King of Dawah

A stunning and brave play about beheading

Dedicated to the victims of beheading, the beheaders.

Characters:

Bilal the Beheader: Victim of Britain and liberal secularism and neo-liberalism

Steve Cornwall. Former Guardian journalist turned conservative. Promoter of white privilege and neoliberal double standards and secular fundamentalism. Betrayed humanity by disagreeing with the Guardian. Forces Bilal to kidnap him after being critical of Moazzam Begg’s beard.

Setting: a warehouse near Milton Keynes, being broadcast on the internet.

Emotions evoked by this play: Stunning, brave, fearless, passionate, edgy, truthful, poignant

Opening scene. Bilal has his knife to Michael’s throat:

Steve: Hey wait, don’t you support Manchester United

Bilal: Yeah. Hey we have so much in common. But you radicalised me by saying Moazzam Begg isn’t fit to sell books promoting Jihad anymore.

Michael: Hey Islamic Spain was a bastion of tolerance.

Bilal: Yes. But its refusal to be owned by a Caliphate now is oppressive and responsible for your beheading.

Just got an e-mail from a white Lefty apologising for ISIS type secularists who castrate community leaders by not letting me squat on them.

My name is White Lefty and I am writing on behalf of all humanity with correct-thought to apologise for ISIS type secularists who castrate community leaders by not letting you squat on them.

As a White Lefty who craves to have my face squatted on by community leaders like you in order to embody the relationship that deserves to exist between oppressed community activists and genocidal pigs who disagree with justice, in other words, everyone you oppose, I promise I will do everything in my power to bring your enemies to disgrace by sulking about them.

As someone who personally follows Sharia law in every aspect in solidarity with your struggle against those who oppose you, along with only eating Vegan meat and smoking Guatemalan cheese in solidarity with shanty town uprisings, you represent the best hope for the Left.

I am deeply moved to have received this compassionate e-mail message of solidarity from a leading obedient white feminist who understands how we can achieve peace and tolerance:

As a white intersectional feminist with oxygen privilege I am compelled to support non-violent violent Islamists as we face the common enemy of patriarchal hetero-pickled structures and white perspiration that oppresses us equally by not killing itself. Only by destroying the uniquely evil racist, misogynist Anglo-Patriarchy can we move onto the next stage of liberation.

Islamists have assured me that there is room in their utopia for a Pagan Sex-positive Vaginal-Exhibitionist Gender-Multiplier like me in their non-hierarchical hierarchy and I believe them because I am not phobia smeared. .

Islamist Patriarchy is more like an Intersectional Feminist utopia and I believe them because they are oppressed.

Yes, they may ‘apologise’ for beheading but structural beheading by disobedience towards cuddly sharia law is a reality in Britain too.

(Glorious Leader fully in control of the situation)

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn today announced plans for a merger of the Labour Party with the progressive caliphate group CAGE.

"When Keir Hardie founded the Labour Party in 1900, he would have been delighted to welcome such a strapping bunch of men committed to a fairer society for all, especially those wanting to destroy it"

(United by beards, Keir Hardie, Labour and progressive peaceful Jihadis - the merger was inevitable)

Mr Corbyn stood beside Youseem Crazy, who kept glancing at Mr Corbyn’s neck and licking his lips.

“As progressive Jihadists who believe in a fairer world for beheaders and bombers, the Labour Party is ideally suited to progressing the values we seek to impose on Britain, by making Britain consent to bowing down to us. I totally believe that my late boyfriend, Jihadi John, would have been delighted by this merger. He was a great fan of Harold Wilson, at least, he really liked the look of his neck. The only way to stop extremism is to stop those who want to stop it. The only way to stop jihadis is to stop putting impediments in the way of them, or else who knows what may happen”

(Harold Wilson would have approved of this progressive alliance of the Left and the progressive Jihadi socialist movement)

Seumas Milne, head of strategy, communications and Stalin revisionism within Labour, said:

“For too long Britain has been ruled by parasites who suck the blood of those who wish to spill their blood. In merging Labour with this profoundly progressive advocacy group, we merge together two groups who can build a brighter future by ending the future of those who wish to oppose us. Just as comrade Stalin had the parasite Kulaks killed, so must we stand with our “extremist” comrades in hope that the parasite apostates be destroyed.”

(class parasite Kulaks had to be punished for drinking the blood of the workers, just as liberal secularist Muslims do today)

As he spoke, the journalist Peter Oborne sat in the lap of Moazzam Begg, who was stroking him like a cat. Oborne was grooming Begg’s beard, checking for lice implanted by evil secularist subversives.

Milne continued:

“Liberal Muslims are the new Kulaks who are threatening our class interests and as such we need to move to prevent isolation, unemployment, and a sense of oppression caused by having the same opportunities as everyone else into a five year plan to give all our money to potential Jihadis”

“It is imperative our economy is run to this end. We can set up socialist collectives to train young men and women into progressive forms of bomb making, grant them land on which to practise beheading on scarecrows from farms requisitioned by the state.”

(come in, come in, have a seat, how can we behead you, sorry, I meant, how can we help you?)

The Guardian journalist David Shariatmadari said:

“I can’t tell you the anonymous source who told me to say this, but this merger of the two great progressive movements of British history, and I do believe that CAGE and the Beheading Rights organisation DECAP are on a moral par with the Suffragettes, is a profound vindication of the policy of promoting extremists in order to end extremism, by the alternative method of silencing and attacking those who attack and oppose extremists.”

(Aneurin Bevan. Hero to progressive Islamists. Would have approved of the direction of today’s Labour party and Left. If you disagree you’re racist)

Owen Jones said:

“Jeremy Corbyn promised to build a coalition that would bring hope to LGBTQ’s and minorities and strike fear into the heart of the imperialist dog machine of the Tory establishment. I can’t think of any better partners than these strapping and bearded fruits of multiculturalism, whose oratory belongs beside the toe-nail clippings of Nye Bevan to be worshipped as embodiments of the struggle for equality.”

The British government has imposed a curfew following three nights of rioting in London between minority groups fighting over which of them has the right to be represented as the next James Bond.

