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I’ll soon be wrapping up a course on existentialism and philosophy at school and I wanted to take some time before the exam on Heidegger to think about what my relationship with Death is. To be honest, I haven’t had any particularly grueling experiences with death or dying loved ones. No funerals that I’ve genuinely cried at, no pets that I’ve lost that I felt particularly lonely without. So I guess it’s not as deep a relationship as it could be. Or maybe not?

Heidegger philosophizes that the best way to live one’s life and the entire purpose of Being is to recognize your own relationship with Death and it’s eventual arrival. Death is the one thing that individualizes us since no one can die for us. It is non-relational because nothing else at all can compare to it. Death is non-Being, and thus the opposite of our own very Being. The idea here is that in acknowledging Death in everything we do, we can live a more full life unconstrained by the wishes and zeitgeist of the society we surround ourselves in.

With that, I have to admit that I think about my own death fairly often. As someone with extensive mental health problems and illness, so many times I have wished for the angel of non-Being to take me away and erase my existence on this plane. Maybe part of that is why when I bounce back to life I feel untethered from the society that wants to push and pull me in so many directions. When I choose life, I choose my own life, wholeheartedly. Now it takes some time to get back to be able to feel desires and pleasures again, but when I do, I know exactly how to recognize those feelings and what they mean to me. 

Being-towards-Death is a concept I’ve come across before though. Once a friend was giving me a pep-talk about reasons to live and the once thing that really hit me in the face was when he said, “It’s coming no matter what, so why rush it?” It’s like a light bulb goes off then that acknowledges that Death is not an option, it’s a guarantee. It’s not something I need to particularly rush, especially if Being-towards-Death is about living to my fullest potential while I can. 

It’s cuffing season. The time of year where everyone needs a snuggle buddy and a warm hand to hold. I’m looking forward to cool fall weather, but by myself instead of with someone next to me. I want to appreciate myself this fall. I want to be able to go on pumpkin spice latte dates with my roommates, host a friendsgiving, light candles to watch a spooky movie next to. I want to go on walks and feel the breeze in my hair and enjoy the smells of fresh fallen leaves and earth preparing for the cold ahead.

It’s also a bit of a preparation season. Time to be thankful for everything we have in the warmer months before hunkering down for December snowfalls. To make pies and jams and to knit scarves and mittens. To spend time outside before it gets too cold to appreciate the lapping of the water on the river and the fresh air blowing across your face. I love the feel of autumn. For someone who can’t stand being hot all summer and whose fingers and toes are numb almost all winter, autumn is the perfect cozy in-between.