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Take this job, even if it’s a 10k cut. If they don’t match it, still, take the job, this is your foot into the door of what you’ve been wanting. 

Partially TMI. 

Hi Anon, 

This is technically my “3rd” year teaching in Korea. I am halfway through my 3rd contract. I was too excited to come back to Korea that I really didn’t think it through fully. I had such an amazing experience my first 2 contracts because of my school and the city I had lived in. 

My current school is great, but it isn’t the same. My old school was small, and we were a family. I knew everyone, and everyone knew me on a first name basis. We had a school of less than 20 staff. 

My current school has over 80 staff members, and I know no one. The atmosphere is just different. But, don’t get me wrong, my school is still wonderful to me. 

I think, I just realized that, during my undergrad I had invested so much in Chinese learning that I think I need to redirect my focus back on China/Taiwan. Of course, doing so, I don’t think I would want to teach English in either countries. I wouldn’t mind working at an international school and teaching other subjects. My qualifications for China are quite different for Korea. I would be able to work for an NGO or Company if I brushed up on my Chinese. (Other plan is to move back to Taiwan for a few months and study Chinese) Then apply to work in an American company in one of the two countries. Like many teachers here in Korea, they probably learned Korean and really liked the culture before coming to Korea. My initial reason to come to Korea was to pursue a Master’s here because of my wanting to continue my global exposure. When I didn’t get the scholarship, teaching here was my 2nd option until I could prepare for Grad school in other places. Yet, I really grew to like teaching.

But, the reason why I say Korea isn’t my calling is, I think I am here now for the wrong reasons. This has nothing to do with teaching. It’s more just about my life in Korea. 

I think the cultural differences are finally starting to hit me. I’ve been so accommodating to accept their views, as I am a guest here. Yet, it’s hard to change your views that you’ve been with for 20+ years. I also, think my love life plays a major role. I continue to come across really bad men and it’s due to my fault as well. But, I am going to be 25 years old this summer and I want to be able to experience something “real” and more serious. I want to be able to think about my future with someone. BUT HIT YOUR BREAKS! I am not talking about marriage, heck, if anything, that’s well into my 30’s. I’m just tired of making myself vulnerable every so often only to get the shit end of the stick. I want someone serious, and I just don’t believe I will find that in Korea. 

My father is half-Chinese. I think my parents are more accepting if I date a Chinese/Taiwanese person than a Korean. (They don’t like Korean people) I swear, Asian parents are the most prejudice people everrrrrr..anyways, getting off topic. 

Shit that will make your eyes roll at me. I’m telling myself this now, so I won’t take offense if you do ;p

haha

I’m just unsure how I have been feeling these days. 

2022 me is like, yassss girl, therapy, meds, and unlearning shit has done WONDERSSSS

I go through these cycles of hating men and going on man cleanse. It’s ongoing and will probably never stop. But, in a year I have the desire to date usually around Spring and Fall because it’s the least time where I am not crabby from being so hot or lazy from being too cold. Anyways, I had a date yesterday. (I know, the whole giving up on dating shit a few blog posts ago….) I haven’t been on a date since April (Spring) and that was with “Mr. High Fives”. It also has  been exactly almost 1 year ago (Fall season) that I had met Chef too.  I hate dating, it’s the worst, but at the same time I enjoy it. So, I had a date with a 32 year old Financial consultant last night. He is such an interesting man in so many ways. He’s a bit nerdy and extremely intelligent. When we first met, he seemed a little uptight and nervous but after eating he relaxed quite a bit. Overall, he’s a bit quiet but seems really kind.  

I won’t go into details of the date. But he made me dinner and we watched a movie after. He fell asleep during the movie and so I just stuck it out and watched the whole thing. Before he fell asleep he did ask if he could kiss me. It made me feel good that he asked me and didn’t just randomly plant one on me.  After the movie, I woke him up and we talked for a bit then had a nice make out session. Oh, how I have missed kissing. 

I stopped things before it got too heated. I told him that I didn’t want anything to go further and if he was only meeting me for that then it wasn’t going to happen anyways. He was cool with it. 

