Kevin Uncensored

While jeans shopping. "Those beautiful people, who looked like they just stepped out of a magazine. There to buy cool, but would never actually be cool."

I wouldn't trust her with a pair of Velcro sneakers.

I didn’t over eat. I ate half and my other personality ate the other half!

The flap flap flap of basket ball shorts and flip flops: the sound of a bro on the run.

I wanna pull him into an alley way and beat him senseless. And reduce him to riding a recumbent tricycle with a squeezy horn and a flag that said ‘Kevin did this to me’ forever.

"S’mores are a snapshot of happiness and I have no words to express how much I hate them."

"I LOVE your resting bitch face 💕💕"

"Out of all the people who annoy me, you annoy me the least."

Thanks google glass, but the image of myself during sex is the last thing I want to see. Now if you can have it show her Jared Leto you might be on to something. http://www.glassandsex.com/

Vanna White is having a vowel movement… *giggles*

Yeah, all night it smelled like burning. It smelled beautiful.