kelly

Right now, the world is my world. And I've been thinking that this world is a little too big. This sense of estrangement hits hard after long days and nights, when the next short term goal seems murky and the long term impossible. The little energy I have left on weekdays are easily applied to TV or board games if I'm lucky.

It's easy to idealize what my college experience was. I miss the easy walks to different apartments to hang out on weekends, replaced by subways, sometimes delayed, going to house parties hosted by friends and coworkers. Gone is choosing courses and extracurriculars, replaced by projects, sprints, and dance classes where no one really talks to each other. The grass is always greener on the other side, no?

I'm afraid that my thoughts will be reduced to only goal seeking, to that next project, to my next vacation, to my next life event, to tomorrow. I was satisfied in college to look only a little ways ahead, but to do it now seems like a trap.

People seem to grow a lot faster in adulthood, and perhaps even more so in the city. I am an unwilling participant in this crowd of personalities, the only thing in common the scent of loneliness that drifts over our weekday nights and weekend hours.

The day was brisk, on the tip of cold, the weather indecisive. And it’s raining tomorrow. But today, we had patches of sunlight, and even more patches of people, wandering about the streets as usual, but now equipped with shopping bags, tinted cheeks, and warm beverages.

At work I pondered the fate of my ex-colleague that had left my company the Friday prior, wondered if he felt just as weird as I would if I woke up on a Monday to realize that I would no longer be obligated to be at work ever again should I choose and be able to do so. I wondered if he had enough motivation to make his own company a success.

The hallways felt benign, my spirits always lifting a little in response to the nods and unspoken greetings we exchanged in these channels, feeling like this wasn’t going to be perfect, but it was perfect in the now, to belong here in this gray microwave colored floor.

The afternoon was well spent with a friend from the past days of california glory, when my concerns was if we’d get to dance class on time and if the food served in the company cafeteria would be good that day, and if the weekend would be spent in SF or not. It’s good seeing him, bundled up in wooly coat and scarf and smile.

Walking around with someone not from nyc is always just as good as giving a college tour to someone who doesn’t go there: everything is bright and new, unexplored, interesting. We prowl around the holiday market on union square, pondering over different wares and talking about our current destinies while mulling over thoughts of the future. We eat free apple samples in the square. We see a lady with her pigeon stuffies on the cobblestones with a sign that said Do not feed, they’re already stuffed. We gave her a dollar for a picture.

And we walk around, a lot. I love walking around in nyc.

The rest of my work day at the company was spent trying to solve a bunny puzzle courtesy of Google’s doodle team. A lot of the new hires solved it, and we helped each other out. It was a good bonding moment. It was a good bunny moment.

After dinner I set up and played Blood Rage with friends. It was a fantastic battle, a clash of wills and the muscles of the little miniature people we enthusiastically thrust on the board. I lose my chance of victory in an epic battle near the end, where I lead my army to their early destruction at the whim of an unforgiving card. I have an absolute blast. This is why this board game is my favorite. Even though I lose a lot, I still have fun.

Tuesday’s practice was held in wooden as we made choreo / people studied for exams. I practiced my piece briefly before rehearsing with the Rick and Morty crew. AL taught us some sick moves and together we fleshed out the end of the piece. It was cool seeing Lship and other members rehearse their choreo. J in particular especially slayed, per usual.

Wednesday was busy, but a good sort of busy. I got up early to meet VS at union station, and we ended up eating at a good vegetarian restaurant while exploring the arts district. The arts district has a ton of really amazing street art, hip cafes, and terrible walkways. We saw the Springs yoga studio, a place called the Bread Lounge, and the American Tea Room. The tea room was absolutely beautiful, with high shelves full of tea and a spacious cafe area with hardwood floors and couches. It looked like an artist loft. I got a Thai iced tea there which was delicious.

VS and I head east afterwards to fulfill our joint dream of Milk Jar Cookies. VS mentioned them to me a month ago and I’ve been wanting them since. They did not disappoint - we shared a Banana Split cookie (heaven) and a Salted Butterscotch cookie (more heaven). They were absolutely the best cookies I’ve ever tasted. Future cookies are ruined for me.