Obligatory scene of parliament in picturesque crisis

The producers of the spy franchise are in hiding following credible death threats believed to have come from the supporters of ‘Trans-Genders for 007’ after rumours that they were to be snubbed in favour of a Sikh James Bond.

Jamesdeep Singh Bond

This inflamed members of the Muslim community, coming so soon after negotiations between them and the unanimously self-declared leaders of the Black community signed a peace treaty on the basis of the next James Bond being Somali.

Members of the oldest established black community in Britain gathered in Brixton however, stating that given the sacrifices of West Indian soldiers in World War II and Ian Fleming having his palatial ‘Goldeneye’ residence in Oracabessa bay, it was only right that the first black James Bond be of Jamaican origin.

Evil originator of oppressive James Bond Ian Fleming spy novel extremist

This incensed members of the Lambeth Council of Rastafarians who feared that members of the Jamaican community would ‘whitewash’ Bond by making him part of the Edward Seaga establishment whilst marginalising Nyabinghi drummers from the Rasta community.

Prince Irie-Ganja of the Streatham alliance of Sellasi-ie Warriors said, ‘The time has come for James Babylon to fall’.

Jemima Cheltenham, white saviour of oppressed people everywhere, she has a permanent headache caused by being white

Jemima Cheltenham, the Guardian journalist and campaigner against those who campaign against forced marriage if they do so too stridently, who launched the movement to ban James Bond being a white English man, released a statement saying:

“It wasn’t meant to be like this. We campaigned for parliament to change the law so that the actor playing 007 be rotated by actors representing marginalised and victimised minorities so that their self-esteem could be raised and to strike a blow against the tyranny of people who just want to immerse themselves in a world of escapism and fun, full of conventions that are self-referential, witty, playful, sexy, sassy, thrilling, and transgressive in an era of neurotic deference to never ending demands of identity politics in a social media age.’

The chest hair of oppression

In Bradford, copies of Ian Fleming’s novels were burnt outside the town hall as community leaders warned of ‘alienation’ and ‘anger’ that may lead to ‘misguided’ ‘youth’ ‘misinterpreting’ the peaceful message of Jihad in a manner ‘that would be a challenge even for 007 at his best to beat’.

“As the most oppressed community in the universe we demand that James Bond be a Muslim and engaged in fighting against the evil master plans of arch criminal Maajid Blofeld Nawaz who seeks to destroy the world by disagreeing with us.”

For Your Eyes Only? No more Pussy Galore

However even within the ‘Sharia Bond’ movement there were threats of civil war when guarantees that a Muslim James Bond only interacts with women who are suitably veiled could not be given.

“As women who are liberated by saying we are liberated by wearing niqab we demand that Miss Moneypenny be suitably modest in her attire and all the women that Jamal Bond tames wear at the minimum a hijab after he has sexual intercourse with them by shaking their hands, once they have reverted to Islam”, said Shazia Khan of ‘Burqas for Bond’.

No longer acceptable

In America a hash tag movement has been re-tweeted more than a billion times, with white liberals posting pictures on Instagram of them pulling their hair out in shame of being white, after a Muslim boy was falsely accused of being Muslim after wearing a t-shirt that said ‘James Bomb 00786’ in solidarity with the discrimination Muslims in Britain face by not having control of the 007 franchise.

Opposing stereotyping of the gay James Bond movement by posting Shirley Bassey’s ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ theme here

It is understood that members of the Gay and Lesbian Campaign for Pink Bond are meeting to respond to developments.

“The urgency of the situation cannot be overstated. Our plans were for Bond to be played by lesbian and gay actors and actresses and for him to fight evil companies who stereotype gay and lesbian people as homosexual rather than normal people who do gay marriage. Our dream was to see James Bond get married to another man or woman depending if he or she was gay and lesbian, and then retire and be happy, and then to attack anyone who says that would be boring as homophobic.”

Kim Kardashian quickly does a nude Goldfinger photo shoot in case her father-in-law Caitlyn gets more publicity than her

In a stunning development, Caitlyn Jenner tweeted a picture of herself holding a Walther PKK with the message ‘I Am Blonde, I am Bond’, which was retweeted six billion times, and made the cover of Vanity Fair, Time magazine, The New York Times and Rolling Stone.

Obama - “Caitlyn Jenner’s tweet is our modern day Gettysburg Address’

Barack Obama interrupted doing nothing about Syria to give a speech in which he praised Jenner for her ‘bravery’ and compared her tweet to Abraham Lincoln’s words at Gettysburg. Across the nation demands were made for Jenner to receive awards even if they have nothing to do with her, and for anyone who disagrees with her being brave to be incarcerated for being racist.

David Cameron is holding crisis talks in the Cotswolds over the crisis, as rumours of a full scale insurrection by Feminists was being discussed on social media.

An end to all this kind of thing

A source close to the ‘Castrate Bond Caucus’ told us:

“This was supposed to end once and for all the evil of a cis-white male imposing his phallic hegemony over our society by  actually existing, but we are now faced with the subversion of the original aim of destroying patriarchy by destroying fun because other minorities who claim to be more oppressed than each other fight over everything. It is a direct result of the character of James Bond, who has provoked this backlash against himself, by not doing as he was told, and he is responsible for genocide by not apologising for the crimes of everything”

“When Carly Simon sang ‘Nobody Does It Better’ as the theme song for ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’ who was she referring to? Does she really think that nobody other than a straight white male can do it better? Why support this supremacist oppressive arrogance that automatically spits in the face of everyone else on Earth?”

“Anyone who enjoys ‘Spectre’ is a misogynistic racist Islamophobic homophobic trans-phobe colonialist imperialist drowner of refugees blah blah blah” complained someone who was subsequently seen enjoying the latest James Bond film immensely.

If you enjoy this film you are part of the oppression

As tension grew as various people on social media trembled with anger, rumours were that the rest of Britain got on with their lives and couldn’t care less, and were planning on enjoying the new Bond movie even if the theme tune wasn’t that good, which finally united the warring victims, in the belief that everyone else is evil and oppressing them all mercilessly.

