You Are My Everything

The past month and a half have been a little challenging for me. The distance between Sir and I and kept us apart during the holidays and two major life events. I’ve found myself wishing for time to pass so that we are visiting each other again or wishing for the big move from the East Coast to Texas to hurry up and get here. Instead of being in the moment and enjoying the journey we’ve been sharing together, I’ve been too busy looking ahead to the next step, the next moment, and the next thing.

I realized tonight doing that has robbed me of the now. Instead of cherishing His “Good morning, little one” text, I’ve been wishing for the time I get to wake up beside Him. Instead of feeling only joy for Him as he accomplished a life goal, I felt sad and cried over not being in Texas to celebrate with Him. Instead of giving Him space to grieve, I have been feeling rejected and doubting our love.

Is our current situation perfect? No! I’d much rather be in Texas than 1350 miles away, but I couldn’t imagine life without Him so I’ll be happy that He’s a part of my life no matter what that looks like at the moment. Would I rather go to bed with Him tonight and feel His warm skin on mine? Of course I would, but instead I’ll cherish the times we’ve shared skin on skin and look forward to the times we have coming up. Do I wish that I could physically care for Him each day? I’m service oriented so of course I would but for now I’ll focus on my care like He instructs because caring for me is caring for Him too. I’ll work on me so that I am a healthy, confident woman that chooses to be His submissive.

Not only have I lost appreciating the now by always looking for the next moment, but I noticed that my confidence has taken a beating. I’ve always been confident about myself, and in relationships. However, that has not been the case the last couple months. One moment I’m confident is us making it and me getting to Texas and the next minute I worry that I’m going to lose Him for one reason or another. I’m not sure if it’s the distance creeping in or the looking for the next moment. Maybe it is being in a D/s relationship and feeling vulnerable on a level like I’ve never known before. He knows me better than anyone ever has. He’s seen pieces of me that I’ve never shown another soul and I worry what it would feel like if he walked away. Again though, the lack of confidence, the worry, the doubt is robbing me of the now and possibly of my future with Him.

* I would like to mention that Sir hasn’t done anything to make me feel less confident. If anything His consistent love and focus makes me feel stronger. He encourages me to voice my fears, but He also encourages me to find my strength.