every day,' to actually try dating. It confuses me, it scares the hell out of me. To have feelings for someone like I did for you, to ever be able to say that dreaded 'l' word again.

It's hard that you check in on me and I immediately fall into such an easy routine of communicating with you only for you to stop it by reading the message and refusing to respond. I know why.. but still, it's hard.

And what am I supposed to say? You told me that YOU wanted to move forward, that you were ready to.

I know a lot of things could have gone differently. I know I've thought of a million different what-if scenarios where we didn't end up like this. But we did.

Maybe I'm just struggling a little more lately because a day that once meant everything is now another day to me. Maybe it's hard because I miss the depth of what we had. Maybe it's because I'm scared of this new thing I'm starting with someone, scared of it ending worse than we did. And I loved you with my whole fucking heart and soul and I'm terrified to feel that feeling with someone that isn't you.

It's getting easier to accept the idea of being alone but it does hurt like fucking hell from time to time. The idea that grief is a ball with a button is such an apt analogy because today, it feels like someone has been playing 'hit the button over with that ball for a week now.'

It'll get easier, I know it will. One day at a time. Breathe and just accept things as they come.

Today it all comes rushing in

Tomorrow I hope it all flows out..

One day at a time

Letter #2 in the unknown amount of letters I'll write in the healing process.

My luck with vehicles isn't the greatest. In my move to Clearwater, the day was not great. I was flustered in the morning, hadn't slept well the night before, and ended up popping my tire. Got frustrated because I couldn't get my jack to cooperate. Despite this (and after a much needed Busbar) I was able to regain my composure and take care of what needed to be done in the following two days.

It occurred to me that in all our time together, we moved around over a dozen times. It's now been.. what, 16 times I've moved since I graduated high school? The funny part is that I still haven't learned to pack properly.

I'm getting settled in the new place. And now I'm feeling pangs of pain and wounds reopened as I fully let it sink in and see all the places where only years ago, we were there together. The somber realization of how much can change in time.

Despite the pain, I'm letting myself feel it for a moment and then putting it in a box. I know that you have moved on, I'm trying to do the same. Keyword, trying.

Even though I find myself afraid to do so many things alone, I'm forcing myself to do it anyway. No one is there to catch me or (help) do it for me. Maybe it's not much to the world to be proud of, but I am proud of myself for facing new fears every day.

I tried, in vain, to set up my bed by myself before having to get help but I got through a good portion until one stupid - had to have been Ikea - piece got me stuck.

I'm taking care of my health a little more every day. The good news is that the vomiting blood thing stems from digestive issues and not anything else we always theorized it to be. And with the help of some anti anxiety meds, I can treat the worst of my problems without the oh so lovely side effects of SSRIs. I found a few good shops nearby to get groceries and make healthier food decisions. There's a gym in the complex I plan to take full advantage of.

I even cut back on the whole stoner thing. It was fun for a bit, it made me sleep like a baby and in some ways helped me feel calm. But the never ending brain fog and anxiety caused by feeling like I wasn't in control became too much. I still do occasionally but nowhere near as much as I used to.

I've hit the realization that I'm actually okay with being alone. I have Enoch (little demon cat that he is), a decent car, a good job, a nice apartment, and good friends. And that is already enough. I've worked on healing the relationship with my family even more.

I miss the intimacy of our relationship, the physical and emotional aspect, the connection. All of that stuff, yes. Of course. But.. I'm okay? I've recognized that while these things are wonderful, I (as so many others) know I can survive without it.

One day at a time, I'm learning to live with the hurt and accept:

It's okay to still love and miss you

It's okay to feel angry about the situation

It's okay to wish things had been different

It's okay that I have times where I break down sobbing

It's okay that there are days when I need help

It's okay to feel conflicted

It's okay that my feelings don't always make sense

It's okay to not always be okay

And it's okay to accept that while I didn't want things to end up like this, it's okay to move forward without you.

You are clearly moving forward and I'm trying so hard to make myself do the same thing.