keejee

It grips hard and painful until you bleed

You can only surmise the causation of cowardice

I get to bask the wave in its full strength

I resist to remain sober

Dehydrated and sleepless

Blood and tears

Until all that is left is to get carried by the brute force

I don't get drowned, no strength to feel it

My body is crushed to bits and pieces

Blood or bones, who can recognize?

This is the story of resistance and death

Intrusive thoughts will suck the life out of you

You will disappear

Done with the natural process

You're gone

Soul.

Where will it go?

Wandering

A lifeless energy waiting to be absorbed by another natural process

So I got a fcking fever. No cough. No colds. Just a fucking fever and a headache.

Every night I do have a little ritual where I wash my feet before going to sleep. Today, it felt like I went for a deep freeze foothbath in Siberia.

Now I'm freezing and my head is turning awful.

I took a paracetamol already but Im still freezing.

So after cried myself to sleep last night, I dreamed of my late brother. In my dream I woke up seeing him surprising us all that he came back from Manila. His hair is freshly cut and he was talking to all of the people here. He was happy and surprised that the house is now new.

The atmosphere is happy.

I was happy.

Then before I could talk to him, I woke up.

Upon waking up, the first thing that comes to my mind is a question.

"It's been a long time we haven't seen him. When he's coming back home?"

Then it dawn on me, "oh he's gone". He's not coming back.

T,

I don't believe in ghost. But I do believe in the concept of soul and dreams are messages from your subconscious mind.

The last time I dreamed of him was when I was on a physical and emotional trauma after the typhoon.

Now, he has visited me again. Or, the idea of him visiting me again appears out of my subconsciousness.

Due to age gap, I never had really a good bond with him. But, neither a bad blood. However, our souls, just like the rest of our family, are forged in this home. And that is something deeper than the pysical bond.

And when a sudden death comes without you having a chance to reconnect and say goodbye, it's so painful.

Did I grieve of him dying?

I'm not sure.

I feel I'm getting sick again.

My body is tired. My soul is tired.

But I have to put up a good show for another day to keep things appear to be normal.

Keep things normal

Keep things the way it is

But,

Change is always hard.