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we're not kids anymore.

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
YOU ARE THE REASON

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@keejee30
FVCK

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Words left unspoken are like string wrapped around your throat
It grips hard and painful until you bleed
You can only surmise the causation of cowardice
And, grieve on truth you can never know
In this sprawling sea of madness
I get to bask the wave in its full strength
I resist to remain sober
Dehydrated and sleepless
Blood and tears
Until all that is left is to get carried by the brute force
I don't get drowned, no strength to feel it
My body is crushed to bits and pieces
Blood or bones, who can recognize?
This is the story of resistance and death
You don't have to fight, just float
And in the process you lose yourself and soul
Intrusive thoughts will suck the life out of you
You will disappear
Done with the natural process
You're gone
Soul.
Where will it go?
Wandering
A lifeless energy waiting to be absorbed by another natural process
Beautiful
Romantic Piano Moods Spotify Playlist
Slowly fading into the abyss.
Drifting to the void, helpless.

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Hey T,
So I got a fcking fever. No cough. No colds. Just a fucking fever and a headache.
Every night I do have a little ritual where I wash my feet before going to sleep. Today, it felt like I went for a deep freeze foothbath in Siberia.
Now I'm freezing and my head is turning awful.
I took a paracetamol already but Im still freezing.
Wake me up tomorrow
hey T,
So after cried myself to sleep last night, I dreamed of my late brother. In my dream I woke up seeing him surprising us all that he came back from Manila. His hair is freshly cut and he was talking to all of the people here. He was happy and surprised that the house is now new.
The atmosphere is happy.
I was happy.
Then before I could talk to him, I woke up.
Upon waking up, the first thing that comes to my mind is a question.
"It's been a long time we haven't seen him. When he's coming back home?"
Then it dawn on me, "oh he's gone". He's not coming back.
T,
I don't believe in ghost. But I do believe in the concept of soul and dreams are messages from your subconscious mind.
The last time I dreamed of him was when I was on a physical and emotional trauma after the typhoon.
Now, he has visited me again. Or, the idea of him visiting me again appears out of my subconsciousness.
Due to age gap, I never had really a good bond with him. But, neither a bad blood. However, our souls, just like the rest of our family, are forged in this home. And that is something deeper than the pysical bond.
And when a sudden death comes without you having a chance to reconnect and say goodbye, it's so painful.
Did I grieve of him dying?
I'm not sure.
I feel I'm getting sick again.
My body is tired. My soul is tired.
But I have to put up a good show for another day to keep things appear to be normal.
Keep things normal
Keep things the way it is
Sigh
死んじゃうと夕焼けも見られないね
You can't see the sunset when you die
Pava Wülfert Untitled XIII, 2019
Absolutely

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Details: Seascape, Alfred Thompson Bricher, 1890
Alejandra Pizarnik, tr. by Yvette Siegert, from “The Possessed Among The Lilacs”, Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962 - 1972
i watch myself sleep / more

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Why does it have to be this hard?
!!!
Change is not scary.
But,
Change is always hard.
Sigh