Wednesday turned towards an emotional note after VS and I parted ways. I went to my last workshop of the summer with FZ, CL, and ML. It was a fun piece, taught by ACA members, in the very distinct Franklin Yu / ACA style. I had fun cheering for them while we did groups at the end. After the workshop, we grabbed boba / shaved ice afterwards in Sawtelle and shared dance vids and conversation. CL found great amusement in my shaved ice ordering process, which took quite a long time hah.

Saying goodbye to FZ was the hardest. I remember how happy I was to see her in Boston last year, but now she’s in LA and that’s so far away from NYC. It’s been a sweet dream to hang out with her this month. Thankfully Boston is close(ish) to me, so there’s some chance on holidays to reconnect.

Overall Wednesday hit the hardest. On Thursday I anticipated saying goodbye to Dual Core, and that thought alone, plus the hard work of packing and weighing, left me numb. 

Choreo showcase was absolutely lit though. AT left me shook, and J killed it. He has such good muscle control and is so fluid. Lship did great, and Axis showed up too and 2 of their members performed. One of their directors danced in fricken high heels with fem choreo and ugh soo goood. The couple piece was also very cutesy and very in sync.

I performed my choreo in front of an actual audience for the first time. I used “Heavy” by Linkin Park ft. Kiiara to choreograph a hip-hop / contemp piece. It’s a bit weird to dance to something that I currently don’t have the perspective of (”Heavy” is probably about depression”), as I was overall very happy this summer. Regardless, it does feel very good to be angsty / emotional through dance. I’m very grateful for my teammates for snapchatting my piece and being super supportive through the process, through the performance, and after the performance. I enjoyed it thoroughly :) I’m really happy I took this step despite being a novice dancer. There’s nothing quite like choreographing something, compared to other creative mediums I’ve been exposed to. It feels special.

Banquet was a good time with some team bonding (arguably more pair-bonding) activities. We moved to a street corner and finished with gift / gear distribution and final thoughts. Dual Core was Yu-Gi-Oh themed, and not only was our team gear Yu-Gi-Oh themed, but we all got a personalized Yu-Gi-Oh card as well and a bag of notes from team members. It was awesome. Final thoughts were pretty emotional and our dance Lship opened up a bit about how much Dual Core meant to them this summer. It was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.

We finished out with our Dual Core cheer, using our tangible Yu-Gi-Oh cards and wearing our gear. We took some pictures too, having members flank the sides and point camera flashes into our faces, as it was about midnight and the street corner light was far too dim. And then, to finish off the perfection, I finally got my motorcycle ride with AW. We circled the block twice. It was adrenaline and wind and houses and sky. The way the bike accelerated took my breath away (literally) and made my body feel so light.

For lunch we get really filling tacos + horchata at Grand Central Market, which never hurts.

The evening is comprised of DS’s bday party, which gets pretty lit. It starts off as a pizza party then (d)evolves to a countup to 21 shots, which is definitely a bit overboard. It’s fun though - I meet a handful of friendly people who work with my friends at Snap. One is a dancer and actually went to MNW last summer. 

Sunday is insane. It’s photoshoot followed by our final videoshoot for Dual Core. The photoshoot was fun - I’ve never prepped this hard or dressed this well for any photoshoot before. R helped me straighten my hair and A helped with my eyeliner and eyebrows and lipstick. E even let me borrow her necklance. It was definitely a team effort, and I felt like a million bucks.

The videoshoot afterwards took almost 5 hours, but the results were very satisfying. It’s amazing to see how different something appears on camera vs watching it being recorded. There’s these cool wide angled shots and transitions that D put in. It all feels very professional.

Tuesday is a day of relaxation as I finish off my choreo and sketch a bit. We block our final piece during practice and get boba from our lovely videographer. It’s really cool to see people practicing their original choreos during practice too. AT comes over afterwards to play Canon, which I happily oblige. This starts a trend of me having people in the apartment play Canon throughout the week.

