-K.N.B.

All I found were empty shells

That no longer held their ocean songs.

Then he came along,

Singing sweet melodies of summer time.

His leaves looked the same

As every other tree’s I’d ever seen,

Until I held one in my hands.

I had never planned.

I thought ours would be

Another moment lost in the sand

On my shores.

Not sure of what I wanted anymore.

I told myself I wouldn’t overthink.

We’d have our fun,

Have some drinks,

You’d be gone

Within the week,

But you stayed.

Rearranging the messes I’d made.

My self-destructive tendencies on full display

Never scared you away.

Even in the silences

Your heart always knew

All the right words to say

Because he said it wasn’t a big deal,

So it wasn’t.

But it was.

I built my walls up high enough around myself

That I couldn’t see out.

I didn’t want to see anything anymore.

I didn’t want to exist with the demons

Inside me.

But I kept breathing for those that were still

Living around me.

The choices I wanted to make

Wouldn’t have been the end for just me.

I couldn’t shift my weakness onto another.

So I waited and hoped that something

Would change.

I changed

Though I’ve learned to live through

The things I couldn’t change

Those images find me at my weakest

But it’s not the same.

I’m not the same.

I’ve learned to rearrange myself

Around the pain

Instead of playing towards an ending

To this game that isn’t mine to end.

Until you caught me

You breathe the calm of the trees into me like a warm summer breeze

And please promise me you’ll never leave.

As they swell and break in my heart.

Knowing without knowing anything,

Every thought pulling me back to the start.

Maybe we are meant to be.

Endless possibilities tearing me apart

And you ask me if it’s worth it,

Will I be content with what he’ll impart?

A lifetime without truly knowing

Yet you’ll always hold a piece of my heart.

When you held out your hand,

To brush the tips of my fingers against

The whisper of happily ever after you held in your palm.

They were in it.

Living in the misconception

That if I loved them louder

Than they yelled

They would one day be compelled

To hold me softer.

With every confession

Came further disconnection

That I couldn’t comprehend.

I just wanted the nightmares to end

And the dreams to begin.

But I was stuck in a never ending hallucination

Labeling it as love but my heart was mistaken.

Spent a week in Arizona. It was gorgeous but I’m glad to be surrounded by evergreens again 🌲🤍

It all comes rushing in

And I can’t contain it.

Feeling so empty

Yet overflowing

Like I’m not moving

Yet I’m running like hell.

I don’t know how to explain it

Because it doesn’t even make sense.

Something in my mind just falls apart

And I don’t know how to fix it

Because I can’t find all the pieces

And I don’t remember how to

Reassemble me.

I think of you less

And I’m finally finding peace

In the emptiness

You left.

Some days are filled with rain

Some nights a canopy of stars.

There are up and downs,

Twists and turns,

And my heart stumbles

Blindly through the dark.

Well, considering my current partner is my “dream partner”, I guess I could take this moment to gush about him. He’s sweet, goes out of his way to help others, unbelievably patient with me, intelligent; strives to learn new things and constantly teaches me new things, he understands me better than anyone ever has and things he doesn’t understand about me he makes an effort to, amazing at communication, he can always make me laugh, he’s supportive of everything I do. I could probably go on and on forever with this because I’ve never been as happy in love or in life as I am now. I appreciate everything about him and how he has helped me become a better version of myself over the years.