of all the people in the world - sjy (m)
pairing. sim jaeyun x reader
synopsis. You know you should be ecstatic about the invitation to Chaewonâs and Jaeminâs wedding in your mailbox, but you canât help the nerves gnawing away at your stomach. There are too many things youâve left unresolved after moving to Seoulâyour aunt, your friends, and most of all Sim Jaeyun, the boy youâve never let yourself love.
genre. childhood/high school friends that grow apart to lovers, angsty fluff, small town au, mutual pining bc they're idiots, this is kind of like hometown but different i promise, SMUT MDNI !!!!
warnings. characters are aged up (late 20s), reader is a little clueless but she's doing her best okay, family issues and family member death, jake is exclusively referred to as jaeyun deal with it
word count. 35.3k
author's note. listen to the playlist here + as always a big thank you to @zreamy for beta reading this and freaking out over jaeyun!!! happy very very late birthday can't wait to name my firstborn child after you... Zreamy Lee what a beautiful name... im sure anton will be stoked when i let him know!
Most of the time When he looks at me I change my mind And I donât think he even cares a bit How much I have to give Just as long as Iâm awake To love him every day [...] Of all the people in the world [He] says my name the best Most of the Time, Jackie Evans
From his seat on the couch, Jaeyun stares at the golden inflated balloons spelling out âCongratulations, Y/N!â on the wall of your auntâs living room. The more he stares, the more the capital letters seem to be mocking him.Â
He allows himself one last moment of selfishness, during which he thinks the last thing he wants to do, today or ever, is to congratulate you on getting your one-way ticket out of this town. He downs his fruit punch and winces at the overly sweet, artificial taste, then marches towards the crowd around you, trying on different smiles that might seem convincing. None of them fit.
August is nearing its end already. Summer has always felt lazy, molasses-slow, pleasantly neverending to Jaeyunâthis year, it blinked by him. He closed his eyes as the schoolbell rang for their last ever period; he opens them again and he is here. Wasnât prom just yesterday? Graduation? Did he realize that the last bonfire party was just that, the last?Â
Your birthday isnât for another week, but youâre leaving tomorrow. Everyone huddles around you, eagerly awaiting your reaction as you open gifts. If it wasnât for the presents and the chocolate fudge cake waiting in the fridge, this wouldnât be a birthday party so much as a going-away party. The dreadful words on your wall make that clear: everyone here knows youâre much happier about leaving than about turning eighteen. You said so yourself a few days earlier, and Jaeyun tried his hardest not to burst into tears.
âI can celebrate my birthday every year. Iâll only get accepted into the program of my dreams once.âÂ
You were sitting, just the two of you, atop one of the hills that overlooked your town. Jaeyun knew that when you looked out, you already saw your past, while he could only see his whole life, past, present and future indistinguishable from each other, spreading out for miles and miles and miles.Â
Up until a few months ago, when Jaeyun looked at you, he could only see his whole life. But ever since you received your acceptance letter, he hasnât been so sure. He watched as you celebrated leaving him behind, stayed silent as you raved about your plans for the future. Plans he wasnât a part of. These past months have been the only time seeing you smile made him sad.
He stays at the back of the small crowd, close enough to make out your presents as you unwrap them but not quite joining in. Hands in his back pockets, he wears his best neutral expressionä¸if he canât fake a smile, he can at least try and not look so depressed. As your friend, he owes you that much. He might hate every moment of this but heâd feel even worse, knowing he was raining on your parade.
You seem to like your gifts. After spending your teenage years together, your friends know what you like. Scented candles, cute notebooks that youâll probably keep preciously rather than actually use, a personalized calendar for the upcoming school year with a different picture of you and your loved ones every month. Jaeyun shows up a few times in group pictures; itâs just the two of you in April, which is too far away for his liking. Far away enough for you to have forgotten all about him.
As you flip through the calendar, despite your friendsâ protest for the pictures to be a surprise each month, itâs on April that you linger the most. Thereâs a small smile on your face, a sad smile. Your fingers play with the pendant on your necklace, Jaeyunâs gift that he gave you before everyone else even arrived. It was too intimate a gift for him to hand it to you in front of all your friends. He almost died of embarrassment when your eyebrows rose at the sight of the delicate, silver chain, of the letter âJâ hanging off it, and it was just the two of you; if anyone else had been in the room, his shyness wouldâve gotten the best of him, and the jewelry box wouldâve stayed safely tucked in his coat pocket.
You lift your gaze towards him. He didnât even know youâd noticed him joining everyone, and yet your eyes found him immediately. He has no idea what on Earth is going through your head. Are you finally realizing that the days of seeing each other every single day are over? Are you finally figuring him out, how it isnât only friendship that has kept him by your side all these years, but the feeling deep in his gut that he gets whenever he thinks of you?
Do you have that feeling, too?
Your eyes shine. For a second, Jaeyun thinks you might start to cry. Then someone, Miji or Yurim, who knows, says that sheâs on the next page. Your gaze falls back to the calendar in your hands. Your fingers let go of your necklace, and you flip Jaeyunâs page.
.
.
A tight ball of dread has been sitting in your stomach ever since you got that letter in the mail. Youâve tried to rationalize it many ways: it feels weird to receive a wedding invitation, the first from someone out of your childhood group of friends. Even more so when that someone is the girl you called your best friend for all of your teenage years, but you arenât sure you deserve that title anymore. Even more so when youâre 28 and couldnât be further from drafting a wedding invitation yourself.
You know what it really is: itâs the address for the reception, the name of a place in which you havenât set foot in years blinking innocently up at you. Itâs the second piece of paper inside the envelope, a handwritten note asking you to come a few days earlier so that all of you âcan gather just like the good old times.â
Iâm getting married, Y/N. Iâm turning into a proper adult. I just want one last time of feeling like a sixteen year old, and I canât have that without you here. Say youâll be there, pretty please? XX
You remember sighing after reading that note, your brain already coming up with excuses to justify your future absence, fully aware that you wouldnât miss this wedding for the world.Â
Damn Chaewon, you thought then, and still regularly think now. Damn her and her emotional manipulation, as youâve decided to view it, forcing you to make that dreaded trip homeânot that you really consider that place home anymore.
It was a wonder that you and Chaewon were such good friends back then, good enough to still keep in touch throughout your adult lives. Just like every baby in the family, she was born in the upstairs bedroom of their home, the mayorâs daughter, known and loved by everyone in town, and had always adored her small-town life. You showed up out of nowhere at age fourteen, initially making no effort to befriend anyone, annoyed by the whispers that followed you. You wanted to leave as soon as you arrived, and you eventually did; although along the way, Chaewonâs kind-heartedness melted even your ice walls, and you gradually opened the gates to let the other kids in.
For almost a decade, youâve been working to close those gates again. You were almost there; they were barely agape, there was just that tiny thread that kept an infinitesimal part of you tethered to that place, and you were sure it was close to snapping. Chaewon and her damn wedding invitation pushed the gates back open, and it took you all your strength to not look back and walk through again.
You left something there, and you arenât sure youâre ready to retrieve it.Â
The ball of dread, as though tethered to a chain around your ankle, wonât stop following you. Up until now, you hadnât noticed how much everything around you seemed to revolve around romance. The TV you watched. The content on your phone. Couples in the street. Even your work was full of it. Youâre the editor for the Culture and Media segment of Limelight Monthly, the magazine you work at, not Relationships or even Lifestyle, and yet, in the weeks after receiving the invitation, it felt like all your staff could write about were the latest romance novels everyone raved about online, the best reality TV shows about exes getting back together or forever-singles searching for their first love, and which destinations were the most romantic for couples to travel to this summer.Â
You do a good job hiding it at first. Although youâre not as focused as you usually are reading your staffâs articles to greenlight them for publication, two years of doing this job means no typos or clunky sentences pass you by. You make sure to greet everyone with your usual cheer, and you donât miss any Thursday evening afterwork drinks, a tradition of your teamâs. Most of the time, youâre able to relegate Chaewonâs wedding and everything it entails to the back of your mind, but itâll come back up at random moments. Youâll be filling the kettle for tea in the communal kitchen when a certain face will fill the forefront of your thoughts; your heart will start beating uncontrollably, and before you know it, water will be overflowing from the kettle and onto your hands. Youâll stare at the awfully familiar name of a book character in one of your coworkersâ reviews and only snap out of it once someoneâs called your name three times in a row, like being summoned out of a trance.Â
These moments are few and far between, but they add up. When your coworkers ask you whether everythingâs okay, at first, itâs lighthearted, like theyâre just curious about what got you so lost in your thoughts. Slowly, eyebrows start to furrow, concern starts creeping in their eyes and voice. Youâre one zone-out away from an intervention. A few days ago, you overheard Juhee and Haewon, your teamâs two most recent recruits, whispering in the break room about their concern for your well-being: âI think she goes home and just, I donât know, has takeaway and white wine in front of her TV.â
Theyâre wrong about the takeaway. Youâre actually a pretty decent cook. The rest of their sentiment, however⌠Well.
It takes Minjeong, your favorite coworker-turned-friend, a couple of weeks before she decides to take matters into her own hands. One Tuesday after work, she waits for you outside the buildingâs main entrance, and as soon as you step outside, grabs your wrist and drags you to the subway station thatâll lead both of you to her apartment. âIâm making you chicken alfredo and youâre telling me what the hell is wrong with you,â she says before you can protest.
You wrench your wrist out of her grasp, shrug on the bag strap that had fallen off your shoulder with a discontented huff, and follow her anyway. âFine, but Iâm only coming for the chicken alfredo.â
âIâll tie you down to the chair until you speak.â
âKinky.â
She halts dead in her tracks in the middle of the busy street, ignoring the nasty stares from the other homebound office workers heading for the station. She turns to face you, wearing a severe expression. âIâve known you for five years, and youâve never cried in front of me. Not even when we watched Titanic.â
Nonplussed, you reply, âI already knew how it ended.â
âThatâs not the point. Itâs usually impossible to get a read on you, so when not one or two, but three people come up to me and ask whether youâre alright, that means somethingâs seriously wrong. Iâd be a terrible friend if I didnât try to find out what that was.â
You hesitate. Youâre embarrassed that youâve been so obvious, and that youâre even this upset in the first place. Who on Earth has such a hard time being happy about her childhood best friendâs upcoming wedding? Your first reaction shouldâve been to call Chaewon and rave with her and ask for all the details. You should be sending her pictures of potential dresses and asking her which one fits her color palette the best. You shouldnât be needing the aforementioned intervention.
It isnât like you have to follow Minjeong and air your dirty laundry out to her. If it came to it, your couple inches over her might help you win a physical fight. But something about her sincere concern makes you foldâhow long has it been since you let someone worry about you like this? Long enough that you forgot how nice it feels, apparently.
She must sense a shift in your demeanor, because she relaxes. âLetâs go,â she says, and this time, she doesnât need to drag you with her.
From the moment you met Minjeong, you knew she came from money. It wasnât that she flaunted it or appeared out-of-touch with reality; she just had a way of moving through the world with the air of confidence of someone who knew they belonged, who was used to getting what they wanted. It also helped that she often came to work with a new designer bag and always had flawless hair and nails.
It intimidated you at first, the way she seemed to have worked in this office her whole life, whereas it took you weeks before you stopped being so eager to please and be overly polite with everyone. But it quickly became clear that although you found her infinitely cool, she wasnât cold. You didnât work for the same segment, but you spent your lunch breaks together, getting scolded by your respective bosses more than once for coming back half-an-hour late; you would often be so busy talking, you wouldnât keep track of the time.
But it wasnât until you stepped inside her apartment for the first time that you realized just how wealthy she, or her family, was. She lived in one of the fanciest neighborhoods of town, in an apartment that you could hardly afford now as an editor, let alone when you were just starting out at the magazineâyet sheâd been living there since graduating from university. Itâs on the top floor of a brand new apartment complex and composed of three bedrooms and two bathrooms, a ridiculously large open plan kitchen and living room, and a balcony with possibly the best view over the city youâve ever seen. Her furniture looked and felt expensive, and it made you dizzy trying to figure out how much the artwork that hung on her walls and decorated her shelves mustâve cost. To this day, you havenât been brave enough to ask.
When you step inside her apartment today, she wastes no time before ordering you to sit at the kitchen island. You watch as she grabs a bottle of wine from the fridge, hesitates, then puts it back. Instead, she grabs a bottle of gin and an unopened one of tonic from a cupboard, two glasses and some ice from the freezer. You smile and sit silently as she expertly pours two drinks. âHere,â she says, sliding a glass towards yours. âI thought you might want something stronger.â
âShould I be worried you just have this on hand?â you tease.
She rolls her eyes. âItâs for emergencies like these, obviously.â You clink your glasses and take a wonderful sip. Then, she looks you straight in the eyes and says, âSo, tell me whatâs been on your mind.â
So you do.
You tell her about the wedding invitation and what it entails: travelling back to the town you used to live in, having to face everyone you left behind there. You keep things vague. You donât name names, or dump your entire backstory on her; you simply tell her you didnât have the best relationship with your aunt when you left, and phone calls between the two of you have been few and far between in the time youâve moved away. And that this goes for a few other people from home, namely one other person.
Of course, this isnât enough for Minjeong. She prods, and prods, and prods, until you finally give in. With a sigh and a heavy gulp of your wine, you ask, âWhere do you even want me to start?â
She smiles. âFrom the beginning.â
You stare each other off for a few beats. Even as your instincts tell you to keep your mouth shut, a small voice at the back of your mind says, For once, why not?
âI donât⌠talk about this,â you say, voice shaky.
Worry knots Minjeongâs eyebrows together. âIs it that bad?â
âItâs not that itâs bad,â you reply quickly to reassure her. âI just donât like even thinking about it. So talking about it⌠Well, that forces me to think about it, doesnât it?â
âListen,â Minjeong says, walking over to your side of the island, resting her hand over yours. âIf you really donât want to talk about it, I wonât force you. But from what I can tell, itâd do you some good.â She takes a deep breath, then speaks all in one go. âAlso Iâm dying to know. Iâm not supposed to tell you this but everyone at the office has a theory about where you come from because you never talk about it.â
When you gasp, she shakes her head and squeezes your hand. âI promise everything said here will stay here. Iâd derive much more satisfaction from being the only one knowing about your past than blabbing about it to everyone anyway.â
For some reason, this works on you. Maybe Minjeong feels trustworthy enough. Or maybe you know sheâs right, you know itâll do you good to speak about it, to release some of the burden.
âOkay.â
You really do start from the beginning, and work your way up from there. Why you had to move to Gimcheon without your parents. Why it was difficult living with your aunt, and why you could hardly make friends at first. Why it was your sole goal in life to move back to Seoul at eighteen, and why with every passing year, the thought of leaving became harder and harder. Why you did it anyway.Â
What it cost you.
