about that ketochow life

I tried going out and day drinking over the weekend. Apparently 4 drinks in 3 hours equals blackout and getting sick everywhere. I lost half a day and I’m lucky my friends didn’t dump me on the side of the road.

Lol after all my rants about fasting and bingeing and fasting and bingeing... I fell into a 48 hr fast by accident, just decided not to eat for 2 days to see what would happen.

It’s not that hard actually. I have enough energy to work out and everything, though I’m starting to get a little shaky.

Now the big trick is going to be going home from work and eating like normal, rather than saying “oh I should do 12 more hours just for funzies”

So for a while I did strictish 18/6 IF. Then that became OMAD and the occasional 24 hour fast. Meanwhile I was losing my hair, my period stopped, no libido, no gainz, but hey I was losing weight!

So at some point I decided to eat more like a normal (keto) person again— more calories, no time restricted feeding. Period returned and all the rest, but weight loss has been stalled for months. (I’m a muscular 5’6”/165lb so it might be nice to lose more but I’m not too unhappy now.) I’ve been fucking around on my diet, having binges and keto cheats, not helping with the stall.

Yesterday I just decided not to eat, for no good reason. It was easy. I also ran 5 miles. I had some dinner to not alarm my husband, maybe 700cal. Today I’m not eating again. It’s almost easier to just not think about it. I am aware that this is getting pretty disordered quick. (Again.)

Half of me is like “wtf are you doing, your muscle will waste, your hormones will crash out” and the other half is like “woo not eating is great, I don’t have to think about food, and maybe I can lose that arbitrary last 10lb”

The fasting community is such a shitshow too. Like obviously disordered. I go try to read about stuff and i see stuff like “I’m starting my 30 day fast today yay!” Srsly, why. Not that the keto community is much better though lol.

I didn’t really fall off, just dangled from the side of the wagon a bit, but still. It’s been hard to say no to things since I got back from China, and I’ve been making poor decisions (beers, ‘just one bite/cookie/potato’, etc). I need to get my goals back in front of my face. Maybe get some new goals.

My weight has crept up ~5lb and some of that is probably water and some might be legit regains. I went clothes shopping today and my body that was probably ready to wear a 6 is now definitely needing to spend some time in too-tight 8s. (Also, since when did 5lb make me change a clothes size? being small is weird.)

But I wanted to come here and do some processing about my new body and my feelings about it. My brain has not caught up with my body, at all. Not surprising, I weigh much less than I ever have in my adult life. In the past, my international travel has been filled with feeling like the “fat American”. Among my European and Asian colleagues, I was often the biggest person in the room. Not anymore; I’m within the average size. This was nice, but it also introduced some new complexity - as a woman in science, I sometimes need to fight to maintain my credibility. Before, I wasn’t seen as attractive so I could be friendly without having to worry. Now old men try to flirt with me rather than talking to me as a scientist, so now I need to add in some extra professional distance. I also don’t need to perform femininity as hard as I used to. It’s definitely a change.

And there’s a certain level of “fat lady talk” that I can’t participate in anymore, even though in my head I’m still speaking that language. One of my colleague’s luggage was lost; she was small and was able to buy a shirt that fit and I was about to tell her, “You’re lucky you could find something! clothes here are so tiny” and then I realized that I would be able to probably find something too. And I didn’t need to feel self-conscious when I ate, which was a big change-- being able to eat with enthusiasm and enjoy all kinds of food in public is liberating. It’s some bullshit that fat women can’t do that without being (or feeling) shamed.

I am 9lb from my ultimate goal weight of 155lb. I’ve gone from 222lb to 164lb in 10 months, using the keto diet as a tool. And the last month or so, I have been struggling with binge eating. I’m not talking about “I ate an entire pint of Halo Top” binges, I’m talking about an unstoppable rampage through the pantry, carbs and all. I’m talking about “oh my husband is out, what can I put in my face now that he’s not here to see it”. I’m not just worried about negating my progress, I’m worried that this is seriously disordered eating.

Thankfully I know where to start. Before I decided to try keto, I was an enthusiastic body acceptance advocate. I practiced intuitive eating, fat fitness, and radical body acceptance. (How I got from there to here, well, long story.) So what I hear when I google “how to avoid binge eating” is not new. It’s just the normal eating I used to do.

As I get closer to my goal, I find that my body is pushing back a little bit and telling me to eat more (The Hunger is real, y’all) while I’m applying more pressure to myself to achieve the goal. I’m decreasing my calorie goals, using IF and OMAD as weapons rather than tools. And I’m stressed and sleep-deprived on top of it all.

Today at 10 am, I declared “I’m going out for a date night tonight, I’ll just OMAD until then.” At 10:30 am, I was feeling terrible and panicked and bingey about not eating until dinner. At 11am, I (wisely) decided that having a early, nutritious meal was better than trying to stick to OMAD and binging, so I ate 3 eggs and a slab of cream cheese. 350 nutritious fucking calories was the difference between “perfection”/OMAD and eating everything in sight. I’m not totally satiated, but I’m not going to binge.

My bathroom time has been, shall I say, non-productive. Today, though, I made myself a flaxmeal, chia and hempseed porridge for breakfast and had a snack of keto ganache (coconut oil, cocoa powder, hwc, stevia) and I can tell things will uh, be more motile tomorrow. Soluble fiber and coconut oil... works good!

I’ve cut back my calories to 1200/day to break a stall (it seems to be working!) But then what do I do? I make keto peanut butter cookies and blow up my calorie total :-/ Anyway, here’s the recipe:

* 100g peanut butter

* 1/2 stick butter (room temp)

* 1/4 tsp salt

* 0.25 cup Swerve or sweetener of choice

* 1 egg

* 20g each: flax meal, almond flour, peanut powder

* 1/4 tsp baking powder

Heat oven to 350F. Cream together the butter, peanut butter and salt until smooth. Mix in the sweetener until incorporated, then mix in the egg until fluffy. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flax meal, almond flour, peanut flour and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients to the wet and mix. Let stand in the fridge for 15+ minutes, then spoon onto a baking sheet. Bake for 13-15 minutes, until edges are brown.

Now it’s time to stall because it’s RECOMP TIME. I’d like to get down to maybe 160lb-ish but that needs to be balanced with the gainz from lifting.

I was looking at the total from my last comp@222lb (bench 160lb, squat 195, deadlift 275) and I’m hoping to get back to it (or heck, beat it) at my current (or 10lb lighter) weight, which would be beastly. Today I did bench singles at 130lb, and I’m repping 5x5 squat at 160lb (165lb tomorrow!) and 5x deadlift at 225lb.

I’m getting jacked and I love it.