King_Chiliarch

~Plato’s The Symposium.

Oh god, the accents were hilarious. I have no idea why Angelina Jolie aka Olympias had a butchered modern Eastern European accent, but it killed me. I mean, Epiros was to the west of Macedonia, but I digress. 

One of my professors from when I studied abroad did his Oxford tutorial with Robin Lane Fox and he had a lot of “interesting” things to say about RLF (yikes). One of them was about the accents in the Alexander movie, supposedly they were different to show regional variation and were based on Irish accents because Colin Farrell was shit at doing accents (which is weird since he’s done an American accent in other stuff I think- as you smartly pointed out). 

But I still don’t quite understand it either. It may be a ~mystery of the universe~.

And yeah, it’s very difficult to reconstruct what different dialects of ancient Greek might have sounded like, but I think we all can agree it wasn’t the accents in that movie. 

SO I googled it to see if there was any info I missed (there wasn’t to my knowledge), but I did find some gems by searching ”bad accents Alexander 2004:″

Someone’s not pulling any punches damn

Between Macedonians and other Greeks, he [Colin Farrell] saw not so much a conflict between cultures as one between classes, with other Greeks looking down on these wild northerners, like English looking down on the Irish. To underline the conflict, Oliver had cleverly opted for Irish and Celtic accents for his Macedonian stars. If Greeks like Aristotle were thought of as speaking ‘king’s English’ from the centre of an old culture, the Macedonians would be clearly placed on the fringes by their Celtic voices. It might seem an easy choice for Colin who was born an Irishman, but the years in Hollywood had superimposed an American accent on him. He had to work hard to recover his original intonation. In the emotional scenes, there was the constant anxiety that it would slip.

Also,

By mid-August, Oliver had his main cast, but there was still the need to match their voices into an agreed type of speech.... Oliver decided to go for English with a regional accent: Welsh (Hopkins and Elliot), Scottish (Rory) and Irish for other main players, with educated voices like Aristotle representing the centrally ‘received pronunciation’. The choice gave viewers the sense (shared by many in antiquity) of Macedonians with a northern Greek tone.... Oliver had chosen a strongly Irish supporting cast, but their regional Irish varied (Ian was from Belfast, Denis from Cork), and Colin’s Irish had been superimposed by his years in California. For Jared Leto, the entire accent had to be learned from scratch.  During the intense scenes of his death at Pinewood, Jared would pace the London streets after dark, declaiming lines to keep his Irish and his energy in place. During the Christmas break, he was so afraid that he would slip back into ‘Californian’ that he went to Ireland instead, playing tapes every night of the accent he had to retain.

Finally,

★ Sketch+Shading Commissions ★

Characters: Alexander and  Hephaestion (from the “Alexander” movie).

For @king-chiliarch​ and @phaifan.

Actually that’s one of my favorite interviews with him. It’s from 2004, just before Alexander was due out. Jared was still reliant on film roles, financially. He was also being hounded with gay rumors at the time and trying hard to say enough without saying it all.

He actually says: If I saw a man and I was attracted…I would probably follow through with it. Of course, that’s easy for me to say now. If it happened, maybe it would be a confusing and difficult thing, considering the world that we live in.

The very notion that he, up until this point in the industry and press has only been identified as a straight male, in his mid 30s, is aware enough to describe that very intense, precise, terrifying feeling people who are struggling with coming to terms with their sexuality feel - says enough.

Because it’s not the fact that he mentions coming to terms with it internally as being confusing or difficult, or that he is turned off by the idea of being with a man, actually the opposite  – it’s what he notes would be the real issue for him in regards to exploring his sexuality: what others would think.

“Considering the world we live in.”

This little bit of a sentence he tattled off like nothing, when it’s so very obvious he has spent time thinking on, has always been what has drawn me to him - as a human being.

People are quick to write him off as a derp or a modelizer or a guy just perpetually taking advantage of women in his life - and I just don’t think they’re getting the whole picture.

The fact that he is able to put into words that very isolating, terrifying feeling that all people who are not living a “traditional” love life feel - based entirely on the judgement the external world pushes on them because they live outside the “normal” box - is something that I don’t think many straight males would understand let alone be able to voice so eloquently.

Nor describe in such a way that doesn’t at all condemn or judge a man having such inclinations, but put the blame on society not being able to understand and accept it.