It feels strange to speak so much at once, and about yourself. Minjeong is plating dinner as youâre wrapping your story up. She has so many questions, it takes you almost an hour to finish your food. But you find yourself readily answering every one of them; youâve gone this far already, so you might as well give her the fullest picture you can.
Oddly enough, itâs perhaps her easiest question that has you hesitating the most. Itâs the end of the night, and youâre surprised your eyes have stayed dry throughout it; but when she asks you this, your nose starts to prickle.
âWhatâs this guyâs name, anyway? Weâve talked so much about him, and youâve only referred to him as your friend.â
You canât help but smile even as the word tugs sharply on your heartstrings.Â
âJaeyun.â
.
.
As the date of the wedding approaches, the tight knot of nerves in your stomach grows bigger. The evening before your flight, it takes you hours to fall asleep, your packed suitcase next to your bed startling you every time you lay eyes on it. You sleep fitfully for three hours, then a never-ending loop of worst-case scenarios plays in your head as you go through the motions of getting yourself ready and to the airport. An older woman sits next to you on the plane; anxiety must be emanating from you like a bad odor for her to rest a kind hand on your shoulder and tell you that domestic flights like these are very safe, that sheâs flown many times and that nothing badâs ever happened. You donât have it in you to tell her, a total albeit nice stranger, that itâs not the journey thatâs worrying you so much, but the destination.
Stepping inside the airport at Daegu feels surreal. The few times youâve traveled between Seoul and Gimcheon, you droveâbut Chaewon forced you to fly down, saying you couldnât just get in your car and leave if you suddenly felt like it. You didnât tell her you could almost just as easily get a same-day flight, if it really came down to it.
You hope it wonât.
The airport is so relatively unbusy, so it doesnât take you too long before you arrive at the parking lot, eyes searching for your aunt and her green little car that sheâs always driven and that has somehow yet to break down.Â
But itâs another familiar face that your eyes land on.Â
The sight feels like a punch to the gut. For a few seconds, you swear you stop breathing, the sound of your heartbeat so loud in your ears that it cuts off all other noise around you, of planes taking off, people reuniting, car doors slamming shut.
You werenât supposed to see him so soon. You were supposed to meet your aunt, go through a slightly awkward car ride, maybe have your first adult conversation with her now that you werenât, or at least less of, an angsty teen. You were then supposed to get ready, both mentally and physically, for seeing all of your friends at once again, for seeing him. Who was standing in front of his car, staring at you with a small smile that kept breaking your heart over and over again, clearly here to pick you up.
He lets you stare back. Lets you stand there, mouth agape in shock, fingers wrapped so tight around the handle of your suitcase that your nails dig into the skin of your palm. You werenât supposed to see him so soon. You didnât get enough time to prepare, to adjust to being here, and now youâre standing there dumbly like youâve just seen a ghost.
In a way, you have.
You regain part of your senses. When you try to say his name, your voice is hoarse, and it comes out as a whisper, barely audible even to you. So you clear your throat, try a second time.
âJaeyun.â
The name feels clumsy on your tongue, like a foreign language you once knew but lost due to lack of practice. And yet, when he smiles and says your name back to you, it sounds so right, like no one else is as deserving of saying it as he is.
âHi, Y/N.â
Your feet move of their own accord as they step towards him; he mirrors you, and in mere seconds youâre face-to-face with him, and when he reaches out you think he might hug you but all he does is take your suitcase from you and roll it to the trunk of his car. A sigh escapes your lips, but youâre unsure whether it's one of disappointment or of relief.
âThere was an emergency at the hospital, so Auntie asked me to pick you up. I hope itâs okay with you,â he explains. You watch, transfixed, as he closes the trunk, then walks over to the passenger side, opening the door and motioning for you to go in.
You nod. âYeah, itâs okay. Thank you.â
Instead of walking right away to his side of the car, he stays there, one hand on top of the door as you take a seat and fasten your seatbelt. âItâs no worries,â he says finally before gently shutting your door.
There are so many things to think about. Usually, youâd get hung up over the fact that even on the day of your coming back home for the first time in years, your aunt still prioritizes her job over you, or over the fact that Jaeyun still calls her Auntie, despite the resolve youâve had since you were fourteen of calling her by her first name, and her first name only.
Now, as the boy â the man â beside you starts the car, hands steady compared to your trembling ones, a peaceful expression on his face, all you can think about is the improbability of it all, of being back here, of being next to Jaeyun of all people and not knowing what to say to him. If someone had told you ten years ago, that one day a reunion with Jaeyun would mean silence and cramp-inducing nerves, you would have either laughed them off, or been scared into never leaving at all.Â
Your mind conjures an infinite list of conversation starters, but none of them seem good enough. Theyâre all too relaxed, too intense, too inappropriate for a situation like this. Like a fish out of water, you keep opening your mouth to say something, only to close it when you decide not to.Â
Jaeyun being this quiet only makes things worse. If thereâs one thing about him, itâs that heâs always talking like he canât get the words out fast enoughâbut maybe itâs been too long for you to speak with any authority about what Sim Jaeyun is like. You know youâve changed a lot in ten yearsâhow can you expect him to be the same boy you left? You canât even tell whether heâs just calmer now or if heâs decided to torture you by silence.Â
As he keeps his eyes on the road ahead of him, you risk furtive glances, trying to assess how much about him mightâve changed. Thereâs still something of the boy who used to split clementines with you in the winter, who would whisper the answers to you when you got called on in class and blanked. Heâs grown into his features, heâs learned how to style his hair, but his kind smile and eyes havenât changed in the slightest. You still find yourself inexplicably drawn to everything about him, even the small cut on his jawline, probably from shavingâyour fingers crave to feel it, this sign of a private life that you havenât been privy to for years. That you havenât been a part of.
Minutes pass by like eternity. Heâs only pulling out of the parking lot and joining the freeway and youâre already wondering how youâll survive the twenty-minute car ride to your auntâs. Thankfully, Jaeyun eventually puts an end to your agony.Â
âThereâs so much I want to tell you that I donât know where to start.â His voice is low, infused with a kind of timidity youâve rarely heard from him. It seems to reflect your feelings exactly, and youâre so relieved you could cry.Â
A small chuckle escapes your throat. âMe too,â you say, glancing at him briefly, avoiding his gaze by the fraction of a second. Itâs hard enough being in an enclosed space with him; eye contact isnât an option right now. Every time his eyes flick over to you, the side of your face heats up so much you think it might melt right off.
âHowâhow are you?â he asks.
Youâre not sure whether he means right now, or in generalâbut you donât really feel like examining your feelings about being back here more than you already have, and especially not in front of Jaeyun, so you go for the second meaning.
âGood,â you say. âEverythingâs going well at work. And Iâve got a few really great friends. What about you?â
A few beats pass without his answerâin the corner of your eye, you see his head swivel back-and-forth between the road and your face. âWhat, thatâs it?â he finally says with a small, disbelieving chuckle. âThe last time I saw you was three years ago. Surely you have more to say than that.â He doesnât sound angry, just genuinely eager to get more information out of you. But his words make you angry at yourself, because they remind you that itâs your fault you know so little about each otherâs lives now. Itâs not for his lack of trying, and you both know thatâsince you left ten years ago, his unwavering kindness and lack of resentment towards you has surprised you every time youâve seen him again.Â
âI donât know, nothingâs really happened. I was promoted pretty recentlyââ
âOkay, thatâs definitely not nothing. Congratulations, Y/N. You deserve it.â
Theyâre words youâve heard a hundred times before, but coming from him, they sound so heartfelt, like he truly is proud and happy for you, that you canât help but soften at them. Smiling, you say, âYouâve never seen me at work. Maybe I slack off all day and hand in everything late.â
âIâve seen you in high school, and thatâs enough to know youâd rather pull out your hair strand by strand than hand in anything a minute late.â
You laugh, and when he turns his head to look at you, this time, you mirror him. He can only keep his eyes off the road for so long, but a second is all you need. Your gazes meet, and heâs wearing one of your favorite smiles of his, the one that makes you feel like heâs really glad to see you again, and a weight is suddenly taken off your shoulders.
Maybe this wonât be so bad after all.
Thankfully, the remainder of the car ride is much less awkward than its first few minutes.You find Jaeyun to be as talkative as ever, not shy in the slightest to tell you about everything going on in his life, from the arguments he gets into with his colleagues â which happen to mostly be members of his family â to the hikes heâs been going on more frequently now that heâs adopted a dog, a Border Collie he says you have to meet.Â
Your nerves are appeased. The last time you saw Jaeyun three years ago, it was for his grandmotherâs funeral. She was the main reason heâd stayed hereâback in high school, heâd had vague plans of moving to Seoul after graduating from university in Daegu. But when she got sick, with his brother abroad and his parents working hard to afford the hospital bills, he decided there should be someone to keep her company and take care of her, and that someone would be him. You could count on one hand the number of times youâd been back, and when she passed was one of them. He tried to keep a brave front, smiling as he greeted and thanked everyone for coming, but you could see right through the facade, although itâd been a long time since you could call yourself a close friend of his.
You only stayed three days. The night before you went back to Seoul, you went over to his apartment to make him dinner. In front of you, he let it all outâheâd always cried easily, but never like this. You spent so much time comforting him and offering him your shoulder that in the end, you could only make him a bowl of pasta with tomato sauce that he barely ate half of. You knew only too well what sort of pain he was going through. While your brain has wiped most of your memories of the events soon following your parentsâ deaths, you remember the hurt that lasted months, years, that still comes back now from time to time, when you least expect it. It was partly thanks to Jaeyunâs friendship that your grief was easier to overcomeâas you got to know him and your new classmates, he took your mind off of things little by little, until one afternoon, you came home from school and realized you hadnât felt suddenly sad or irrationally angry the entire day.
The moment you left him that night, his cheeks tear-stained and his eyebrows furrowed even in sleep, you made a promise to yourself that youâd be there for him at twenty-five as he was for you at fourteen, despite the distance that separated you. You texted him everyday, called three times in a row if he didnât answer, made sure your mutual friends checked up on him often.Â
But Jaeyun was, is strong and he had amazing people surrounding him, people heâs known his entire life and that have his back. He was back on his feet soon, sooner than you expected, for how close he was to his grandmother. Because of, or thanks to that, when you felt like he didnât need you to look after him anymore, you only felt a little guilty for pulling away. More accurately, the guilt ate relentlessly at you, but you had excuses to make yourself feel better. His dad made all his favorite dishes. Jaemin took him out fishing. A neighbor of his had a dog who gave birth, and he adopted one of the pups. With or without you, he was going to be fine.
You didnât mind looking after him. But as soon as you felt like you were relying on him, you panicked. And you were starting to look forward to your weekly calls far too much for your liking. So you reached out less often. It was a busy time at work â when wasnât it, after all? â and you buried yourself in it so that when you told him you were too busy to call or to head back for the weekend, you werenât lying.
Things went back to the way they were for the seven previous years. You were as relieved as you were heartbroken.
You look at him now, listening to his lively rants with a smile on your face, thinking how glad you are it all turned out okay. The sadness of being apart from him, the longing of missing him, youâd do it all again if it meant heâd be laughing like this in the end.
Parked in front of your auntâs house, Jaeyun turns off the ignition and turns to you. âDo you want me to come in with you?â he asks.
How easily you fall back into your old ways. Twenty minutes with him and you feel like a teenager again, annoyed with him for being so nice, so unrelentingly nice, annoyed at your stupid heart for beating up a storm in your chest every time he so much as smiles at you. You want desperately to say yes. To have someone to lean on as you walk into the house that contains so many bad memoriesâfights with your aunt followed by silence, the feeling of loneliness that pervaded your teenage years and that you havenât quite managed to shake off. Itâd be so nice to have Jaeyun there with youâand judging from the concern on his face, he seems to know how you feel.
But you canât let him, because you canât let yourself need him. Not again. Not when you already know how it ends.
You smile and shake your head, ignoring the disappointment that flashes across his features. âItâs okay. I donât wanna take up more of your time.â He looks like heâs going to say something, so you quickly add, already opening the passenger door, âIâll see you later for the reunion, yeah? Thank you for the ride, Yun.â
With a sigh, he lets go of whatever it was he wanted to say. âOf course. Anytime.â
He gets out of the car even though you tell him not to, and helps you with your suitcase, which really isnât that heavy. You can tell that your declining his offer has dampened his enthusiasm somewhat, and yet, he waits until youâre at the front door, one hand on the handle, the other waving him goodbye, to drive away. As though he wanted to keep an eye on you for as long as he couldâand so do you. You watch his car get smaller until it disappears around a corner. Then, inhaling and exhaling deeply, you turn the key you havenât used in years inside the keyhole and push the door open.
The first thing you notice is the unchanging smell of the house. Like the cleaning product your aunt uses, and a slight stale odor of food, because she always forgets to crack open a window or turn on the oven fan when she cooks. Plus a scent specific to the house that reminds you of your aunt, of the clothes she wears, of the blanket she covers herself with while she watches reality TV after particularly long shifts.
Gently closing the door behind you, you stand in the entrance for a while, letting yourself take the time you need to get used to this place again. Youâre glad your aunt isnât home to usher you in and pretend sheâs happier to see you than she is, or that you didnât let Jaeyun accompany you. You donât want anyone, least of all him, to witness you looking around the house like itâs the first time you step foot in it.
Everything is the same as ever. Same furniture, same photos in the frames, same wallpaper, which make the few novelties even more striking. A plant in the corner of the living room, a new, more modern kettle in the kitchen. The black-and-white, low quality scan of your first ever article printed in Limelight is still displayed on the fridge, held up by the Brisbane magnet seventeen-year-old Jaeyun gifted you after he came back from visiting his family there.Â
You make your way upstairs slowly, holding onto the wooden rail for support, more emotional than physical. Your bedroom is a time capsule of your time in Gimcheon, with the same plain purple bedsheets your aunt bought before you arrived, the same posters of the boybands fifteen-year-old you obsessed over on your walls, the same fantasy series you used to devour during summer break on your shelves. You canât help but crack a smile at the sight of it all. In all the times youâve come back to this house, youâve never had it in you to change anything about this room. You want to keep it preciously, as if changing anything about it would change the memories associated with it, both good and bad.
