*screams Into The Void*

I hate not being independent I hate how much I have to rely on others to do basic tasks each day sometimes I just hate it all ugh

I just feel so stupid and useless all the time. The worst part of it is being self aware. I’m so hyper aware I act more like a sixteen year old than an almost 23 yo and I’m horrifically embarrassed by that. And then I start bullying myself for that train of thought because how pathetic am I to wallow in that kind of self pity?

I feel even worse because compared to some I am so so lucky to have as much independence as I do. I feel guilt for complaining.

It doesn’t help that some people I rely on inadvertently and often unintentionally make me feel like a failure or an idiot for needing so much support. It’s not like they’re trying to hurt me. They just get frustrated with me and that’s fair. I’m just exhausted. I wish I was still a child. Growing up is so unfair when mentally it feels like you’re still growing. And I’m so confused as to why I’m still stuck here at age sixteen. What’s wrong with my fucking brain? Why can’t I just understand and be fucking normal?

Autism isn’t a superpower, it’s a disability. I wish people would acknowledge that, because maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself. There’s nothing wrong with being disabled, but people seem to think there is for some reason. I don’t want to be fixed, I just want to feel less awful.

I had this dream where I was watching this rly disturbing film. It was about this guy kidnapping and brutalizing and eating people because his dad died and he thought death was the worst thing anyone could experience. He said something like “torture? Meh. My mum dying? Eh. But my dad’s funeral? I’m like “no”!”

He was like 16 with long ish black hair, slightly chubby and had a black hoodie and jeans. he was kidnapping and torturing the parents of other highschool kids. I think he was trying to push people to the brink to see how far life would go but it’s dream logic so take that as you will. Lowkey he was eating people before his dad died tho.

All the while a small group knew about him and was trying to connect the kidnappings with him. One of them was this blonde ponytail girl who’d been horrifically bullied by this other girl (I *THINK* the ex bully was in on the kidnappings but idfk) and so she beat her up and tortured her for information and revenge. Sort of a “this is how it feels” type thing. I think she lobotomised her. I was watching this movie on a cruise ship while we went into Antarctica I think. In the end the guy was caught and killed I think by the group and the police ruled it self defense.

Oda in the middle connects the three, with him removed the connection falls apart.

Psyculturists on YouTube pointed out Dazai’s eyes are closed. The only one not seeing the full picture.