KOYR

Twas the night of Wrestlemania  And all through the house  Not a creature was stirring  Not even Shea-Mouse  The snacks were laid out in the fridge with care  In hopes that the Big Show wouldn’t be there

The beers were nestled all snug in their place  The Network buffered quickly with a smile on my face  Alexa Bliss hid her fear from all of her friends As Nia Jax roared wildly, waiting for revenge

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter  Many superstars were brawling, looking for dreams to shatter  Away to the window I flew like a flash  To enter the ring and try to win either Battle Royal Match

The glare of my TV on leather sofa that’s actually faux  Gave the lustre of moonlight to the laminate flooring below  When, what to my wondering eyes should appear  But Paul Heyman announcing Brock Lesnar was here

With a beefy presence, and a neck so thick  Brock flexed his biceps and let Heyman do all of his schtick  More rapid than eagles his opponent soon came  As the crowd booed loudly at the sound of his name

Roman Reigns made his way, booed by nearly ever fan The problem is, well, Brock just didn’t give damn  To the corner of the turnbuckle to the top of the tron  Wrestlemania was soon starting, the excitement had begun

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly  There was a boo from the crowd and a glint in an eye  The Authority arrived looking stronger and stronger But can they really beat Kurt and Ronda?

And then, in a twinkling, with footsteps a flurry  The crowd went wild to the sound of “Here Comes The Money”  Then came Daniel as they walked the ramp for a mile Looking to end Owens and Zayn’s careers in their usual style

With fireworks came a lady with Flair Charlotte grinned wildly without any care But with a roar of the crowd her heart felt weak Can she be the one to end Asuka’s streak?

Their eyes how they twinkled! Each one feeling power! The Miz and Seth Rollins and the Demon King Finn Balor The Triple Threat was on for the prestigious title Will Miz’s baby high be enough to defeat his rivals?

Randy Orton’s opponents didn’t care for him at all  From Bobby Roode to Rusev but especially Jinder Mahal A Fatal Fourway Match that could lead to dismay  Unless, of course, this is to be Rusev’s Day

A Royal Rumble winner cashing in his match A Triple Threat Tag Team championship clash And what about Strowman missing a man? What will happen to Cena’s big Undertaker plan?

I spoke not a word as the music soon played  The games were over, the WWE logo displayed  Michael Cole, Corey Graves even The Coach too  Welcomed us to Wrestlemania with a how-do-you-do

Twas the night of Wrestlemania 

And all through the house 

Not a creature was stirring 

Not even Shea-Mouse 

The snacks were laid out in the fridge with care 

In hopes that the Big Show wouldn’t be there

The beers were nestled all snug in their place 

The Network buffered quickly with a smile on my face 

The mixed tag match contenders kept displaying their love 

As Maryse stared down Nikki even giving her a shove

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter 

Many superstars were brawling, looking for dreams to shatter 

Away to the window I flew like a flash 

To enter the ring and try to win the Andre The Giant Match

The glare of my TV on leather sofa that’s actually faux 

Gave the lustre of moonlight to the laminate flooring below 

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear 

But Paul Heyman announcing Brock Lesnar was here

With a beefy presence, and a neck so thick 

Brock flexed his biceps and let Heyman do all of his schtick 

More rapid than eagles his opponent soon came 

As smoke bellowed on stage and the crowd chanted his name

“GOLDBERG” was heard from the mouths of every fan 

The problem is, well, Brock just didn’t give damn 

To the corner of the turnbuckle to the top of the tron 

Wrestlemania was soon starting, the excitement had begun

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly 

There was a boo from the crowd and a glint in an eye 

Triple H walked the ramp, looking to end all the games 

But Seth Rollins, determined, limped on through the pain

And then, in a twinkling, with footsteps a flurry 

The crowd went wild to the sound of “Here Comes The Money” 

The commissioner of Smackdown was at Wrestlemania again 

But he was stepping in with an AJ just wanting to cause pain

Backstage all the women prepared for their match 

The rise of Bayley could be destroyed by the powerful Nia Jax 

And poor Alexis Bliss must face one and all 

Who will be the one who will get to stand tall?

Their eyes how they twinkled! Each one is a cutie! 

