khaiteee

Recently, I sat in church and listened to my priest talk about the concept of finding that person. You know, that person that is made for you, that person that you spend the rest of your life with. He spoke about finding order in our life before we can find love. He said that there’s an order to which love comes about, and without order you have chaos. The feelings of love can be chaos in themselves at time, but without the right order, we cannot properly welcome love into our lives. I perked up, and listened a little bit more as the homily went on. Naturally, this is a topic that grasps my attention, as I am the prime example of a hopeless romantic. I fill my days with dreams of my wedding and what my husband will be like. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have my dream wedding completely planned, all the way to the date I want it on. When I say my prayers each night, I pray for my future husband’s well being. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t disappointed in the thought that it could be years before I find that person, if I do at all. One of my biggest flaws is that I cannot help but compare myself to those around me, and that includes comparing my current love status to those around me. I feel discontent with where my love life is at when I see other people my age succeeding in relationships and even getting engaged. Although I am young, it’s hard not to wonder why I’m not like everyone else, finding that person and living the fairytale love story. It’s hard to not look for validation through that person when others my age have found their validation. It’s hard to be that friend that has to keep waiting while everyone else lives happily ever after. So flash forward back to me sitting in church, and my priest begins to elaborate on this idea of the right order. He says that ultimately, the order is out of our control, which I completely understand. He says that we have to trust time instead of rushing time. But he catches me by surprise when he says that everyone’s order starts with this crazy concept – loving God and loving yourself the way God loves you. I’m sure there are people reading this that aren’t Catholic, but the idea is the same. Everyone’s right order starts with loving yourself completely, truly and fully. I can continue to waste my time thinking about these fabricated endings, but here’s the thing. Reality doesn’t come in clearly marked packages and clearly marked road signs. Reality comes in a wave of packages and signs and its up to us to somehow piece them together. Ultimately, we can’t reach that person until we reach ourselves first. There’s a plan for me and you and the person sitting next to you right now, for today and tomorrow and the rest of time. That’s the only clear sign we have. The rest is going to be as it is meant to be. The homily ended and I felt a little different, I felt as though I had really found an answer of some kind. The answer is that this isn’t the time; I haven’t found the package yet that holds that person, and that’s completely okay. Because I can’t find that package until I follow the sign to love myself and be confident in myself and all that I can accomplish on my own. I can’t find that package until I go down the road where I build myself up to be a confident woman who sees value in myself beyond what other people think of me. That package can’t be opened until I look in the mirror and look myself in the eye and say, “I believe in you.” The right order falls into place when you least expect it. That person shows up when you finally become content with who you are. But that person also shows up when you have enough strength and confidence to pour into someone else, and lead a life of combined strength. Love is chaos, but even chaos has an order, and it starts with loving the chaos in your soul before loving anyone else.

Here we are again, your presence permeating my space. It’s been so long since the last time I saw you. You look both familiar and unfamiliar; I could feel the echoes of butterflies in my stomach but I could also feel my chest starting to squeeze itself out. Seeing you still feels both physically and emotionally painful, but the expectation of meeting you again has dulled that sense. Finally, I can easily look away from you; I don’t have any more reason to catch your eye. No more pondering if you’re looking at me too. No more puzzling over what you’re thinking of, whether you’re thinking of me. I can finally hear your voice without my heart beating so fast. I already realized the clarity I needed so badly. The elephant hanging around the room has already left – on most days. Sometimes it still peeks through the door, the possibility of its presence so threatening, but it’s now easier to shut out. Yes, I still miss you a lot, much more than I care to admit. After all, at some point in our lives I’ve loved you. But I know better now than to act on that yearning. You, of all people who had come and gone through my life, had been the hardest to lose – precisely because you weren’t mine in the first place. I had to watch you like a shooting star, dazzling me with your mystery and your charm – but all too soon you disappeared, and I was left with an empty sky. It seemed like I was destined to fall in love with you but never have you fall in love with me. Such a shame, the way fate has patterned our lives together; two lines approaching but never quite meeting. I’m still not over you, and that is okay. Losing you wasn’t a hangover that you can get over in a day’s time, or a bruise that leaves no trace after a week. I have to accept that there are days when I am over you, and there are days when it still hurts. With all this chaos in my heart, there is only room for acceptance, but I will make acceptance my road to letting go of you. Someday, it will not hurt anymore. These will all be just a scar, and what a beautiful scar it will be – it has taught me a lesson and left me with a reminder. Meeting you has taught me that I am capable of loving someone who can never love me back. Losing you has taught me to let go. Someday, I will stop looking for you altogether – I will stop seeing your face in the crowd, hearing your voice in the humdrum of every day. I will stop wondering about you, thinking about you. Someday I will finally stop falling in love with you. I’m still not over you, but I will be someday.

