Kimie

(Edited to say: oh my this is such a long story. If one person reads it, why would you read my long boring sad stories? Thank you for seeing me. My post really could've stopped after the first paragraph.)

My only birth was at a hospital and my experience was something I'd never repeat again. I had a fantastic obgyn. The support staff were weird and cold. They also handled me roughly. I went in when my water broken. My sister and my best friend met us at the hospital. They found me a wheelchair and the ER staff tells them to take me to the maternity ward. We pull to the nurses station, im actively having a contraction. Im also squirming around uncomfortable because my pants are soaking wet from the slow leak, my mucus plug was long gone. The nurses are having a conversation. My husband interrupted them with an excuse me. A nurse frowned and asked what we were there for. I say im in labor (they're all answering she's in labor). They make me fill out paperwork. Luckily my husband tookover that part. I was kind irritated at him because he took a different route to the hospital and got lost. At this point im uncomfortable, wet, cold and in pain. My anxiety kicks in and I start getting scared. i didnt want to push him out. She got real when those contractions started. I was not ready at 22 at all to have this baby. My son was 3 weeks earlier than expected.

I spent at least 3 hours in triage, they swabbed between my legs so many times i cant remember. I was starting to question their competence because it seemed like so much checking when the amniotic fluid was trickling out of me. I asked when she came back in the room if something was wrong. They said the tests kept coming back negative. I took a shower before i left home and i think that messed with the results. Im unsure if my shower was the reason ,but it made sense to me at the time. I'll never know because i didnt ask her much else.

Finally, they decide to admit me when the latest test came back negative again. I went through I think 3 different nurses. Every nurse asked at least twice if it was my first baby. I thought things like that would be written in my chart. It definitely was on the questionnaire after my husband filled out the insurance. Then when i say yes they would all act super shocked. I was 22 at the time and I thought it was odd they were so shocked i was having my first (and apparently last) baby. If anyone reads this let me know if you think its weird i had my only child at 22.

They also thought my dad was my "baby daddy". Yes they said "baby daddy", not husband. The assumption was I wasnt married. I felt uncomfortable for two reasons. The assumption is im unmarried, even though im wearing a wedding ring. My dad has never been married, he doesnt have on a ring. My husband does have his ring on though. Also, why would some random young white guy be sitting in my room? The same white guy filling out all the paperwork and pulling out the medical cards from his wallet. The same white asking them if i can have water instead of ice because I kept complaining about being thirsty. My husband was there the whole time. I cant remember if they gave my husband the wristband for our baby boy at that point. A midwife would know the ppl around me. I felt like I really craved that personal connection. Husband is at every doctor's appointment, but some how it doesnt make it into my chart that im at least married. Anyway, I let the weird assumptions go because they said my dad looks young. My daddy certainly loved the compliment. Daddy didnt look young to me. He had a little gray in his hair at the time. All the nurses were white women (my doctor was the only Black person on my labor staff). Mentioning their race is important because the "baby daddy" comment was a microaggression. Maybe i beat the stereotype. Maybe they've ran into weird family dynamics. Could be a combination, but I'll never truly know. All i know is, I'll never forget how they made me feel. They were acting so shocked about everything that seemed normal. They were either all new and had horrible memory. Or they had biases that wouldnt allow them to accept my answers to their questions. They also checked my cervix alot. Someone will have to tell me if its normal to check every hour. I've watched homebirth videos and i never seen midwives check that often. I didnt have any complications and baby wasnt in distress so idk. I wish I wouldve got a cozy homebirth where things are allowed to progress naturally. It felt so rushed but i wasnt even there that long. My entire labor was about 10 hours maybe 11. I was at home for 2 or 3 of those hours waiting for my husband to get off work. Plus the extra time added for him getting lost on the way to the hospital.