New Day were here to prove that they ain’t booty 

The hosts of the night pushing their New Day Pops 

The crowd go wild shouting “New Day Rocks”

Randy Orton’s opponent didn’t care for him at all 

It was clear this match would be and out and out brawl 

The Eater of Worlds stepping into the Viper’s nest 

To retain his belt and prove he’s the best

Betrayal after betrayal, this match was for revenge 

And Kevin Owens proving that he doesn’t need friends 

And let’s not forgot the other gold on the line 

Dean Ambrose and Neville must keep their eyes on the prize

I spoke not a word as the music soon played 

The games were over, the WWE logo displayed 

Michael Cole, Byron Saxton even JBL too 

Welcomed us to Wrestlemania with a how-do-you-do

The fireworks exploded and the excitement rose 

I felt a buzz from my head right down to my toes 

As Michael Cole beamed and roared, getting zanier and zanier 

Gay rights have changed monumentally. There has been a significant shift over decades and, although it’s not perfect, things have improved. Because we’re all so focused on the broader issues like gay marriage we don’t often talk about the smaller things that make being gay a little bit different. Like how your work buddies are talking about women and jokingly say there’s no point telling you, you wouldn’t “get it” or how your gym buddy jokes that you want to check him out in the shower. These, in social justice circles, are called “micro aggressions”. Tiny fragments that create a divide between gay and straight. I tend to try not to let me bother these but there is one part of life I’d like to discuss and that’s what it means to be a gay WWE fan.

1. Forgiving Past Sins 

Being a gay WWE fan means that you have to forgive a lot of previous transgressions. The Attitude Era was awesome for so many people. It was rude, obnoxious and outrageous; it was everything we wanted to be. It was also pretty homophobic. WWE has never shied away from a good gay joke throughout its time. Sure, it’s essentially harmless. Who can forget when HHH went looking for Shawn Michaels in a restaurant. He mistakes a long-haired waiter for Shawn explaining “well, that’s certainly a different look to the chaps I usually see you in there, Sexy Boy”. The waiter then checks HHH out and, after HHH apologises and tries to leave, the waiter tells him “I get off at seven”. HHH retorts “yeah, I bet you do”. It’s a good bit, pointing out the homoerotic undertones of the Shawn Michaels/HHH dynamic. This, though, was 2009. Not the attitude era but the PG era. Now, don’t get me wrong, HHH is my favourite of all time. I adore him. But I have also had to know that it also means accepting that sometimes he’s going to have to play to an audience that thinks gay jokes are funny (and sometimes, they are!). It means forgiving that, looking beyond it and working through it.

2. Accepting Disappointment 

Being a gay WWE fan also means accepting disappointment. I started being a fan age 7, before I truly understood I was gay. This was 1997. I had not really been into it and it wasn’t until the Stephanie McMahon/Test wedding that I liked it. But I did once watch a PPV with my brother. On it, Jerry Lawler was cutting a promo on Goldust telling him his father hated him because he’d married a gold digger and was now kissing men like a “flaming faggot”. This was not beeped out, this was deemed perfectly acceptable. Now sure, Lawler was playing heel and Goldust got the win but it was particularly biting for a 7 year old to take in. Men who kiss men are faggots. That was my take-away from that promo.

The disappointment wouldn’t end there. As a WWE fan I’ve had to live through the fiasco of Chuck and Billy. For those who don’t know, this was Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn. They were ‘very close’ friends and gradually began acting more effemininhently, under the eye of their flamboyant manager Rico. The two wore pink, rubbed each other with oil and acted, well, pretty gay. The entire story culminated in a botched wedding where they revealed they weren’t gay and Eric Bischoff was made up as an elderly priest in a RAW v Smackdown attack. This was new for me, being gay had become an extended punchline. The problem being, this was the closest WWE has ever got in my life time to allowing me to feel represented on TV. The story played out as a cheap ploy and it left me extremely disappointed.

WWE these days dictates that people B A Star. One of their biggest ambassadors is Darren Young. Darren came out a few years ago and I was truly heartened to discover the great support he had. Stephanie McMahon, Vince McMahon and Triple H all tweeted their support for Darren saying that WWE didn’t discriminate. Stephanie later noted that because Darren is gay, it doesn’t mean his character would need to be. This to me was interesting; it was a clear message: WWE will not do a gay-centric storyline. Since then Darren’s star has faded and he’s only dragged out to be squashed or to support B A Star events which is perhaps the biggest disappointment to date. 

3. Never Feeling Represented 

WWE has always had relationship storylines. They have actually been some of my favourite. From HHH and Stephanie, Stone Cold and Debra to Zack Ryder and Eve, they are the soap opera stories that have had me interested in WWE for so long. But WWE has never had a gay-centric storyline (again, Billy and Chuck do NOT count). We’ve had hot lesbian action but nothing ever gay. And let’s face it: WWE is pretty gay! It’s fit men in underwear grinding on top of each other. Yet WWE has never pulled the trigger. It just wouldn’t appeal to its base. You’d have conservative parent groups protesting and it’d be a huge PR headache and just wouldn’t be worth it. The WWE gay audience is negligible when you consider its markets. But it doesn’t make it any less harder to watch something where you’re never represented. It’s especially biting when you consider how many TV shows DO have gay storylines now. It’s easy to understand WHY WWE doesn’t have a gay storyline, it just sucks that they don’t. I personally believe it’d create a compelling story but it’d be a major test of its base. It’d be WWE asking its fans to be accepting. And considering Women’s Wrestling has only just been re-introduced, WWE has a long way to go on social representation.

