It’s been almost been two years since Alysia has been gone. And really truly, in the deepest parts of me, I have never felt so alone. Since that day, since that time, that year. My cousin and my best friend. Coincidences don’t exist, no one can convince me otherwise. You moving ten minutes away from me, hearing your familiar voice call my name the minute I walked into my new local grocery store. After you died, I had a dream where we were shopping together like we used to. Laughing and singing to the music, girly treat drinks in hand. I turned to you and said, “I’m so glad it was all a misunderstanding and you’re really still here.” Your expression darkened and you placed a hand on my shoulder, “No, Asia. I am dead” you said. Then I woke up. Confused. It felt intensely real. My whole life I’ve experienced the abnormal. I can say wholeheartedly I have seen ghosts, spirits, whatever whoever wants to call them. Ive cried and wondered, if I have these experiences then where are you? I wonder if you’re at peace, finally, and that was just you saying goodbye. Taking me out one last time, like you always have. I’m happy I could be there for you with your eating disorder, but I’m plagued by thoughts that I was no help at all. Survivors guilt. I still don’t eat when I’m struggling. I’m not eating now. Will it always be this way? Is that why you made the choice you did? I wish you didn’t leave, leave me alone. I wish you could see all the people who came to your funeral. They had to open an extra room. Your mom does some mental health support stuff now I think, like the run they did in Salem. I don’t really know, none of them talk to me anymore. No one talks to me anymore. The whole family. It’s weird, because more than ever I am doing well. At this point in my life I know I can never go through with killing myself. Besides, I have a sister. I don’t self harm directly anymore. I work, I drive, I pay my bills. And I’ve never felt so alone
