the smartest idiot

Okay first of all I don’t think we’ve actually talked about Casey at all since the Nate thing, don’t assume you know how either of us are feeling.  Are you being serious right now?  Go fuck yourself, don’t stand there and fucking talk down to me like an asshole.  Listen, we’re all going to fucking die one way or another, maybe soon, maybe not, who the fuck knows, but every single decision I could have made for myself has been taken away, and you’re going to take this away from me too?  My life literally matters to a handful of people and that’s great and all, but I’d really like to be able to chose what I can and cannot do for myself.  And what exactly made you come to this brilliant revelation?  I thought I could come talk to you about this shit but thanks for shutting me the fuck down, yet again, like you always fucking do.  Fine.  Good for you.  I’m glad you’ve decided that sobriety is for you, that you’re going to fight for it, but don’t you fucking dare try to shove that onto me.  Anything would be better than this if we could leave, if we could do anything other than sit here, worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow, but we can’t.  So fuck that noise.  So what’s option three then, hmm?  Yeah, well you have fun with that.  Stop fucking tell me what to do or I swear to fucking god.  I get enough of that from everyone else, I don’t need that from you.  You’re not better than me just because you’ve chosen to get sober.  Literally, go fuck yourself.  I’m done here.  For good.

Well that’s - what am I supposed to do?  Both of us are clearly content not talking about everything, and that’s more than alright with me.  I was going to try to make him a dinner or something but I can’t cook, so.  Yeah well, thanks for the faith.  Oh my god, it’s not like I’m popping pills.  Right, because it’s that simple.  I can’t fucking pull myself together that easily, you should get that more than anyone else!  Right, so latch onto someone else and pull them down with me.  It’s not like anyone else can actually do anything else to help that isn’t getting me out of this fucking house, or giving me some alcohol.  Since the first option clearly isn’t happening, all I really have is the first.  There’s nothing I’m trying to - fine.  You’re not going to have to bury me, relax.  I’ll just figure it out on my own.

You’re clearly not content with the way things are so maybe try to find solutions instead of trying to convince yourself its all peachy. There are several people in this house - who not only are as stir crazy as you but also - imagine this - know how to cook! You could ask anyone and they’d be happy to help you or find someone who could. It’s still a drug, Luna. Just ‘cause it comes in liquid form doesn’t mean its not. Well, right! Exactly. This isn’t working, Luna. My way - your way - our way - we’re not - it’s not - drugs aren’t the answer. Alcohol isn’t the answer. Don’t look at it that way. You and me, yeah, it was easy to justify that we were already at the bottom and it wasn’t hurting anything anymore to have some company, but fuck that. Our friends want to pull us up. We won’t drag them down with us, but they could...they could lift us up. It’s worth a fucking shot. Anything has got to be better than this. Those aren’t the only two options. It’s not get out or get intoxicated. You set those limits, so try and let them go. That’s why I said trial and error, to experiment with things, to figure out what would make this more bearable for you. I get it’s brand new territory for you but that just means there are so many probable things you can look into that’ll make it easier to cope. Don’t. Don’t you fucking dare. Go find Coral, or Alyssa, or Casey - find someone who can grab ahold of you until you can get a hold of you yourself. That’s the best advice I’ve got at the moment. It’ll pass. All desires do eventually.

Oh, shit.  Yeah, I don’t blame them for anything.  I can’t blame them, they’re just trying to help.  I didn’t realize things needed fixing with Casey?  But fuck, don’t remind me how on top of everything else I’m not getting laid either.  He just wants to be friends and shit.  Which would be great if I ever had a moment to myself to take care of business.  Harris - wait.  Come on just - one more time.  Just to take the edge off, we don’t even have to get drunk.  Last time, I’ll never ask you again.  I promise.  Cross my heart and all that shit.

I honestly can’t with you right now. You broke his heart, had a near death experience, he wants to be friends, and you think there is nothing worth fixing there? Jesus Christ, Luna. You have a moment right now. Take a shower, take a bath, go in your room and block the door. You can make it happen, I believe in you. No. It’s never one last time, the edge never goes away, I’m sorry I made things harder for both of us, but no. Pull yourself together. There are several people with their hand out waiting to help you - latch on to any one of them. You have options that are not clinging to the ones that give you a false distraction. Anything you wanna drink away right now...still gonna be there in a few hours. So just ... I don’t know. Trial and error. Experiment and find what else could work for you ‘cause I’m not - no. Clean and sober, Luna. I’m not burying you too. 

Yeah, well.  I can.  You’re a nicer person than I am apparently.  You even said it yourself, they can’t really care for our wellbeing if they’re going to stick us in the middle of nowhere and never give us any help.  Yeah, that’s probably a good call.  Everyone’s so much on edge as it is.

