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I have been in inpatient behavioral health since last Tuesday night. Everything just collapsed on me and I couldn’t deal with it. I have done screenings for ocd and ptsd, both showing increased likelihood of those disorders. They’ve talked about possible medications, though I’d really like to explore non-medication options. I’ll be discharged tomorrow. Yesterday and today they gave me an off post pass to spend time with Ben and the kids. It’s been so nice getting out... and away from prison toilets. And not being treated like I’m a child/watched at all times/etc. I was resistant at first, but I think it has been helpful. I feel less stressed and overwhelmed, and hopefully that can continue outside of here. In there is a sterile environment. None of my stressors are there, so obviously I have been fine while here. It’s everything on the outside I’m afraid of. And Ben is likely getting shipped right out to the field when I come home even though his vehicle has been signed over to a different unit and he isn’t allowed to do his actual job. Command said they had no use for him out there, but 1st sgt wants numbers. That’s why I ended up here. Cause he was told no, you’re not going and then last minute 1st sgt said pack your shit. He got to stay back on a family crisis situation and he’s going to talk to someone about a compassionate reassignment so I’m not alone when he’s gone since it has gotten to the point that I wanted to kill myself. Who knows. This is the first time I’ve ever reached out for help from medical professionals. I’ve always lied on those ppd questionnaires. I’ve always lied when asked if I felt suicidal, depressed, etc. I’m trying to not give into the stigmas and be mad at myself. I did the right thing. For once, I did the right thing and because of that I am here. I’m worried about leaving and going back home, but I am so ready to be home.

I hate ppd.

I need help but no one can help me.

Listening to taps holding my newborn baby on a rainy night ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ The only thing that could make this better is if Ben were here.

Things I didn't plan on doing today: having a baby 🙃👶🏻

So I haven't updated in basically forever because life. And when I'm not life-ing, I'm attempting to sleep. But I'm 38+5 today (7/21/17). So any day now. They'll only let me go to 41 weeks, so at most just two more weeks for me. I'm so not ready. I'm terrified. I'm going to be alone and that's so much scarier now that I'm actually at the end of pregnancy. I've had a baby both ways, I know what to expect. But I am fucking terrified. Terrified of having a bathroom baby, terrified of rupturing, terrified of vaginal birth, terrified of a c-section, terrified of being alone for delivery. Terrified of being alone with three kids. ALL. OF. IT. We finally have both names picked. Surprise. Cause I honestly thought we'd never have a boy name. And even the boy name we settled on, I'm like "meh" about. I just hate boy names. Hate them. Really hope we have a girl. I can't handle three boys. Plus ben, cause he's basically still a teenager. I really just want to sleep. The boys have been such little shits lately, the cat won't leave me alone/stop attempting suicide/stop meowing, everything in my house is annoying me or trying to break. I just can't right now. Can't deal with it all. But I don't have a choice. So I'm going to go into labor fucking exhausted and irritated with everything/everyone. I no longer have placenta previa, the placenta moved up enough that I've been cleared to TOLAC. Hopefully ending in a successful vbac, cause how the hell would I do c-section recovery with three kids alone? I could barely fucking walk after Aaron was born via c-section. Placenta accreta is still a possibility but I guess we won't find out until delivery, so that's super awesome 🙄I feel smaller this time, which makes sense since they estimated baby in the 18th percentile. But they're not concerned, so I guess that's good. When I look in a mirror though, I look huge. I got maternity photos done this time. Third baby, first time getting maternity photos. She'll also be doing the birth photos. Idk if this is my last. Probably. If we have another boy, we'll just adopt a girl cause I'm never trusting Ben again. I've been feeling very anxious and annoyed. Physically, lots of back pain. Like rivaling back labor with Aaron. Some instances of "contractions" but no pattern. Active labor contractions to me feels like I'm starving and it's just continuous discomfort. Which is why I'm afraid of having a bathroom baby. Because I have to call my MIL when I go into labor and she has to drive down (2 hours because she won't drive over 65) to watch the boys. I can't go to the hospital until she gets here. So I can't have false alarms. Hopefully my water just breaks like it did with Aaron, at least then I'll know for sure lol. I've also gotten some not so nice symptoms. And restless legs which make sleep even more difficult. My SIL is also due any time now. She's a week behind me 😂 But knowing my history of going over 40 weeks, she'll probably have a baby first which is totally fine with me. I'm so not ready for this. How am I going to manage three kids on my own for months? Ryan is still a difficult kid. Like newborn in a two year old body difficult. It's ridiculous. I'm so scared.