It was pretty "normal" until i decided i wanted an epidural. The contractions were becoming intense. My epidural wore off when i began pushing. The anesthesiologist was in another room so i couldnt get more. I endured the pain of getting the big needle in my back for nothing 💔. I probably got 2 hours of the medicinal relief. I felt the full pain of vaginal birth. I'm lucky, all i had was scrapping against my walls. My doctor put gauze down there. Some time passes, two nurses enter the room, and one yanks out the gauze. I remember the pain, it made me shiver. They discovered i was still bleeding. One of them stuffed the gauze back up there. The pain was so intense im crying at this point. I have a pretty high tolerance, but that was one of the worst sensations I've ever experienced. I couldnt imagine having to endure stitches without any pain relief. I am very lucky i didnt have complications. They seem to not care much about my pain. I'll never forget that i pressed the call button for a pain pill. The nurse took an hour and a half to bring me two percocet. By the time she came in, i told her i felt sick like a needed to vomit. She looked at me blankly and asked if i was gonna be able to take the pill in front of her. I asked her to give me a moment because i felt nauseous. She told me to call her when i was ready for it because she had to watch me take the pills. That was the last time i asked for pain relief. She made me feel like i was a drug seeker. I just gave birth I dont understand why asking for pain relief is a big deal. I didn't even take tylenol during my pregnancy. I dont have a history of drug use/ seeking. Anyway, i told my doctor and she ordered percocet at the pharmacy downstairs. My husband picked up the prescription. I was so relieved. Words cant describe how much appreciation I have for her. She made me feel human and she fixed any problem i told her about.

The lactation consultant was absolutely the worst part of it. I couldnt quite figure out how to position my baby to breastfeed. My mom bottle fed all her children. I had no guidance at all. A nurse asked if I'd like to meet with the lactation specialist. I agreed to it. She came in with an attitude. I ignored and told her i was grateful she came. She said ok and corrected how i was holding my son, told me he's a great latcher and that I shouldn't be struggling. The specialist said i dont have alot of time to deal with this. She left just as quick as she came in. The nurse asked me if i wanted a breast pump. I answered yes please. No one ever came back with one. Like a couple hours later when i hit the call button for more ice water and the pump. The nurse said she would bring one. It never happened. The nurse comes with ice water and promises again she would bring me a breast pump. The specialist visited 2 times for maybe 5 minutes or so each time. Her 2nd and final time visiting me, im sort of rocking my son while he's nursing. She told me dont rock him while he's nursing. I asked her about the breast pump, she said they were out of them. She told me to try nursing him on the other breast for a bit. Im struggling on that side with positioning because im not use to holding him in my left arm. She finally says after a minute of me trying, you should just do formula because you're clearly not understanding. I started crying and she left the room huffy. I never saw her again. A nurse came in with formula shortly after telling me its no shame in bottle feeding. They decided between the two of them that i bottle feed. I feel disdain when i think back at this moment. I wish I had more grit at the time. I was just so shy and didnt wanna ruffle feathers. Formula got expensive really fast!

I have so many regrets about my entire experience. I wanted to breastfeed and i was getting the hang of it. But i just felt so damn discouraged. Im naturally non confrontational and shy. It was so much going on I felt i didnt have a choice but to quit. Its the thing I regret most. I was so sad. I thought i was a failure. There wasnt much warmth from support staff at all. I kept wishing i was at home and comfortable. The parts that seemed like they should've been fast were the slowest. The slowest parts were the most physically painful. I truly feel like if i had a midwife she would've provided the support i needed. It felt like they were all rushing to do something else. Im sure they were and that part i dont really blame them for. It was such an emotionally cold environment. I'd never give birth in a hospital again.

I still get sad thinking about my first pregnancy and birth. I wish I had cute stories. I vomited or was extremely nauseated every morning except my last 2 weeks of pregnancy. My morning sickness never went away. I also didnt have cravings or the urge to nest. My energy was always really low. The house was a wreck when I went into labor. I thought i had more time to get things done. If I could turnback time, I'd change things. But I cant.... so i live with my choices. I dont know why I felt compelled to share my birth story. Im glad I did share. Black women too often have bad birth stories. Of course mine is tame compared to others. I think the problem is hospitals could never foster a warm environment.

The statistics for a smooth experience werent in my favor. Im so happy I chose a Black woman as my doctor. I think she made a difference in my care. She was the one thing I would not change about my experience. I'd like to choose my entire team next time. I'd have a midwife and two doulas. Pregnancy and birth will probably never happen for me again. But if it does, I'd figure out a homebirth situation. Im incredibly blessed to only be in a hospital three times. 1st time, my mom gave birth to me. I was a premie and the polaroid of me in an incubator is in a photo album somewhere. 2nd hospital visit i had spotting 2 months into my pregnancy, they did an ultrasound and my baby was fine. The bleeding stopped, doctors sent me home. 3rd time I was giving birth. My favorite number is 4, but I never want to be in a hospital ever again. Its unlikely I'll have more children. Maybe not such a bad thing if i never have to be in a hospital again.