Accept him.

Look. There are a lot of people who will want to stone me for even typing this shit out - but - consider the timeframe of this interview, published in September 2004. Probably written sometime in July, August. He was probably interviewed sometime in June.

He had just spent from September 2003 thru March 2004 filming Alexander on location, playing Colin Farrell’s confidant and love of his life.

During this time, Jared was also writing most of the songs that would become “A Beautiful Lie”. Listen to that album - probably the most-intimate of any of his work, previous and since - and try to tell me he wasn’t already finding himself attracted to a man and definitely following through with it. The entire album is about a man coming to terms with himself - his needs, wants, and desires - his fears, his hesitations, his loss.

You’re likely the kind of person who thinks “A Modern Myth” is about a fan.

I’ll just leave this bit of the original “Alexander” script here:

Or think that this selfie from Thailand in April 2014 didn’t mean much - despite being taken on the same beach a few of the Alexander crew (including Jared and Colin) vacay’d at following filming, just about a decade to the date in 2004:

@oliver-the-great I made this reply a proper post so I could easily save it. Disclaimer: I’m a white guy who was born thousands of years before rap (as I said before with my Ode to Bucephalus, my talent is in war and not in prose and/or lyrics), but I gave it my best shot. Imagine Hephaistion and Bucephalus laying down some sick beatboxing as backing to this rap.

Not Alexander the Great, I’m Alexander the Greatest, Rolling with my Companions, if you’re jealous don’t hate us. The temple of Artemis burned on the day of my birth, And foretold my conquest of the motherfucking earth.

My dad’s a prick, only king of dick. (Fuck you, Dad) Even criticized the way I sing, Philip may be the general but I’m the goddamn king. (Fuck you, Dad)

When I was 10, Demosthenes talked shit about me, Mocked my music and debate to the Athenian assembly. At least I’m not a little bitch who fled from battle, Casting off his weapons like a goddamn coward, Against a worm Demosthenes would be overpowered. (Fuck you, Demosthenes)

I still can’t believe that little douche, Ptolemy, Blabbing about the time I got dysentery. I’m dead, just let me have some dignity. (Fuck you, Ptolemy)

Defenders said I couldn’t conquer the Sogdian Rock, What utter bullshit and poppycock. Said I’d only succeed if my men could fly, So I sent my best climbers to try. Turns out my men do have wings, Now bow down bitches for the King of Kings. (Fuck you, Rock)

Motherfuckers at the Hyphasis tell me to chill, “Conquering, we’ve had our fill.” (Fuck you, Army) “We want to go home,” they whine and moan, Surrounded by people and I still feel alone. (Fuck you, Army)

Everyone bows when I come in, Kneels down and kisses the signet ring, ‘Cause I’m the motherfucking King of Kings. I’m the greatest military commander in history, Caesar, Pyrrhus, Napoleon all worship me, But sadly my death wasn’t a glorious mystery.  (FUCK YOU, TYPHOID)

This is a very nice question, and both you and your friend sound lovely. Yes, fish always make good gifts for friends. Good memory on that one! My suggestion (since fish are out and I am assuming you can’t make her a god): I would recommend buying her a nice print of the Pella hero votive to Hephaistion. You can frame it yourself if you want to (and maybe include a package of Swedish fish for a joke), and I think that it would be a nice and heartfelt gift. And who wouldn’t want a picture of Hephaistion?!

Also, I am extremely partial to that votive because it has an inscription that says, “To the Hero Hephaistion from Diogenes.” The Ancient Greek text looks like this: ΔΙΟΓΕΝHΣΗΦΑΙΣΤΙΩΝΙΗΡΩΙ (Diogenes Hephaistioni Heroi). Diogenes was just a random person who offered the votive to Hephaistion at the hero cult. This votive was found at Pella and is archaeological proof that Hephaistion had a hero cult and was worshipped as a divine hero. That makes me very happy!

Here is a link to a nice print: Hephaistion Votive Print

It comes in different sizes and it also has international shipping. I am sure that there are other prints online of the votive, too, if the price is not to your liking. Unfortunately, the dating of the votive (330-315 BCE) on the site is wrong. This would not have been made before 324 BCE (Hephaistion’s death), as he was of course not worshipped as a divine hero before his death. The votive is usually dated to around 323-300 BCE.