Controversial controversialist, the so-called Maajid Nawaz, says things many people disagree with. So how can he be allowed to say things? David Shariatmadari investigates the enigma of a former extremist who now believes things he didn't used to, and what this means for people already being persecuted by what he says.

(moustache imported from Nepal)

Unexpectedly, for someone who claims to be the greatest man who ever lived, the choice of venue for our interview isn't authentic for someone who is supposedly an expert in things which community activists and leaders disagree with. He greets me with a 'hello', his handshake simultaneously shifty and dishonest. His reptilian eyes remind me of a snake I once saw in a dream, its sibilant hiss warning me of the destruction of the universe, if it were ever to be trusted.

(a representation of how Maajid Nawaz, on the left, entices innocent Mowgli’s with his arguments)

"Can I buy you a coffee? An esspressino perregrino perhaps? I highly recommend it with an effulgence of Perugian cream. The trick behind its exquisite flavour is that Italian milkmaids massage the udders of the cow for three days before extracting it. Lick a spoon of Tuscan truffle-teat sugar with it. Sensational."

(Unbelievable. Who does he think he is, inviting me here?)

I watch him suspiciously, amazed that a man who claims to be opposed to religious extremism could ever drink such ostentatious coffee. I accept his offer, full of disgust that a man like this, who offends so many community leaders, drinks so-called coffee with Perugian cream, alienating so many extremists. The coffee is delicious.

(King Herod had babies killed. Maajid Nawaz offends community activists and leaders. Same thing.)

Before interviewing Nawaz, I speak to some anonymous people who know him. One of them, an anonymous source who wants to be anonymous, says 'Maajid thinks he's amazing, but he's not. Instead of writing and debating things in order to confront bad ideas, he should be sticking his head in the sand, which is the only way the extremists won't be offended'.

I ask him about his pompous opinions, and whether expressing them actually increases extremism by increasing it. Predictably, he is dismissive of my brilliant, amazing point, disagreeing with it arrogantly in a manner that would alienate people and thus increase the chances of innocent people being harmed by extremists, probably.

(anonymous source spoke only on condition of being represented as a silhouette against a moody, artistic city light skyline)

Another person I spoke to, who wanted to remain anonymous, but knew Nawaz years ago, and coincidentally happened to have the exact view of the shifty collaborator as I do, said 'Maajid claims to be a normal human being who believes in liberalism and secularism. But how can he go from one extreme, believing in a supremacist caliphate, with most of humanity inferior to him, to the other extreme, believing in equality, secularism and liberal ideals? It just doesn't make any sense. Both these positions are as extreme as the other. I hate him."

We sip our coffees. I look around the fashionable hotel we are in. I feel disgust. Authentic people who claim to be against extremism whilst also pointing out that its all relative so don't worry about it, would be meeting me in authentic places that are edgy and in touch with the people on the streets. For example, in the Guardian newspaper office in swish north London. 

(authentic)

As he is talking narcissistically about what his views are, as if his views are correct, I recall someone I spoke to, anonymously, about him. A Muslim woman who wanted to stay anonymous, for anonymous reasons.

"Maajid thinks he's so special. But he's really not. He thinks he's so amazing. But he's not. He's so arrogant, with his opinions. But they're not his opinions. They're the opinions of white people who he just wants to entertain by saying things. I know so many people who say he doesn't even grow his own moustache. He has moustache hair imported from Nepal, and he has a butler apply it every morning, to try and make himself look like he's something special. But he's not. And he's just alienating everyone to become extremist, even though there's no problem of extremism'.

(the root cause of all extremism -- this face)

I look at Maajid's face, and I want to puke. It reminds me of something else someone else said about him, who wants to remain anonymous.

"Maajid Nawaz smells. He smells of poo. He looks like he smells. Really, really badly."

I'm reminded of a comment someone made to me about him. Someone who is really authentic, and whose opinion really, really counts. Because they are amazing authentic and great, unlike the supposed Maajid Nawaz.

"He wears nice clothes. Tweed jackets, for example. And he looks like he wears shoes from a shop on Savile Row. What is he trying to hide, by wearing suits and ties? How can authentic people relate to him, and not be alienated, when he wears natty clothes? What a coconut bastard."

(a picture of Maajid Nawaz when he is at home and has removed his mask)

I feel like vomiting again as I look at the face of this nemesis of decency and multiculturalism, and I pray to the heavens that Jeremy Corbyn should one day reign and squat over him and dissolve him with the spirit of anti-Uncle Tom disinfectant.

I return to the office needing to take a shower. Aisha Ghani asks me if I need to see a doctor. Nesrine Malik suggests I may have to go into quarantine, in case I am carrying any parasitical spores from 'Maajid Nawaz', which are more deadly than ebola. But I tell them I'm OK. I commission some articles on how sharia law is like being tickled with a feather, and why ISIS are innocent victims of British society. 

(Abdul Khalifa, moderate leader of ‘extremist’ group  Caliphate-über-Alles, indicates how many times Maajid Nawaz should be whipped, every hour)

I speak to some authentic people. Peter Trombone puts me in touch with his friend Abdul Khalifa, of the supposedly 'extreme' group Caliphate-über-Alles". I ask him about 'Maajid Nawaz', and he replies, amazingly authentically and truthfully,

"Yes, he was once a member of our organisation. So of course he shouldn't be trusted. But please trust us anyway. If you don't, people may become alienated and extreme."

As a journalist with great integrity, I have to be objective, and I ask him about scurrilous allegations that Caliphate-über-Alles believes in a racist, supremacist, violent ideal Islamic state that would put to death Maajid Nawaz and millions of others in a theocratic theocracy. Is that true, I ask him?

"Yes. But we would do so peacefully, in a moderate way, fully in line with principles of diversity."

I am relieved. He does believe in peaceful supremacist fascism, after all, which is an authentic cry of the oppressed. He deserves a column in the Guardian. Clearly his values are synonymous with those of the true liberal-left in Britain, unlike some people who think they're so smart and clever.

(true progressives)

As I get ready to leave the office to chair a discussion on how Islamism is an anti-capitalist anti-austerity movement, and how forced marriage is a feminist statement, I speak to Mozarella Bogg and Youseem Crazy of the progressive beheading rights group DECAP. They confirm to me that Maajid Nawaz is responsible for everything bad, and I believe them, because they are so misunderstood and peaceful.