I know what you’re going to say. “It’s easier said than done.” And you’re right. But that doesn’t change the fact that you need to. You need to put yourself first. Ask yourself these questions: Am I happy? Will I be happy if things continue this way? Would I treat someone like this? Would I want my best friend or sibling to be treated like this? The answer is probably no. And if it is, let him go. Sure, things were great at one point, but that point has ended. Maybe it’s been a couple weeks or months, or maybe it’s been years. But either way it’s been too long. Too many nights that you stayed up, worrying if he’s coming home. Too many days you spent miserable, because he blamed you for his mistakes. Too many times that you gave out chances to someone that isn’t going to change. Too many months of being made out to be ‘hard to love’ by someone who doesn’t know how to love you. You are not hard to love. You are worthy of love. A love harder than he can give you. A love that doesn’t make you question whether you matter. A love that doesn’t leave you up all night in misery. A love that doesn’t make you lower your self-worth. You tried. And that’s all that you can do. You tried to see the best of things, tried to make things work. You’ve tried for long enough. You put your heart and soul into someone who didn’t know how to treat it. That is their fault — not yours. You are not wrong for wanting to hold onto the love you once had. You are not wrong for knowing you deserve better and staying anyway. But, it’s time to go. Time to put yourself first. Time to face the reality of the fact that he’s not getting it and he’s not going to. It’s harsh, it’s cold, and it’s the truth. It’s time for the truth. It’s time to remind yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. And it’s time to give yourself that love and happiness. It’s time to be the lover you want, to yourself. It’s time to be your own best friend. It’s time to let go. It’s time to be yourself again.   ©

Wala namang ibang nakakapit kundi ikaw nalang. Ito na siguro ang pinaka masakit sa lahat, yung patuloy ka paring lumalaban pero yung taong pinaglalaban mo sumoko na. Bakit ako, marami din naman akong rason noon para iwan ka, pero nanatili ako dahil mahal kita. Hindi manlang ba kita nabigyan ng dahilan na sumubok pa? Ramdam ko naman na wala na, pero nagtatalo ang isipan at damdamin ko dahil kahit akin ang puso ko sa tuwing nagtatalo kami tungkol sayo, lagi itong napupunta sa panig mo. Hindi ko naman talaga ipinipilit ang sarili ko sayo, ginawa ko lang naman ang parte ko sa relasyon na alam ko pareho nating binuo. Sana ikaw din, sana ginawa mo din ang parte mo. Pero sumuko kana pala. Sobrang hirap ko nabang intindihin? Bakit ikaw, akala mo ba madali kalang mahalin? Lagi ko lang iniintindi ang lungkot na idinudulot mo dahil nangako ako na mamahalin kita kahit sobrang hirap mo ng intindihin, pero mali pala dahil sa sobrang kaiintindi ko sayo, hindi na kita maintindihan, at sa sobrang sakit ng mga bagay na nangyayari wala na akong maramdaman pa. Sabagay, tama na ayuko na din kasing maging pangalawa sa mga bagay na gusto mo laging gawin. Ano ba ang tunay na sukatan mo ng pagmamahal? Ito ba ang laging saktan ako sa mga ginagawa mo? Pano mo masasabi na mahal mo ang isang tao kung lagi mong pinahihirapan sa mga bagay na di mo naman pinagiisipan. Hindi naman talaga ako ang nagbago, nasanay lang ako sa sakit, nasanay sayo. Kaya kahit tanggapin ng isip ko ang sinasabi mong mahal mo ako, tinatanggi yun ng puso ko dahil hindi naman totoo, dahil kung talagang mahal mo ako unang-una mong iiwasan ang mga bagay na patuloy naman akong pinapasakitan kahit binigay ko naman ang lahat. Hindi mo pala talaga malalaman kung saan ang lugar mo kung sa umpisa palang wala ka nang parte sa buhay ng isang tao. Kaya pala hindi ko makita, kasi binigyan mo lang ako ng lugar pero hindi ko alam kung saan banda. Kaya pala parehas lang tayo nag mahal pero ako lang yung nasaktan. 💭