Losing both of your parents at once had made you anything but an insouciant teenager. You were overly serious and reserved, grief forcing you to grow up far before any kid should have to. And yet, standing in this room, you remember the fleeting moments during which your biggest worries were a pimple on your chin or a test in a subject you didnât like.Â
For all your grievances against your aunt, you wouldâve turned into a much different person if she hadnât taken you in back then. Your dadâs family lived in another country, and you knew from conversations with your aunt that she and your mother didnât have the best relationship with their parents. Their brother had three kids of his own, whereas your aunt had none; it only made sense for her to welcome you into her house. When you were mad at her, you told yourself it was only her moral and legal obligation to take care of you as your closest relative, but when you were feeling more generous â which, for fifteen-year-old you, could be rare â you realized that having a comfortable room to yourself and cupboards always stocked with your favorite snacks was something to be grateful for.Â
And there were the friends you made here, whose pictures fill five entire photo albums. They made everything more tolerable, and even fun, when you allowed it to be. Of course, you would have never told them that, back thenâyou liked your cold exterior and the way they saw right through it.Â
Setting down your suitcase by your bed, you decide to go through the photo albums you assiduously filled back in high school instead of putting your things away. Itâs a better way to settle in and get yourself readyâyour nerves dissipate as you flip the pages, bright pictures blink up at you, of your friends at each othersâ houses, at the park on weekends, at the corner store after school. Youâre not in many of the pictures, usually hidden behind the camera, exaggeratedly frowning when Jaeyun managed to pry it from your hands and forced you in the frame.
He never heeded your protests when he wanted to swap places so you could be in the pictures you so often took. You remember the puppy eyes heâd make at you, which had no business being so effective, and the way heâd rest his larger hands on yours on the camera. Too unaccustomed to the feeling of your heartbeat speeding up, you would quickly hand it over to him then, turning away from him so he wouldnât see the obvious effect his touch had on you. It didnât help that heâd always show you the photo afterwards, pointing at you on the small screen, grinning as he said, âSee? You look pretty,â even though fear of being unphotogenic wasnât the reason you didnât like your picture to be taken.
Soon, your anxiety at seeing your friends and ex-classmates, after so long of making yourself unavailable to them, is almost entirely gone, replaced by excitement. There remains a pang of shame, especially at the thought of seeing Chaewon. How long had it been since youâd called her when you received that wedding invitation? Like Jaeyun, you know she wonât even be really mad, and that makes it worseâshe might make a light-hearted quip about it, but itâs as though theyâre scared that lecturing you about being MIA might only push you away further.
You tell yourself thereâs nothing to be scared about. The people youâll see tonight are but older versions of the people smiling at the camera, at you, in your photo albums.Â
You flip to a picture of you and Jaeyun taken without your knowledge, by Yunjin, if you remember correctly. Both of you sport wide smiles, the neon lights of the arcade game you were playing reflecting on your faces. It was his phoneâs home screen for ages.
Youâre so immersed in this trip down memory lane that you lose track of timeâwhen the front door opens and your aunt calls out your name, two hours have passed already. Pushing your awkwardness to the side, you let her hug you and repeat her words back to her when she tells you she missed you. You did miss her, but you only realize it once the familiar scent of her hair. Sheâs a creature of habitâshe still uses the shampoo she used when you first moved here at fourteen.Â
She was only twenty-six back then, younger than you are now. You donât know if you could deal with a temperamental, grieving teenager while youâd just lost your sister yourself.Â
âHow was the trip down? Iâm sorry I couldnât come and get you at the airport. I sent Jake instead, I figured you wouldnât mind if it was him,â she rattles, already filling the kettle for tea. This is so like her, saying a million things at once, always busying herself with something. You know that in an hour, when you leave for Chaewonâs house, sheâll settle herself on the couch and wonât leave it for the remainder of the evening, drained from her shift at the hospital.Â
âIt was fine, I didnât have any problems with my flight,â you reply, taking the knife from her hands and taking over the apple-cutting. âThere was an emergency at work?â
She sighs. âYeah, you know how weâre so understaffed in the summer. Some teenagers were messing around in a house under construction, and fell through a floor that wasnât done. No big injuries, but they needed an extra person to deal with parents and paperwork. At least I got to see these little shits get the talking-to of their life,â she says, making you laugh. She reaches for something in the cupboard, pulls out a packet of your favorite chocolate-flavored snacks from back then. âI got you these, if you want.â
âWow, I havenât eaten these in ages,â you say, chuckling at the familiar cartoon turtle on the bag.
âDo you not like them anymore?â
âNo, no, I do,â you say quickly to make your auntâs worried expression go away. âI just canât eat a bag in one sitting like I used to anymore, and they go stale too soon.â
She chuckles. âThatâs being an adult for you. I got a stomachache from a can of Coke the other day. Just one.â
You have time to spare before you need to start getting ready for Chaewonâs, so you sit at the dinner table together and catch up. The conversation floats somewhat on the surface of things, more about what youâve been doing than how youâve been doing. Youâre overly polite, keeping a distance for her sake more than your own, unsure how happy she really is to have you hereâand you have the feeling she thinks the same of you. The memory of your last fight hangs heavy in the air between you two, unspoken but tangible.
Itâs been easier talking to her since you moved away than it ever was when you lived here. You guess distance really does make the heart grow fonder, more willing to forgive and make amendsâthat, and growing up. Even after your fight, which you quickly understood had only happened because you let your emotions get the best of you after seeing Jaeyun in such a dishevelled state from losing his grandmother, you can have a normal conversation like this. Itâs a far cry from the silence that could stretch on for days when you were in high school.
Like with most dreaded things, you belatedly realize how much time you wasted stressing out about coming home, when there was nothing to worry about. Your mind had made up all sorts of scenarios, like your aunt would start yelling at you the moment you came through the door, rehashing your argument, or would barely give you the time of day during your entire stay. Itâs as though you forgot she was always the one who knocked on your door with a slice of takeaway pizza or a piece of buttered toast when you were being moody and wouldnât come down to eat. Who took you out for ice cream when she felt bad for being so caught up in work youâd hardly seen her all week. Who recorded your Saturday evening dramas on the TV while you were over at a friendâs house.
Youâve still got some talking to do, but it might not be as hard as you thought it would.
Fresh out of the shower, youâre changing into a nicer outfit and putting on light makeup when a text from Jaeyun lights up your phone. Heâs asking if you want a ride from him, which you declineâyour auntâs house is out of his way and itâs only a ten-minute bike ride for you, which you find yourself quite excited to go on, for purely nostalgic reasons.
Ok :) Iâll see you later, he texts back, and your stomach twists with both apprehension and giddiness. Having him there will make things so much easier, and yet the thought of spending prolonged time in his vicinity makes you unreasonably nervous.
Itâs just Jaeyun, you tell yourself, the guy who drooled on his textbook when he fell asleep in class. Who never got mad unless, in true soccer player fashion, felt another player had committed an unforgivable offense against him. Who insisted on watching horror movies then spent them with his face behind his hands.
You catch yourself smiling in the mirror and shake your head.
It really does feel like youâve been transported back to ten years ago as you wish your aunt a good evening and hop onto your bike, still in its same spot, resting against the side of the house, then ride down the streets youâll always know by heart. Gimcheon is at its prettiest during this time of year, the trees plump, their leaves dark green, the flowers bright. The summer evening breeze is warm on your skin, and the sun, low in the sky, casts a beautiful golden light on everything around you.
Itâs not long before you reach Chaewonâs houseâitâs still amazing to you how you can stand in front of it and say, yes, my friend owns this house. It actually belongs to herâand her fiancĂŠ, Jaemin, of course. You donât know of a single person your age in Seoul who owns their apartment, except for Minjeong, but sheâs just exceptionally well-off. Itâs a nice, traditional house, with a wooden porch around the front where you know Chaewon, a Korean Nara Smith if youâve ever met one, will make gochujang and soy sauce from scratch once sheâs less busy with work and wedding preparations.Â
The gate is ajar, so you slide it further and let yourself in, calling out your friendâs name tentatively. Immediately you hear footsteps from inside the house, Chaewon squealing your name before she comes barrelling through the door and running towards you. She practically flings herself at you, and you stumble back a few steps as you catch her, laughing at her enthusiasm.
âUgh, Iâm so happy youâre finally here!â she exclaims, squashing the side of her face onto yours.
âIâm happy to be here, too,â you reply, chuckling. âThank you for the heartfelt welcome.â
Hands on your shoulders, she leans back, assesses you head-to-toe. You follow her gaze, wondering if the mid-thigh sundress you chose was a good decision. Is it too much cleavage? At your all-female workplace, there is no such thing as too much cleavage. âYou look good.â
âOkay, no need to sound so surprised.â
âIâm not!â she says, laughing. âOkay, a little bit, Iâm sorry. I thought youâd look all dishevelled like those busy city girls in the movies. Running around, getting coffee, whatever it is city people do. Thatâs what you look like when you FaceTime me after work.â
You sigh. âThatâs great to hear, Chae, thanks.â
âNo, donât take it the wrong way, itâs hot! But itâs nice to see you like this, with your hair down instead of your buns so tight they snatch your eyebrows.â
You frown. âI like my tight buns.â
âSo do I,â she says, tapping your butt with a cheeky smile. Before you can protest, she takes your hand and leads you into the house. âCome on, weâve made some changes inside, let me show you.â
âAm I the first person here?â you ask. The house is empty save for you and her, and probably Jaemin, somewhere.
She smiles at you mischievously. âOf course. Weâre going to catch up first. And who the hell starts a party at 6 p.m. anyway?â
Chaewonâs presence is everywhere around her house, from the white gauze curtains that flutter in the wind to the trinkets that line the shelves of a cupboard passed down onto her from her grandparents. There are new pieces of furniture here and there, and a nice patterned rug in the living room, but the biggest change has been done to the kitchen. Itâs been fully renovated to be more modern since you were last here, and itâs fully functional now, with everything she needs to make her homemade bread and her thousand side dishes that accompany every one of her meals. Itâs a good thing Jaeminâs a nice personâyou staunchly believe that not many people are deserving of the kind of care Chaewon is able to provide. You remember making that very clear when you came to visit for the holidays, and got a little too drunk with Chaewon for New Yearâs Eveâyou canât recall exactly what you said to him, but he could hardly look you in the eye for the remainder of your stay, so it mustâve left an impression.
Thereâs barely an inch of free space on the counter, and the fridge isnât faring much better. All sorts of salads and dips, meat and vegetable skewers, marinating chicken thighs, and of course, cupcakes. Tons of cupcakes. She doesnât let you lingerâJaemin walks into the kitchen, and youâve barely hugged him hello and exchanged niceties with him that sheâs already dragging you someplace else, telling rather than asking her fiancĂŠ to finish getting the food ready.
She sits you down on a chair outside then heads back in, telling you sheâll be right back. It gives you some time to admire her backyard, the way itâs all been set up for tonight, cute cushions on the patio sofas, fairy lights strung in the trees, ribbons on the fence around her vegetable patch. Even back in high school, she grew green onions and avocados on the window sill of her parentsâ kitchen. Youâre excessively moved knowing that she has a whole garden to tend to now. Itâs so easy to picture her, wearing a sunhat as she waters and adds soil to her plants.Â
When she comes back out, itâs with two glasses of suspiciously pink liquid in her hands. She sees your weary expression and says, âDonât worry, you can barely taste the alcohol in it.â
âThatâs exactly what Iâm worried about,â you reply, but take a sip anyway. God knows youâre going to need some liquid courage to face tonight. Itâs overly sweet, tasting mostly of strawberry syrup, and almost not at all of the vodka and prosecco Chaewon says she put in. Fine with you.
She launches straight away into her usual interrogation. Itâs less daunting, because you can expect itâevery reunion with Chaewon means sheâs going to have a thousand questions for you if you donât turn the subject around on her at some point. She wants to know all of the office gossip as though she has personal stakes in who your coworkers are dating and what the workplace dynamics are like. She asks about your daily life, your friends, whether youâre seeing anyone.
âIâd have told you if I had a boyfriend, Chae,â you say.
She shrugs, a little sheepish. âI donât know. Thereâs lots of things you donât tell me about, you knowâŚâ
There it is, the sharp pang of guilt in your stomach. The summer breeze suddenly feels cold on your bare skin, the stillness of the countryside oppressive. Up until now, it felt like barely a few weeks had passed since youâd last seen Chaewon, but reality catches up to you now, with its distance and silences, the ones you imposed between the two of you. âIâm sorry,â you say quietly.
âNo, Iâm not mad!â she exclaims, panicked. âIâm just saying, I donât know so much about your life anymore, so this could be something I donât know about either⌠Iâm making this worse, arenât I?â she asks when she sees the pained look on your face.
You shake your head. âYouâre right, though. I know I should call more often, I justâŚâ
âWant to put this all behind you, I get it. You always talked about wanting to go back to Seoul in high school, so Iâm happy youâre able to thrive there now,â she says, although thereâs an edge to her voice that you know means sheâs more hurt than she wants to let on.
âBut it isnât fair to you.â
She shrugs again. When she looks at you, thereâs a small smile on her face that looks a little too forced. For as long as youâve known her, Chaewon has been wholly averse to conflictâthis is probably the hardest sheâll scold you for being so absent. But because itâs from her, itâs an effective reminder to be a better friend.
You canât help but put everything and everyone here in the same corner of your mind. You thought that to move on from one person, youâd need to move on from everyone, even Chaewon. You can only hope itâs not too late to start realizing how much of a fool youâve been.
âLook, I didnât get you all the way here to talk about this. I just wanna know how youâve been.â
âIâve been good, Chae, really. And now itâs your turn to present your life to me in excruciating detail.â
She chuckles and says, âFine, but weâll need a refill for this.â
âWhat? Has it been bad?âÂ
In the doorway, she turns around to look at you. âOh, not for me. My lifeâs been so awesome that youâll need to drink your jealousy away, babe.â
And indeed, when she comes back and tells all about her life recently with a dreamy look in her eyes, it isnât that youâre jealous per se, but that you realize this is the life a lot of people wish forâmarried with a nice house before thirty, and children soon, if you know her at all. And you agree these things sound nice, but theyâre not what you want for yourself right now. Sure, there have been hurdles: her parents-in-law are pretty conservative, but Jaemin always stands up for her, and her job as an elementary school teacher can be very tiring, but, she says, âhaving someone like him to come home to makes everything so much easier.â Sheâs always had a sentimental streak to her, but this close to the wedding, you can tell her love for Jaemin has never been so strong. Youâre reassured to see it doesnât stop her from ordering him around as usual, or scolding him when he puts the chocolate sprinkles on top of the blue frosted cupcakes even though she told him at least a million times that the star-shaped sprinkles went on those.Â
âBut the star-shaped ones taste like nothing, honey,â he says. You shake your head even if he canât see you. Chaewon gasps like he just told her to go fuck herselfâand in her eyes, itâs probably as though he has.
As much as she hates arguments, this is something sheâd lay her life down for. She heads into the kitchen to give him a piece of her mind, leaving you to reflect over her words. It makes everything so much easier. You do wonder what that must feel like, to have someone to come home to after a long day instead of a silent glass of wine. At least the wine canât judge you.
