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Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@kitatonia-blog
me knowing i have no place in having such immense sympathy and emotion for women loving women because i’m a dude, and it comes across so fucking Weird. but still loving them so dearly for finding peace in love with one another, and feeling hurt in solidarity with every single woman who hasn’t found that yet...... yeah
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I — I who exist. There’s a voluptuousness in being someone. I am no longer silence.
A Breath of Life (Um sopro de vida), Clarice Lispector (via salemwitchtrials)
maybe its because i havent eaten in 12 hours or another depressive episode is Here but ive been suddenly smacked with the feeling my life isn’t meant to be lived and its a weird feeling but decidedly bad
i think a lot about how growing up in a conservative, traditional (and conservative catholic as well) asian family affected me in that i was shoved directly into a mould for what they expected a perfect woman to be, brutally berated when i didn’t fit what i was supposed to. and how i can’t even let go of some of the stuff i’ve been put through like that even if I want to and continue living my life pretending i’ve been a cis male all along. the brutality of confucian ideals, conservative politics, and typical vietnamese patriarchy stirred the exact wrong way in the exact wrong environment turns into the most toxic shit you can feed young children, particularly young girls, just trying to live their lives.
there’s so many young vietnamese women in my family suffering now, having had their femininity used against them, being taught that their emotions didn’t matter and that their anger and their fear and sadness was irrational and weak. indirectly they were shamed for being women, and then further shamed for not being exactly that. they’ve been driven into the deep end and suffer mental health issues directly pushed onto them by a family culture that doesn’t even acknowledge that it is responsible for the consequences it created, and one that furthermore doesn’t acknowledge mental health issues at all.
i’m not one of those young vietnamese women, and i never consider myself as such nowadays (i think i gave up that solidarity when i embraced my identity), but part of me can’t keep from considering myself as just that. sometimes i’m so fucking confused and i feel like there’s a scared and hurt young girl still there somewhere inside of me, and that all this could have been avoided if i didn’t grow up in the world i did — if i just had the chance to grow up and explore my identity in an environment that welcomed me to do it, one that didn’t bash me for doing so. sometimes i wonder about my own validity because of my aggressive revolting against the identity forced upon me, and maybe that was the reason i fought tooth and nail against what was expected of me and became the man i am now. sometimes i wonder if i deserve this identity, because i’m not entirely sure on some days if i am it or if i only chose it because of the stuff i was put through when i was young.
i feel so much empathy for women put through this kind of thing, and it hurts that i’ll never be considered as having shared that same experience, and that it’ll be even less so when i’m completely transitioned and living the life i want. but i know i’ve been conditioned into knowing pushing away my birth-given womanhood is a betrayal to not only myself, but my family and my culture as a whole. i know it but i still feel that way, but i know that it would hurt myself even more not to live the life that i want lol
on some days i wish i physically didn’t exist, or just completely stopped existing, because it would be so much easier than dealing with all of these conflictions. but i know that’s the even unhealthier choice and heading back into the pit of misery that i used to entrench myself in years ago when my hatred for my own body, emotions, and self were so rampant and terrible. i hate loving my culture and fatherland so much, but knowing what exactly it’s done to me in my most vulnerable years.
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when lizzo said "self love is survival" and when hannah gadsby said "do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation" and when mitski said "i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation"
“I reach for that old pain and find it discrete, anonymous, mildly bitter as aspirin. It dissolves in my blood as I try to taste it, leaving a chemical burn.”
The Hunger Moon; The ex in the supermarket, Marge Piercy
I feel as though my mind is a screen and on the other side of the screen there is a being seeking life.
Frankissstein: A Love Story, Jeanette Winterson (via thecenterwillnothold)
“The will to love ate holes in my mind. I was riddled like a sieve with sharp sour desires.”
The Hunger Moon; Shad blow, Marge Piercy
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Remnant Undying King • Aleksey Kovalenko
my universe right now is fixated on the gayness of stu and billy’s relationship based off that one gay moment in Scream, and literally nothing else
i want a smart boyfriend so i can be the stupid macher in the relationship and he can be the billy loomis, and every time he steps within 3 metres of me my stupid is automatically transferred to him, but also i can put my chin on his shoulder and look at him with the most admiration and love in my eyes 🥰🥰
today is slasher sunday because i was just reminded how much i love.... LOVE... old horror and rly fucking adore so many of the baddies in them
You’re crazy, both of you. Actually, we prefer the term psychotic.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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im so sorry i can’t shut the fuck up about scream
watch the speedpaint here!!
A scene ‘Family Portrait’ from the movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974.
