u die i die

and then tommy realizes it was billy-- of course it was billy-- who did that to steve, so he drops billy for a bit but it doesn't matter. when tommy tries to catch steve in between classes or at lunch, he just gets the cold shoulder. and when he runs into him after school, he always seems to be carting around some kid in a baseball cap with a loud mouth.

so tommy ends up orbiting billy anyway again because its easy. because billy likes having someone around to echo back his taunts, and if billy sometimes pushes tommy around its okay because tommy likes it, and he'll give it right back.

the first time billy and tommy fuck it's against a wall in some abandoned warehouse by billy's place. they're both angry and horny and who gives a shit if tommy wants to picture steve standing behind him, touching him like that? it's no one's business, not even his own.

that summer, tommy stops by scoops ahoy to tease steve for his girly sailor costume, something low in his stomach thrilling at the sight of harrington's rosy cheeks in that stupid hat. but steve takes one look at him and walks into the back, and a moment later a girl named robin is at the counter, rolling her eyes and asking him if he's gonna stand there gawking or pick a flavor. so tommy leaves, fuming, and if he watches steve from afar while sitting in the food court with carol, what's it to anyone? and when he stops at the pool and watches billy preen for the middle aged moms in their swimsuits, he tries to pretend it doesn't bother him. but he's lonely and angry and hurt anyway.

then the mall catches fire, apparently, and tommy finds out billy died in that fire and he feels something like grief because billy hadn't been nice to him but tommy didn't need nice anyway, he'd just needed someone who wanted him around, which billy had, for awhile. and he freaks out when he hears a rumor that steve had ended up in the hospital after that fire. tries to give him a call-- an old instinct, an old closeness. but steve doesn't pick up and never calls back. steve's name never ends up listed in the memorial section of the paper, so tommy breathes easier. he can't stop checking the paper after that, afraid his nightmares will come true.

--

the next time tommy sees steve, he's working at the Family Video Store and that girl Robin is there, too, and the obnoxious kid with the baseball hat is behind the counter still talking steve's ear off. and steve sees him enter the store and goes stony-faced and looks away. robin intercepts him once again to play customer service, and tommy just shakes his head in disgust and leaves.

and tommy isn't just mad anymore. he's grief stricken. he doesn't understand why steve can't stand to even look at him. billy's gone, and tommy's out of high school and he never even bothered to apply to college, because that's not what hagans do. he's working for his dad's construction company and the guys there are fine but no one pays him much mind. he feels set adrift and lonely and it's too fucking much.

and later that year hell opens its gates in hawkins with the earthquake, swallowing what feels like half the town. and his dad says this is great for business, they'll be busy for months, plenty of construction work. but people are leaving hawkins in droves while they still can, smoke rising in the air, and tommy is sure steve is leaving with his parents-- why would the harringtons stay, anyway? they've always had one foot out of hawkins.

even carol leaves, escaping in the final days before the military quarantine really starts. tommy and carol had been on again off again for over a year since billy, but when she leaves for real the loneliness sets in in full force. all tommy has anymore is work. so when he hears "rockin robin" on the radio reference her friend steve on the sound effects, tommy thinks "no fucking way." it's just wishful thinking.

but then he sees steve driving around town in the radio van with that same fucking kid in the baseball cap. and tommy doesn't get it, he could have sworn he heard mr. and mrs. harrington had fucked off to chicago or something. so tommy pulls up beside them while they're at a stoplight, rolls down the window and wiggles his fingers in lazy greeting-- "hey harrington, new ride?"-- and steve ignores him, not even bothering to roll down the window. the kid in the baseball cap gives him the finger.

---

then it's the fourth of july, three months after the quarantine started and the military is trying to keep the peace so while there's no town fair like last year, there's some government sanctioned fireworks down at the high school that people gather around for. tommy goes with some guys from construction, but he quickly loses them after a few beers, sick of trying to make dull conversation.

he spies steve perched on the hood of his beemer, watching from the parking lot as the fireworks set off. he's alone, and tommy approaches again because he doesn't know how to stay away.

it's been a year since billy died and he feels something sick and twisting at his core, billy's voice mocking him as he approaches, telling him he's such a freak for harrington, always has been. and tommy knows he was right, knows it as he taps steve lightly on the shoulder with a can of cold beer, wet with condensation. steve startles, going tense, and he doesn't relax when he sees tommy. his face is unreadable in the late evening shadows, form outlined in bursts of color as the fireworks explode in the distance.

