PTSD Paradise

today started off fucking horrible and its become a day of good luck for me :3

i aint gonna lie these medical issues are really destroying my body and i fear it is just going to get worse while i continue to be turned away and brushed off by every medical professional

being 110 pounds and 5'6 has made my ability to thermorgulate ZERO

need to make more freaked out kinky furry lesbo ocs

MAN i missed looking at yuri

after all these years of fruitless effort,,,, my brother has finally given into furryism,,,

i always end up cold turkeying on weed, and of course, my body and mind react and are forced to adapt to a sudden change. it sucks for a couple weeks, i lose control of my emotions easily and blow up over tiny things. i scream a lot, i cry over things that dont make sense, im agitated. but my appetite comes back, my stomach starts to settle again. my emotions go back to baseline and i reenter reality. i break out of the mental and physical complacency that weed imposes on me. i attempted to quit nicotine cold turkey once and physically could not commit solely due to the agonizing physical pain. i know better this time around, i know tapering and restricting is my safest and most direct route to quitting completely. alcohol has just fallen out of my interest, ive been blackout too many times to find comfort in that kind of physical distress. i dont dabble in any hard drugs or psychedelics anymore, and i have no real interest in trying anything new or picking up something from my past. i feel that i have truly grown beyond the things that led me to find comfort in substances. i dont long to get high, to get a buzz anymore. i long to spend my time doing things i will remember, things that make me happy. i long to find the mindset i had as a kid, before drugs became my sole coping mechanism. im starting to come back to her, that little girl that lives in my head. the one i used to be. i want to make her happy now, i dont want to keep killing her. i want her to come back, to realize its safe and nobody will hurt her, including me. i dont hate myself anymore. i just want to be happy. i realize she can be real again, i CAN be happy. i can come back to the memory of myself and find i am simply looking in the mirror. i know i can.

unintentionally getting close to completely sober. started buying the 2.4% vuse pods instead of the 5% ones, barely hit my vape now that im not in a psychosis inducing household. not even like im trying to hit it less, i just think about it and do it less. havent smoked weed in 3 straight days without even meaning to (i have been high all day every day for the past year, since i got sober last summer then wasnt sober anymore a couple months later). last time i drank alcohol was at my graduation, nearly a month ago.

ughghh theres literally too much happening

i should just move back in with my mom while i try to sort out a job and housing and my medical issues. it wont be forever. but i need a break. i really just need a break from all this. staying in arcata is not worth what im being put through. i love this place but i cant live like this. i need to regain my strength and focus, that is quite literally impossible in this house and in this county.

i used to fall asleep to the sounds of crickets and frogs, the wind in the trees, the animals at night. now im forced to listen to my own heartbeat and breathing with ear plugs crammed half way down my ear canal just to block out the sounds of my roommates speaker all night. life has become so disappointing and devoid of simple pleasures.

my quality of life has completely deteriorated. i need to get out of this house.

girl i just want to be happy and instead im dying like 😭

can my life get worse? obviously. will my life get worse? definitely.

yessss girl!!! pissing blood IS. a symptom of anxiety 🤩