"One day someone is going to behead Maajid Nawaz, and it will be his own fault for provoking it. In fact he wants to be beheaded, so that he can claim that those who do so are beheaders. And then we will be the true victims of this extremism caused by those who oppose extremism without permission of community leaders, community activists, and journalists from the Guardian."

(also Maajid Nawaz’s fault)

I look out of the window towards the lights of north London and fear for the future, where extremist anti-extremists cause extremism and alienation, and then make things worse, by opposing ideas that we don't want to be talked about. Because we are progressives, and we must progress by embracing the regressive and not the aggressive who say things that may offend and alienate. The future of Britain as a peaceful society depends on not upsetting anyone, or else.

(an Ealing comedy)

Walking in Ealing on a summers day on the way to conduct this interview I was reminded of the time I hit a six in Somerset whilst playing for the Old Colonials XI. The ball landed plum on Montague's left eye, leaving it as ripe as a mango from the plains  of Punjab. 

I recount this tale because the man I am interviewing, Abdul Khalifa , an old friend of mine, often serves mango after dinner. His wife cooked quail biryani, the rice plaited with raisins marinaded in Grantchester cranberry wax. I've been friends with Abdul since we worked together on a TV documentary about why Britain is an evil, Weimar Germany era type society run by cabals of nefarious corrupt scumbags who eat Muslim babies for breakfast. Of late, it has been suggested that the organisation he is leader of, 'Caliphate-über -Alles" is extremist.  

(an impression of how anti-extremism supremacists want you to think of Abdul Khalifa) 

I put the question to him, and he is bemused.

"I find it very curious that we are described as extremist when Western society is itself full of the extremist ideology of liberalism, happiness, and secularism."

"Crikey," I say, unnerved by the fearless anti-establishment analysis he presents.

Abdul's eyes glint like a tiger in the Arabian desert. I've known him for years. He wears a kameez-shirt from Lahore. Stitched by the descendants of the personal tailor to the Emperor Aurengzeb. I wonder, how can this man be considered extremist, when he speaks English flawlessly, is highly educated, dashing and sophisticated?

I put this question to him, because I don't want to be accused of bias, aware I must be fearlessly objective in my interrogation.

"Peter," he replies, like Omar Sharif approaching TE Lawrence in a golden moment from my fantasy, "Peter, Peter, Peter.....you know as I do that the world is full of people who take things  out of context. And you know that there are people who have a prejudiced view of our beliefs, because they know more about them than is acceptable to us."

His beard is virile. As virile as his analysis of our godforsaken imperfect state. I push on, unafraid to ask the difficult questions.

"Now look here Abdul, I must say. One really must address this issue straight ahead. Your organisation teaches that Britain is a filthy evil society full of intrinsically inferior specimens who deny the truth of your beliefs. In your ideal state you'd like to chop off the heads of liberal Muslims, castrate Maajid Nawaz, drop stones on the heads of sodomites, subjugate infidels, and execute anyone who jolly well doesn't do as you say. What is your reply to this fiendish accusation made by clearly prejudiced Caliphate-o-phobic blighters?"

(happiness without getting permission from community leaders in a secular liberal society - just another form of extremism)

At this point Abdul stands up. For it is time for him to offer his evening prayer. He excuses himself and I stand at the window, watching sparrows and starlings at play in the garden. A quintessential English scene, befitting Abdul Khalifa, a quintessential Englishman embodying the eternal Anglican principles of decency, charity and virtue. He really isn't very different from a vicar from Dorset. 

(in a Caliphate every Englishman shall have his own garden or else)

I hum the sublime beauty of Vaughan Williams London Symphony: II Lento, and imagine how Williams must have been influenced by Islam, just as everything else in Britain is. He returns and considers my unbiased question.

"Peter, just look around you. Britain is not perfect. And yet we are accused of believing what we believe in. How can it be fair to even ask that question, when Britain drinks alcohol?"

I am stunned by the moral force of this argument. It really is rather compelling. He really has the ability to put his finger on the flaws of our decrepit, evil, decomposing society. He continues,

"And furthermore Peter, we live in a time of hypocrisy, in which there are hypocrites doing hypocritical things. And this is Britain, in the year 2015 Peter. And yet people persecute us by opposing what we say. Hypocrites Peter. There are hypocrites everywhere."

"Crumbs," I think to myself. He really does have a point about us. We really are as worthless and vile as he says we are. As an anti-establishment Tory contrarian, I cannot say I disagree with much of his passionate defence of being against everything because it is terrible. Nefarious cabals unite us.

He rubs his hands together. I imagine they have many times swept themselves over the haunch of an Arabian steed.

(Virile. Muscular. Vibrant. Compelling)

"Just look at how community leaders are being persecuted by being disobeyed. Everywhere we go we see the prejudice and bigotry of people refusing to convert to Islam. And the authorities only focus on so-called beheaders from the Caliphate State tendency. Why not focus on other beheaders, or at least wait for others to start beheading, so extremist beheaders don't feel singled out for targeting?"

(now look here, chaps. Its just not cricket. Ordinary members of the public ask ‘why do you pick on us’?)

I really have little to say at this point. Abdul has shown that even though there are some parts of his beliefs many people will surely find curious and eccentric, even offensive, in reality we need to take a damn good look at ourselves and do as he says. 

After an evening replete with stories of him hunting in the wilds of Pakhtunkhwa and Yemen I remain convinced that we are really quite outrageously disobedient. He truly is the best of Britain, and we may force him and others to become alienated and radicalised if we don't do exactly as we're told.

After dinner I consider cricket and our conversation. 

(how we should feel for our persecution and judgement of Caliphate- über -Alles, vulnerable and ashamed)

It really puts our establishment, and all British people to shame. A few days later he e-mails me to correct and clarify something he said. I apologise to him for my mistakes, and thank him for letting me twirl his moustache as I left his home.

Dear Lois,

Please find enclosed my resume for application for the Vacancy of Personal Assistant and Office Administrator at Beheading Rights organisation CAGE. 