Wednesday was nothing too extra, just me sneaking into wooden to learn choreo with AW and the gang for showcase, getting gushi afterwards, and watching gook with dual core peeps. The biggest takeaway from the movie was the f u scene, which we all found to be amusing.

On Thursday I went to the Getty (finally) after hearing about it for so long. It was definitely worth the trip as it was lovely and even wedding worthy. I loved the exterior more than the interior, as the architecture and gardens (and the view!!) just blew me away. The art collections were still good though as standard museum fare. They had tours during the day; I went on an impressionist art tour that turned out to be pretty interesting.

Thursday’s practice was lit - it was gender swap day, and our all-male team Lship went all out. We strutted in front of the other team, axis, dying of laughter, before having our regular practice almost an hour late. It’s unreal having the last practice end this day, unreal to imagine never walking to this parking lot again for these reasons and for these people and times. I’m going to miss the announcements, the stretches, the grooves, the shout-outs, the derpy things we do. I’m going to miss our weeb cheer too.

Friday was a slow paced day full of lychee jellos from 99 ranch (and other junk foods), indian takeout, imitation game, and chilling with GG. It’s my last Friday night here - it would have been nice to go clubbing or whatnot for it, yet I love the reality of doing nothing.

Saturday is a hot day. The team spends the day shopping for videoshoot clothes on 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica. It’s a cheery place full of tourists and musicians and palm trees and outdoor decor. When I get back FZ and KT and I pick up DA and grab some bday cakes. We then head over to dinner with some lovable idiots and grab drinks after with just the 3 of us. The bar is blasting the top hits of our childhood and we get a lighter for our candles and extra drinks by accident. It’s quite the scene as we take pictures for each of us blowing our candles and making wishes. It’s more perfect than I could have imagined.

To top off this birthday weekend, Sunday was absolutely legit. We travel to CSUN for the shoot. The hardest part was the heat and the bees, but AC was there for the majority of the time. The classroom scene was pretty great to do, and the studio we rented out was unreal. We had a fog machine and a bunch of flashing club lights for the rave scenes we needed, and we looked sexy af for our opening piece. We had a bit of a photoshoot afterwards against the colorful graffiti art wall that covered an entire wall of the studio floor.

Afterwards we headed to BCD tofu house and then to CH’s place for some casual karaoke. Turns out MH can sing opera and she charmed us all as she took on Phantom of the Opera. As things typically go, the hangout devolved (or evolved?) into watching dance videos from 1M and K&M and Foundations and ACA and, well, everything. After midnight hit the remaining members performed a sleepy rendition of happy bday before we headed out to close off this intense and fulfilling day.

Monday is also strangely perfect - it starts with a cute phone call from my mom and sisters. FZ and KT and I go to the Hart and the Hunter for brunch, who accommodated my request for birthday champagne and who also had good food. We send KT off, not before singing 22 obnoxiously and happily annoying FZ; I videochat VP and take a glorious nap afterwards.

Sunday is absolutely awesome. The team goes out to the beach and we grill burgers, frolick on the sand (and some in the water), relive choreos of past quarters, and play a multitude of board games. As the sun sets we cook ground beef under camera lights for tacos and get to see AW be a fire dj. Around the campfire we sing and talk and eat s’mores. It’s very wholesome.

The weekdays are full of attempts to be productive by continuing viscom homework, youtube videos and board games (Bloodlust is an amazing game). DS finally makes it to a workshop with me and we check out NSU and go to In-N-Out afterwards. The workshop was pretty fun; it felt quite contemp.

Wednesday is nice; I hit up a Russian restaurant with 5 pals and we share a good assortment of dishes family style. It was really, really tasty. We go to a festival close to Griffith and get decent views of the city.

On Thursday I finally get to meet M, SL’s mentor. He’s great and the rest of sketch club is as well. After our lunch I get a tour of Sony with ET and get to talk more with M. I finally understand the hype behind why SL was so happy to be his mentee.

