The...

Heart pounding, hands trembling, knees shaking, peripheries cold, brain jammed, vision blurry - everything felt weird as I walked down the auditorium as an MBBS graduate. It was scary - 5.5 years of comfort of medical school coming to an end. To think you’ve done and gone through so much in these years and finally tomorrow onwards there’s no reason for you to come back there! An eerie feeling of being lonely as everyone walks off on their own paths in life, some whose paths may cross and others whose would never again in your life.

Question - is everyone going through the same thing as I am? Is this stomach churning feeling present for everyone or just me? Aren’t the others scared and upset and happy at the same point? As I held my sheet of paper that mentions that I am a certified doctor now gave me butterflies and a very subtle tear - this journey was a long one. I’ve had some amazing memories and some to forget. But all this is secondary - what matters now is what I’m going to do after this. Am I capable enough to go out into the world and efficiently treat patients while maintaining my own sanity and peace of mind? Fuck yes. Because I am me. If there is anyone capable enough of handling all this pressure coming at them, it’s gotta be me. Because I am the best.

Then what are you scared of? Well, this empty feeling that has hit right now - who knows if I’ll find a bunch crazy enough to fill this emptiness ever. Do I want to let go of them? No. Do I have control over it? No. This empty feeling is the worst ever - It’s not sadness but the lack of happyness. Sadness can be treated with a dose of it’s exact opposite. Emptyness cannot - it is like a black hole which requires it’s own time to evaporate and dissipate. Until then, it just engulfs you - all you have to do is hold on until it does so.

Have you ever had that total mind-fuck moment - when you are living a certain scene of your life and you suddenly realize that you have lived the EXACT SAME THING before!? Yes we do have a term for that – Déjà vu. But there is just so much more to this word than what meets the eye. Lately, I have had dreams much before they happen in reality, and I realize only at the end of it all, that it has already been “staged” in my mind – leaving me in a what-the-fuck-just-happened state. I mean, seriously! I’m pretty sure you would have experienced the same thing at some point of time in your life. And then you wonder to yourself – how did this happen? How can you see the future? Can your brain see the future? If yes, why not when you’re conscious? And, how does the brain see the future?

I decided to not probe into any sources before presenting my take on this entire thing – just to keep myself open to all possibilities.

As you read through, keep one thought in mind – we are all made up of atoms that probably have been in billions of other universes before finally becoming a part of us. What if these atoms somehow configured themselves to become “memory molecules”? These memocules probably have a brain of their own - in their charges, in their quarks. The law of energy conservation could then be applied to memory also – maybe all that you memorize is just stored as a specific configuration – waiting to either be changed. How? You die, your remains are inevitably to become part of the environment and from there, and they are bound to end up in someone else’s mind. As this “someone else” stores your memocules in them, they can use them to create their own memory (Or rather better said, transform yours into theirs). But what if they didn’t use that memocule for themselves? And what if the person subconsciously retrieves what is stored in this memory molecule? They see your memories. They see what you have seen. They hear what you have said. They see what you have done. And then, their misconception – they proclaim they have seen what their previous life was like when in fact, it was yours. Crazy right?

But how do you see the future then? Well, What if whatever we are doing is just continuous loop that starts from the big bang and ends at the big crunch and starts back with the bang? What if all the actions we do have already been done thousands of times before? What if the dinosaurs came into existence and then vanished - thousands of times, over and over? After all, these are just memocules – they do whatever they know and have been doing all these “generations”. So, maybe my memocule that has typed this article before has decided to do it again. Who knows? So if that’s true, when you’re sleeping, there’s a possibility that these memocules show you what have happened in the previous multiverse – and that the same thing happens again as it is the memocules that actually cause the event to happen too! Think of it as a con artist who predicts the future of a biscuit saying that it’s going to vanish into his pocket – and then puts it in his pocket without anybody noticing!