The ‘they’ I was referencing wasn’t the agency, love. It was Casey, it was Justin. Coral, Jer, Ryder, etc. People who do, in fact, care much more than we deserve about our wellbeing, and help us as much as they can. But thank you. For that reminder. I’m gonna go find my boyfriend. You should ... go work things out with Casey. Get laid. I’m not getting you drunk today. Sorry.

Not really.  But yeah.  Sorry.  I mean I know all the logic and that but seriously the best thing that helps with a hangover is just to drink more.  You know.  Science and shit.  I know I should be giving you some kind of pep talk right now but fuck - it made me feel better.  If no one is going to help, they should at least stop telling us we can’t do the shit that’s going to make us feel better.  Are you - planning on telling him?

Science and shit. They’re trying to look out for us. It’s bad enough that we’re entirely different people now then we were back home. They just don’t want us to also be substance dependent. I can’t fault them for that. Are you joking? Why would I tell him? I have no real desire to be watched 24/7 or shoved into more skype meetings with my shrink, thanks. I feel like we just got done fighting, don’t wanna start up again.

Yeah, it probably was, but it wasn’t like you shoved it down my throat.  Sorry that Coral and I crashed.  But I guess misery loves company?  It just fucking sucks knowing it’s there and like knowing that I can’t - that I shouldn’t.  Did uh - did Justin notice?

Right. I - would rather not have had witnesses to that but yeah. Hope it helped you guys. Can we please go back to not talking about it? Yeah, it does suck. I’ve been hungover for two days and all I want is more alcohol. Which is stupid ‘cause I’ll just get hungover again and I know that, but apparently I don’t care. Not yet. 

Fuck.

Sorry. I should have um, not ... uh, alcohol was a bad call. And I’m sorry.

Okay but is it actually possible to feel more like shit now than I did before?

Yep.

If someone’s going to beat you up, what are you going to do, just stand there and take it?  Sometimes people respond better to violence than any string of words.  Look at all the shit I’ve done in the past few months.  I don’t know if it’s being sober making me look back on all of that but like - fuck.  I’m not saying people didn’t know, I’m just saying he’s the first person other than you or Casey to actually say anything about it, but the two of you backed off really quickly and he - didn’t.  I mean, you get it more than anyone else.  I still don’t think there was much to be worried about before Maxwell got here.  Did he?  That doesn’t surprise me.  I mean, he explained why but like - I’m not his mom.  Neither are you.

Uh...you’ve seen me do just that. You’ve also seen how bad I am about fighting back...do we really wanna relive these memories right now? Luna, we’ve all done shit we’d never have done the last couple months. I’m not going to judge you. It’s not my place. You shut us out. After not seeing or hearing from you in a week, I learned my lesson as I imagined Casey had too. Better to swallow the words and trade that in in favor of being able to keep a physical eye on you. Sorry if that ... wasn’t what you wanted. Or if us speaking up more and consistently and that would have um, changed things. For you. Lu, darling. I talked to you about it before we ever left New York. It’s always been a cause for worry and only more so with each new thing we manage to somehow survive. But what are you really... are you angry nobody else said anything? Or are you angry that Keaton made you think or feel something you didn’t want to? What are you really upset about with all this? 

Yeah, yeah.  Violence is the answer sometimes.  If I tell you what happened, will you at least tell me I’m a shit person if you’re not going to yell at me about it?  I just - basically - do you remember when I got super high and set the couch on fire before the whole … drug thing?  Basically Keaton confronted me about it and I don’t really remember much but to be fair I think he was pretty calm and I kind of lost my shit because - well, I don’t know, everyone else was ignoring it and I didn’t like being called out I guess.  So now that - after everything happened, I found him and tried to talk to him and it just … escalated.

No, it’s not. Well, shit, fine. If people have a deadly weapon they’re pointing at you or hurting your friends...that’s different. You. Are. Not. A. Shit. Person. Stop telling yourself you are. You didn’t want to hear it. Probably still don’t. You stopped talking to me for ages the first time I tried to talk to you about it and after that I didn’t ... well, I didn’t have much of a leg to stand on, did i? Anything I could say to you, you could throw back at me. Didn’t mean me or anyone else here weren’t concerned about you. ‘Course it did. Keaton’s very black and white about addiction. He had a go at me a few weeks ago.

Why do you assume he did something?  I’m just a shit person.  I knew I shouldn’t have done it as soon as I did.  Can you just like, yell at me or something?

...because it’s Keaton and you wouldn’t just hit anyone for no reason. He’s got a habit of having his mouth run away from him so I wouldn’t...be surprised. You - what? You are not a shit person. No. I’ve never risen my voice like that and I’m not going to start with you. I love you and you’re wonderful and I don’t know what he said to you, but i will say violence is never the answer and I’m glad you knew it wasn’t the right choice directly after. Now, breathe, c’mere so I can hug you, and then spill. What happened? 