Afterwards EC drives VS and I to SL’s farewell bonfire on the beach. It’s a chill time mingling with friendly faces. I meet CT, who’s pretty cool. 

After various logistical shenanigans, we head back to Steven’s place. I split off to hang with HZ for part 2 of her bday celebrations. We end up crashing some program party before calling it a night. Shoutout to YN for letting me borrow party worthy clothes. 

Sunday includes the last 2 classes of CDA. It’s a fitting ending for both classes. Kevin took a bunch of questions for Analytical and it was great seeing everyone’s finished work in viscom.

That evening is hanging with FZ and while packing and moving. I hangout late in Marina Del Rey for kicks and work on my dance routine the following day and watch WZ play almost pro-level Overwatch. I catch a glimpse of the eclipse on the nasa live stream because silly me didn’t bother to buy eclipse glasses.

Sunday is the airplane museum, which is our coolest field trip yet. At the same time I’m grateful that it’s the last field trip - traveling each Sunday on top of getting to Pas has been exhausting. My week with VS ends this day, meaning home is a little more quiet than usual.

I end up vidchatting the nyc roomies, which is lovely. I’m somewhat sad that I won’t be in nyc as soon as I used to anticipate. It’s really nice being able to catch up.

I get a late dinner Sunday evening with FZ and the crew at Tsujita. I gotta admit I wasn’t thrilled with Tsujita the first time I went, but this time was perfect and blew my bad taste memories of the place out of the water. That soft boiled egg was heaven.

On Tuesday I get lunch with SD and WY at Tatsu with boba in celebration of summer and the fact that SD is going back to Malaysia before fall quarter starts. On Thursday I celebrate HZ’s bday with good sushi, and on Friday I eat a legendary tastings dinner with wine pairing with ET and SL at Maude in Beverly Hills. I’m really happy to have seen people this week, as for the most part I sat buried in newsprint cramming art hw with all available time.

I finally get afters ice cream before class, thanks to MH’s suggestion.  It was the most extra thing I’ve eaten in awhile. Ice cream...in a glazed donut?? Excessive.

Huntington Gardens is gorgeous (and $$). There were so many plants and trees from the whole globe, arranged in neat sections. We walked through the Chinese gardens and sketched, then to the Japanese gardens. A group of cosplayers had a photoshoot beneath our vantage point, which I found to be amusing. Overall, it was a fun day despite our many mosquito bites. Our guest teacher was amazing for this field trip, and gave a fresh perspective on environments.

VS gets to be my Westwood buddy and guest for the week! It’s cool that it ended up working out. We grab Korean food on the way back home (the kimchi was great) and settle in. Sunday is full of figures, tanks, sweltering weather, and rushing to Foundations tryouts in the evening. Tryouts take longer than expected, but in the end it all comes together.

On Monday KT and I check out the Voice Duels. It ends up being a whole day affair, but our process is much more expedited compared to my first time. We treat ourselves to Voodoo donuts afterwards. SL comes late that day for storyboarding, so I whip up some foods per usual.

The rest of the week is busy with the first rounds of Dual Core practice, which eats up 8+ hours (but is so worth, the team is lit), wandering around Westwood with VS, Hammer Museum, really good Persian food, a great day in Arcadia with the CDA international students (lunch + boba + gallery nucleus), entertaining MC and his roomie with an NSU workshop, and an excellent dinner at some Korean place with FZ and the Snap crew. 

My favorite part of Siggraph is always the electronic theater and the animation festival. But this year the animation festival is replaced by vr theater, which had limited seats and long ticket lines. Tragedy.

I still remember how it was to student volunteer and am consciously nice to all the student volunteers. There’s some aspects of volunteering that I miss, but overall it’s pretty liberating to not volunteer - there’s no running to check in for shifts and my schedule is completely my own.

On Monday I visit my impromptu Siggraph buddy PL at her studio shift and print some sick af photos. The rest of my day is spent at Disney hair and water talks relating to Moana. PL and I wait for a Beauty and the Beast production session, which gets cancelled (rip), but we have a good time chilling. She donates her extra theater and food stubs, and I end up inviting SL to hang for those events. It ends up being a great night full of animation eye candy and good food at the reception afterwards.

