damn!

sometimes it gets to his head. the fear of failure, of not being good enough. he’s used to it, truth to be told. it’s something that has always being with him ever since he was a kid. but still — it hurts. not being able to breathe correctly, trembling and needing to hurt himself.

it sucks, but koko never knows when — or how — to stop. inui and ran know, tho. they play with his hair and whisper sweet nothings to bring him back, tell him to go lay down a bit. he does; and when inui hugs him from the back, kisses him on the neck and say he’s incredible, koko feels safe.

ran makes sure to cook him something light so it won’t hurt his empty stomach. he brings him the food and they share it in a comfortable silence. it’s good — it’s home.

inui and ran take care of him for as long as they can, soothing koko when it feels like is too much. it works for them. it’s slow, but it’s okay.

so kazutora would be out on his own, not knowing what to do with this freedom — he only had it when he was with baji and now baji was dead because of him. mikey said that he forgives him — but never showed up to say hi. kazutora don’t have friends — never had them, only baji but then again, baji is dead.

he is lonely and depressed. there’s his blood relatives but kazutora would rather light himself on fire and burn to death than relay on them. and on top of all that, he has no money and of fucking course no one would employ someone who’s been to jail twice due to murder.

and then i think about hanma, who’s been so lost ever since kisaki died. kisaki kept him entertained and hanma can’t stand boredom. can’t stand his own head and his own thoughts — he needs to be constantly numb, unaware of himself. distracted to the point he forgets his own misery.

when he finds out that kazutora is somewhere out there in tokyo, he remembers the valhalla times. kazutora was so different from kisaki and yet as entertaining as him. his madness, bloodlust and pure obsession — it was so tragic and appealing. so easy to manipulate and so fun to play with.

i think he would search for kazutora and i think they’d be together in this weird, toxic dynamic only they could have. projecting their dead lovers into each other, enabling their destructive habits and doing anything at all to stop thinking.

they are both cursed and broken. too pride to rot alone, so they just keep on destroying each other.