You know whats absolutely insane? I have absolutely free will right now. I am unemployed, my house is going through a full renovation, I am single, and I am blessed with enough money to take some time to figure it out. I literally have the ability and the time to make any decision I want right now and yet here I am. Three weeks in and have fallen into a routine of contractors, chain smoke, call of duty, drink, sleep repeat. Thats a crazy waste of all that free will.
Just three weeks ago I would have said I never have time, but I have money. Now I have all of the time in the world and enough money with nothing to show but a few bags for the goodwill and angry lungs.
I heard we jumped timelines again and I wholeheartedly believe that. I am not sure I'll like this new timeline any better but it feels different. I will say I am starting to come to terms with the fact that it was never about time, it was never about money, it was never about the circumstances. I think we all know where I am going with this, "Hi, its me, I am the problem its me."...
And I think Ive known that. Well I have known that for a while but I didnt hear it the same way I am hearing it right now. Just last night I was telling myself I am the problem. Just last night I went through old spirals. What if I died? What if I got hurt? What if? What is the point? The idealation, the begging, the misunderstandings, the conditionalities. Blahblahblahblah. It kept me up all night.
I believe the timeline jumped. I woke up this morning and fought back against old patterns. I woke up and finally started to understand what free will is. Free will is choosing me.
So now we are sitting on a rock. Moderately concerned were lost in the forest and its about to rain. But you know what. I touched grass or something and feel just a little bit better.