The rest of that week includes a cool look at the Planet of the Apes, Beauty and the Beast, a handful of Production Sessions, and meandering through the Emerging Tech section and Exhibition floor. Wednesday was great because of the Cornell dinner and Renderman teapots. At the Cornell dinner I learn that many of the friends I made while TA’ing graphics are at Siggraph, so we mobilize on Thursday for lunch and a couple academic talks.

The highlight of Siggraph is definitely still the electronic theatre, but other notable happenings include a live giraffe in the convention center for animal figure drawing and digital dodgeball in emerging tech.

I get Japanese chinchinkurin pancakes with GD and his friend MC on Thursday. I also get this overly large cream puff, which is unfortunately underwhelming and a poor use of $3. It’s meh for the same reason I find sushirittos to be meh: the bread and cream ratio per bite is messed up, just like the fish to rice ratio per sushiritto bite is messed up.

My art homework is starting to go down this downward spiral of being a bit much to handle. I want my sleep, so I end up compromising. rip.

BJ and I get some Thai food and very affordable Thai iced tea in Pas early Saturday morning. We talk about her blog post and share some stories. It was nice to have someone who’s been there and understands the messy stuff, probably more than I do.

The Bay Area feels different. I see the place as a tourist instead of as an intern or an interviewee. I visit fb and linkedin, enjoying the new offices that linkedin has. It’s a good time to catch up with my old linkedin intern buddies, and to say hi to some old coworkers.

Monday evening was nice. I get dinner with CZ and crew, and we play Codenames afterwards. I always seem to forget how lovely people are and then are suddenly reminded of it when I see them again.

Tuesday felt strangely hectic, whatwith visiting Berkeley to see JW and FH and figuring this whole BART thing out. JC gives me an office tour in sf and I get to visit his apartment, which has a breathtaking view of the city. I can’t imagine what it would be like to wake up to that every day.

I finally get that long-awaited Zynga tour from KP. Their offices are so fun and upbeat, and they are located in this old mall with overhanging balconies above an airy atrium. I get a picture next to this Farmville poster in tribute to all those hours I spent trying to save my virtual crops.

After a dinner with JL, I attend a Reddit CEO talk briefly. TC and I chill afterwards, and DZ joins us. We end up playing some board games at an Asian dessert place that served really really good mango puree. I get pretty sad as my brief visit to the Bay ends. Although I don’t like the place too much, there’s many memories and faces here that are easily forgotten.

Seattle is lively. I get dinner with DS feat. stuy and EL, and get part 1 of his world tour adventures. part 2 will probably happen once we’re all in LA. I see EL again the next day, and we take a leisurely walk around Lake Union, talking about our aspirations and such. Dinner that day is really good ramen in Capitol Hill with the elusive SK and the less elusive AW. We end up playing this entertaining co-op cooking game in their apartment later.

That Friday is busy. I visit AZ at her offices, which comes with an astounding view in the tallest building in Seattle. We drive to Vancouver that night, have drinks and tell stories. It was interesting. 

Our Saturday in Vancouver is full of food, trying to find parking, walking around aimlessly, and immersing ourselves in touristy sights. It feels strange to see Stanley Park again for the first time in 3 years. It hasn’t been too long for me to forget what it was like as a rising sophomore, breathing in the waves along the sea and running along the rocks carefree and thinking I had the world and myself figured out. I feel heavier now. I wonder if this is what happens when we grow older.

We get home late and grab beers. It’s craft beer, and I surprise myself by enjoying it quite a lot. I think it was what they call a sour beer.

That Sunday is spent hiking Mailbox Peak (new trail). We masterfully climb the first 4/5 of the hike, only to repeatedly die a lot inside during the last 1/5, taking breaks every 10 minutes as each bend led to more hill and rock instead of a mailbox. But during this last stretch we get the most glorious views of the chilly fog wrapping itself in blankets around the peak and the startling vivid colors of the surrounding flowers stark against the sandy paths. It is an otherworldly sort of dazzling. The peak itself provided meh views compared to this portion of the hike.

