kenya

I can accept Loki because brotherly love and all that. He might even be my favorite but if you ever talk to Tom don’t tell him that. Thank you! I’m not even forty yet and my children are out here acting like I’m ninety. Enjoy the aunt days! You get all the fun without dealing with the aftermath later. Help me, Kendall. Teach me the modern ways.

“ you are putting a lot of trust in me right now, but i’m not sure if it’s a secret worth keeping. oh, chris. that’s probably because you’re out here acting like a ninety year old ! you’re still so young and doing great in the looks department by the way — what is the issue ? millennial coaching 101, do your research before you decide to share your thoughts or talk about expired boy bands. you are beginning to sound a lot like my dad and as bad as this may sound, it’s not a good thing. or it’s probably just me with my daddy issues, my bad. “

Oh no. See, this is exactly why I never volunteer to babysit children. Dogs? Sure. Cats? I guess. But they don’t touch your secret porn stash. And if they do they can’t repeat it back to their moms. A girl does get lonely, I feel ya. But you really need to have some kind of lock on that stuff if you’re going to just be handing your ipad out to everyone.

“ i really didn’t think this one through ! oh anna, forget my niece, i’ve handed out my ipad to a number of people. let’s just hope they didn’t come across anything i wouldn’t want to come across ? help. i guess it's one way to test their loyalty to me — make sure to check the tabloids tomorrow. also, on the whole ‘volunteering to babysit dogs’ thing.. i might have to take you up on that some time. “

Oh, don’t tell me that. I really don’t want to go home to a bunch of dead plants. I will definitely look into the sky garden and if I hate it I’m so texted you about it. Thought, I doubt I could hate anything with garden in the name. I bet it’s pretty exhausting to be jumping all over the globe. I get tired doing press tours and that’s usually like a couple weeks max. I don’t know how you manage doing that year round. 

“ got it — if i come across anything garden related, i’ll make sure to let you know. how's london treating you otherwise ? i love visiting new countries and new cultures, but i hate flying — do you see my problem ? travelling for work is not my forte. and having sleep paralysis on a commercial flight, whilst sitting near two men who keep offering you juicy fruit gum is a whole new level of terror. “

I would certainly hope that the love making was a different, if not than I would have some serious issues that I needed to work on. I love my dogs but I need to be able to breathe. It’s all good, Kendall, I’ve had these dogs for years, I can handle the clingy behavior.

“ something tells me you can’t handle their clingy behaviour — is this your idea of reverse psychology? because it’s working. i love animals. just to warn you though, once i get my hands on your dogs.. they’re mine. you can probably take them, but you won’t get them back for a very long time. that's fair right ? “

I got a rose and an eye surrounded by stars! It’s very mystical, my vibe lately. I also have a tattoo on my finger, of a cross. I like the broken heart and full heart next to each other though, that’s actually a really neat idea. I’ve been hearing the tattoos you regret most are the ones you get while you’re drunk and thank God I always have friends around to stop me from being stupid because I’d definitely do that too.

“ you’re giving me chill, mystical vibes and i’m here for it. i’m curious — are you into tarot ? it's something i've been vaguely interested in getting into for a while now. count yourself lucky, because you have some sane friends. although, the best memories do come from bad ideas. "

“ what does one do if they’re asked to babysit their niece, give them permission to their ipad, and then suddenly hear loud moaning ? the babysitter might.. have bookmarked a few tasteful porn sites and the niece might have ventured into the bookmarks thinking it was a dress-up game. the niece might have also told their mother who yelled at said babysitter and is now going around telling the whole family that their baby sister let their child watch her ‘porn stash'. in case you haven’t cracked it, i’m the babysitter. it’s just..a girl gets lonely, you know ? “

Let’s be real here. I can’t remember the last time I left my house. My dogs seem to be enjoying my company, but I am dying to have a little bit of space from them, so if anyone would like some dogs for a few hours I will give you mine, but you do have to return them eventually. I just want to watch Netflix and they refuse to give me any room on the couch. I go to the studio, they follow. I go to the store, the whine until I take them with, I use the bathroom, the sit in front of the door. If this is how children act, I don’t want them. / @coloredlightshq·

“ it's not just children you have to worry about here, a partner could also supposedly share the same behavioral patterns as your dogs ? all of the above fits the shoe to a tee. the only major difference would be the love making, of course. i’m sorry — i don’t know where i'm going with this one. but i’m kendall and i’m not willing to watch your dogs for a couple of hours. i have my own dogs, whom are wonderful but also a handful. “