"here alone, harrington?" tommy asks casually, still holding out the beer in offering. nothing mocking or rude, but steve is suspicious as he accepts the beer, fingers brushing his momentarily.

steve stares at the can in his hands. he cracks it open before responding, "drove some friends here, but i wanted some time alone."

tommy thinks the word "alone" might be pointed, but he ignores it. "i wanted to be alone, too."

"oh yeah?" steve's voice is distant, guarded. military vehicles rumble past in the distance, the MPs keeping an eye on the Hawkins crowds.

"yeah," he says, leaning against the hood beside steve without waiting for an invite, side by side facing the fireworks.

they sit alone together, sipping their beers. at some point, tommy asks about steve's parents, and steve confirms they left before the quarantine orders.

"yeah, carol and her parents left, too." tommy says quietly, and steve finally looks at him at that, something sharp and searching in his gaze.

"shit, dude, i'm sorry," steve says at last.

"yeah well. it's crazy to stay." tommy says dully. "i mean, my dad's company is here and there's plenty of work to do, so i have my reasons. not sure why you did, though."

"i'm crazy, i guess." steve leans forward on his knees, clearly lost in his thoughts.

tommy wants to say something to steve, but the words feel caught in his throat. beside, he's not sure what he'll say. that he misses him? that's pussy shit. so he chews his lip instead and for a few minutes pretends they're just steve and tommy again, best friends like they've been since they were kids. better at being than talking.

when the firework show ends, tommy hops off the hood of the car, hip brushing against steve's knee as he does. "hey, i'll see you around?"

steve shrugs. he's watching something over tommy's shoulder, and he turns around to see a group of younger teens walking toward them, laughing and talking. the curly haired kid with the baseball cap is with them, looking as stormy as tommy feels.

he feels the old meanness growl up from inside him. "i guess i'll leave you to chauffeur your children, then," tommy bites out before storming away.

"what's with that asshole?" he hears the curly-haired kid say to steve, but tommy doesn't hear what steve says back.

he doesn't get it. doesn't get steve, not like he used to. steve has left him feeling off kilter ever since nancy wheeler and junior year. ever since steve called him an asshole for doing the thing tommy thought steve wanted him to do.

no one's ever been good enough for you, huh steve?

--

the quarantine makes the already dull town of hawkins feel even duller. nothing new comes in, and no one goes out. it's a ghost town, the people left behind trying to hold onto normalcy with clenched fists.

months later, to his surprise, its steve that seeks tommy out. he shows up outside of tommy's house in his beemer, a pack of beers on the back seat. "want to catch up?" steve asks, and tommy feels a fierce grin tug at his own lips in response, a dangerous joy catching in his throat.

they drive to the edge of town, pulling off the road right before the barbed wire fences of the military border zone cut them off from the wide open fields beyond. steve and tommy tramp into the woods like old times again, seeking out skull rock.

tommy pulls out his cigarettes and offers one to steve. "i don't smoke anymore," steve says, but he accepts it anyway. "my friend robin hates it."

"well she's not here, is she?" tommy grins cheekily.

they settle into the hollow of skull rock, sitting in the place where the jaw gapes open. it's a hungry place, skull rock. tommy helps steve light up and they crack into their beers. they talk for once. tommy tells steve about billy and carol, and all the assholes who left him behind. steve talks about his friend dustin and his grief, how it makes him mean and angry. tommy doesn't recognize the name, but he figures he knows who it belongs to. the jealousy curdles in him like sour milk.

"it's like we can't stop biting each other's heads off," steve says. "and i'm pissed all the time at a dead man, like it's his fault for dying."

