je ne sais pas

i don’t think love was ever intended to be a nicholas sparks movie.

we all long for those tender glances, steamy tension, the perfect guy or girl, making love in a soft dreamy light with violins in the background, passionate kisses in the rain. i think this is particularly a struggle for infp’s more than any other type. we tend to over-romanticize and set the expectations a bit too high. infp’s often live two lives: one grounded (mostly) in reality, and the other completely inside our heads, where we and the people we know are blemish-free and the world is easier, harmonious, better, and sometimes the lines where the worlds cross get too blurred. you imagine up the person you’re crushing on, dating, married to to be something they aren’t, and are disappointed when they inevitably fall short. you expect them to fill up that hole inside of you, and make you complete– the thing you always missed, but they can’t. and you can’t do it for them either. if you place your identity in a fallible, flawed human being, you’re going to lose yourself because they will fail you.

now i haven’t fallen in love yet, so i can only imagine (which is most of the problem, honestly). i watch movies like “safe haven”, “the lucky one” and “the longest ride” and wish my hair looked like hers, wish i a boyfriend that was so perfectly sweet and tender, wish i could fall in love like that. 

but i have to remind myself– these are actors, whose makeup and hair and lines are always perfect, whose romantic relationship is mostly fictional, acting out a script written by an author to satisfy a market and a world of unhappy married and single women longing for something more.

“do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

I do this. I have seen other autistic people do it to others. Fellow autistics have done it to me even and one is right now (though I am probably different about it than what an allistic person is and will set explicit boundaries early if it’s a problem for me, which allistic people don’t).

*Someone sobbing*

Don’t keep lilies in your house if you have cats.

They will die.