After my kids had spent some time with their mum yesterday, they asked me if they could watch the last two Avengers movies to see their favorite – Captain America, not me which is highly offensive and I’m ready to disown them for it. Time to build them sheds in the yard that they can sleep in until they learn who the best hero is. I ended up leaving them to it and put in my airpods but my youngest asked to listen and told me that my taste in music is what old grandpas listen to. Why do my kids insist on hurting me? I didn’t realise The Beatles was old grandpa music. Are One Direction still popular? When are they bringing out a new album? I don’t know what’s on the radio anymore.

“ captain america is the obvious choice, but you are not ready for my favourite character — loki. and i wouldn’t say you’re an grandpa, you’re listening to music via airpods which is a great start, believe me. this is why i don’t have kids. don’t get me wrong, i love kids — i always get baby fever when i see my neice and nephews, but then i recall the chaos when i babysit... i’m enjoying my auntie days, i love being an aunt. i love being able to give the kid back to their parents. ‘are one direction still popular ?’ god, you need even more help than i thought. “

So you know the saying happy wife happy life. Well it’s very true, so Char sent me out on a trip to grab some stuff. Me being me totally got distracted by something and forgot a single item on her list. You would have thought the way she was fucking yelling the world was ending. So moral of the story always make sure your wife is happy and life is pretty easy. Anyways hey I am Tom Hardy and I am currently in the dog house for forgetting potato chips because the missus wanted some.

@coloredlightshq·

“ so, let me get this straight — you managed to forget an item that was very clearly written on a list along with the rest of your other groceries which you somehow didn't forget ? i’m not convinced, hardy. you need to do better. you CAN do better. i love your work, especially legend, your acting is phenomenal ! i’m kendall and i am currently kicking myself for confessing my profound love for you. “

I’ve been in London for what feels like years at this point. You know, filming top secret things and as much as I’m enjoying it here, I have to admit I miss LA. My garden is there and I’ve entrusted it to a good friend of mine. I make her send me pictures of it pretty regularly but photoshop is a thing so I don’t trust that it’s doing well. Can someone please tell me I’m paranoid and worst case, things can be replanted? Otherwise I might not make it to the end of this film. With that being said, if anyone is London and wants to distract a tired girl who misses her garden, please do. And if you’re not in London what’s the one thing you miss most when you have to leave for a long time?

“ if your friend is anything like me, the garden will most likely need replanting, without a doubt ! but what you don’t know can’t hurt you, so let’s just live in the moment. for your sake at least, ha. i’m not in london, however, i advise you to visit the sky garden since you’re somewhat home sick ? it’s london’s highest garden with a rooftop bar and restaurant — the vibes are immaculate up there. due to my modelling career i’m consistently travelling, my sisters get tired just watching me jump from timezone to timezone. it’s definitely not as romantic as everyone makes it out to be! and it’s the fomo on family events, nights out when travelling for a long period of time. “

Tattoo addiction is a real thing and I think I have it. I got a new tattoo yesterday and even though it’s still healing, I’m already itching for another. I love how with every new tattoo you get, there’s hidden details tucked away by the beautiful artist who drew it. So while I sit here and admire my new beaut, I’ll just remind myself that I need to slow down before I’m completely tatted up and unrecognizable. Anyone have any cool tattoos they want to gush about? @coloredlightshq·

“ it’s most definitely a real thing. what did you get inked ? i’ve got three tattoos — there’s the two on both my middle fingers; a broken heart and a complete heart which are so discreet that you can’t even see them from a distance. but then there’s the dreaded third tattoo; let’s just say it’s very well-hidden and i even managed to keep it a secret from my mom, kris, for a few months at least. i’ll give you a hint. it’s a face tattoo, not one of my best ideas but i was wasted ? and not thinking straight, yikes. “

Apparently everyone seems to be a fan of the blonde hair. I thought a change is always nice, especially when no one is expecting it. So, just between us, which do you prefer for me blonde or brunette? You can be completely honest.

“ selena gomez, my girl, you are always serving looks — nothing new here ! although, you definitely woke up and chose chaos. for sure. i’m all for it with the whole ‘girls loving, supporting and uplifting each other’ thing. but the brunette wins for me, hands down. and you can’t expect me to believe you’re still using pantene with the platinum blonde hair ? “