"yeah, i get it," tommy says, thinking of billy.

tommy used to think grief was a thing that brought people together, but now he knows he was wrong. grief just leaves people reeling and alone, ripping their own guts out because they need to hurt. because they need the world to know that they hurt, and to hurt the world back.

talking about his friend, steve sounds heartbroken and confused, and it reminds tommy of junior year again-- steve's seething anger and pain when he realized nancy didn't need him the way he wanted her to need him.

"your friend sounds like an asshole," tommy says easily. he knows he's an asshole, too. knows steve is used to assholes. attracts them to him, whether he realizes it or not.

"yeah," steve agrees, and there's something harsh in his tone. "aren't we all."

tommy touches steve first. he reaches across and runs a hand through his hair, tugging just enough to make it hurt. steve sucks in a breath but doesn't say anything as tommy leans in, just closes his eyes and lets it happen. their lips meet and steve tastes like beer and cigarette smoke and something else that's just steve, sweet and familiar. in the shadows of the woods and the cocooning silence of the rock, they lose themselves again like they did when they were thirteen and tommy had begged steve to show him how to kiss.

after, steve looks sad as he drops tommy back off at his house. tommy hopes they'll do it again. says as much.

steve shakes his head, "i don't know, man."

and tommy just huffs at that-- a sharp exhalation of breath as he turns on his heel, not wanting steve to see his face. "sure, harrington."

--

tommy's an attack dog looking for someone to attack. that's why he waits around outside of hawkins high later that week, looking for tell tale curly hair and a baseball cap. when he does, he swoops in behind the kid and grabs the handle bars of his bike, tugging it away from him before he can react.

"you friends with harrington?" tommy asks, a sneer playing on his face as he reels on the kid. looks him up and down-- short and kind of weird looking, features soft and doughy. the familiar cruelty of high school rears up in him like it's never left.

the kid stiffens, eyes narrowing as he considers him right back. "what's it to you, asshole?"

"what's he see in you, huh?" tommy tips the bike over, giving the front wheel a spin as it lies there on its side. "you a charity case or something? some way he can feel good about himself?"

"fuck you," is the kid's only response, hands curling in fists at his side.

tommy hopes he swings first. is dying for him to make the first move, so he can pummel the shit out of him. it would be easy, oh so easy.

and the kid-- dustin, it's gotta be-- looks just as ready for a fight. looks like he wants an excuse to get hit.

"if i'm steve's current charity case, i think you were his first," dustin says, words dripping and cruel. "but he dropped you like the pile of shit you are." the kid tries to shove past him on the way to his bike, but tommy doesn't budge. grabs him by the sweater collar instead and drags him in close.

"steve tell you all about me, huh?" tommy asks, their faces inches apart. "bet he'll drop you, too." he wants to shake him up. make him piss his pants a little. but the high schooler's eyes are dull, practically bored. he's got healing bruises on his face already, like he's used to getting into fights.

"no, he never talks about you," dustin replies with a condescending smile. he sniffs. "i can just smell the shit on you."

so tommy gives him a black eye, and the kid doesn't even care. just shouts abuse at him as he drives off.

--

the next time tommy sees steve, they're both at a gas station. steve comes up to him and swings first. tommy lets him. lets him shove him to the ground and pummel him, right there in broad daylight. hawkins is so desolate that there's no one around to notice.

"i'll fucking kill you if you touch him again," steve snarls, and tommy laughs through the blood in his mouth. of course, this is about that freak. he stares at the blood and bruises on steve's knuckles, inches from his face. for one wild moment imagines kissing them, and the thought startles him back into his body. the asphalt is cold and unyielding against his back.

"look at me, hagan," steve says, shaking him by the shirt collar.

tommy does. he meets steve's eyes, those same brown eyes that had stared at him in soft wonder and sadness beneath skull rock. steve looks like he could kill him now. tommy wishes he would.

"i hear you, steve," tommy breathes. steve's fingers curl in his shirt even tighter, almost choking him, before releasing.

just as suddenly as it all began, steve stands up. tommy misses the weight of him. he stays on the ground as steve stalks back to his car, feeling the blood roar through his ears as pain throbs through his face and body.

steve doesn't need an attack dog anymore, tommy realizes as he watches steve drive off.