4. It’s OK To Perv 

I used to run a website called Wrestlebitch. It was a site that posted screen caps of WWE matches between the WWE’s more handsome stars. People like Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler. I would post images of their more compromising positions that show off their assets the best. I had many fans of my work but it also got me some negative attention. Other gay fans would tell me I was representing them poorly, straight fans would call me a pervert. It’s funny, because the WWE openly accepts and invites male fans to ogle and perv at their female roster. They have bikini photoshoots, bra and panties matches and fans would lap it up. But c’mon, these guys are smoking hot. They wrestle nearly every day of the year in tight shorts and their bodies are RIDICULOUS. So it’s bound to happen where they pick up a few gay fans. So we’re going to look and enjoy the bodies in front of us. And yeah, there’s going to be some slash fiction too. It happens all the time. You should read some of the stuff Supernatural fans write. Randy Orton actually gave an interview a while ago on The Sam Roberts Show. He calls slash fiction or, “fantasy stories” and says how he finds it “horrible”. The host asks Randy if he’s upset that “dudes” are into the fact he wears a skimpy outfit to the ring but Randy replies “hey, that’s cool” as long as they buy the merch. And that’s the smart attitude to take. I’m a huge fan of Dolph Ziggler, I think he’s an amazing in-ring performer. I have bought his merch, bought tickets to shows he’s on and generally followed his career. But it’d be a lie if I said it was his grit and determination that originally got me interested. So, it’s totally fine to perv. It doesn’t make you less of a fan or a ‘disappointment’ to the community. Sure, it probably adds fuel to the fire when people say “oh I know why you watch it”, but so what. If people think you’re just watching to check out guys’ asses then might as well do it anyway!

5. Change Takes Time 

Change takes time. It always has and always will. But WWE’s attitude to LGBT people has already changed massively. You have its top superstars as well as Stephanie and Triple H actively supporting anti-bullying and anti-hate causes. The WWE joined up with the NO H8 campaign noting “our mission at WWE is to put smiles on people’s faces and we do that, in part, by participating in initiatives that help fight bullying of all kinds. We are proud to support the LBGT community by taking part in the WWE NOH8 Campaign." Now, WWE didn’t NEED to do that. Its B A Star initiative is already a big winner but its a nod in the right direction. It’s telling its LGBT fans “we see you, we acknowledge you and we support you”. This doesn’t mean they’re suddenly going to be doing LGBT storylines but it’s a start, one that makes me hopeful for the the future.

Twas the night of Wrestlemania And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Not even Stardust The snacks were laid out in the fridge with care In hopes that the Big Show wouldn’t be there

The beers were nestled all snug in their place The Network buffered quickly with a smile on my face Ladder Match contenders stood praying for a push Dolph Ziggler was oiling from his neck to his tush

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter Many superstars were brawling, looking for dreams to shatter Away to the window I flew like a flash To enter the ring and try to win the Andre The Giant Match

The glare of my TV on leather sofa that’s actually faux Gave the lustre of moonlight to the laminate flooring below When, what to my wondering eyes should appear But Paul Heyman announcing Brock Lesnar was here

With a beefy presence, and a neck so thick Brock flexed his biceps and let Heyman do all of his schtick More rapid than eagles his opponent soon came And he bounced through the crowd and roared Lesnars’ name

“It’s on” Ambrose warned to this calculating man The problem is Brock just didn’t give damn To the corner of the turnbuckle to the top of the tron Wrestlemania was soon starting, the excitement had begun

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly There was a boo from the crowd and a glint in an eye Triple H walked the ramp, determined to end all the games And defeat the Authority’s threat, the brutal Roman Reigns

And then, in a twinkling, with footsteps a flurry The crowd went wild to the sound of “Here Comes They Money” It was last chance saloon for the valiant Shane Yet he had to face a demonic Undertaker, wanting to cause pain

Backstage there were goggles and corsets to synch A historical night for Charlotte, Sasha and Ms Becky Lynch The Show of Shows is all about glamour But as I went to sit down I heard such a clamour

Their eyes how they twinkled! Each one is a cutie! New Day were here to prove that they ain’t booty But their opponents are strong and losing patience This was no easy match with the League of Nations

AJ Styles his opponent didn’t care for him at all But I was soon to discover who’d really stand tall With no fans at his side hoping he’ll win Like a Diva’s waist, Chris Jericho’s chances are thin

No tables to be broken, they smiled to say As to the ring, The Dudley Boys made their way These opponents The Usos knew would be hard to beat But they had determination in their hearts and the crowd on their feet

I spoke not a word as the music soon played The games were over, the WWE logo displayed Michael Cole, Byron Saxton and JBL too Welcomed us to Wrestlemania with a how-do-you-do