The two glasses of Chaewonâs pink mixture must really be getting to your head, because when she sits back down next to you, face flushed from a heated conversation about sprinkles, you find yourself telling her whatâs on your mind. âIâve almost had that a couple times, you know. Someone to come home to,â you say, feeling her gaze on the side of your face as you keep yours on the garden in front of you. âI did tell you about some of the guys I dated.â
âYeah, and you always seemed super unfazed about the break-ups.â
âI was. I always expected it to end one day or another, so I wasnât so surprised when that day came.â Her hand on your forearm is warm, anchoring, silently telling you that itâs okay to go on. âItâs not that I donât want that life. But whenever they started talking about meeting their parents, or moving in together, let alone get married⌠It just freaked me out. The idea of someone being so close to me, eventually knowing so much about me. Howââ You interrupt yourself, taken aback by the tears you feel pooling in your eyes. You turn to look at Chaewon, and something in her expression, in the familiarity of her features, makes you take a deep breath and keep talking. This is Chaewon. She wonât make fun of you for crying. âHow do you do it, Chae? How do you trust someone to still love you when they know about all the worst sides of you?â
âOh, honey,â she whispers, standing up to wrap her arms around you. A few silent tears stream down your cheeks, hopefully not staining her dress, as you hug her back tightly. âWhat about me? Minji, Yunjin? What about Jaeyun?â
Her voice seems to soften on his name, or maybe itâs your heart that softens upon hearing it. A part of you thinks he may be at fault for your unsatisfactory love lifeâknowing heâs out there makes it harder to fall for someone else. But thatâs something you couldnât admit to Chaewonâyou can barely admit it to yourself as it is.
âIâm sorry,â you say, sniffling against her shoulder. âI shouldnât be doing this today, of all days.â
She shushes you. âNo, no, itâs okay. Iâm glad youâre letting it out. Listen.â She crouches in front of you, brushes away strands of your hair that got stuck in your wet eyelashes. âThereâs nothing monstrous about you that would drive anyone away. Youâre more cautious than most of us when it comes to relationships, and thatâs okay. It just means that when you finally do give your heart to someone, theyâll be all the more deserving of it. And I promise you that someone is out there.â She smiles, adding, âMaybe closer than you think.â
âWhatâwhatâs that supposed to mean?â
âCome on,â she says with a laugh, unfolding from her crouch and holding her hand out to you. âYour makeupâs all messed up. Iâll help you fix it before everyone else gets here.â
In her upstairs bathroom, she pushes off all the clothes laying haphazardly on an armchair and instructs you to sit there. With four cocktails between the two of you, everything becomes funnyâyouâre both laughing so hard at the shape of her mascara tube that it takes her five minutes to properly apply the makeup to your lashes. She keeps scolding you for scrunching your eyes in laughter and stopping her from doing her job, as if sheâs not the one who canât see through the tears in her eyes. âNow my mascaraâs running!â she complains when she sees her reflection in the mirror.
Like little girls playing around with their motherâs beauty products, she applies eyeshadows of all colors on your lids, tries out a different lipstick on each half of your lips to see which one fits you best. You look ridiculous, but youâd probably let her keep going for hours if it wasnât for the sudden ring of the doorbell. You both freeze mid-laughing fit as if the whole point of this evening wasnât for people to come over, the blush brush in Chaewonâs hand floating inches from your cheek.
âWho is it?â you whisper, unable to tell who it is from the voices mixing with Jaeminâs downstairs.
âSounds like Jeno and his new girlfriend,â she whispers back. âYou havenât met her. Sheâs way too cool for him.â
âAs are all of Jenoâs girlfriends.â
Chaewon nods. Before she can say anything else, Jaeminâs voice rings out in the house, calling out for her. âBe down in a minute!â she shouts back, then turns to you. Her energy seems to have shifted from when you were laughing around together when she says, âLetâs get this off you. I made you look a little crazy.â
As she douses a cotton pad with makeup remover, you ask her quietly, âAre you okay?â
With the cotton over your eyes, you canât see her expression, but youâve known her long enough to picture it. The tight lips, the slightly furrowed eyebrows. âIâm okay, just a little nervous,â she says. âItâs been a while since weâve had this many people over at once.â
Your surprise only lasts a secondâalthough Chaewon had appeared nothing but excited every time you talked about this weekend, you remember how sheâd grow anxious in the last moments before any party she threw. You take the cotton pad from her hands, holding onto her wrist as you look earnestly into her eyes. âItâs going to be an amazing evening, Chae. Youâre the best hostess in this town. The food looks great, as it always does, and everyoneâs going to be ecstatic to see each other again. And to congratulate you! Youâre getting married in two days!â
A small smile was forming on her lips as you spoke, but itâs the mention of her wedding that really seems to do the trick. âI am,â she says quietly, smiling down at her feet like a giddy schoolgirl.Â
âAnd your fiancĂŠâs waiting downstairs for you. Along with Jeno and his cool girlfriend.â
She sighs deeply. âYouâre right. Iâve been busy all day getting everything ready, and now that thereâs nothing left to do, Iâm panicking.â
âThereâs no reason to,â you tell her, squeezing her wrist warmly. âGo. Iâll take care of my makeup.â
With a quick hug, Chaewon thanks you and heads downstairs. In the mirror, it really does look like a small child had far too much fun on your face. Wiping it all off with her cleansing oil and digging through her pouch for liner and a lip tint, you remember all the evenings spent at your auntâs house, her combing through your closet before a party because your aunt let you buy little tops that her parents would have a seizure seeing her wear. For once, the roles are reversed.Â
Calming her down has had the same effect on your nerves, although the heavy doses of vodka and prosecco in the cocktails mightâve helped. Your heart is only slightly beating faster than usual as the doorbell rings again, the voices of more people filling Chaewonâs and Jaeminâs living room. For some reason, youâre worried that coming downstairs as theyâre all greeting each other will be more awkward than meeting them out in the backyard, so you wait until it sounds like theyâve left the room. But your plan isnât so successfulâyouâre halfway down the stairs when the door opens again, the person entering seemingly familiar enough to this house to come in without announcing their presence. Your body registers the sight of him first, heart dropping to your stomach, electricity reaching all the way to your fingertips before his name has even made its way to your brain.
âJaeyun,â you breathe out, the wind knocked out of you as though you didnât see him mere hours ago and as though you were unaware of his being here tonight. What is wrong with you? Are you sure Chaewon didnât lace your drinks with something else?
His smile has the power to reassure you and double your nerves all at once. He waits for you, watching as you make your way down the remaining stairs. âLong time no see,â he says when you reach him, an infuriatingly charming grin on his lips. You canât bite back the one growing on your own. âI hope you didnât miss me too much.â
âIt was a struggle, but I made it through.â
He chuckles, and a few seconds pass in which you donât quite look at each other; youâre about to offer to join the others in the yard, but he speaks first. âYou look beautiful.â Three simple words, but coming from Jaeyun, and spoken with that low, intimate tone, they pack a punch.
You hope you donât look too obviously flustered as you gaze down at yourself, picking up the hem of your dress and rubbing the fabric between your fingers self-consciously. âThanks, Yun,â you say, voice barely above a whisper. You give yourself a few seconds to assess him, and the conclusion you come to doesnât help your stateâyouâve seen him wear white button-ups dozens of times before, at school events and fancy gatherings, but you swear his arms didnât always fill out the sleeves so perfectly, straining ever so slightly against the fabric. And sure, not having it buttoned to the top is fine, but are three undone buttons really necessary? You stop yourself from making a comment about cleavage and return his compliment instead. Then, with a frown, you tell him the others are already outside and turn on your heels.
Behind you, you hear a chuckle, then the sound of his footsteps following you. You thought itâd be nice to have Jaeyun around, a familiar and reassuring presence to look for if you ever felt awkward or out-of-place tonight, but it turns out it might be more distressing than anything.
Outside, all the newcomers, save for Jenoâs girlfriend, greet you with wide, surprised smiles, like they canât believe you actually made it all the way here. Most of your old classmates have stayed in the areaâone has gone abroad, a few have moved to Daegu, the closest big city, but for the most part, they either still live here or in nearby, somewhat larger towns with more job opportunities. Thatâs why theyâve remained such a tight-knit circle, why everyone knows everyoneâs business, and why you were much more nervous than anyone should be at the idea of going to their high school reunion. Your distance is all the more obvious by their lack thereof.Â
No one is showing you open hostility like in the worst-case scenarios youâd dreamed up, so you must be doing a good job at smiling and catching up with them and being normal with your hands, although you gladly accept the champagne glass Jaeyun hands you, thankful for something to keep them busy. And you find that itâs nice to be here. Itâs nice to know Yurim and Jimin are as inseparable as ever and are planning to do the whole baby-at-the-same-time thing (once they manage to both find a boyfriend). Itâs nice to see Jeno start to look less like a nerd over time, but that he hasnât lost his ability to bag the most beautiful women youâve ever met, like Giselle, who he very proudly introduces you to, and who is indeed way cooler than him. She volunteers at the animal shelter in her free time and DJs for huge techno clubs in the city on the weekend, so to be fair, sheâs cooler than most people.
As more people start trickling in, instead of retreating into yourself, you relax. The weather is perfect, the sun making its slow, lazy descent into the night, a warm summer breeze coming through; people are happy to be here, to see each other, to see you; when Chaewon isnât frantically running around, making sure that everyone is doing okay and that there are enough mini-fours to go around, she actually looks like sheâs enjoying herself.
And thereâs Jaeyun. Itâs not that you mean to notice him, but your gaze keeps drifting to him of its own volition. He moves through the crowd with ease, clearly surrounded by people heâs comfortable with, always being pulled into conversations or making small talk with everyone he bumps into. His eyes seem to find yours often, and every time, he smiles at you like he knows something you donât. Instead of quickly turning away like he used to as a teenager, unashamed at getting caught, his eyes linger on your face before slowly returning to whoeverâs talking to him.
Thereâs a really annoying moment when heâs standing by the barbecue, keeping Jaemin company while he grills sausages and skewers, holding a bottle of beer in one hand, talking and laughing seemingly without a care in the world, as though he doesnât know, or care, how infuriatingly hot he is. Hair pushed back from his forehead, a slight blush on his cheeks from the heat of the grill, that stupid third button still popped open. He looks like he was taken straight from the front cover of a menâs magazine, and it shouldnât be this attractive, but it is, and thereâs nothing you can do about it but down the rest of your champagne glass.
Somethingâs different about him. Despite having seen him over the years, all this time, whenever youâve thought of Jaeyun, the person who came to mind was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. A little shy, especially around girls, but with a smile that could charm a rock and that he hadnât yet discovered the power of. The pant legs of his school uniform were a little too long because he was sure heâd have one last growth spurt in your final year of school after seeing Heeseung go through one. He never did, then couldnât be bothered to exchange them or get them hemmed. They got soaking wet every time it rained. Of course some things have remained unchangedâheâs still as attentive as always, remembering small things about people, asking them about it, and listening with genuine interest when they answer. He doesnât try to make things about him, and he doesnât get annoyed when they ramble on for minutes on end without ever returning a question. Itâs hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that feels so new about him, so unfamiliar in this exciting, intriguing way.
After observing him through careful, discreet glances (which he seems to notice half of), you come to the conclusion that itâs in the way he carries himself. He stands straighter, walks with more confidence, and has figured out what to do with his arms. Heâs always been a human magnet: old ladies made conversation with him in grocery lines, strangers stopped him in the street for directions, he was elected class president every year without ever putting himself forward. You remember the pressure he used to feel because of it, like he couldnât bear to let anyone down although he was sure itâd inevitably happenâbut now, he seems completely at ease with all this attention on him. Not like heâs gloating, but like heâs in his element.
Eager to avoid his gaze and the dreadful feelings it causes in you, you move around the backyard as often as he does under the guise of catching up with as many as you can, always managing to be part of a different group than he is. And you drink. Everyone does, so youâre not embarrassing yourself on your ownâitâs a known fact that Chaewon can and will feed an army, so her guests bring tons of alcohol to make up for all her efforts. Your glass never goes empty for long simply because no one lets itâyou could refuse, but you donât.Â
You spend thirty minutes stuffing yourself with Chaewonâs cucumber salad and getting all the staff drama of your old school from Yunjin, who now works there as an English teacher. When sheâs done telling you about the affair between the vice-principal and your Year 11 Geography teacher, she takes you aback by asking, âSo, whatâs up between you and Jaeyun?â
Back in high school, people often mistook you for a couple or joked around about you liking each other, so you do as you did thenâyou laugh it off, saying thereâs nothing there. That doesnât seem to satisfy Yunjin, however. She tilts her head at you, asking, âAre you sure? He seems so⌠attentive to you. Just now at the buffet he stopped you from getting the potato salad because thereâs mustard in it. And in high school he was always running around doing things for you. All the girls were jealous of you.â
Your smile feels frozen, plastered on as you stare down at your plate. âThatâs just Jaeyun. Heâs nice to everyone, it doesnât mean anything.â
âY/N,â a voice says, but it definitely does not belong to Yunjin. Not only does it come from behind you, itâs also much too deep to be hers. When you lift your head, sheâs looking right over your shoulder, surprise written all over her features. You turn around to find Jaeyun standing there, handing you a hot dog. âDelivery,â he says, tone light, but his closed-off expression betrays him. You donât know how much of your conversation he heard, but he mustâve not liked it. Youâre not sure whyâitâs not like you lied. Jaeyun is nice to everyone.Â
You bite into the bread. It has all of your perfect toppings for a hot dogâketchup, fried onions, shredded cheddar and jalapeĂąos. When Yunjin leans towards you, a hand on your arm as she says, âI donât think it doesnât mean anything,â you wonder if sheâs right.
A few drinks later, youâre stumbling inside the house, headed for the bathroom, when a hand wraps around your wrist. It belongs to none other than Jaeyun, whose expression is a mix of amusement and concern. Now that all the foodâs come out, the kitchen is dark, bathing in the fairy lightsâ glow from outside and from the few other lights in Chaewon and Jaeminâs garden. And itâs empty, save for the two of you. Itâs only the copious amounts of alcohol running in your blood that makes you think how enticing he looks in this semi-darkness, or that makes you imagine the affection you think you see in his eyes.
Of course youâd spend all evening avoiding him only to find yourself face-to-face alone with him suddenly like this. You look down at his fingers on you, and he lets go.
âHere.â With his other hand, he offers you a glass of water.
âIâm good,â you say, trying to sound casual, but you donât like the close attention heâs paying you. Or maybe youâre embarrassingly drunk and heâs sending you a message. In any case, itâs always been hard for you to accept Jaeyunâs small gesturesâyou always have to remind yourself heâs doing it out of the goodness of his heart and not because he especially cares about you.Â
âY/N.â The way he says your name makes lightning zip down your spine. His voice is stern, but thereâs a certain warmth to it. Like youâre being unreasonable, but cutely so.Â
You take the water from his hands and down it in one go. âHappy?â
âVery,â he says, a smirk on his lips that you frown at as he takes the cup back and places it in the sink. He rests his hands behind him on the counter, eyes searching your face, and you, for some reason, stand there and let him instead of going to the bathroom like youâd originally set out to do. Even as silence stretches out between you, your feet are frozen, and youâre finally courageous enough to meet his gaze without backing down. Even as his eyes scan your face, settling on your lips, and your heart threatens to give out. Even as he takes a step towards you and your chest starts visibly heaving up-and-down with every breath you take.