Here’s the fucked up thing guys. The whole time, in my mind I kept thinking…”this is too good to be true”…..and these were my constant thoughts: he’s just trying to sleep with me so he’s gonna do anything to get it. He’s only being nice to me to get sex. He’s only telling me he wants to see me again, because he wants sex. He probably has another girlfriend. I’m probably never going to see him again. I’m too fat for him. He doesn’t like me. I’m not pretty for him. He’s going to pull the fade. He’s not going to message me again after this. 

Yeah…fucked up…fucked up…FUCKED UP. 

After he left, I felt so bad and sad. Because, as crazy as this sounds….(Which, it doesn’t happen to often) I could see myself wanting something more with this guy. Because, he is so different from my past mistakes. And, if he pulls the fade…then, well, I’m sure I would just lose shit. Because, honestly I just want guys to be upfront and honest. If you’re not into me, TELL ME!

He says he wants to see me again, but I’ve heard that so many times and never heard from men again. 

Yesterday, with the encouragement of my therapist I bought a scale. I thought about creating a whole new fitblr to talk about health things but, this blog is about my life in Korea…and right now, my life is about becoming a better me. 

So, the first step to doing that is admitting to myself about my weight. I have avoided the scale for awhile. Since returning to Korea in August 2014, I have gained weight drastically. When I was dating my ex, he fed me a lot and I was happy. I kept eating and I didn’t care. From there, I started to gain.. and then after the break up I gained more..and I kept gaining. 

Today, I stepped on the scale. I am currently 118 KG. That’s roughly 260 pounds. The heaviest I have been was 274 pounds in 2012. I had vowed to change  my life because I reached 250 (the size I said I would never be). I was able to make changes and get down to 230.. and I stayed there for awhile. But, within the last 4 years I have gained 30 pounds back. I do not feel sexy anymore. I do not feel beautiful anymore. I honestly feel insecure. The insecurities I have faced these days has caused a lot of anxiety in me. I am overall a confident woman. However, being confident doesn’t mean I don’t have any insecurities. I have not been happy with myself a long time. I continued to make excuses for myself but I wasn’t making the effort to change my lifestyle.

I am a girl who has and will probably be fat her whole life. I am okay with this. For the most part, I love being a thicker, curvier, woman. However, I am not okay with being unhealthy, which is kind of where I am at now. My weight is something I have and always will have a hard time talking about. I am always in denial. If I dont think about my weight, then it doesn’t exsist. It’s not until a friend takes a photo of you and you realize that that is how you actually look. Not a selfie that you can angle down to make yourself feel better.  As I try to lose weight to become healthier, I also must continue to love my body. I must not put myself down. I know I am beautiful, but I have days where I struggle to believe that. These last few weeks have been those days.

Since December, my therapist has been on my case about losing weight. She has not pushed me, but it was something I wanted to do and told her about. So, she was kind of the person holding me accountable to it. However, each session she would bring it up and I would shut it down. She’s a therapist, she knew what I was doing… so, I told her that for our next session. I will tell her my weight. Becuase, this is the first thing I need to do. Admitting to myself who I truly am.

My goal, if possible is to drop 30 pounds by summer. Some of you may think it’s impossible and unhealthy, but you have to understand that I am much larger than the average women. Being larger also means that it is easier to shed pounds. However, even though it’s easy to lose weight, it’s hard to keep it off. I need to find a way to balance my cravings so I am not depriving myself but also eating better. I need to find a way to not get anxiety when I think about the gym or working out. The whole concept of losing weight is something I dread a lot. I hate the gym, I hate eating healthy, I hate sweating! But, I need all of thise to start losing weight. I need to think positively and learn to meditate and tell myself that it’s okay to do all of this;.

This was hard to write out because I have so many feelings about me being overweight but I am glad I could admit to myself that I am overweight and I need to start making changes.

I am a plus size girl, who loves being plus size, but I am not a plus size girl who is curently happy about her size right now. I believe in body positivity and I do not accept any body shamers. So, if you’re going to roll your eyes about having to read anything health related…then you can feel free to unfollow me.