Turning Tito

At one point in my life - at least I was just reminded of now - this song was dedicated for me.

I was really confused about why... I guess I still am, because I never - at least I think - acted that way, nor differently with everyone. Maybe before.

Trauma.

The kind where you dread it.

The kind where you remember how other people ruined it for you.

And then I thought of how I've been holding on to this life, despite everything. The thoughts, the plans, the attempts... to take my own life.

And then I thought of Mikey (The Bear) and the mess of leaving your loved ones behind. Everything's already messy as it is, in the show and irl, but I dunno.

This must be the hundredth time I'm saying this, but I've always thought of what people would think, or feel, or how'd they react, when they see me gone.

Dunno where that came from, all I could think of is in Yu Yu Hakusho where "Eugene" gets to witness his folks actually grieve him.

Does mine come from that curiosity - or am I just neglected that I'm that curious to find out? Given our family history, I could say I'm not neglected. I'm... fine.

But there must be something about how my mind works, or has become.

As the thoughts of my friend crying passed, I thought of how I seem to have this plan. That one day I might do it. That one day I'll be able to pull it off. That one day I'll be triggered to do it. That one day I'll be gone for real.

But for now, I'm live to see the good stuff.

But my grandma has apparently remarried in her middle-age, and the guy passed away a couple of years ago. Just today (well, yesterday) she gave me a ring that he owned. She said he entrusted it to her, and then she's trusting me to keep it now, too.

I don't know, but there's something about the trust given that made me feel appreciated. Especially, despite my current situation full of self-doubt and anxiety and all the lows.

Worried.

Lost.

Sick.

Envious.

Hopeless.

Fucked.

All

at