  Another thought that came into my mind was what one of the most genius thinkers of our times Christopher Nolan came up with – a virtual world. Something like the internet – but more sophisticated. This virtual world is an extremely large web of interlinked souls. Now human souls are an interesting thing. Although nobody can prove their existence or non-existence, it’s still an intimate part of anyone’s life at some point of time or other. These souls, we don’t know what they are made up of – nobody knows. But, when it is time to question it, one usually would link the soul to emotions. Emotions are nothing but memories – memories blurred so much that you can remember nothing but the feel of it. You don’t remember why you first smiled or cried (Figuratively speaking) but you know what the emotion itself feels like to you. We slowly “learn” our emotions and blur out the events they are associated with. So, ultimately, it comes down to the fact that something that we denote to be a soul is actually a massive storehouse of all our memories. And when we sleep, our subconscious connects to the inner soul.

Now comes the fun part – link the two above theories into one. Imagine a soul that is made up of memocules and resides within ourselves. This soul connects us to a spirit world – a world where all the souls connect, and see each other’s memories. Maybe when you have a bad dream – that could have been a reality for someone else. Maybe the dinosaur you fought in the dream was an unaltered memocule from billions of years or multiverses ago. Maybe the weird looking alien is actually the love of another alien far far away and from a long time ago. And sometimes, coincidentally, no matter how small the probability, maybe the soul looked into a memocule of your own – and you see what is in store for you, and don’t forget it has all, already happened before.

Yes, I know this day stands for support of the LGBTQ+ community. BUT, I thought to myself - why not just have this day as a day to reveal everything about yourself? National coming out day. Haha. Okay, I’ll start off by tagging myself as a foul minded creature then. xD Anywhoo, well. Since nobody reads this, I guess I can be open to myself here. Yeah, I am socially awkward. Social quotient = 0. Most probably because I lost my faith in maintaining relationships from what I’ve seen all my life (Not much, but enough). I’ve tried doing it - getting close to at least one person in my life. Fail. Most probably because I’m lazy. With an interest span of a six year old. And, somehow, my face scares the living trust outta people. :P Laziness, I’d get a masters in it if there was one. But, I’d give anything to not be so (Ironic, yes). Jumble time. Girls - there were two I remember being crazy about. I love to give my time to everything I deem important. Most probably why I don’t excel at anything :’) But I don’t give. Yes, the amount of fucks in my savings account turned zero last year. Those two were not perfect at all. But, you know, there was something about them. I’m not a materialistic guy. Don’t get me wrong, I like stuff. My emotions are all packed and guttered into the deepest corners of my mind. They were hard to get, but eventually when they finally sparked back, my interest quotient gave in. I’d be happy even if I didn’t have any of the stuff. My happyness doesn’t depend on them. I channel all those emotions out through my writing, through jumping. My happyness lies in that little emotional aura around people. I’d love to tell both of them all this, but I just don’t have the guts to do so. That would explain why I have nightmares - the emotions reflecting off from the inside. A smile of a new born is much more satisfying than a brand new ps4. Heck, those two were the only ones who trusted me. I may not excel at any, but having enough experience in everything is more important to me. I once dreamt of an eight year old slicing the head off of a man with a throwing axe - yes, I wrote about that dream in one of my posts. If their trust was the only I got and that I broke - I don’t think I deserved the trust of any other - mostly because I don’t value it. 

She said I was emotionally unstable and immature, I guess she’s right. But I’m happy here - in this small room with no one around. I don’t need others for my happyness, yes. But that doesn’t mean I shall not give others the same. That is one source of my happyness too and I’m running short of that feeling. Frequent IMS surges are another one of my problems. And well, I live with it. 

No one is what they claim to be. No one is what they're to you.

Everyone is a two faced bastard of a coin. The worst part - the greater part of their character rots on that ugly side of the coin.

For a simpleton, a non-judgmental person, it pricks you straight to the heart when you find out that the sweet little person you thought you knew is not really, well, that. Just beautiful icing on a shit cake. 