I don’t mind elaborating at all! Unfortunately, I don’t have her dissertation right now (I have read it, but the file was lost in the gloriously failed computer siege and in my unsuccessful attempt to find it I answered this question much later than I wanted to), but her other writings are quite consistent with her assessment of Hephaistion in her dissertation. I certainly do not harbor any negative thought towards Zimmerman, since I’m glad that at least one scholar actually likes Hephaistion. However, I disagree with her analysis and bias when looking at ancient sources. Buckle up everyone, this post is about to get rough.

The main issue is this: Zimmerman falls prey to the general academic failure amongst scholars of myself who ignore Hephaistion’s military contributions, presumably because of their own assumptions about our relationship. Unlike others, Zimmerman does not do this with malice, but her scholarship still is flawed in its view of the ancient sources. I feel that scholars are willfully ignorant when looking at the ancient texts. They especially like to skip over the “Hephaistion returned with his army from his mission, having conquered a large part of India” in Diodorus 93.1. 

In her article “The Cult of Hephaistion” (sadly not about his hero cults, but I digress), Zimmerman’s assessment of Hephaistion in military matters is clear:

“The evidence suggests that [Hephaistion] was meticulously kept away from combat command” (199).

Are you fucking kidding me? Hephaistion was the commander of the goddamn Companion Cavalry, but he was supposedly kept away from combat command? Does Zimmerman realize the huge lack of critical thinking that is needed here to make that leap in logic? And her explaining away Hephaistion’s command to “subdue” peoples in Sogdiana as “not a combat assignment at all” is laughable at best. Common sense time: Why the hell would I let someone be my second-in-command and be my somatophulax and have the best command in the army if I wanted to keep him away from COMBAT? And she also states that commanding the Companion Cavalry was not a combat command. The cognitive dissonance here is strong.

“One case does exist where [Hephaistion] commanded singularly in combat, but it was a surprise attack” (198).

Ah yes, I seem to have forgotten the many independent missions that Hephaistion went on that are actually recorded. You know, when he was in charge of large parts of the army multiple times that specifically involved combat (Arrian 6.6, 4.16.2, etc.)  Or that one time he sieged a city in 30 days (Arrian 4.23). No big deal, right? Also her presumptions about Hephaistion singularly commanding the “surprise attack” in Pattala that Zimmerman mentions here are not consistent with her reasoning about other missions. And she assumes that the multiple times Hephaistion led the bulk of the army (Arrian 6.3, 6.28.7, 6.13.1, 6.17.4 and many other instances) involved absolutely no combat at all. /sarcasm. Give me a fucking break.

These standards are not applied to any of my other generals. I have never seen this level of criticism leveled at Krateros or Ptolemy or Perdikkas, since they are usually the only other officers people seem to be aware of. I also don’t know why scholars (including Zimmerman) seem to think that commands with more than one officer are somehow not certified combat commands™ and make the commanding officer a shitty combat commander™. If those standards were applied to me then scholars could say, “Oh, well, Alexander didn’t independently command these combat missions, since he also had Perdikkas or Ptolemy or whoever with him.” I mean, really.

I am so sick and tired of everyone attempting to say that Hephaistion was somehow unskilled, bad at combat, or any of the asinine things that scholars state about him. The ancient sources didn’t doubt his fucking skills, I didn’t doubt his skills, so why in the fresh hell are modern scholars constantly trying to discredit him? 

“Hephaistion’s talents were supportive, his leadership not particularly notable in combat, and his role in Alexander’s life most closely mirrored a spouse- but he was not a spouse, at least not formally.” (201)

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. This is one of the most stinking pieces of bullshit that I’ve ever read, and I’ve read Paul Cartledge. How did Hephaistion resemble a spouse at all? Did he sit around the women’s quarters all day weaving and waiting for me to come home from war? Did he birth me a strong male heir? Did his father give me a hefty dowry when we went off to Persia together? NO. NO HE DID NOT. Zimmerman is operating on a flawed modern assumption that projects her own views of relationships onto my friendship with Hephaistion. We are both men. Men did not get married back in our time. Therefore, there is no way that he could “mirror a spouse” unless viewed entirely from a modern view. And even that is flawed, since modern relationships usually do not include polygamy. So this entire sentence is full of more shit than the Augean stables Herakles had to clean.

