nam-egg w/ random posts & love

If  you still happen to see this, do you mind if you like it? Or message me? 

I’ve left this place and come back a couple, a few times, because it still remains to be a big part of where I came from. About three years ago, this was a safe haven. Albeit very small, and I made really few friends, even if I had left, it was a place I explored many things. 

So it’s a little funny looking back at it and if I come back to read back on all of my things, maybe I’d ask too what happened?

This might be the only place who will truly know who I was and who I am and who I want to be. It might be the few places I have a voice, because I think it is one thing I am struggling with now. I’ll be honest, very honest, and say I don’t know if I’m getting depressed or if I have been so for a few years now; I don’t know if I have anxiety or bad cases of it sometimes. I don’t want to say I know because I haven’t met with anyone professionally, but I have somewhat, somehow

felt a little bit or often like or much like - I am suffering under the weight of something that is both within my control and my lack of it.

I write to let it out even if I don’t know if anyone will hear me. It’s okay. Maybe I am okay, just different, just struggling, but I sometimes become happy and maybe relatively I am happy. It just doesn’t mean that I’m not sad, and that I become, and have become, such a victim of loneliness I’m struggling to understand.

Literally word vomit but I’m just expelling nerves! Gonna edit the hell out of myself for the next hours and I SHOULDN’T SLEEP OR ELSE I won’t submit my requirement and many things will go to waste. I just really want to do all these without being afraid anymore because it has literally sent me downhill the past semester, that habit. 

I’m gonna edit for a 6-10 minute documentary I worked on about local indie hip hop and I know hip-hop is still something so new and vast for me; there’s still so much for me to know - but it is one hell of a ride and one of the best holes in the ground I’ve fallen into; I have to be so happy. I’m still so thankful.

So there. Oh my haha let the games begin. A tap on the back - a pat? And also lots of encourage for people who might be breaking down towards the same stresss wew let’s do this! <3 wewewweww nerves nerves nerves FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

FIGHTING

I’m in a big shock about Yongguk. But why is it like somewhere inside of my, I feel like it could have happened....? That he would be the type of person who could experience it, I just didn’t know it would.

:( Yongguk-ssi was my ideal type for the longest time (and while he’s not my ult or the effect isn’t the same now, I have to say that he still means a lot, I swear) and part of it was that I could relate to him in emotion somehow and just. Wow I guess. I really hope he gets better because it feels terrible. I haven’t visited a doctor or anything and maybe I should... But like him, it was something this year that set off pretty bad and unwell, except I think I’m getting better. Panic in the physical sense is terrible. I felt like I’d get a heart attack any time. And, sort of knowing this, I know he’ll be okay and other people will be. It’s hard to be really happy and then worry and then have it all dwindling down. I think understanding for someone who feels this way will be one of the best gifts. Just support each other, let’s do that.

What is work?

Why do we work?

Why is it so hard to work?

Do you actually need motivation or do you need endurance?

If everyone tells you to work, aren’t you becoming mechanical?

Is being mechanical productive?

Aren’t we supposed to be productive?

Or is it because everyone tries to be?

Why is life so weird nowadays?

(I don’t think I’ve done this yet.)

(Anyway.)

I don’t think I’m actually back on tumblr aha hu, this is more like a little personal space for me again, for the mean time. 

Meaning lots of things have happened since I really last used Tumblr - GROWTH AND LIFE IS AMAZING HAHA youth is tainting but beautiful nonetheless.