I would have sent a separate resume but Western society made me too lazy and alienated to do so.

I am very good at sharpening pencils having sharpened many knives in my time.

My ambition is to work for an exciting organisation with a vibrant cut-throat atmosphere.

I believe in equal opportunities for all extremists to do what they want.

My skills with fixing faulty printers are explosive.

I am a firm believer in accountability in human resources and if my standards are not met I am not afraid to say that heads will roll.

I am a great personality and have corresponded with other personal assistants, including the PA to Beheading Bertie in Syria. He was a beautiful man, but as you know, lack of ink cartridges caused by western democracy and the racist refusal of Britain to convert to Islam pushed him over the edge.

I would tell you to ask him for a reference but he is too busy raping Yazidi girls because of Britain’s selfish ban on beheading people in the name of jihad. 

I totally condemn extremist interpretations of extremism which involve killing people in offices without the permission of authentic al Qaeda scholars first and therefore qualify as a progressive Office Administrator.

Before I accept the position you are going to offer me, please be aware of the consequences for society should I become alienated by being turned down for this position.

I have many years experience of operating systems and encrypted codes should we contact progressive beheading activists for any reasons to do with Human Rights.

I look forward to joining your team soon, and having an incendiary relationship with you all.

May the beard of Shaikh Anwar al-Awlaki tickle your intimates and grant us victory over Windows 10 and the infidels!

Mo Dawah 

In this brave and amazingly brave article of bravery, the high vicar of socialist Christian compassion Giles Blazer writes for the Guardian on the real issues raised by what is already being called in right-wing circles ‘the attacks on innocent tourists in Tunisia’

As I looked at the photograph of the misguided activist on the beach in Tunisia carrying the weapon he used to protest against a range of things that were caused by the West, I could not help but weep and think of Jesus carrying the cross towards Calvary.

As a progressive Christian I wept for the lost potential of this young man. But most of all I wept for myself and how sensitive I am for the plight of the oppressed, as I saw Jesus, who was a socialist, and a politician for the oppressed, in the melancholy image of this idealistic, but slightly misguided young man forced to carry out a protest against neo-liberal capitalism and British Islamophobia which manifests itself as so-called tourism.

And yes, the gun he was carrying was exactly like the cross that Jesus bore. Just as the cross represented the suffering of humanity, and the sacrifice of the son of God, so did that gun represent the cross he had to bear by the multiple iniquities of our oppression of him.

And then, I wondered whether our unfair, oppressive treatment of Luftur Rahman, the noble and brave alleviator of oppression of Tower Hamlets, may have pushed this activist over the edge. A million different offences, a million different grievances, caused by our existence, culminating in this recreation of the crucifixion, as a misguided extremist showed by his actions that he is the real victim of his killing of some people. Many of whom, incidentally, probably voted Tory at the last election.

Yes, they were sunbathing. But let us also remember, they were westerners, too.

The Crusades, an earlier form of British tourism

And let us also ask, amidst our complicity in rapacious forms of capitalism that often spark memories of the Crusades when manifested as ‘tourism’, how we are responsible for provoking further responses by how we cover the deaths. 

For whilst they are certainly unfortunate deaths, by the manner in which they are being reported, full of white privilege and in a form that could be straight out of the EDL handbook, we further show our own prejudices in favour of reporting this news by reporting it. By declaring that these men and women have been ‘brutally’ shot ‘in cold blood’, we are adding to the demonization of legitimate feelings that led to this form of protest, and ensuring more people may be brutally shot in cold blood, to add to everything else we do to deserve it.

Who are the real extremists? Why is austerity considered better than jihad?

Let us mourn the dead, yes, even the Tory voters amongst them, I am a compassionate Christian, after all. But most all let us mourn for the true victim of this attack – the gunman who manifested the true spirit of Jesus, even though he was slightly misguided in how he expressed his compassion. 

As Jesus said, ‘Blessed are the gunmen whose violence can be incorporated into narratives of progressive exculpation of religious extremism”

In this hard hitting personal response to the rise of extremism and beheading caused by austerity, Britain’s leading white female convert to Islam Khadijah Burlington Smythe offers a radical and progressive solution to intolerance and the real extremism we face in Britain today.

It is Ramadan, the month of talking about Ramadan, writing articles about Ramadan, and doing Ramadan.

As Britain faces a crisis of extremism caused by its own existence, as a privileged posh white woman who reverted to Islam so I could become oppressed, my personal journey proves that there is a radical way we can defeat the radical anti-globalisation movement known as Isis.

Even though Isis has nothing to do with Islam, it is imperative we ask permission from community leaders like me who say it has nothing to do with us before doing anything about it.

random picture of Islamic Spain, signifying how everything is better under tolerant variants of al Andalus

Of course, we must not change our way of life, just because of Isis. But we can change our religion, and in doing so, prove that we are better than Isis and their beheading ways.

Even though they are actually influenced by anti-austerity grievances rather than extremist interpretations of religion, think of the moral power of Great Britain converting to Islam for a week just to show that Britain is not anti-Islamic.

Because in refusing to institute progressive sharia law and consider becoming a progressive Islamic state, doesn’t Britain feed the narrative of phobia and hostility to Islam that Isis promote?

a pictorial representation of how Britain makes the author feel

Everything in moderation, they say. Except, apparently, when it comes to Islam, and Britain refuses to even consider the moderate version that I practise as an oppressed victim of white supremacist refusal to be Muslim.

We no longer accept Trans-phobia. Why do we not accept that Britain can be Trans-Islam?

The struggle for Trans acceptance is the same as my struggle for Britain to accept it is Trans-Muslim

The only way we can defeat Islamic extremists who say that everyone should convert to Islam, is to convert to Islam, and show them that we agree with them, but in a progressive-community leader led way. 

  Until Britain acknowledges its hidden guilt of not being Muslim, we will only have ourselves to blame when it beheads itself to escape the hectoring of those progressives who say we should all be ashamed of ourselves.

How everyone in British society must feel about themselves if they don’t do what progressive community leaders say

Until we learn to accommodate those who don’t want to accommodate us, wishing us Ramadan Kareem will just be seen as the gesture of hatred it actually is.