I uh - none of the above, actually.  Surprising, I know.  I think it falls somewhere in between the last time I told you off and the last time I was an idiot around Casey.

Oh. Wait, what? 

Harris?

Darling? ... Are we talking set something important on fire fucked up, I was an idiot around Casey again fucked up or I relapsed fucked up?

Letting out a totally inappropriate snort, Keaton clamped a hand over his mouth to stop himself from the uncontrollable giggles that threatened to bubble up. “Right. I’d hope so.” Finally under control, Keaton replied, only to scrunch his face up in a pout. “I’m taking your silence as confirmation that my arse is spectacular. And of bloody course  I want a tutu!! I will not feel like a legit ballerina until I have one.” Keaton nodded matter of factly and grinned as Harris pulled the ice cream out of the freezer. He followed easily as Harris pulled him to the couch, amusement written all over his features as he watched Harris struggle with the cuddle situation before he finally defaulted to being the little spoon. Adjusting his arm around the smaller boy, Keaton settled in, the familiar weight and warmth of someone against his side already helping his mood. “I disagree, but good.” Keaton countered, letting out a low, non-committal grumble when his nose was dabbed. With the conversation returning to what had brought them to the couch, Keaton dipped his spoon into the ice cream, snickering around it at Harrison’s puppy comment. “No. That’s alright. Thank you, though.” He tapped his spoon against the side of the ice cream container before dipping out another spoonful. Keaton listened to Harris as he let the ice cream melt on his tongue, resting his head on top of Harrison’s and squeezing his shoulders when he faltered. Sighing, Keaton stuck his spoon back into the ice cream and left it there. “I mean, in a way, yes - that makes sense. It’s just…the only other thing we ever kept from one another was the fact that we were basically totally in love with one another and…we didn’t even do that well. That and the Max bullshit, so…I don’t know. The whole guard thing has never been an issue. I’ve never really thought of myself as a fixer, but yeah. I guess I can be that.” Biting down on his lower lip, Keaton shook his head. “It’s just really hard to wrap my head around the fact that there are things he thinks he can’t tell me, whether it be because he thinks it’ll make it so hard on us that I’ll bail or just that he doesn’t trust me to handle it. Either way it’s kind of like he….thinks less of me in a way. And saying it out loud it’s totally fucking mad, but…” He groaned, hiding his face in Harrison’s hair. “Is it totally crazy to think that and still know he loves me?” His words were muffled, garbled and jumbled up just like everything in Keaton’s head. “Never had great balancing skills, but yeah. I see what you’re saying.” When Harris pushed his spoon into the ice cream and left it, Keaton used his free hand to move the container to the coffee table so he could wrap both arms around Harris. “S’okay that you don’t, mate. Didn’t expect them, honestly. It’s just nice to get this all out of my head.” Keaton couldn’t help but chuckle and give Harris a squeeze. “Probably not, but you get a pass today. I’ll keep that in mind when I talk to him.” For whatever reason, be it the recent events with Luna, or Ryder, or just everything that he’d had gotten really good at suppressing being basically thrown back in his face, Keaton felt a flare of emotion that made his throat tight and his eyes sting a little. “You know,” Pausing when his voice came out just a shade shakier than Keaton would have liked, he cleared his throat and started again. “You know, I don’t think the agency gives you guys enough credit. I mean, yeah, we’re trained, but…nothing prepares you for the emotional part of this job and I really don’t think we’d be able to do it without you. God knows I couldn’t if I’d been placed with anyone other than you and Ryder. Not sure that gets said enough, so…you know, thank you.”