I had no idea who I was, who I want to become, what am I doing here, and where do I want to be. I was clueless back then. Until you came and changed my life completely. I am and will always be grateful because God has lead us to the path which brought us to where we are right now. Today, before the eyes of God and of our beloved, I join my life with yours and I entrust myself to you. To the man I love the most, the man who keeps me awake every night, the man who makes me strong, the man whose attention, love, and trust is all I want, the man whose presence I always long for, the man who has made me realize my life's purpose, I accept you for who you were in the past, who you are now, and who you are yet to become. I promise to love you at your best and to love you even more at your worst. As your wife, I will always choose to be with you no matter how hard life gets. I will never get tired of reminding you that you are worthy of everything and that I will love you even when you cannot love yourself. I will cook meals for you, I will try my best to move fast whenever we go shopping. Starting today, you will never have to overcome your problems alone, you will never have to feel or be alone because I will be holding your hand and I will be sharing with you every smile, every laugh, every tear, and every sorrow life will give you. There will never be you and me because all we have for now and for the rest of our lives is us. I promise to never give you a reason to doubt, to apologize if I hurt you or if I commit a mistake, to support you in everything that you do and to share with you every triumph and every agony in this life. I will be your strength when you are weak. I will be your smile whenever you are sad. I will encourage you when the world tells you to stop. I will believe in you even when you do not believe in yourself. I will be everything that you need. I vow to love you in every way we both know in all the days of our lives and to never leave your side. My love, I want you to know that everything goes better with you. You are my happiness; the reason for my living. You are the fulfilment of my dreams and my heart's desires. You are my reality in this world full of fantasy. You brought light and color to my dark and black and white world. You are my favorite person. I couldn't think of any other man waking up next to me every single day. To your arms is where I belong. You are the only person I want to cuddle with. Your voice is my favorite song. You are the last person I want to see every night before I go to sleep. You are my first and last. I will give you everything that you need and all the love you deserve. I will sing along with you. As husband and wife, we will not just build a house but create a home filled with love, care, respect, honesty, faith, and compassion. I promise to love you and to care for you, to trust you and be loyal to you, to inspire you the way you inspire me, to listen to you, to forgive you if ever you hurt me, to wipe your tears and cast your fears and doubts and insecurities away. I promise to love you when you are happy and even when you are sad. I promise to stay by your side even when they turn their backs on you. I vow to love you with all my mind, heart and soul from this day forward, and all the days of our lives. To my partner, my best friend, my love, my life, my everything, Iloveyou. I always have and always will. I've prayed and waited long enough for this. And now, I am proud to say that you are mine and I am yours. We will always have each other in every ups and downs of this life. ©ustfiles

Clash is not forever. Being a Girl is not a curse because Girls deserves to be protect. Not to bully and abuse. Not all Girls are Damsels and Distress. And Royalty is not the treasure, it is the Love.

Keep your chin up, someday there will be happiness again.

Nice place for nice people. lul Thank you Go Hotels Bacolod!