something there.

Mom, oh my god, chill. you’re embarrassing me.

First of all, calm down that was sarcasm. Second of all, it’s my job to  embarrass you, haven’t you figured it out by now?

You know what I love? Brownies. Question is: why don’t they love me?

Because the world hates us and wants us to suffer, it’s a terrible curse.

‘ it turns out if you spend your whole day off reading, your brain literally feels like mush after 5 straight hours. –ANYWAYS! how’s everyone elses’ week going? ’

why do i decide not to make friends? going to clubs by myself is starting to get quite boring. god i miss paris..

I don’t think it’s that you decided to not make friends, I think everyone just remembers what a dick you used to be and no longer wants to talk to you but because I don’t hold onto dumb grudges, next time you need someone to go to a club with you, I’ll be happy to tag along.

“Saw some old pictures of my feline child Lord Tubbington and it made me sad. I knew the cat-mob would find him sooner or later. Two girls one cat will never be the same.”

“Please, I’m shocked the thing didn’t die sooner because I sure as hell would be trying to end it if I had to sit through more than one Fondue for Two. So trust me, I’m sure he’s in a much better place.”

“…’m sorry.”

“it’s fine, let’s just keep existential crisis hour from five to six so you don’t actually lose your mind before lunch.”

”When you think about it, from the second we’re born, we start dying. So this isn’t really life, this is death.”

“Listen short stack, it’s too early for you to start trying to give me an existential crisis.”

”Why is it so hard for these kids to do a back handspring? Like, I was doing these since I was in diapers.”

“I’m having the same problem just with dancing. I mean you’d think they would know the basics already but no, it’s like kiddie camp,”

“the commericals always make baking with kids look so easy, but why is it that i always find myself hosing brownie batter off of my three year old?”

“I never thought about that but that’s so true. If it’s not the kids making the mess it’s be and either way we all have to be hosed down in the end. Maybe they just need to add a warning on commercials that results may end in a hosing.”