happiness

the title of this post, while seemingly otherwise, is not just meant to be dramatically eye-catching. i am about to attempt something i haven’t thought about doing in about 10 years. i’m going to write out my thoughts, my feelings, emotions, struggles, fears, doubts, dark days- and all of the beautifully magical, inspiring bright days that fill in the remainder of my space. 

i have absolutely no idea where to start. so i’m just going to start.

i live an exhausting existence. i don’t mean that physically.. i mean, i’m physically active, however the toll my physical being takes is incomparable to the exhaustion that fogs my brain at the end of each day (or in the morning, or in the middle of the day). some days, it feels like i don’t even have a say in any of the thoughts that barge into my brain and cause fucking chaos. my attempts at fighting them off make them stronger and soon enough, i’m questioning everything from my life decisions to my own character, traits, and general state of being.

i live a life where every single conversation, micro-conversation, even just general greeting is followed by at least one hour of overthinking my spoken words. “did that make sense?,” “did that come off offensive?,” “could i have worded that better?,” “did they take that the wrong way?” are a few examples of the thoughts that flood my brain after a conversation that, realistically, the person on the other end of probably completely forgets about immediately, moving forward with their day. 

i live life battling debilitating indecisiveness and i don't do it alone, but not by choice-  this aspect of my life, my brain, reaches its ugly little claws out far enough to grab onto and affect people in my life other than myself.