When heâs standing in front of you, he finally speaks, his voice unlike youâve ever heard it beforeâlow, vulnerable, and with a hint of ruggedness that makes your head spin. âHave you been avoiding me?â
âNoââ
âDonât lie to me, Y/N, please.â He sounds like heâs seconds away from pleading with you. Heâs never been one to hide when heâs hurt, so youâve heard him many times like this, but never when you were the cause of his upset. It was always because of a bad grade, a fight with his parents, a joke he took the wrong way. You wouldnât know if you ever hurt him before, because heâs never come to you about it. It feels weird knowing youâre capable of such a thing.
âIâm nâOkay, yes, Iâm avoiding you a little bit,â you say in a small voice. Whether itâs the look on Jaeyunâs face or the last cocktail you had, but you canât bring yourself to pretend.Â
But you belatedly realize that of course, answering this question will only bring about another, much harder to answer: âWhy?â
So you make up another lie thatâs about as believable as the first one. âIâI donât know, Yunnie. Iâm just trying to speak to as many people as I can.â
âBut not me?â
Is he drunk? He always got whinier after drinking. That must be it. Although his voice isnât whiny at allâheâs not complaining, he rather sounds like he has answers he wants from you and is set on getting them. But itâs the only explanation you can come up with.
Youâre unable to keep his gaze anymore. Looking down at the floor, you say, âWe spoke earlier. Weâre speaking now.â
âYeah, and I practically had to corner you for it.â The vulnerability has left his voice and he sounds⌠frustrated?Â
He crosses his arms over his chest, and despite yourself, your eyes follow the movement. Heâs rolled up his sleeves, letting out his forearms on full display for you. Thatâs an image you immediately need out of your head, so you make the mistake of looking up at his face again, only to be met with his jaw locked tight, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, and the intensity of his eyes staring right into yours.
Heâs allowed to be mad, but does he have to look so good doing it?
As if he wasnât close enough already, he takes another step towards you. It forces you to look up at him, and the sight of his face so near yours is devastating. You can already tell itâll haunt you for nights to come.
âDo I make you nervous, Y/N? Is that why you donât want to be around me?â
You inhale sharply, audibly, and the sound seems to amuse Jaeyun. The way he smirks down at you should be condescending, but he manages to make it impossibly attractive. Like he has you exactly where he wants youâwhich doesnât make any sense. You donât understand why heâs doing this, why itâd upset him that youâd rather talk to other people than to him, how heâs figured out the reason youâre avoiding him is the butterflies gnawing at your stomach every time your gazes intertwine. Heâs never done any of this before.
âNo,â you find yourself saying, but itâs an obvious lie to both of you. Youâre breathless uttering that one word, fingers shaking from the tension in your body and Jaeyunâs proximity.
Then he sighs, and the Jaeyun you know is returned to you. A little tired by your antics, maybe, but more worried than anything. âIâll take you home when youâre ready to go.â
âButââ
âNo buts. Just come get me when you want to leave.â And with that, he turns and heads back outside, leaving you to wonder what that was all about as you wobble your way to the bathroom.
When you come back out, you make a point of sitting in the empty lawn chair next to Jaeyun and joining the conversation heâs in. He smiles at you and you glare at him, feeling like a scolded child.
Maybe alcohol makes you a little immature.
Youâre having a grand old time listening to Jenoâs and Giselleâs travel stories, but as people slowly start making their way home, aware of the weekend full of festivities theyâve got ahead of them, dread sinks in. When the partyâs over, youâll be left alone with Jaeyun. Thankfully, thereâs enough alcohol left to throw another party, and you serve yourself a couple of very generous cranberry-vodkas to prepare yourself for later. Maybe if youâre passed out in Jaeyunâs car you wonât have to talk to him.
When the gardenâs really starting to empty out, you find a small moment during which Jaeyun is busy chatting with Jaemin and some other guys, and stealthily approach Chaewon to tell her youâll be on your way now.Â
âArenât you leaving with Jaeââ
You interrupt her with a hand to her mouth. Even though heâs across the yard from you, you donât want to risk it. âIâll see you tomorrow,â you whisper, then tip-toe your way around the backyard to the front of the house, where your bike waits for you. Somewhere deep in the back of your head, part of you has remained sober enough to tell you how bad an idea it is to bike home after drinking so much. You wouldnât run into many cars at this time of night, but itâll be dark, and the ditches are deep here.Â
But you couldnât have predicted for your best friend to betray you. Just as youâre succeeding on your third try to swing your leg over your bike, you hear her voice, clear as day, shouting, âJaeyun! Y/Nâs leaving without you!â
You swear he teleports over to you. You freeze, hoping that moving as little as you can will turn you invisible.
It doesnât work.
âWhat are you doing?â Jaeyun asks as he makes his way over to you. Youâre relieved when he doesnât sound annoyed, just concerned. He stands in front of you, two hands on your bike handle right next to yours. âI told you to come get me when you were ready. You canât go home on your own like this.â
âSure I can.â You try to hoist yourself up onto your seat, and immediately lose balance, stumbling to the side. Thankfully, Jaeyunâs hand finds your waist before you can fallâit steadies your body but not your heart.Â
âCome on, Y/N. Letâs get you to bed.â
Does he hear himself? Heâs just being a good friend, so why does he have to phrase things in such an intimate way, and make your heart go all pitter-patter like the sixteen-year-old you once were? Why does he have to speak to you in that low, affectionate tone of his, like youâre someone he canât help but take care of?Â
You take a deep breath, resigning yourself to your fate. âOkay.â
He helps you off of your bike and into his car. His hold on you is gentle but firm, and you try your very hardest not to think about whether this is how he would hold you in other situations. Before he can even turn on the ignition, you close your eyes and pretend to sleep. You hear him chuckle, then back out of Chaewonâs and Jaeminâs driveway. Once or twice, you hear him inhale as though heâs going to speak, but he seems to decide against it. A ten-minute bike ride makes for a very short car ride, and before you know it, heâs already pulling up in front of your auntâs house. You keep your pretense up as he walks around the car and opens your door, and youâre sure you make a very convincing show of waking up and being sleepy.
As he takes your hand to help you out of the car, you ignore your instincts yelling at you to jump away from him. You tell yourself itâs only so you don't get caught in your lie that you let him slip an arm over his shoulders and guide you to your front door. It has nothing to do with the fact that your skin tingles everywhere it touches his, or that it feels terribly nice to be handled with so much care and patience. The front door is unlocked, and he holds you steady as you slip out of your shoes. Only when he closes the door behind you do you snap out of it.
âThank you, Yun. Iâll be alright from here.â
He narrows his eyes at you. âIâm not sure you will. I donât trust you not to trip up the stairs.â
You panic as he leads you further inside the house. âButâWhat if my aunt sees us?â
He stops in his tracks, then turns his head to look down at you with something you think is mischief in his eyes. âWhy? What about it?â
âShe might misunderstand!â you whisper-yell.
âWhatâs there to misunderstand, Y/N? Iâve taken you home drunk a dozen times before. Besides, Iâm just Jaeyun, right? This doesnât mean anything.â Youâre left speechless. So he did hear you earlier, and although he kept his tone light-hearted, something makes you think he isnât entirely unoffended. You stare at him, sure the guilt on your face is obvious. Eventually, he sighs, starts walking again. âIâm just teasing you.â
Despite yourself, you are glad heâs there to help you up to your bedroomâthe stairs are remarkably wobbly tonight. Even though he tries to sit you down gently onto your bed, you let yourself flop on the mattress, already half-asleep the moment your back hits it. Youâre uncharacteristically pliant as he guides you into a more comfortable position, lifting your head to rest on your pillows, pulling your duvet over you. You somehow feel more drunk now than you were leaving the party, as though Jaeyunâs touch and proximity are stronger than any alcohol. Maybe thatâs why you suddenly find this situation hilarious. Your first chuckle makes Jaeyunâs hand freeze on your blanket; then, when giggles start pouring uncontrollably out of you, he asks you whatâs so funny, and has to shush you, saying youâll wake your aunt up. But you can tell heâs amused, and it only makes you laugh more.Â
âSeriously, whatâs gotten into you?â he asks, sitting next to you. For some reason, the dip of his weight on the mattress feels reassuring.
âThis is just nice,â you mutter, eyes still closed. âIt feels nice.â
Heâs silent for a few seconds. âWhat is?â he whispers.
âThis. You being here.â
He releases a shaky breath. âIt could happen more often, if you let me. It could happen every night.â
You giggle, because you know heâs just joking around. But you let him, even if it hurts a little bit, and you play along. âYeah, thatâd be nice. I think Iâd sleep a lot better.â
With a delicate finger, he brushes strands of hair away from your eyes. You hum, smiling contentedly at his touch. This is such a nice dream that you hope you wonât have to wake up too soon from. âI think I would, too,â he whispers, voice shaky like he isnât at all happy like you are, which confuses you. âI donât know what to do, Y/N. I want so badly to take care of you, but you wonât let me. I donât know how else to show you how good I could be to you.â
âYouâre taking care of me now.â
âYeah, and youâre so drunk you probably wonât remember this tomorrow.â
He sniffles, and you suddenly get the sensation that this isnât a dream at all. You keep your eyes closed anyway, frowning as you turn your head to the side, tears starting to form behind your eyelids.
âBe back in a minute,â he whispers.
You open your eyes to find him gone. You try to make sense of what just happened, but your thoughts are muddled and hazy, and more questions than answers appear. You donât come to any satisfying conclusions, at least none that arenât clearly fueled by your delusions concerning Jaeyun.Â
When he comes back, heâs holding a tall glass of water. He seems briefly surprised to see you awake. He puts the glass gently down onto your bedside table, then kneels by your bed, grabbing your hand that youâd slipped above the comforter. He looks into your eyes with an intensity youâre unfamiliar with coming from him, and that makes your stomach twist. âListen, Y/N. Youâre only here for a few days, so Iâll be very clear about this. And if youâve forgotten by tomorrow, Iâll make sure to remind you.â He pauses here, takes a deep breath. Thereâs a furrow in his eyebrows as he speaks. He looks desperate, but for what, you couldnât tell. âIâm not letting you go this time. I feel like I keep losing you, over and over again, just when I think I finally have you. Iâm not letting that happen again. I donât want to be apart from you anymore.â
Your mind is reeling. You feel dizzy. You close your eyes, but it doesnât help. Jaeyunâs words are loud and nonsensical in your head. âDo you mean⌠as friends?â you ask, because the other option seems so impossible, even in your inebriated state, you can hardly seriously entertain it.
He sighs, and it sounds like disappointment. âIf thatâs what you want, then Iâll give up on trying to be more. But if it isnât what you want, then no.â
Your eyes fly open. Does that meanâŚ
âIâm in love with you, Y/N. Iâve always been, and I canât take hiding it anymore. Iâll take rejection over another day of pretending all I want to be is your friend. I want to talk to you everyday. I want to see you more often. I canât keep going like this, calling you once every few months and acting like Iâm fine with it.â
Youâre stunned into silence. Even your thoughts are frozen, your mind completely blank. How do you react to words youâve wanted to hear your whole life, and have convinced yourself you never would, not in a million years?
âIââ
âYou donât have to say anything now,â he interrupts, and youâre relieved. âWhatever it is, Iâd rather hear it when youâre sober. Iâm sorry for springing this up on you, I just⌠I think I wouldâve flaked out if I hadnât done it right now.â
He gazes down at you with a fondness youâve only seen in your dreams, and strokes your hair. âIâll let you sleep now. Iâll see you tomorrow, okay?â
âOkay,â you say, surprised you're able to speak.Â
âOkay.â
He seems to hesitate for a second, but whatever it is, he decides against it. He gets up, and with one final glance back at you, closes your bedroom door gently. You listen for his footsteps down the stairs, the sound of the front door, and of his car driving away, and find yourself wishing heâd stayed, wishing for proof that you didnât dream up everything he just said.Â
.
.
Iâm in love with you, Y/N.
You wake with a start. Jaeyunâs voice was so loud in your head, you thought he was standing right over youâbut itâs only your imagination playing tricks on you, you realize with some disappointment.Â
Some moments from last night are blurry or simply inexistent in your mind. Yurim sent selfies a bunch of you took to the group chat, of which you have no recollection being a part of. You have no idea how the marker doodles appeared on your arm, nor who is the artist behind them. But Jaeyunâs words you remember with dizzying, intimidating clarity, the words he spoke to you in the near-complete darkness of this room, and that you donât think you could ever forget, no matter your state.
Part of you has always longed to hear those words, but another part has always dreaded they would be heard one day. You donât know which part is stronger right now. Replaying his voice in your mind, your heart flutters at the same time as your stomach sinks. Theyâre words that have the power to change everything, that perhaps already have, and thatâs what terrifies you.
Itâs already ten in the morning. You wish you could stay here all day, safe under the covers, rehashing those words until they lose all meaning, but you know thatâs impossible. Not only do you have a pounding headache and a mouth drier than the desert to tend to, more importantly, you have a responsibility to be there for Chaewon and the things sheâs planned for today. So you force yourself out of bed and begrudgingly make your way downstairs.Â
Your aunt has already left for work. Breakfast is ready on the dining table, along with a tall glass of water, ibuprofen, and a note that reads: I didnât hear you come home last night, so I assume you had a good time. Take this and eat your weight in bread. Thereâs coffee left in the Keurig. Bless her. You know better than to eat too much, thoughâif thereâs one thing Chaewon takes seriously, itâs brunch, so you know youâll have plenty of food to cure your hangover in just a bit.Â
As hard as you try to divert your thoughts towards anything else, itâs impossible not to think of what Jaeyun said last night. Itâs all your mind circles back to, like a vulture thatâs found its prey and wonât let go. Despite that, the shock has yet to wear off, and you stare into your cup of coffee, searching in vain for answers there.
