I guess moments like these remind me of how serious Jikookβs situation is and help me realize and remember, always, respectfully, that behind the joy and the reposts, and the fan theories and the shows, there is a bit of tragedy. Just a tiny, tiny bit of melancholy, thatβs been lingering and will linger until theyβll feel totally free.
In no regular friendship or situation youβd ever have to control yourself from hugging, touching, resting on the other. And, overall, in no loving bond, you should ever be forced to hold that back. But it happens, and it has been happening for years, as we know.
And of course it depends on context - a stage is different from a travel show, for example, where weβve seen them being a bit more open. This moment above does not determine neither that Jikookβs bond has changed nor that they feel more or less free, it does not put an unshakable spell on their destiny.
Their situation requires them to accommodate their relationship differently based on where and how exposed they are and feel, and holding back from touching does not mean things are doing better or worse; they touched throughout the entire concert anyways.
It just represents, to me, that some patterns are still there, and that we - I, letβs say, need to take a step back when it comes to it all, because while the focus on my end is supporting and fangirling, I feel like it is also acknowledging.
Acknowledging that Jikook have been trying, for a decade, to show more, and open up more, and give hints and signs, and it all might just be bullshit I hallucinated, but I wonβt risk ignoring it.
Acknowledging that there are no such things as βlouder phasesβ, or βlouder yearsβ. Itβs been a lifetime of trying to reach out to people and trying to make them see what they canβt show.
Acknowledging that Iβm proud of them. Iβm incredibly, deeply, sincerely proud of who theyβve become. Of Jiminβs long hair, of Jungkookβs tattoos, of the way they speak, the way they have overcome so many battles, the way they prioritize each other. The way they protect, defend, and claim each other.
Iβm proud of how theyβve adjusted, step by step, year by year, on a flow that respects their timing, and fears, and needs, with love as the only goal. Iβm proud of their resilience, and collapses, and getting back on their feet. Iβm proud of their journey.
Of all they share, all they do, of how theyβve claimed their relationship with a show thatβs only theirs. With saying βitβs better when itβs just you and Iβ. I donβt give it for granted, because these are all huge signs of braveness and healing, brick by brick.
But still, this was a good reminder, once again, of how deep Jikookβs bond is and how delicate their story is. How delicate their situation is very likely to be, beyond twitter threads or fan wars. Beyond all the noise, itβs very likely that a wounded human story exists, and itβs made of moments like these.
Of hiding in bathrooms, of interrupting v-lives, of feeling scared if someone catches you taking a picture, or laying close on a chair. Of challenges, Iβd say, to keep it respectful as the stranger that I am.
Because we mention the beauty of what they have going on so much, and I always will, Iβll never stop. It deserves to be praised loudly, louder and louder and louder. But, I hope, without getting too used to the fact that itβs not fully bloomed.
Maybe because they donβt want to, even if society allowed them to; maybe because they donβt feel the need; maybe because they have other plans in the near future.
All I want to say is that if even for a small, small instant, Jimin and Jungkook have felt like they were wounded, trapped, or oppressed, itβs that instant the one I donβt wanna forget. The one I wanna give recognition to. Because their lives go on as they always have, but if Jungkook feels even the tiniest bit of discomfort when he has to walk away from Jimin, squeezing his shoulder before he goes, then I wanna acknowledge it and say that Iβm sorry, I see it, and I pray for different times only if they want it too.
Just so that βhidden relationship in an homophobic countryβ does not become an automatic expression that loses intensity. Just so we can always remember that behind, or maybe at the base, of this support, love, cherishing, there is a bit of unfairness. A layer of injustice that needs to be spoken and that we shouldnβt get used to.
I had the same thoughts over Jungkookβs reaction to a coming out at an Harry Styles concert, I just couldnβt find the words to express it properly back then. The way he nodded when Harry asked βdo you feel good?β, the way Tae put his hand on JKβs head, with the true gentleness of a friend, and, above all, the way Jungkook shrugged his shoulders that justβ¦touches my heart.
Itβs like he was hugging himself.
Because maybe this is all a bunch of nothing. And a lot of people will think it is as they do with 90 percent of the stuff I share.
But, as I always say, Iβd rather be wrong, delusional, unrational, then find out that a queer couple was struggling and asking for recognition the entire time and I simply ignored it. I wouldnβt be able to bear the weight.
Iβd rather come on here and say that Iβm sorry Jimin felt like he had to step back, and that Jungkook sighed when someone came out, and that he cheered for them as loud as he could from his mask and hoodie, and shrugged his shoulders in a way that I canβt quite talk about because it aches.
And Iβm sorry that they had to hide in bathrooms or pretend on so, so, so many occasions that we all know about. Iβd rather say that I see it, and I love them. And that if there is really something to set freeβ¦
then I hope they will, when theyβre ready, if theyβll ever want it. Iβll be right here.