I am two faced too. Agreed. But if you ask me to look down on my past to the times I've brought my ugly side out - I'd happily and with a lot of pride, show you the middle finger. For I have no instances. For everytime I have "bitched" about(In this case, made fun of) a person, it has been on their faces. Not because I'm not scared of them. Just because I think it's a pussy thing to do it behind their backs - shows that you're the envious bitch of the two. Also because I didn't want them to judge me after hearing about it from my so-called "well-wishers". And you just cannot ignore about how much of a difference it makes. 

So what am I getting at? Just a little shout out to all those simpletons out there - don't be. Be that fucking judgmental bastard everyone despises, everyone denies to be, but are. Trust me, they all have ugly sides and you NEED to know about it. Yes, you will have wrong judge of character a few times, but in the long run, you won't be mistaken. You won't be heartbroken. 

P.S. - To the society - And then you wonder why some people are such disparaging bastards. You made them. You crushed that little simpleton with all your backbiting, all you two faced (for namesake) humans. For the love of god - Be yourself! It's perfectly fucking fine if you don't get to sail in everyone's boat! Why the fuck do you have to change yourself according to people!? Is your image of yourself so bloody low!?

I fucking beg you - melt that fucking coin. Be you. 

Then, it occurs to me. These people at the signal - they're the same as I am. I may be that little grain of sand on the beach. But there are grains around me that are in the same boat as I. I realized, I don't want to be famous to be known by people with whom I will have a mutual "no fucks given" attitude. These people aren't the ones I want in my life. Nobody's got the time for everybody. That's how it is. You have to choose who you want to give your time for, who you give a part of your life for - the laptop which probably wont last more than 10 years, or your people, who will stay by you until their last breaths. These prodigies I was thinking about, nobody knows where they're right now. Nobody cares. It's all a matter of months or years. You shine for sometime, and then you fade off and shinier stuff emerges and you're forgotten. Doesn't sound that much fun, does it? 

She hid behind the small barrier of rocks, previously which was used as the stables for the cows, as her colleagues thundered across the ruins with slaughter knives. Her face went as blue as the eyes of death, as she saw a 60 year old man's face get split into two halves from a strong swing of the butcher's knife by her people. Blood spattered over the remains of the walls of the once beautiful and what she called, home. Cries of little children could be heard in the vicinity as they were witnessing the horrific murder of their loved ones in the most brutal and inhumane manner. Time froze and reversed and she could see herself running away from the corpses of the ones she knew she was dependent upon. She could see the begging eyes of the corpses - they didn't want her to go. Or stay. With a heavy heart, she escaped. She knew this wasn't the end, and that there were years to come, or maybe never, for the day she would be free from the claws of this ruthless devil. There was something about this devil - unseen, worshiped by many, regretted by more. This devil was given power by the very ones who later repented it. This devil crushed those who even tried to demean and overthrow it. She was afraid of this devil. Everyone was. Even those who accepted it. This devil was the reason she knew the bloody war was bound to happen. Again. And now here she was, 30 years later, in the same ruins, this time with a weapon in her hand, but an agony in her heart. She didn't have the power to stop this. She knew no individual did. She knew she cannot escape this. No one can.

Unless.

Somewhere, in the land of nowhere,

There was she and there was me-

Flying together with glee, were we.

Eyes full o’ sunshine,

laugh filled with joy,

I wish the day hadn't end,

but it’s obvious, my boy.

The bell rang, and dispersed the class,

well, so did my dream-like a shattered glass.

She walked past me, and the world stood still.

The face of an angel, a smile from heaven.

She was my staircase, to wherever I’d be.

I looked up, then looked away,

my eyes yet nailed.

She didn't glance,

and this heart melted.

There was no chance,

I was nobody, and she was a fame.

But, somewhere in the corner,

I stole one more sight,

Our eyes met, and the world dimmed like night.

We couldn't hold on, and neither could it,

The light beamed across our faces

As we looked away.

I rolled back into my thoughts...