It took you a while to fall for Jaeyun, then it took you even longer to admit those feelings to yourself. At fourteen years old, stepping foot in Gimcheon for the first time, you wanted nothing to do with the people here. Not with your aunt, not with your classmates. You wanted to wallow in your grief, for the bitterness of the injustice thatâd taken your parents away from you to fully take over you.Â
Jaeyun was one of the people who didnât let that happen. Some of the kids in your class found you odd or standoffish, often whispering behind your back about your sudden arrival in town, but he and Chaewon never failed to try and talk to you despite your extremely low-effort replies, to invite you out for snacks or basketball after class, to send you the lessons you missed on days your body felt too heavy to get out of bed.Â
Nothing in particular happened for you to suddenly change your mind about them. Maybe it was because you thought theyâd stop pestering you if you just said yes, or because you sometimes felt the sharp loss of your friends in Seoul, whose calls youâd all ignored since moving. You surprised your new classmates as much as yourself when they asked you if you wanted to go eat tteokbokki with them, and you casually said, âSure, why not,â as if your acceptance was a daily occurrence.Â
The rest was history. Although it took some more time before you really opened up to them, they accepted you the way you were, sharp edges and all. With them, part of the person you were before could resurface, carefree, happy. You still went home to a mostly silent, grief-stricken relative, who was practically a stranger to you, but at least you could look forward to seeing your friendsâand something as simple as that made life easier every day.
As soon as you thought they started to appear, you tried to squash your feelings for Jaeyun, to no avail. Just when you told yourself you could never be more than friends, heâd bring you strawberry milk from the convenience store he walks by on his way to school. After spending an evening making a list of all the reasons itâd be a bad idea for you to date (itâd be awkward with your friends, you and your sadness would be a burden to him, it was too scary to get close to someone when they could leave you at any time), youâd wake up the next morning with a text that said, Good morning!!!! Did you know that if the Sun stopped shining, itâd take 8.5 minutes for us to realize it??!Â
But I know right away when youâre not shining
:)
Momâs making your favorite shrimp jeon tonight so you HAVE to come over
And even your strongest will wasnât enough against the force of his kindness. You were forced to submit to it, and to suffer for it for years to comeâwhen other girls offered him chocolate on Valentineâs Day. When Bae Sumin asked him to the dance, and you had to ignore his concerned expression as he repeatedly asked you if it was really okay that he went, and all you could do was smile and convince him that it was. When you left for university and you had to stop yourself from asking why it seemed to be making him so sad, so uncharacteristically upset with you, almost like he wanted to punish you for leaving him. When every time you came back after that, it became harder and harder to say goodbye to him again.
You got mad at him sometimes. If something unexpected reminded you of your parents, like your momâs favorite dish being served at the cafeteria, or someone using an expression your dad often said, youâd become irritable, and would be unable or unwilling to explain why. He was so patient with you then, even more attentive to your mood than usual, but the feeling of being treated kindly, like he needed to walk on eggshells around you, incomprehensibly made you even more abrasive. Youâd blow up at him: I donât need your help, I donât need your pity, get off my back, what are you even being so nice for anyways?
And his reply would only drive you further insane: Because I care about you.
Youâd always wish heâd say anything else, something less vague like Because itâs the right thing to do, or Because thatâs who I am, or even Because youâre my friend, but no, heâd say, âBecause I care about you,â and it was worse than anything he could ever say.
Because of course, friends care about each other. Of course they help each other out and do kind things for one another. But you so desperately wished Jaeyun could care for you in another way. And that was the problem: you couldnât stop yourself reading into his actions, devoid of the meaning you wanted them to have.
And there was always that lingering thought: Iâm leaving anyway. You were a city girl at heart. You missed the beauty stores that occupied five floors, the animal cafĂŠs you and your friends had spent way too much of your allowance at, the billboards of your favorite celebrities in the subway, the libraries with their wide range of manhwas for you to choose from. As much as youâd come to love your life in Gimcheon, you knew you couldnât stay. You knew you couldnât live on a nearby campus during the week and come back on the weekends like most of your friends would be doing.Â
At eighteen years old, you wanted a clean break. You wanted to attend a prestigious university, to dress up for class, to have study dates at a cozy cafĂŠ, to go out to a club on the weekend and not worry about how youâd get home because the buses stopped running way before midnight. Youâd daydream about the cool job youâd have, the cool clothes youâd wear, the cool people youâd meet. Then youâd go downstairs and see your aunt, and sheâd ask if you were okay with frozen dumplings for a third night in a row. Or youâd arrive at school and see Chaewon and Yunjin shrieking over Got7âs new song. Or youâd get a text from Jaeyun, saying, Cats use physics to land on their feet. Theyâre not aware of it though. And suddenly, the idea of a clean break became much, much harder.
Once you left, your reasons for not confessing to Jaeyun didnât changeâif anything, they strengthened. Growing up didnât make you any less scared of opening up to someone, of letting them see the vulnerable sides of you, and hoping theyâd still love you. Even if you had a positive example in Chaewon and Jaeyun, youâd never experienced it with a romantic partner, and not only did your incessant but unconscious comparing of them to Jaeyun stop you from completely falling in love with the few boyfriends youâve had over the years, your inability to fully bare yourself emotionally to them inevitably caught up to you. Theyâd point it out, trying to coax your story and emotions out of you with kind words, gentle touchesâbut you never wanted it enough to make the extra effort. Theyâd take your independence as a personal affront, like it was a fault on their part that you were allergic to relying on others. Theyâd get frustrated. Some of them would yell at you while you stared off into the distance, numb, wondering if youâd always be like this. Theyâd break up with you, and youâd move on like nothing happened.
The fear of loss still froze your heart into place. Even in the throes of puberty, your mother and father were your two favorite people on Earth. At thirteen, you thought theyâd live forever. You were reasonable enough to know not everyone you loved would dieâalthough the thought of going through that grief again did keep you up at night. A bad break-up was enough to terrify you. And what would you do when you finally handed your heart to someone, only for them to turn around and decide they donât want it after all?
A handful of times, you tried to sit yourself down and imagine, as objectively as you could, what might happen if you confessed your feelings to Jaeyun. You tried, but you never could. It was too scary, with him. As your friend, he was the glue that held you together. If you took that one step closer, youâd be too far goneâand once that happened, who was to say, when it inevitably ended, if youâd ever be able to tape yourself back together.
Youâve had many self-indulgent thoughts over the years, many delusions youâve had to compel yourself away from when he looked at you a little long, grew a little too quiet when you talked about another boy, came up with increasingly ridiculous excuses to walk you home even though it was out of his way. Youâve worked so hard to bury them deep, and here he comes, so late on a Thursday night that it became a Friday morning, telling you it was neither self-indulgence nor delusion.Â
Itâs too much to process with a hangover.Â
Your shower doesnât have the relaxing effect you hoped it would have on your nerves. Even when you turn the temperature as low as you can take it, your skin burns hot at the thought of seeing Jaeyun again, of him repeating himself in broad daylight. By the time youâve dressed and gotten ready, your heart is still racing wild, and youâre no closer to figuring out what the correct attitude around him or right thing to say is.
Youâre tying your shoelaces when the doorbell rings. Of course, itâs Jaeyun standing behind the door, asking you if youâre ready to go to Chaewonâs.Â
You just gape at him. Youâd prepared yourself mentally to see him a little later, with other people aroundâyou hadnât expected this and your brain simply malfunctions as a result.
He chuckles. âI wasnât going to let you walk all the way there. You left your bike, remember?â
From his softened tone and the way he gulps as he awaits your answer, you can tell heâs not just asking whether you remember the drive home. He looks at you, a little expectant, a little scared, and his demeanor relaxes you. Heâs not acting like nothing happened last night, and he doesnât seem overly confident afterâwell, after confessing his love for you. Thatâs what it was, wasnât it? No matter how hard a time you have believing it. It relaxes you because it feels like youâre not worrying alone about this shift in your friendship, about this rearranging of things and feelings. With just one look, he tells you heâs right there with you.
And thatâs all you need.
âRight. Thanks, Yun.â
He stands there for a little, expression morphing into something giddier, more hopeful, and you wonder how long heâd stay there looking at you if you didnât clear your throat and say, âShould we⌠go?â
âYes! Yes, of course, letâs go,â he says, laughing awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head as he turns away and heads towards his car.
Surely, he canât always have been this obvious. Surely, if heâs been in love with you for as long as he says he has, then he learned just as well as you did to school his feelings and make them as discreet as he could. Because if he was acting this way all along, all boyish grins and non-stop glances your way, then you wouldâve had to be the densest person on Earth not to notice.
And it hurts your pride a little to think you mightâve actually been this dense.
After a minute on the road, he asks, âHow are you feeling? Not too hungover?â
âA little. But Iâll feel a lot better after having some of Chaeâs pancakes.â
âYeah. And the pressed orange juice as well. With theââ
ââOranges from her grandparentsâ garden?â you say at the same time, and laugh.
âYeah. Itâs the best,â he says.
âWhat about you?â you ask. âYou didnât drink that much last night, right?â
âYep. Just a beer at the start of the evening, and thatâs it.â Then, he smiles, a little smug, and adds: âWhy? Were you watching?â
You scoff, crossing your arms over your chest as though he was making a ridiculous assumption, when you very well knew you were constantly aware of his whereabouts last night. Of course you noticed him sipping on either water or Pepsi the entire evening. âI was not. But you were able to drive, so I assumed.â
âRight.â That smug smile of his is still fixed on his lips, so you know you sounded just as unconvincing as you felt. âWell, I was watching. And I can tell you you drank something like seven different sorts of alcohol last night.â
For your own sanity, you ignore the first part, and focus on the second. You groan, hiding your face in your hands. âThatâs why my headacheâs so bad.â
Jaeyun reacts immediately. His head turns back-and-forth between you and the road ahead as he says, âIs it? Did you drink enough water? There should be some painkillers in the glove compartment, if youââ
âItâs okay, Yun,â you interrupt, laughing softly. âI took some ibuprofen already. Iâll feel better after eating.â
He seems skeptical. âOkay. But let me know if you need anything, yeah?â
âI will.â
As you feel the tingle of incoming tears in your eyes, you turn your head away from him. Looking out the passenger window, you think how stark the difference is between being on the receiving end of Jaeyunâs attentiveness when you were just friends, and now that you know the way he really sees you. The crushing weight of your repressed emotions is, at last, gone, and youâre only left with a light-heartedness you havenât felt in years.
Is there really a universe where every day is like this? It feels too good to be true.Â
But when Jaeyun reaches out, the palm of his hand facing up as it floats above your thigh, his expression bashful, you think â you dare to hope â you might soon be living in that universe. You take his hand, and the rest of the car ride is silent, like this one simple touch is all the words you need.
Youâre glad you remember what he told you last night. Hearing it again now, in broad daylight, with no alcohol in your system to be blamed for your reactions, would be too much to bear. The mere thought of it has your heart racing, more than it already is from the warmth of Jaeyunâs hand in yours. You look down at it, the way it sits so prettily in your lap, the way his fingers intertwine with yours like itâs what they were meant to do. You crave to touch his hand more, to turn it around and analyze the lines of his palm, to feel the ridges of his knuckles, the smoothness of his nails under your fingers, but you stop yourself. Itâs an art piece in a museum that you content yourself with watching from afar, awed.
Too soon, you arrive at Chaewonâs house. The loss of Jaeyunâs touch is almost alarmingâwhat if he changes his mind and this was the only time youâd get to do this?
But as though he can read your thoughts, he guides you with a hand to your lower back towards Chaewonâs and Jaeminâs front doorâand he pauses before it, gazing down at you with a smile you want to interpret as reassuring.Â
Iâm not letting you go this time. Iâm not letting that happen.
Maybe youâre overly self-conscious, but you swear a few of your old classmates exchange knowing looks when you and Jaeyun arrive together. Chaewon is the least discreet about it, stopping in her tracks when she sees the two of you, a steaming plate of pancakes in her hands, her smile wide as she gets Jaeminâs attention and nods her head in your direction. You want to escape to the kitchen under the pretense of offering your help, but Jaeyun is already pulling out a chair for you and taking a seat in the one next to it.Â
Thankfully, almost everyone is in a state similar to yours, too hungover and tired to really pay either of you too much attention. Their minds are on the food in their plates and the coffee in their mugsâthe atmosphere is relaxed, everyone making quiet conversation with their neighbors. With Chaewon on your right and Jaeyun on your left, youâre free to scarf down hash browns and scrambled eggs without having to entertain anyone. He seems to be pretty engrossed in his chat about soccer with Jeno, and yet, he knows every time you need something, standing up and reaching for the bacon or the orange juice before youâve even said anything. He holds the plate while you serve yourself, then places it back to its original spot, shooting you a smile that never fails to make your stomach twist before returning his attention to Jeno.
Chaewon had kept this afternoonâs activities a secret, only telling you all to have your school uniform ready. Some came to brunch already wearing it, but you and a few other girls go up to Chaewonâs room to change. It feels like being back in a locker room again, a bit awkward, a bit fun, teasing Yunjin for her matching black lace set on this seemingly innocuous day, comparing the stretch marks youâve obtained in the years since you last wore your uniforms.
Itâs definitely odd, seeing yourself in the mirror in that familiar short-sleeved white shirt and knee-length marine skirt. Despite how badly you wanted to grow out of Gimcheon, some things have remained the sameâthat much, youâre forced to admit to yourself when you head back to the living room and see Jaeyun in his old school uniform, a blast from the past. He watches you come down the stairs with a smile, and you wonder if heâs thinking the same things you areâthat youâve never stopped feeling like a teenager around him, and that no matter where you were in life, seeing him was enough to make your dull heart race.
His uniform still fits him okay, although itâs impossible not to notice how his arms and thighs strain against the fabric now, sleeves not quite reaching his wrists. Try hard as you might, your eyes drift to the way his button-up clings to his chest, and itâs clear he isnât oblivious to it. You swallow as you walk towards him, hands coming up to fix his tie like itâs second nature. âSeriously, Yun,â you mutter. âIt was cute when you were seventeen, but at twenty-eight, really?â
He only smirks down at you, making you more flustered than you already wereâand it doesnât help when everyone in the room oohâs at your gesture. You take a step back, but the damage has been done. Itâs like youâre in high school again, rolling your eyes at your friends when they ask if you and Jaeyun are finally dating, pretending like the mere thought doesnât have butterflies erupting in your stomach.Â
âI remember how Y/N used to fix his tie in front of the school gates every morning,â Chaewon says loudly, and you glare at her. âShe said she didnât want him to get scolded by teachers.â Everyone erupts in a chorus of so cute and I canât believe theyâre still not together and Iâm sure they used to have a crush on each other. She looks happy with herself, blissfully unaware of the chaos sheâs created for youâitâs been hard enough acting normally around Jaeyun this morning, you donât need the added spotlight.
He doesnât seem to share that sentiment, though. When he speaks, his voice cuts through the chatter. âMy dad taught me how to tie a tie before middle school. But I was running late once and she fixed it for me. I always messed it up on purpose after that.â He turns to you. Your jaw is slack, your heart a wild, frantic mess. âGuess that trick still works.â
This really is high school all over again. Your classmates act like theyâve witnessed the revelation of the century, cheering and clapping, the boys clasping Jaeyunâs shoulder like he just scored the winning goal. Chaewon squeals. Yunjin pretends to faint. Youâre rooted to your spot, too bewildered to react.
