I signed the lease on 4/26 and Em and I moved in two days later. Rowan will stay every other week like he did with mom. Noah flies in tomorrow for her memorial on Friday, her birthday. Ive been trying to get everything ready and unpacked for Noah and mom’s best friend who’ll be staying with us. And to finish planning moms memorial. I need to finish the playlist and my speech and gathering all the trinkets and photos. I picked out the flowers and table settings, made the posts and invited everyone I could think of, paid for the venue. I’m exhausted, I’m overwhelmed and sad and numb and I haven’t been as low as I am since mom passed in August. I thought I would feel relieved and free after moving, I do in some way but I feel like I’m buried at the bottom of the ocean and it’s so heavy over me. I don’t understand. I hope when May is over and I finish cleaning the fire soot off all her things it’ll all start to feel lighter. Grandpa will come help me plant a veggie garden and I’ll start my herb garden and the flower beds in June. Em is happy and Rowan is happy and Noah is onto bigger better things. So I guess everything is good. They finished her headstone a few weeks after my birthday and it’s nice, just how I designed it and how I hope she would’ve wanted. I wish she was here to see how much the kids have grown. All of it makes me so angry. But I find her in music, in my guitar and the sun and moon and ocean. Bees and dragonflies and the lamps we made. This house reminds me of our old one growing up and I will make her a space in it. Put up her wind chimes and plant wildflowers so the honeybees will come. Everything is heavy. I know it won’t be forever, it’s just almost too much now