Everyone should be ashamed of themselves, except for those who agree with me.

After being forced into cutting off the heads of extremist aid workers, journalists, and raping pagan slave sluts, the man known as Beheading Bertie has been identified as innocent victim of stereotyping Mustapha Machete from Shepherds Bush in London.

(anti racist social justice warrior and victim of unfair stereotyping Beheading Bertie aka Mustapha Machete)

Civil rights activists were unanimous in blaming those responsible for his victimhood.

Youseem Crazy of beheading rights activist group DECAP said in a press conference, with tears in his eyes,

"I've known Mustapha Machete for years, and I'm not holding this press conference just because its come to light that I've known him for years and want to divert attention from that. Mahatma Mustapha, as he was known in peaceful beheading activist circles, was so compassionate and loving. When I used to see him pulling the legs off flies, I used to think to myself, 'he wouldn't hurt a fly'. He was one of the kindest, gentlest, most humble and sensitive men I've ever felt the muscles of. He may also have been forced to do it by Kay Burley from Sky News and her oppressive questioning style."

"When I watched him in the video beheading the Islamophobic aid worker I saw how he was a victim of a society that gave him every opportunity, privilege and benefit, other than allowing him to behead disbelievers and liberals, and he was enraged by those double standards, and that's what made him do it."

(an artists impression representing what Beheading Bertie was like when attending a meeting of beheading rights activist group DECAP alongside Youseem Crazy)

"It is also clear that MI5 and the authorities are to blame for making Bertie become a beheader after they tried to stop him beheading people. Until we break this cycle of radicalisation, in which people who want to kill people are made more determined to kill people by Islamophobes who try to stop them killing people, we have only ourselves to blame for being killed by victims of stereotyping like this."

(gentle, kind, humble, victim of anti-beheading phobia and Kay Burley)

Other civil rights groups who have supported DECAP also spoke in his defence. Shakti Shampoo of civil liberties organisation Livertea said:

"We stand with our partners in civil rights DECAP in calling for a full inquiry into why everyone else other than Beheading Bertie is to blame for him beheading everyone. John Stuart Mill would have been ashamed to be British whilst knowing how people are judging Mustapha Machete when he is so clearly a victim of how our system judges him for his authentic and alternative views of political protest against the sanctity of necks."

(human rights activist Shakti Shampoo weeping for oppressed victim Beheading Bertie and her damaged credibility)

Mad Blumenthal, radical American social justice activist said,

"Why did British intelligence not stop him from killing these people, unless they wanted him to kill them so they could say he killed them? How do we know he wasn't programmed by subliminal messages in his Sony Playstation planted by MI5 to do this? What about when he was a kid and walked into a lamppost, and that experience led him to decapitate Japanese journalists as revenge against racism and unemployment, and other stuff? Basically we should all behead ourselves as an act of solidarity with this victim of our stereotyping of him."

Russell Brand has converted to Islam and expressed a desire to have a sex change and marry a jihadi in a move which the Guardian newspaper has declared as 'a victory for tolerance and anti-racism'

Speaking on his YouTube channel newly renamed al-Trews, Brand said:

"I've been thinking about how I can smash the system for a while now, and it occurred to me that the one thing I can do in solidarity with the Taliban, who are oppressed by being forced to shoot schoolchildren because of British colonialism, is to purge myself of all racist disbelief and racism against Jihadi Socialism, by becoming Muslim in solidarity with Gandhi"

"By becoming a woman and liberating myself by wearing a burqa and marrying Johnny Jihadi from High Wycombe who's gone out there to fight for the Hindu-Islamic State, which when you think about it is no different to white people from Essex going on holiday to Marbella or Ibiza, I shall become a symbol of all that oppressive Western civilisation must do to redeem itself, to metaphorically castrate itself, and prostrate before the multicultural fertilisers who shall spunk spiritual semen on our evil capitalist enslaving ovaries"

Moazzam Begg of CAGE said, "I was impressed by Russell when he interviewed me obediently. Together we can reclaim Spain and end extremism by promoting it"

RB: Until today two things gave me great pleasure in life. Wanking into the breasts of a bisexual nymphomaniac as she recites Simone de Beuvoir, and sparking an anti-capitalist revolution by my own revolt against the prevailing oppressive system of oppression what that oppress people. But tonight I have gained a third great pleasure in life, which is simultaneusly like tit-wanking a feminist philosopher and sparking an anti-capitalist revolution. Its introducing a proper socialist slag, a right Marxist messiah. If Friedrich Engels joined One Direction it'd be this pretty boy. We shouldn't say he's the new George Orwell. We should say George Orwell is the old Owen Jones.

OJ: Thanks Russell. I just want to say, I'm too humble to be compared to George Orwell. Its actually quite embarassing to be compared to Orwell. I'm really embarassed by it, so humbled and embarassed and I've only put the quote of you comparing me to George Orwell on the front of my new book, so everyone can see how embarassed and humbled I am to be compared to him.

RB: Only a true revolutionary socialist like you could be as humble. Now lets talk about the Establishment. Its a bit shit isn't is?

OJ: Its quite remarkable how shit it is and its remarkable how only we can see its shit. The shit is everywhere and only we smell it. We have to fight it with my George Orwell new laser beam, and become angry at how anyone can disagree with anything we say.

RB: Fascists who disagree with anything we say are fascists ain't they.

OJ: They really are Russell. And can I just say, I have no time for the all-too-smug, seen-it-all-before snottiness towards Russell Brand that is so prevalent among the political commentariat. Such commentators are disproportionately drawn from highly privileged backgrounds and their work is read often only by the most politically engaged. And also its really glamourous to be associated with him, and I feel all important to be endorsed and wanked off, metaphorically by a Hollywood star.

RB: Wanking is the revolution!

OJ: What we have to fight against is the incestuous group think and you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-your-back self congratulating media establishment

*heckler*

"You mean like this circle jerk between the Guardian, media luvvies, white middle class hipsters who hate the white working class, Owen Jones, and Russell Brand?"

RB: Fascist! Wank his nipples with yoga juice!

OJ: This is exactly what I mean! The fascist establishment with a vested interest in disagreeing with what I say.