This unwillingness to recognize Hephaistion’s contributions can perhaps be traced to the modern view of our relationship and modern issues of sexuality, as Zimmerman just showed so clearly. Hephaistion is frequently feminized in modern media (coughAlexander2004cough), and also in modern scholarship. Zimmerman does this by purposefully omitting Hephaistion’s military contributions and saying that he only was good at the things “seen as a woman’s role.” The same feminization happens with the modern interpretation of Patroklos, just look at Song of Achilles where he is portrayed as a terrible warrior, unlike in the Iliad. Honestly, I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal and gets upset about if Hephaistion and I had a sexual relationship or not- we Macedonians certainly didn’t care about that kind of thing back in the day. We weren’t as uptight as others *cough*Athenians*cough*. And for the record, Curtius certainly thought Hephaistion was manly. Scholars also (generally) like me and want me to be a shining beacon of greatness that they can all aspire to be yet completely fail to emulate. They don’t really want to think that my second-in-command was also brilliant and a badass, since that would somehow make me less amazing in their minds. This is idiotic; Hephaistion is and was glorious. Bridge the Indus and get over it, people.

Yes, I am always willing and happy to give my opinion on works about my life.

Well, I had not read this book before, so I just previewed it on google books (yes, I am pretty internet savvy for an old guy, thank you very much).

WHERE DO I EVEN START?

Brace yourselves, I’m going to go on a tirade:

Well, my first thought was that this book is not very well written. “She can feel his hard strong body against her wet clothes, sending tingles all across her skin.” This book makes Stephanie Meyer look like Homer. 

I definitely don’t have a twin, if it’s a secret then it’s an extremely well kept secret since even I never knew about it… I did have a younger sister named Kleopatra, but she was my only full sibling.

I don’t really understand any of what this book is supposed to be about or what is happening. If I don’t even know what the hell is going on in a book about my own life, then something is very wrong.

And dear god the names. Why does the author call me “Alex” and Hephaistion “Heph.” Did she get too lazy to type out our full names or something? Pro tip: find + replace in word documents. It’s not difficult.  

Um, did I read correctly, and was Hephaistion fucking my (fake twin) sister AND my half-sister in this book?! What the flying fuck. I don’t even know where to start with that one. I will just say that I was the only one in the Macedonian royal family that Hephaistion was having sex with, thank you very much.

Why is this book more “no homo” than a frat party? I mean (if we’re going by modern terminology), I’m not gay, but I’m sure as hell not straight, either.

And I told Hephaistion that “pride was his downfall?” How much of a fucking hypocrite am I in this book?

Uh, I have never heard of this “Zofia”. And I did not have an arranged marriage at all. I actually tried to have the daughter of a satrap of Caria marry me instead of my half-brother Arrhidaios (because I was afraid that that marriage meant that I wasn’t the heir, I was being a bit silly and paranoid) and then my friends got exiled when my father found out (see Plutarch 10.1-5). Just no to all of this.

Gladiatorial sports are Roman. There was no gladiatorial combat in my day in Macedonia, let alone one so clearly ripped off from The Hunger Games/Battle Royale (yes, I do have some pop culture knowledge). And Hephaistion certainly wouldn’t have competed in one. Or lost one.

I wasn’t weak in the left leg, I had no physical handicaps that would make me unfit to rule and lead an army. And by the way, the head tilt was just artistic license in sculpture to make my portraits stand out and was also because when I got tired my head would tilt to the side.

WHAT THE HELL DID SHE SAY ABOUT HEPHAISTION? Hephaistion was not a murderer at all as a child, that’s ridiculous. We grew up together in Pella because his father was a member of the Macedonian nobility. This makes my anger hit the level of Achilles. βάλλ’ εἰς κόρακας, Herman.

I don’t think that I would be as blindingly furious about this book if the author did not claim to be a historian and to base this book on history: 

She’s less of a historian than Bucephalus was. This book should just have been stated to be fantasy with hardly “a bit” of history, not to be historical fiction. Because “historical fiction” implies that actual history is consulted. This wouldn’t have helped the dreadful prose, but at least it wouldn’t be quite as insulting and blatantly inaccurate. 

I usually try to be not too negative about fictional books that are written about me, because I appreciate that the authors like me so much and dedicate their time to writing about my life. But in this instance I can’t.