âSo you really did like her back then, didnât you?â Jeno asks, and everyone stops talking, awaiting Jaeyunâs answer with what seems like bated breathâyou included, as though he didnât tell you all about it last night.
He shrugs, but his grin, sheepish and bright at once, says it all. âIâll let you guys come to your own conclusions.â When he turns to look at you, despite the fact that you want to strangle him for putting you on the spot like this, you canât deny that his confession is a little bit â just a little bit â adorable. You think of fifteen-year-old Jaeyun looking at himself in the mirror, proud of himself for putting on his tie wrong, and you canât help but smile. Of course, this only makes your friends crazier, but Jaeyun, as if heâs suddenly decided this was enough attention, says, âIs everyone ready? Letâs head out now.â
Chaewon instructs you all to meet in your high school parking lot. On the drive over, Jaeyun apologizes, asking if what he did was too much.
âItâs okay,â you tell him. âEven if I was a little embarrassed.â
âI wasnât planning on doing anything like it, but seeing you in your uniform brought back memories, I guess,â he says, bashful. âI did say I would remind you of what I told you last night, didnât I?â
You shrug, smile down at your hands. âYou did. But itâs not like Iâd forgotten.â
He doesnât answer right awayâbut then, he suddenly looks over at you, and says, âYouâre really pretty.â
Your stomach flips. You look down at yourself to avoid his gaze as heat creeps up your face. âWhat are you sayingâŚâ you mutter.
âI never told you properly when we were in high school. So Iâm telling you now. I always thought you were the prettiest, Y/N.â
You fight it hard, but you canât bite back your smile. All you can do is hide your grin behind your fist, resting your elbow on the sill of the open window as you turn away from him. For only a brief second, as if spurred on by the confidence his compliment gave you, you change your mindâyou turn to him and abruptly say, âAnd I always thought you were the most handsome.â Then you whip back to the window and grin at the trees lining the road. But you feel his eyes on you, and when you look back at him, heâs staring at you, mouth agape. âYun! Look at the road!â you chide, laughing.
âSorry, sorry!â he exclaims, taking his eyes off you. âButâYouâSeriously?â
You canât believe it, how incredulous he sounds, how he seems as surprised as you felt last night. As you still feel now. âOf course,â you say quietly, feeling shy again.Â
Heâs quiet for a few seconds. Then, âSeriously?!â he repeats, louder, almost yelling.
âRelax,â you say, laughing at his enthusiasm. âItâs not like I was the only one. Half the girls in our class had a crush on you.â
âDid they?â he asks, a shit-eating grin on his lips. You roll your eyes.
âYou only received love letters, like, once a month.â
âBut never from the person I wanted to receive one from.â
You hold his gaze for a second. Then another, and anotherâbut you canât handle more than that. The way he looks at you, you feel too seen. Like he can read your every thought, like he can see your heart beating through your chest, your breath making its shaky way up your throat. It makes you too vulnerable, makes your desire to soak in his affection, to let him keep talking to you like this, too strong. Itâs a feeling too unfamiliar for you to accept yet.
You return to your spot, turned away from him, elbow on the windowsill. âWhatever,â you mumble.
But it seems like you admitting to having found him handsome when you were teenagers is all the confirmation he needs. Throughout the rest of the afternoon, he sticks close to your side. Since school is out for the summer, Chaewon asked Yunjin to convince her higher-ups to let your group have a ten-year high school reunion there. They agreed and got one of the janitors to act as your supervisor, as if you would damage or steal school property. In any case, he follows you around quietly while you and your classmates roam the old, familiar walls, reminiscing about all the stupid things you did, the gossip that felt like the most important thing in your lives at the time, the teachers you hated, the upperclassmen you crushed on. Mostly, you take loads and loads of pictures, reenacting memories, huddling together in front of the classroom door of your final year. Jaeyun always finds himself right behind you in the group pictures, his taller frame so close to yours you can feel his warmth.
He rests his hand on your shoulder for one of the photos, and your brain short-circuits at a touch that you wouldnât have thought about twice as a teenager. Sure, back then, Jaeyunâs touch made you feel giddy, but it was also the most natural thing in the world. Linking arms on the way home from school. Your head on his shoulder during a long bus ride. His fingers in your hair when you let him play around with it. He always said it was practice for his future daughter: âI want her to have the prettiest hairstyles in all of her school,â heâd say, as if she was already here. And youâd think to yourself, Heâll make such a great dad. And although he was someone you could tell anything to, for reasons you didnât like to think too much about at that time, this was something you kept to yourself. Now, you can hardly breathe from a hand on your shoulder. But now, you can also finally admit to yourself why that is.
And with every passing moment, every smile shared, every delicate touch of his hand to your arm, of your fingers brushing against each other, you think that maybe, just maybe, you might finally be able to admit to him why that is.
A while later, when everyone parts ways, heading home to get a few hours of rest before the big day tomorrow, Jaeyun asks you if you can hang back for a bit. Heâs so cute about it, so much like a schoolboy asking his crush out, that you canât turn him down despite the sleep you desperately need.
The soccer field by your school is surprisingly unoccupiedâeven at this time of year, when the school hallways are empty, there are usually teenagers playing here. You yourself used to spend entire afternoons here, chatting with Chaewon while the boys played soccer under the blazing sun. You remember pretending you werenât engrossed in the sweat beading on Jakeâs forehead or the way his cheeks turned crimson with the effort, and cheering for him whenever he scored a goal and turned towards you, yelling out âDid you see that?!â with that puppyish grin on his lips.
You remember the nights you spent here as well, the last summer before you left, when you and your friends wanted to drink without the adults seeing. Youâd lay side-by-side, looking up at the stars as you shared your dreams and fears for the future. If Jaeyunâs hand brushed against yours, youâd wait a few seconds, then move your hand to rest on your chest instead. You always wondered if he noticed it, the small touch, its removal. You know your hand burned with both.Â
He leads you to the soccer field now, his hand warm and gentle in yours, like heâs scared holding on too tight will scare you off. Heâs silent for a while, quietly bringing you down with him until youâre laying on the grass togetherâthis time, you keep his hand preciously in yours, even as your palms turn clammy, even as the memories of being here like this flood in.
The summer breeze has nearly lulled you to sleep when he speaks, his voice soft, careful not to startle you. âI hated the last day of school.â
You turn your head to look at him, but he keeps his eyes trained on the blue sky above. âOf course you did. You were such a nerd, you wouldâve stayed in school forever if you couldâve.â
He smiles, but he shakes his head. âNo, thatâs not it.â His tone is calm, full of significance, which you feel even more when he rests his steady gaze on yours. âIt meant time was running out. It meant Iâd spent five years liking you and still hadnât had the balls to tell you.â
You gulp. Youâre suddenly not in the mood to tease him at all. âOh,â is all you can manage to say.
He laughsâclearly, seeing you flustered is amusing to him. âYeah.â He props himself up on his elbow, gazing down at you in a way that sends your heart into a frenzy. âI got a little carried away last night,â he starts. âWhen Chaewon told me about her plans to dress in our school clothes and come here â yes, she told me before everyone else, donât look at me like that â Iâd planned to tell you today, I had a whole thing written out, but last night, you⌠I donât know, you were drunk so maybe I shouldnât have put so much weight to your words, but it sounded like you might like me back? And I couldnât stop myself. I had to tell you immediately. And today⌠Iâm not mistaken, right? You do like me?â
Tears prickle at your eyes. To think that this has been on his mind for so long, that youâre the reason behind the worried look on his face, that heâs the one asking for your confirmationâyou can hardly make sense of it all. If only youâd looked closer, if youâd been less scared, you mightâve been wearing this exact same outfit, laying in this exact same place, ten years earlier. This isnât to say that you arenât scared anymoreâyouâre terrified out of your wits. But looking into Jaeyunâs face, you donât need to search very long to find reassurance.
âI do, Yun. I really, really do.â
He only stares back at you for a few beats, as if waiting for you to change your mind, to tell him youâre joking. When you donât, his mouth breaks into a wide, radiant smile, and he lets himself fall on his back, hands coming up to hide his face.Â
Suddenly, you realize how real this is. How genuine Jaeyun is. It isnât a cruel prank heâs decided to play on you, but the truth of what he feels for you. For what must be the first time since last night, you let yourself react the way any sane person would upon finding out the person theyâve loved for years loves them back: youâre happy. Unbelievably, indescribably happy. And itâs terrifying when you know this happiness might be ripped from your hands at any momentâbut youâll worry about that later. Right now, all you see is the man laying next to you, his smile full of light, his sweet, glimmering eyes. A small tear escapes your eye at the same time as a chuckle leaves your throat.
He returns to his previous position, grinning down at you while he rests his upper body on his elbow. âOkay, this is totally cool. Iâm not freaking out at all,â he says, making you laugh. His smile widens. He picks a daisy from the ground, reaches for your hand. Tying the stem around your ring finger, he says, âI wanted to tell you this today, in our school uniforms, as a way to get justice for my teenager self. I know itâs silly, but I feel like Iâm only able to do this because he liked you so much.âÂ
But it isnât silly at all. Itâs the nicest, most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you.
He takes a deep breath, looks up from where your hand rests in his, to your eyes. âI love you, Y/N. Iâm sorry it took me so long to tell you. And I canât explain to you how happy I am that I still have a chance after all this time.â
Itâs not a singular tear rolling down your face anymore, itâs the whole waterworks threatening to explode the longer Jaeyun looks at you with those eyes, so tender and full of affection. You roll onto your side, resting your forehead against his shoulder so he canât see your faceâitâs enough that he can hear your sniffling, that he can feel your shoulders shake against him, especially as he wraps an arm around your waist to bring you closer. Your feelings overwhelm youâyou want to cry, to laugh, to hold him as tight as you can, to run away and stop him from witnessing how vulnerable he makes you. With his free hand, he pets your hair, saying he hopes these are happy tears.
âTheyâre very, very happy tears,â you reply between sobs. You probably sound ridiculous, but Jaeyun doesnât seem to mind, holding you through it all.
âGood,â he whispers.
Itâs a shame that it took you this long to realize you forgot something you shouldnât ever haveâthat people are the most important. Not relying on the ones you love doesnât make you strong, it makes you a fool.Â
Jaeyunâs presence is reassuring, familiar, and you picture a life in which you lean on his shoulder and cry when you need to. In which you hold him tight and share every moment with him, not just the happy ones. It sounds so much better than what youâve been doing for the past ten years. He smiles at you, and youâre flooded with the relief and gratitude that this is the life he wants, too.
For a while, he just holds you, the sun shining down on your bodies. This is what you were so fearful ofâJaeyunâs familiar scent enveloping you, his hand rubbing reassuring circles against your back, his hair soft in your hands. Eventually, he says, voice just loud enough for you to hear, âLater, will you talk to me? Will you tell me why you drifted from me?âÂ
Thereâs no anger in his tone, no admonition. Guilt still pangs in your stomach, but thatâs only because you know how badly he deserves an explanation, and because youâre amazed that even now, heâs so patient and understanding with you. âI will,â you reply.
You donât know how long you stay there, laughing at Jaeyunâs anecdotes of all the ways he tried to show you he liked you. All the times he ran home in the rain because you didnât bring an umbrella, all the fish cakes he sacrificed because they were your favorite part of tteokbokki, all the pocket money he spent on your favorite snacks.Â
âI thought about you so often once you left,â he says. âI worried so much. If you were eating well, if you were making new friends at university. Then if your job was treating you well. I wanted to call you all the time, but I didnât want to annoy you. I thought you were moving on, and that maybe I should too. But I never was able to.â
Youâre a little bashful as you tell him that you never did, either. âI compared all the guys I dated to you. And they were never as nice, as thoughtful, asââ
âAs handsome, as smart, as amazing as me, I get it, donât worry,â he teases, and you swat his shoulder lightly.Â
âObviously, but you donât need to be so smug about it.â
âIf youâre going to tell me none of your little boyfriends measured up to me, of course Iâm going to be smug about it, are you kidding me? This is the best news Iâve received in my life.â
You only realize how long youâve been lying there when your phone dings with a text from your aunt, asking whether youâll be home for dinner. Itâs almost seven p.m. alreadyâthe two of you spent three hours, just talking and laughing. He pouts a little when you tell him you should head home, but he obliges anyway.
When he drops you off at your auntâs house, he comes out of the car with you and hugs you tightly before you head inside. âThank you for this afternoon. Iâll see you tomorrow, yeah?â he says, lips moving against your hair.
You nod and, with a quick peck to his cheek, you bolt for your front door before he can react and try to do something crazy, like properly kiss you.
âWait, before you go,â he says as you grab the door handle. Turning around to look at him, breath catches, thinking heâs going to tell you something important, yet another thing that will change your lifeââCan you tell me about those lame dudes you dated again?â
You roll your eyes, biting back a smile. âGoodbye, Jaeyun.â
âYou love me!â
You smile at him, wide and unabashed.Â
Because you do love him. You really, really do.
.
.
You plop yourself on the couch next to your aunt, the latest Drag Race season playing on the TV. She hands you the bag of caramel popcorn and you grab a handful.Â
âI heard a car,â she says. âDid Jaeyun drop you off? Is that why youâre smiling so much?â
You only now notice the ache in your cheeks. âIâm not smiling that much,â you say, forcing your features into humorlessness, but the corners of your lips keep rising of their own volition.
âYouâre smiling a lot. More than you already usually do with him,â she says, giving you a knowing look.
You gape at her. âDonât tell me you knew too?â
âKnew what? That you and Jaeyun have liked each other since you were teenagers? I mightâve had an inkling, yeah.â
Her grin is wicked as you bury your face in your hands, groaning. âSo it really was everyone but him and me.â
âI think you knew,â she says, her tone gentle. âBut you didnât want to admit it to yourself. Especially in the last few months before you left, youâd always get a look about your face when I mentioned him. You never wanted to say you were sad to be leaving, but it was clear you were, if only because of him.â
You frown. âI was sad to leave you, too. And Chaewon, and Yunjin. And Mrs. Kim, because I knew I wouldnât find better tteokbokki anywhere else.â
She shrugs. âSure. But you were sad to leave Jaeyun in particular.â
You fidget with your hands, letting her words sink in. âAnd I have to leave him again in two days,â you whisper.
She wraps an arm around your shoulder, squeezes it slightly. âBut itâll be different this time around, right?â
DIfferent. Youâll call. Youâll make plans for him to come. Youâll let him into your life, into your heart. Youâll let him break down your walls, brick by brick.
âYeah. It will,â you say quietly, willing your worries to dissipate.
You meet her gaze, and she smiles. Jaeyun is only one of the many people youâve kept at bay for too long now.