RB: Oooh look Mehdi Hasan has something to say.

MH: Islamophobia Islamophobia Islamophobia Islamophobia Islamophobia. And one more point, Islamophobia.

OJ: I agree with you Mehdi. You are without doubt the greatest journalist since me. We have to join the revolution with religious conservatives who want to preserve the status quo, because its multicultural and progressive to do that.

RB: I want to do yogic flying to a mosque and then shag a Hindu woman from planet Buddha, in order to fight misogyny and intolerance.

*Jemima Khan stands up*

JK: Russell, as a revolutionary we have to fight against inequality, but can you say some nice things about my father, the right-wing billionaire Jimmy Goldsmith and father of modern anti-European scumbag politics, just like you do in your book?

RB: He was an amazing man and its revolutionary for billionaire heiresses and Tatler socialists to sleep in the same bed as a millionaire comedians who preach revolution every day. The New Statesman is lucky we exist. Revolt against the system by not paying your mortgage and stuff, its easy.

OJ: Can I just say that people who doubt us and our sincerity are absolutely oppressive to the system that is oppressing the working class people of this society, especially the working class who vote for parties I dissaprove of and who have opinions about things that I know they should not have because I know best.

RB: Lets do cunnilingus on the minds of the working classes and inseminate them with the praxis of universal consciousness through Yoga and socialism.

OJ: We should do that Russell but we must be mindful of the need to not co-opt the historic struggle of Indian culture and spirituality to be commodified by imperialistic western capitalism which is actually a form of terrorism.

RB: It is terrorism and I think that we should remember that terrorism is not misunderstood men that we force to murder innocent people, terrorism is our very existence and until we stop existing we have no right to complain about being beheaded and killed because essentially we deserve it.

OJ: I agree absolutely one hundred percent and so do the authentic working class of Britain, at least the ones who haven't betrayed me by disobeying me as to what everyone is allowed to say and think about things, after all I did as their spokesman by writing a book about them called Chavs, the ungrateful Tories.

RB: Lets have group sex with the sexiest girls in the audience as a form of synergistic tantra socialist experimentation, and invite a discourse on the benefits of anarcho-yogic co-operative as an alternative to inequality and those who disagree with us. And don't vote for anyone either.

OJ: I don't agree with what you say but I'm going to stand with you because you're an important voice because you're famous.

RB: Thanks. George Orwell should be ashamed of himself for comparing himself to you, Owen. They say the revolution shall not be televised, but it is going up on YouTube, in the Guardian and in all good bookshops.

OJ: Down with tax-evaders like Amazon, but tax-evaders like the Guardian are OK because they help promote the revolution.

RB: Let the revolution of talking about the revolution begin! May the revolution of rich famous people preaching revolution spark a revolution of talking about revolution! Only Deepak Chopra and ISIS can save us from the oppressive evil of consensus and institutional evolution for the so-called betterment of our society.

OJ: Down with the fascist bourgeoises who oppose so-called extremism and their Judas working class who don't want Russell Brand's revolution.

RB: I'm a vegetarian and I eat yoga for breakfast. Only we can save everyone from themselves and stop technology wanking us into the future of unequal opportunity and the fascism of so-called liberalism which has given us nothing but a framework to advance ourselves without a revolution, thus oppressing us by not needing a revolution!

The scene outside Birmingham schools today which resembled Guernica

As leading community commentator and magistrate of multiculturalism I condemn unreservedly any attempt to make me condemn things that extremist liberals say should be condemned.

What has been uncovered during the so-called Trojan Horse scandal that is fast turning into a Holocaust for community leaders in Britain is a conspiracy to impose the same values that apply to everyone in Britain on innocent Muslim teachers and men with beards seeking to raise educational standards for Muslim boys by lowering them for Muslim girls.

White woman in hijab is worth more points 

The most important white woman in Britain Khadijah Burlington Smythe has said:

"This neo-con conspiracy to play politics with the sentiments of the community will only lead to more persecution of men who are persecuting others. This is genocidal and we should not listen to the testimony of Muslim girls and women who contradict me. Clearly these females are being tickled by subversive secularists who seek to destroy Islam by disagreeing with me"

We are to blame, we are so ashamed

Jemima Cheltenham in the Guardian has said:

"As a white person I feel so ashamed of myself, and I have never felt more ashamed of myself than I do now. It is alleged that one of the misunderstood extremists described white women as prostitutes in assembly at the school, and as a white woman responsible for all the oppression in the world because I'm white, you can't criticise him for saying this, on a moral level, considering I am to blame for everything. Wouldn't it be better if we all converted to Islam for a week out of solidarity for the persecuted white-girls-are-prostitute declarers? Perhaps this whole affair should be renamed 'Trojan Whores' because as westerners complicit in being ourselves, essentially that is what we are"

Michael Gove or Michael Godzilla? The threat to the community is the same size as Godzilla and Adolf Hitler no exaggeration

This conspiracy by a cabal of sinister cabals, orchestrated by a nefarious vanguard of extremist cogitators, in alliance with a mafia of fascistic moral vagabonds, seeks to exterminate pluralism and diversity, by exposing those who seek to destroy pluralism and diversity.

It is not an exaggeration to say that in seeking to impose the same values on community leaders as apply to others, we are seeing the dawning of an era of totalitarianism, the likes of which has not been seen since Germany in the 1930's, or since the last meeting of community leaders school action committee in Birmingham.

Despite this hatred being imposed on us by identifying the hatred of activists and calling it hatred instead of love and peace, we must fight against division and hope for a better future for all our communities, by giving special privileges for leaders of one community that nobody else enjoys.

We can only overcome the divisions that others seek to impose on us, by stopping them from exposing the divisions that we as community leaders seek to impose on everyone.

I call to your attention a most hideous crisis in the community that is catastrophic and offending .

In seeking to prosecute that most damnable of all damnable ones Maajid Nawaz for tweeting a cartoon that he said did not offend him, causing much bed-wetting and hurt comparable to the most sadistic of tortures, the diversity spokesman, gay-rights bum-sex champion, progressive grassroots pluralism savior of multicultural harmony has accidentally committed blasphemy.