The mailbox itself is covered in so many stickers it looks like some tech laptops I’ve seen at Cornell. We add our signatures to the box and peek inside at the many souvenirs left in the box. AZ reads the mementos while AL leaves his own touch on the flagpole. Our legs are dead.

We take a long break to eat food and not be standing for once. But the sun kept moving, and so we had to move to avoid traversing bad terrain in the dark. The way back was full of pictures, sharp intakes of breath at the beautiful views, and a lot of stumbling.

We have broken conversation as we quickly walk and run down the mountain the same way we came. In the last half hour we lose good vision of the path, so we crowd around A and her phone flashlight. It’s a bit spooky. Tree trunks are so innocent but the silhouettes they cast, especially severed tree trunks, are plenty to spark scary images in our imaginations. We make it down safe and sound tho.

My last day in Seattle was spent grabbing lunch at fb with KC and peeps, and then wandering around in Kent before getting a tour with MH. I haven’t seen MH in 2 years, but it’s almost as if no time has passed (oops, cliche). We share stories during a scenic dinner in West Seattle with a great view of the skyline during a cloudless sunset. We eat the most delicious Korean-Mexican fusion food I’ve ever had.

I escape class a little early to pick up a dessert from Wanderlust Creamery. The flavors were out of this world and so, so good. The people there are extremely friendly and we have a pleasant conversation about the meaning of Grand Cru.

Afterwards I eat at a good Mexican place - Guisado’s - in Burbank with some art students. The horchata was fantastic. Burbank is where Walt Disney is, and it’s a cute place with a bustling shopping and food scene and plenty of people without it being a crowd.

On Monday SL gives me a nice run-down of storyboarding in exchange for dinner. I learned a useful handful of tidbits for composition and gestural perspective lines. Tuesday is nice as JF comes to Westwood and we hit up a Samahang workshop together. Both of us die a bit inside because the choreo is impossible, but it’s loads of fun.

W gives me a wonderful tour of ucla on Wednesday. We hit up all the main areas of campus, minus some athletic fields and some intimidating steps on the Hill.

As we walk around, there’s a gap in the street that reveals a tunnel passage below. We see cars parked on either end of this tunnel beneath us, and colored smoke rising into the sky. There’s about a couple hundred of people below there, taking pictures of models in the colored smoke or taking part of what seems to be some kind of music video. There’s some professional lighting equipment down there as well. We stand there for a while, entertained and confused once more.

After crashing some kind of freestyle rap event next to a fancier area, VN and I try to figure out how to join the photographers one level below. Google wasn’t exactly helpful in getting us there, so we end up watching from above yet again. The people have toned down the colored smoke and we now watch three fireblowers instead. Interesting stuff. We wonder if this sort of thing occurs regularly.

On Monday, BZ was in town for AnimeExpo, so I got to chill with him and G. We end up walking around the downtown area towards a Japanese comic book store and grabbing the same bubble tea from last summer.

That evening was spent with SL and his sketch club friends. We play the classic fish bowl word game and then try to go to the beach for bonfires. After about an hour of driving around trying to find a suitable beach, we decide on the Santa Monica pier. It was a great car ride though - we told each other stories, cozy with each other’s company.

At the beach we take off our shoes and stand in the water, watching the dark waves rise and fall under the flights of the pier. We talk about our futures and our dreams. Everyone is hopeful. I hope time doesn’t destroy that.

My actual July 4th was spent in downtown LA, with CZ and her roomies and some friends. Everyone is happy, talkative. We get tacos, check out the Perch, and head to the park just as the fireworks start.

At the first boom, HK and I start running towards the sound. The fountain area is too dense to traverse efficiently, so we climb a large stone sign and enjoy the next 15 minutes as the sky bursts into color. It’s a good show.

Getting home proves to be much more difficult than expected, as different areas of the city were walled off for fireworks, ride sharing was prohibitively expensive, and the buses were delayed. But we make it.