Argentina, The U.S. and Israel dont believe that slavery of my ancestors was the biggest crime against humanity. The European countries decided to not vote at all on the matter. Yet my ppl are the most hated and consumed in the world.

So lets break this down a little. 4 centuries, Yes 400 years of rape, cannibalism, torture, black babies for alligator bait, using my ppls skin for leather, hair for cushions, teeth for dentures (ripped out their mouths while they were alive), working them to death, whipping them until they almost die, murdering them just because they wanted to murder, and i could go on but this post will get too long.

Its quite interesting that we always have to remember the holocaust that in fact didnt even last a decade, not even a half a decade. The holocaust lasted 4 fucking years. Hmm 4 years not 4 centures. If we include 1933 when the persecution started all the way until the end in 1945 that would be 12 years total. Again not 4 centuries, 12 years. This is so interesting. Hitler took inspiration from the united states. He saw the way my ppl were treated and felt inspiration. Yet we have Israel voting against the recognition of the grave blight on humanity. So Israel feels that Black Americans havent suffered enough. Would 12 years had changed there mind? Do we get a special term for our centuries long torture?

I will say this Israel vote explains the rampant racism that is in the Jewish community. Jeffery Epstein hated black ppl and used the n word often. Lots of white ppl and other jews didnt seem to mind how evil this man was. Bari Weiss and Bernie Sanders are two other examples i like to use because you can just google what they think of Black ppl. Bernie endorsed a man with a nazi tattoo, its safe to say he doesn't gaf about oppression of even his own ppl. I have many more examples, but the post would get way too long. Im not saying every jewish person hates Black Americans, but I will say alot of them certainly dont mind our oppression. Im just using this as an example of Black Americans having no allies. This is a big reason why alot of Black Americans see Jewish ppl as white. But Whoopi got suspended from the view for saying what alot of us know to be true.

My point is proven every single day about how the normalization of Black Americans suffering is never seen as a big deal. Yet everyone demands empathy from us. Where the hell are the allies in these "civilized" countries? I wanna know if chattel slavery wasnt the biggest crime of humanity, what was? Its gonna have to be something that last longer than 400 years plus the additional systematic harm still being inflicted in modern times. Im sure something else must exist.... oh wait it doesnt.

Give us our reparations and own up to what the evil European countries did. Own up to what the United States still does to Black Americans. Then leave us the fuck alone.

This resurgence of Blue Dog Democrats is the reason people pulled away from Democrats to begin with. Blue Dog Democrats were against universal healthcare. Social issues they actually agree with Republicans. They arent progressive at all. I call them dixiecrats because I feel like people dont understand the actual racist undertones of the left. Racism is alive and thriving. James Talarico is most likely a Blue Dog Democrat.

However, now we have a subset of racist people on the left trying to kick Black Americans out the current Democrat party. Dixiecrats left democrats because they were segregationist. People claim they found a home with Republicans. That may be true but the south is gonna always be the south. After Obama won twice the mask came off for many white democrats. They want Black ppl and others out. I call the new resurgence of Blue Dog Democrats, dixiecrats because the racism. They want "Marginalized" groups out of their party.

James Talarico is a dixiecrat like Joe Manchin. He will be the reason no progress is made in the senate. If he can energize Texas to vote blue is a huge question. I dont think he can but if he does he will be for enriching himself not his constituents.

Thats all there is to say. Stop trying to force some fake solidarity narrative that never existed. Everyone literally hates Black Americans.

Im not quite sure why everyone feels entitled to benefit from my ancestor's torture. This has been a thing my people have known. This is exactly why we gotta stop supporting every damn body. Nobody supports us. We were promised by the government 40 acres and a mule. Lincoln gets assinated and Andrew Johnson puts a stop to it. We just want what our ancestors deserved. They were robbed of freedom and never paid for their labor. Always paid lower than everyone and told to shut up about our oppression. Our liberation is still and always has been under attack. Everyone is against Black Americans and that is what im seeing clear as day right now.