The core of my message

Stay in this position and continue to breathe deeply as long as it feels comfortable.

Source: The core of my message

Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits – needs to burn

2 of 5 Skull-Fucked Stars – Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits by David Wong

This book pisses me off so much. Because, I absolutely loved David Wong’s other novels. But this one is utter horse shit. Well, that’s not entirely true. I mean, it’s a decent short story. It would fit well into 100 pages or so. But no. He had to fucking sell out and stretch it the fuck out to nearly 400 goddamn pages.…

First Night – is a terror-filled night

4 of 5 Kids-With-Guns Stars – The Oneiro Rangers in First Night by Erwin Blackthorn

This is a great story, if you start reading it on page 14. Seriously, the first 14 pages are complete horse shit. And it really pisses me off, considering that the whole book is only 70 goddamn pages. So that’s 20% of the book completely wasted. Motherfucker. What a great way to get readers to throw this fucking…

An End to the Thrill – thank god there’s an end

2 of 5 Retarded-As-Fuck Stars – An End to the Thrill by Varun Kumar

This ‘book’ of short stories isn’t really a book. It’s only 52 pages, nine of which are filler bullshit. Dedications and such. Who the fuck cares? Why does it take nine fucking pages to get to the first goddamn story? It’s retarded. Such a waste of space. Hell, that wasted space is longer than most of the stories in this stupid…

Time Salvager – needs to be salvaged

4 of 5 Sucky-Ass-Future Stars – Time Salvager by Wesley Chu.

This book is absolutely fascinating. The world and technology that the author created for this book is fucking mind-boggling. Such a staggering imagination. And yet, it’s really just a short story dragged out for four-hundred goddamn pages. I would have much rather read a condensed version of this story. Maybe a hundred or so pages. It…

Time Salvager – needs to be salvaged

4 of 5 Sucky-Ass-Future Stars – Time Salvager by Wesley Chu.

This book is absolutely fascinating. The world and technology that the author created for this book is fucking mind-boggling. Such a staggering imagination. And yet, it’s really just a short story dragged out for four-hundred goddamn pages. I would have much rather read a condensed version of this story. Maybe a hundred or so pages. It…

Outsourced – should have been ghost written

…… This really is a crazy, yet stupid fucking book.

The Automation – is an automatic fail

1 of 5 Human-Fuck-Toy Stars – The Automation by some stupid pen name. And edited by some asshole who constantly breaks the fourth wall and comments on this stupid fucking story. Explaining just how stupid it really is.

I did not finish this book. I just couldn’t. It was that bad. I read the first few chapters, hoping for something great, because the premise of the book intrigued me. But the…

The Cauldron – isn’t deep enough

1 of 5 Totally-Useless Stars – The Cauldron by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book was fucking stupid. And pointless. And frankly, a waste of my fucking time. But it’s not even a book, really. It’s a short story. And the format that I was given to review was jam packed with shit-tons of promotional material for the author’s other books. So really, only 50% of it was this story. And the first 90% of…

The Lives of Tao – are too many

4 of 5 Puppet-Master Stars – The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu.

This book was frustrating for me. It was a very love/hate relationship while I was reading it. Because on the one hand, it’s an awesome fucking book. And on the other… Well, I really wanted to strangle Tao. He’s a real cocksucker. And he’s not even human. But yes, I did enjoy this book. It was very engaging, and I found myself acting…

Carry the Knight – isn’t worth carrying

2 of 5 Fucked-In-The-Head Stars – Carry the Knight by Miguel Lopez de Leon.

This is a very important review. It will change your life forever, and inspire countless millions to rise up and take control of their lives. It will be the cornerstone of a new civilization. Monuments will be built because of this review. People will bow down, and praise me as some sort of oracle. For I am Glenn. And I…

Tyranny Fighters – is too gay for me

2 of 5 Gay-As-Fuck Stars – Tyranny Fighters by Garry Reed.

This book is fucking retarded. Because it’s just a collection of articles that you could just read for free on the internet, if you really wanted to. I don’t know why the fuck anyone would want to read these articles, though. I only read this book because the author asked me for a ‘brutally honest review’. Probably because he secretly…

Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter – it’s a spooky ghost!

4 of 5 Whimpy-Korean-Fucker Stars – Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter by Tim Learn.

For someone like me, who’s never heard of any Korean mythology, this book is very strange. I mean, who knew that there was a fucking god of the kitchen, goddess of the bathroom, and a god of the door. Yes, apparently Koreans worship the door to their bathroom. Crazy fucking wack-jobs.

This book is the second…

Twilight – needs moar blood

1 of 5 Stupid-Ass-Girly Stars – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. And this is a classic example of a Mary-Sue, where the author puts themselves in the book as some fucking damsel in distress. She gets saved by some hot young hunk, and they get married and have a bunch of fucking babies. Classic Mary-Sue. And I fucking hate it so much.

But I don’t really hate this book…

Yes Please – is disturbingly pleasing

4 of 5 Fucking-Awesome Stars – Yes Please by Amy Poehler.

This book is fucking hilarious, which I found quite surprising. Because I can’t fucking stand Amy Poehler. She’s not funny, goddamnit. Or at least I thought she wasn’t funny. I can’t watch that horrible show Parks & Rec. It’s just so fucking bad. And I was never much of a fan of Poehler when she was on SNL. But holy shit, her writing is…

Dark Matters – is not nearly dark enough

3 of 5 Useless-As-Fuck Stars – Dark Matters: Two tales of Crime and Madness by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book does not contain ‘two tales of crime and madness’. It’s one tale of ‘crime and madness’ and one tale of bullshit. And it’s even hard to say that the first one is about crime. There’s a murder, sure. But it’s more about love and madness really.

The first story is about a dripping faucet in…

Sex in the Apartment – is barely legal

3 of 5 Teenage-Fuck-Fest Stars – Sex in the Apartment by Scarlet Cunniliffe.

This book reminds me a lot of my prepubescent years. Young kids breaking into abandoned houses to fondle each other. Even though we didn’t even know what sex was, we knew we wanted to see each other’s junk. And we sure as fuck wanted to play with that junk. Preferably some place that our parents couldn’t barge in and…