wolf 359 AU where everything is the same except Hera and Eiffel switch places
Sarcastic communications officer Hera who is extremely talented in multiple areas and is always salty about being assigned the job as a communications officer of all things and ending up on the bottom of the chain of command despite being overqualified for most of the possible jobs on board
She constantly complains about her talents being wasted
Ā«Communications officer. Is that even a real thing? Are they fucking with me?? Seriously, I know more about technology and history than anyone on this station, Iām the best shuttle pilot theyāve ever seen, I can hack any computer in less than 30 seconds and I get assigned as a communications officer!?Ā»
She thinks the other crew members are a pain in the ass, but has managed to strike up a friendship with the stations artificial intelligence, I-FEL
For the first few hundred days, Hera thought his name was spelled āEiffelā
It was only once she saw his name written down she realized it was an abbreviation (at first she didnāt even realize who command was talking about. Ā«I-FEL? What the fuck is that?Ā» āĀ«.. itās me HeraĀ» Ā«What the entire fuck?!Ā»)
She thinks its bullshit that he doesnāt have a proper name and decides that from now on his name is Eiffel. When the now newly dubbed Eiffel complains that Ā«Eiffel sounds like a last name, I need a first name too if youāre gonna name meĀ» Hera panics and blurts out Douglas, which Eiffel immediatly shortens to Doug, and thats that
Eiffel (I-FEL) is an absolute mess of an AI
He flat out REFUSES to say what his name stands for, and if asked he makes jokes about it being a callback to old-fashioned Apple products and claims itās spelled as iFel, even though itās clearly not
Eiffel has access to all knowledge ever know by man and more but he only cares about shitty pop-culture and memes
He uses a lot of slang, because he thinks the evolution of the human language is super cool and useful and thinks itāll help him connect with the crew, but when it turns out most of them are dicks and dislike it, he continues with renewed vigour on his mission to piss them off
Minkowski and Hilbert donāt really like him. They think heās unproffessional, unefficient and annoying. Theyāre probably right.
Heās lazy and stubborn, makes bad jokes and references and only ever listens to Hera
Like sure, he keeps all the systems running and makes sure everyone is safe and does what heās supposed to if the situation is life-threatening, and his coding says he has to do what the crew asks, and he does, but only to a certain degree
He finds every possible looohole and workaround for commands given by Minkowski or Hilbert. If they want him to do something the have to be incredibly specific or he will do it wrong on purpose
Ā«Turn on the lights in this room.Ā»
Ā«Turn on the lights in this room that are closest to me.Ā»
Ā«Turn on the lights in this room that are closest to me at a brightness that makes it possible to see.Ā»
Ā«Turn on the lights in this room that are closest to me at a brightness that makes it possible to see, but not so bright that it blinds me.Ā»
Minkowski needed 231 words to get him to close a door and Hilbert had to write a 15 page essay to get more power directed to his lab.
Meanwhile, he does whatever Hera wants, even with the vaguest instructions.
She loves to rub it in the others faces and takes full advantage of this, going so far as to have the station lights shut off whenever she leaves a room and turn on when she enters, giving her a sort of portable spotlight
If Minkowski or Hilbert need light they have to follow Hera wherever she goes cause you bet Eiffel always turns off the lights everywhere else in the station
He says itās to conserve power, but they all know heās being a little shit
Also, Eiffel is a conspiracy theorist and always rambling to Hera about how he thinks Hilbert is a crazy evil scientist whoās experimenting on them all
This turns out to have been his way of exploiting a loophole in the commands Hilbert has given him to keep quiet about his experiments and heād been trying to warn Hera about the decima virus experiments and the doctors murder plans all along
(Although, he doesnt only theorize about Hilbert and most of his theories are off-the-wall crazy, so it isnt really a surprise that no-one takes them seriously. Which is good cause otherwise Hilbert would have tightened the restrictions on what he could say even more)
Hilbert is immensely annoyed by Eiffel and tries to mess with his code to make him ābetterā, but Hera is a lot better at tech stuff than him and Eiffel is always back up and running as usual with his personality restored within ten minutes
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