Harris had been cuddled more this week than he had … possibly ever, and yet somehow it still wasn’t quite enough. He didn’t even know what it was he was looking for, but it was apparently not in anyone’s arms. Still, it was nice to be close to Keaton again, this time without the hospital acting as a catalyst. He listened as Keaton explained that they weren’t the type to keep things from each other and tried not to comment about how unlikely that was. He’d kept things from Ellie and she was literally half of him. A soft snort slipped out when Keaton mumbled about not really being a fixer but maybe. “Yeah, bro. You totally are.” But he sobered up again as Keaton went deeper into why he was so bothered by Ryder choosing not to share something with him. Thinks less of him? Harrison’s mouth pulled into a frown, despite the fact Keaton hiding in his hair tickled. “Yes, that’s mad. He looks at you like you’re the goddamn sun and you know it. There’s nobody he loves as much as he loves you. I don’t - now I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around things.” Then again, there was probably something here that would inadvertently help him with Justin because this was a very familiar fight. “Can you … “ Harrison sighed lightly, bringing his legs up and leaning slightly more into Keaton. “I guess that part is different for you guys. I’m not a very open person. So it baffles me that sharing is a thing that’s not only easy for you both, but expected. You know the saying ‘Knowledge is power’? Each part of himself that he offers to you weakens him a bit. Not emotionally, or anything, but it gives you another weapon to hurt him. You wouldn’t…but you could. Each secret shared makes him a little more vulnerable to you. So maybe instead of feeling like he doesn’t trust you enough to not hurt him, you can appreciate how much time it takes to build up the courage to let some big part of yourself go into someone else’s hands. I mean, like you said, it’s easy for you guys, to share. So for him to struggle with something…it’s big. And I don’t think it’s fair to rush him or think poorly about him because you know he will share eventually. When he’s ready. I think it’d help you both if you were just…supporting him instead of doubting him and what he thinks about you.” Maybe that was too far and too out of place, but Harrison was nothing if not known for sticking his foot in his mouth and pissing people off when they came to him for advice. He didn’t protest Keaton moving the ice cream out of reach, just shifted to curl more into the hug. They were quiet for a moment and that was okay. Harrison appreciated the time to try and sort out his own jangled mess of a head but looked up when Keaton’s voice came out all shaky and not at all what he expected. Though his words only baffled him more. “Sure, you’re guards, but you’re also humans. You have the same needs to be encouraged, supported, comforted, and loved. You’re quite welcome for treating you like a deserving human being,” Harrison teased, but slipped his arms around Keaton all the same to squeeze him a little. “M’always here for you. Maybe not always in the best mindset, but I’m here.”

Luna had to snort because wasn’t that the truth.  She longed for the days where she was super laid back and chill, rarely anything ever got to her, and she just took life as it came.  Now if she dropped a fucking mug she started crying, people were afraid to talk to her because she’d probably just yell at them and she was cooped up in a fucking house.  “They can’t expect to shove us on exile island, forget about us, and forget that we’re going to be the same.”  You know, plus everything else that happened.  Sometimes, she’d purposely think about the week or whatever that they’d spent kidnapped.  At first, she thought that maybe if she thought about it waking, and tried to face the memories head on, she wouldn’t spend so much of the little time she did sleep dreaming about it.  That plan had been kind of a bust, and if anything it made the nightmares worse.  But it was like, once she’d unloaded the memories, it was almost like she couldn’t put them away again.  She kept thinking about all the shit that had happened, if there had been any way she could have done anything differently, if they ever could have escaped.  If they - if they could have saved Blythe.  How it might not of happened if they’d been told.  “Makes complete sense.  I don’t disagree with you, baby.  I don’t think you should have to take the stupid pills either, if you don’t want them.”  She opened her mouth to ask if he’d consider trying to sneak them to her, but she figured Papa K would have a pretty tight leash on him, and if not Papa K, then Justin, so she closed her mouth and kept silent.  “I - sorry.”  It wasn’t like she’d forgotten what had happened before they had gone to Hawaii, and how much of a mess that also had been but - she missed the freedom.  “I’m glad we met the Australian people, though.  Well, not the ginger, but everyone else.”

Harrison had to give her that. If neither agency wanted them, what good was just sticking them out of the way, why not just let them go? “I suppose professional integrity. They don’t want to put the resources in to make us comfortable because we’re difficult, but if we all died, that’d look really bad and several parents would pull their kids from the program because obviously the agency isn’t as capable as they could be. You know?” Swallowing hard at her second question, he lifted his shoulders slightly. “The thought’s crossed my mind. It’s why I prefer it when Agent Klein is here despite the awkwardness of like, living with my boyfriend’s dad. If Australia was to turn on us and give us up - he’d be the one with the best resources, connections, and knowledge to keep us alive. I can’t control … any of this. And it sucks. I just want to feel safe again but even safe houses feel dangerous, so how likely is that going to be? Ever?” It’d be different if Harrison had done something - anything - to deserve this scale of manhunt, but the worst thing he’d ever done was get in a car his best friend told him too. Absently, his right hand crossed over to run over the scar on his side, before looking over at Luna as she described how isolated it felt in the house these days. Huh. He’d thought it was just him, but that made sense. Though, he was surprised she hadn’t gone to Coral yet. They’d been close before he started indulging Luna’s crazier whims. “Exactly.” It was this stupid game of lying, because people wanted you to admit you were struggling, only to not have anything useful to say once you did. What was the point? Was the ‘Ha, I knew it!’ feeling really worth it? Fighting to keep his balance at the unexpected nudge he returned the silly gesture without thinking about it before laughing slightly. “Yeah, yeah you are. Welcome to AP Survival.” He’d toyed briefly with neurotics, before bypassing crazy, and skipping addiction all together. Those were all symptoms of what was actually driving them to be the way they are. So. Survival.