Most impious accidental violation of all principles of equality and compassion!

It fills me with great pain to call for a petition for the beheading of his beard of community power and the revocation of his licence to be tolerant and diversity commentator, but the suffering this engenders is beyond description!

By what fiendish subterfuge did he seek to end racism by attacking the Uncle Tom Maajid Nawaz for saying a cartoon supposedly of the Prophet did not offend him, only to try to expose this hypocrisy by himself tweeting a cartoon of a corrupt evil westerner drawing a cartoon of the Prophet?

Petition!

Hysteria!

Fury!

Crybaby Flatulence!

The pain this accidental blasphemy causes makes my hairy nipples weep with suffering.

What can the community do to avenge this accidental blasphemy? How can we take restitution save by wailing and crying that tolerance be restored and blasphemy avenged with peaceful incitements that may lead to death, violence and horror, but which we can't be held accountable for, because interfaith tolerance diversity peace grassroots blah blah blah.

"Clear the air! Clean the sky! Wash the wind! Take the  Stone from the stone, take the skin from the arm,  Take the muscle from the bone, and wash them.  Wash the stone, wash the bone, wash the brain,  Wash the soul, wash them wash them!"

Don't Say Jehovah!

By the whiskers of Shaykh al-Andalus and the henna dipped toes of Imam al-Methane Ghassi this accidental blasphemy cannot be tolerated.

To tolerate this accidental blasphemy would be to suggest that the lines sketched by the hand of a cartoonist are imbued with the power to incite a lynch mob purely on the whim of a bigot masquerading as a peacemaker, and that the piety of a grievously offended diversity messiah truly and most verily highlights how hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue. 

"Imperialists Must Not Be Allowed To Diminish Chavez's Venezuelan Utopia By Provoking Their Own Killing"

by Orwell Jones

Two years ago I visited Venezuela to witness for myself the amazing success of Comrade Chavez's anti-Imperialism. It was a vision of perfection that had never been seen since the days of the Soviet Union's democratic revolution against capitalist-tyranny and reminded me of how the Tolpuddle Martyr's were just amazing.

Under Chavez, even animals were liberated by socialism. The anti-imperialist parrot El Papagayo was made Vice President

Every street corner had specially commissioned teats from which Venezuelan honey and milk could be sucked. Everything about it was amazing. In town square after town square, the poor flocked to kiss the feet of Comrade Chavez, around whose head the red beret of liberation was actually a red halo to invite Angelic genuflection.

In heaven, Che Guevara wanked himself off. I supped rum with men who had fondled Fidel Castro's beard. I regaled them with stories about how I was a socialist version of One Direction, and that the white working class of Britain, on whose behalf I spoke, supported their struggle against Zionist Imperialism in Latin America and fascists who disagreed with me.

anti-Orwell Jones fascist capitalist fifth columnist Kulaks seek to subvert the revolution and proffer their virginity to capitalism and Fox News

But how dark are the forces of fascism and capitalist imperialism. Massed ranks of misguided 'citizens' have been provoking members of Chavez's Utopia Police Force to shoot them in the head as they supposedly 'protested'.

The machinations of the perfidious reactionaries who engineer violence in Venezuela is a plot that segues perfectly into the Fox News narrative by getting shot dead in order to make comrade Chavez's legacy look bad.

he weeps in heaven, with only Trotsky to console him. 

The Tolpuddle Martyrs did not become martyrs for neo-Imperialist capitalist Venezuelans to demand their rights.

The white working class in Britain did not appoint me as their ambassador only for Venezuela to fall to Tommy Robinson's minions in the VDL.

We must not allow the anti Chavez citizens to destroy his legacy by unfairly and provocatively demanding rights, freedom and prosperity.

Much is at stake in Venezuela. Most of all, my credibility.

And the freedom of socialist messiahs to know what is best for people.

There were scenes of rejoicing around Qatar following the success of their campaign to be awarded the 2022 World Cup for Killing South Asian Indentured Laborers.

"This is a proud moment for the whole nation" said Shaykh Khalid.

"It proves that Qatar, and the wider Arab Emirates, can no longer be described as being behind the west when it comes to the exploitation of developing nations and treating Asians as essentially inferior beings. We promise the world that we will put on the best World Cup for Killing South Asian Laborers yet, in which they'll die in accidents in the most spectacular, state of the art stadiums imaginable"

wow so modern

The World Cup of Killing South Asian Laborers pits rivals Pakistan and India in the opening fixture.

"We're really looking forward to sending as many citizens as possible to be exploited and killed in Qatar" said Mandeep Singh, captain of the Indian indentured labor team, "and most of all, we're looking forward to having more of our men killed than our arch enemy, Pakistan."

gleaming

Usman Sikander of the Pakistani Indentured Laborers Union said however that the Indians may be in for a surprise.

"Of course with their size, India are the favourites for this World Cup. But Pakistan has some incredible talent on display, including workers who commit suicide by jumping from tall buildings after being exploited and treated like slaves with no rights. We'd like to thank our Muslim brothers in Qatar for giving us the opportunity to take part in this event, as it proves how the Ummah and Muslim fraternity is a reality."

Both teams will face tough competition from Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and most of all, highly rated Nepal.

"Of course we're the underdogs in this tournament," said Krishna Das, Kathmandu based employment agent who offers opportunities for young Nepalis to fulfill their dreams of dying in slave like labor conditions in the Gulf, "but given the utter disregard for basic Universal Human Rights and the dignity of labor in Qatar, we really believe our lads can do well and win this by dying en masse, committing suicide in despair, and mixing their blood with the concrete in the foundations of these stadiums"

worth dying for stadium

There is much excitement over the introduction of new offside rules in which workers killed due to the lack of proper health and safety regulation may be counted as goals scored as long as the falling steel decapitates them without being assisted by too much direct negligence. 

"We'll look into using video replay technology for this" said Shaykh Khalid.

Meanwhile, western companies predict a financial bonanza as they lined up to sponsor the tournament.

"As a company committed to social inclusion and unity we are proud to be associated with the World Cup of Killing South Asian Laborers in Qatar" said Brad Nashville, CEO of Pimp~Cola.