âCome on,â she says, getting up from the couch. âIâm making meatball pasta, your favorite.â
âItâs your favorite.â
It was one of the few meals she made on rotation whenever she had time to cookâit is your favorite, only because eating it meant you were spending the evening together. You cut vegetables while she seasons the meat, telling each other about your day. Maybe itâs because youâre in such a wonderful mood from your afternoon with Jaeyun, but the atmosphere between the two of you feels particularly light-hearted today, which is why youâre so surprised when she suddenly tells you you should talk about âwhat happened last time.â Your stomach clenches, but you nodâyou knew it was going to happen sooner or later, so you might as well get over it quickly, and she seems to be of the same opinion.
âI know weâre both bad at this, so Iâll keep it short,â she starts, keeping her eyes on the preparation. You really are cut from the same clothâyou continue chopping carrots, glad to have something to do with your hands. âIâm sorry about those things I said. It was an emotional time for both of us, what with Jaeyunâs grandmother and all, but I shouldnât have let my emotions get the best of me. Itâs my fault we never talked about your parents. About your mom. I know you wouldâve liked to, but I never could. And you do remind me of her. Gosh, you look so much like her at your age. But you canât do anything about that, and what I said about looking at you and seeing her, that wasnât fair. It sounded like I blamed you, which is the last thing I wanted to do.
âShe always took care of me, because she was older than me by so many years, you know. She called herself my second mom. And all of a sudden, it felt like I had to take care of her. Itâs ironic, since my literal job is to take care of people, but I didnât know how to, with you.â
âI didnât make it easy. I barely talked to you,â you say quietly. Itâs true that you canât expect the same maturity from a teenager and a young adult, but thinking back on it, you canât help but think you couldâve been softer on your aunt. More understanding. You wanted her to replace your parents while resenting her for it. You made no effort at communication yet pushed her away every time she made an attempt to talk to you.
âYou were so young, and dealing with all that loss. I shouldâve tried harder, but you seemed so independent, spending all that time with your friends, making yourself dinner when I wasnât home. It felt like you didnât need me, and I have to admit, I was relieved. I was hanging on by a thread. I didnât know how I could take care of a whole other human being.â
Your breathing is shallow. You spent so many years struggling, each of you in your little corner, at armâs length from each other but too scared to reach out a hand.
âIt felt like you didnât want me around,â you whisper, head hanging low.Â
âOh, honey.â She drops her spoon and in a second has you wrapped in her arms, the tightest hug sheâs ever given you, tighter than when you first arrived at her house, tighter than when you first left. âIâm so, so sorry. I was so glad to have you here. Sure, it was a reminder that Iâd lost my sister, but you were a reason to keep going. I had to go to work so you could eat. I had to stay healthy enough to work. You were the only person on this planet that needed me. Iâm sorry I didnât do a better job of it, and that I didnât show you how much I needed you. How much I love you. But I promise that I never, ever wished you werenât with me.â
Itâs impossible to keep the tears at bay at this point. Tears start pouring down your face, and at the sight, her own tears quickly follow suitâyou sob in each other's arms, apologizing over and over again, and by the time youâre done, the meatballs are overcooked and yet the best youâve ever had.
Between Jaeyun this afternoon, and your aunt this evening, today has been a whirlwind of emotionsâwith Chaewonâs wedding tomorrow, youâll probably be drained on your flight back to the city. You have half a mind to take Monday off, just so you can rest from your holiday.Â
For now, youâll rest from today. Youâre exhausted, but it takes a while for sleep to claim youâyour mind is reeling, replaying Jaeyunâs words, the unspoken promises they contain. Your heart is still swelling with hope when you finally fall asleep.
.
.
It takes a few seconds for yesterdayâs events to come back to you after you wake up. It feels like reliving them all over againâJaeyunâs face next to yours on the soccer field, his hand in yours on the drive home, the conversation with your aunt that feels like one of many steps towards the right direction. And to think you dreaded this weekend for months before coming here.
When Jaeyun pulls up in front of your auntâs house, sheâs quicker than either of you, opening the door before heâs even reached it and inviting him in for coffee. You make a quick mental note of his outfit, a matching dark green suit and vest with a white button-up that fit him a little too well, the veins that run along his forearms down to his hands prominent and a debilitating sight if youâve ever seen one. Out of concern for your well-being you put that image immediately out of your headâyou really donât need to know how attractive Jaeyunâs hands are.
While youâre trying to gather yourself, with a wide smile, your aunt stares at him sipping his drink, eyes darting around the room awkwardly. Heâs always been a little nervous around her, which confused you back then, but endears you nowâbefore every party he picked you up for, heâd be overly polite, assuring her heâd get you home early and safe, standing with his back straight in your hallway as he waited for you like someone trying to impress their girlfriendâs father. Sheâd wave him off, telling you you could come home shit-faced at three a.m. as long as you were with âthis guy.â
Itâs so obvious that sheâs over-the-moon about him being her nephew-in-law. When he clears his throat, saying, âIâll take good care of Y/N, I hope you can trust me,â like this is the seventies and he needs to ask her for your hand, she laughs in his face.
âOh, Iâm not worried about you. Itâs her Iâm worried about.â
âAuntie?â
She ignores you, slides her elbows on the table towards Jaeyun in a conspiratorial manner. âListen. She can be very grumpy in the morningââ
âAuntie?!â
âAnd she overthinks everything, even if sheâll never let you know about it. She gets all these crazy ideas about people in her head, so just make sure to talk to her a lot so you know whatâs going on up there. Even if you have to force her.â
Youâre glaring at her by the time sheâs done, but Jaeyunâs delighted. âThank you for the advice. Iâll make sure to remember it.â
âGood. Now, off you two go. Iâll meet you tonight for the party,â she says with one last wink at you, unfazed by your I-will-murder-you expression as she gets up to put the empty mugs in the sink.
In the car, Jaeyun breaks the silence first. âSo, grumpy in the morning, huh?â
âOh my God,â you mutter, bringing a hand to your temple like your head aches. âI liked it better when you were terrified of her.â
Jaeyun laughs, reaching for your hand and resting it on your lap. âItâs okay. Iâll cheer you up every morning like my life depends on it.â You purse your lips to stop them from curving into a smile. It doesnât work. âPlus, I canât imagine youâd be grumpy waking up to this,â he says, pointing to his face.
You roll your eyes. âDonât be so sure of yourself,â you say as though you donât agree with himâseeing him first thing in the morning would surely do wonders for your mood, not just when you wake up, but for the entire day.
You know heâs only teasing you, but you have an unexpected problem to deal with now: thoughts of waking up to Sim Jaeyun, thoughts of being in a bed with Sim Jaeyun, thoughts of what usually happens when two people who love each other share a bed. You gulp. When you look over at him, thereâs only a serene smile on his lips. One day in, and youâre already getting carried away. Heâs probably not even thinking about such things, and you feel guilty about the dull ache in your stomach created by the pictures that your brain is conjuring.
When you arrive at the town hall, youâre greeted by your old friends, standing on the steps in their best clothes. The weather is perfect, the sun shining down warmly but a small breeze stops you from sweating your clothes off. Chaewon and Jaemin decided against staying cooped up in a small room before the ceremonyâthey thought itâd be much nicer to be there to greet their guests, and that getting to be around each other would prevent any last-minute nerves.
A little before eleven, Chaewonâs sister and Jaeminâs siblings, as the bridesmaids and groomsmen, start ushering everyone in. Once youâre seated inside and waiting for the ceremony to start, Jaeyun leans down towards you, and, quietly enough so only you hear him, whispers, âShould we hijack their wedding? They havenât been waiting as long as I have.â
You gasp at his words, lightly swatting his chest while he only grins at you, clearly satisfied with your reaction.
âIâm just kidding,â he says. âThis isnât how Iâm planning on proposing.â
âPlanning onâSim Jaeyun, be serious for a second.â
âWhat?â he asks, feigning an innocent tone even as mischief stays written on his features. âIâm very serious about propoââ
Who knows how his sentence ends, because his words are muffled by the hand you put over his mouth.
The ceremony is beautiful, presided over by Chaewonâs dad, who says that in all his years as mayor of Gimcheon, there isnât a marriage heâs been happier to officiate than todayâs. As Chaewon recites her vows, all you can see is your best friend at fifteen, crying because her favorite idol was embroiled in a dating scandal; at seventeen, making vision boards out of her momâs old wedding magazines; at twenty-two, giggling on the phone because, âDid you know Na Jaemin has had a serious glow-up since high school?â
At twenty-five, telling you she hopes youâll find the person who makes you as happy as Jaemin makes her.Â
Jaeyunâs hand stays in yours the entire time. You feel him glancing over you a few times, but youâre too scared that if you meet his eyes, youâll break down crying, and youâve done enough of that to last you a few weeks.
There are many pictures to be taken outside of the town hall, plus the bouquet toss â when Giselle catches it, Jenoâs face turns crimson â so itâs a while before you can all start heading to the cottage that Chaewonâs and Jaeminâs family have rented out for the occasion, for extended family and friends who couldnât be lodged at someoneâs house to stay in. For lunch, the caterer has prepared a large cold buffet with everything from thin slices of meat to charcuterie boards and three types of potato salad.
Itâs a really idyllic place theyâve chosen, especially in the middle of Julyâthe flowers are in full bloom, climbing cream and pink roses spilling over metal trellises, the scent of lavender bushes wafting delicately through the air. Chairs and tables covered in white drapes are neatly set around the garden and huge ribbons made of alabaster-colored gaze decorate a large oak tree.Â
You know from a phone call with Chaewon that as hands-on as she was with the wedding preparations, there was one thing that hadnât been up to her to organizeâthe afternoon activity, between lunch with family and close friends and dinner with a larger number of guests. Jaeminâs sisters had told her theyâd take care of it. âBut theyâre the kind of people who give people missions to do at parties,â she complained. âI once had to win at rock-paper-scissors with three total strangers.â
âBut no oneâs forcing you to participate,â you said.
âIt was a question of pride,â she replied, firm. âI had to make a good impression.â
You can see the relief flood over Chaewonâs features when they announce that theyâve planned a scavenger hunt for this afternoon, and that those who donât wish to partake can hang back and have a rest. The groups are assigned randomly, so youâre separated from Jaeyun, but your teammates are friendlyâJaeminâs great-aunt and Chaewon seven-year-old little cousin make for a surprisingly comedic duo, and you and Giselle, who you can confirm once and for all is much cooler than her boyfriend Jeno, spend the whole time cracking up at their antics.
Jaeminâs sisters have created a list of clues to guide you to different places around the venue, where you need to complete little tasksâeach team starts out with a different clue, and is guided around by the new clues they find at each spot. In the guest book by the entrance, you each describe a memory you share with the bride or groom; by the lily pond, the four of you take a polaroid picture as a keepsake for the newlyweds; behind the bar, thereâs a corkboard on which you can tack heart-shaped pieces of paper and write down your predictions for their marriage. You write down that theyâll have 3 under 3, and Chaewonâs cousin writes that theyâll get to drink milkshakes for breakfastâwhen you ask him what thatâs about, he says that his mom said only adults are allowed milkshakes for breakfast, âand adults are usually married, so maybe thatâs what theyâll do.â
You arrive in fifth place, so you only win a piece of candy eachâbut when you find Jaeyun again, he tells you gloatingly that heâll share his third-place box of chocolates with you. Slowly after that, more guests start arriving, including your aunt. The main room opens up, and you see just how much effort Chaewon has put into all of thisâitâs straight from her Pinterest board, with white roses in the center of every table, tulle curtains draped over the windows, and fairy lights adorning the walls. Candied almonds in small white bags, with a tag that reads C+J, rest on every plate as gifts for the guests. The cottage was the perfect choice for the reception, with its wooden panels that contrast against the cream-colored decorations. Theyâve hired Beomgyu, an old high school friend of yours, as their DJ, and for now, as heâs setting up his station, a relaxed R&B playlist drifts quietly through the speakers.
Youâre seated between Yunjin and Jaeyun. You mingle at first, champagne glass in hand as you catch up with Chaewonâs mom, at whose house you spent so many of your teenage hours. She has stars in her eyes, telling you how happy she is for your daughter, and when she asks whether thereâs a lucky man in your life, you canât help but glance at Jaeyun, whoâs talking with Mrs. Lee, one of his old elementary school teachers, Chaewonâs colleague now. She follows your gaze and exclaims in delight. âChaewon always said you two would end up together! Well, better late than never,â she says with a wink. Someone calls her name then, and youâre left to process her words.
Considering Yunjin and your aunt had you figured it out, it isnât so surprising that Chaewon wouldâve long been aware of your and Jaeyunâs feelings for each otherâwhatâs taking you aback is the fact she never said anything. She teased you just as much as your classmates did, and she did ask you a couple of times if you really didnât feel anything for him (which you always adamantly declined, and you understand now that that mustâve only made her only more suspicious of you), but she never pushed any further. Her words from a few days earlier suddenly come back to youââI promise you someone is out there. Maybe closer than you think.â
You make a mental note to find a minute alone with her tonight, and congratulate her for being much smarter and perceptive than you ever were.
The appetizers start rolling outâJaeyun is still so engrossed in his conversation with Mrs. Lee that you go ahead and make him a plate with a little bit of everything. When you hand it to him, he looks at you like youâve just handed him a million bucks. After you go back to your seat, you often feel him or Mrs. Lee glancing your way, and you have an inkling of what they might be talking about.
Before the main course, the parents give their speeches togetherâJaeminâs share embarrassing anecdotes of their son and thank Chaewon for taking him off their hands; Chaewonâs mom is so emotional throughout her speech that her husband has to take over her parts.Â
The atmosphere at your table during dinner is great, and itâs very entertaining to see the champagne start to get to everyoneâs headsâyouâve only had a couple glasses, and Jaeyun is driving later, so youâre both sober watching your friends exaggerate everything they say and laugh over nothing much. When youâre done eating, his hand often finds yours underneath the table, and it never fails to make your insides feel pleasantly warm.Â
After dinner, the music suddenly shuts off for a few seconds, before Canât Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley, the song for Chaewonâs parentsâ first dance at their own wedding, which she wanted to turn into a tradition. Everyone watches the couple gently swaying around the dance floor. They look at each other as though they are the only people in this entire room; on this entire planet. After a minute, other couples start joining them; when Jaeyun stands up and offers you his hand, you donât even hesitate for a second.
You feel a little shy, standing before him and looking into his eyes, so you rest your head on his chest instead, letting him hold you close to him and guide you around the dance floor, one arm around your waist, holding your hand in his free one.
âThank you for waiting for me,â you say, lifting your face a little so he can hear you.
He bends down towards you, his lips grazing your forehead as he speaks. âThank you, too, angel.â The nickname is unexpected, and makes your heart skip a beat. When he presses his lips to the top of your head, you think that if this wasnât your best friendâs wedding, you might be debating the ethics of leaving before dessertâs been served. âI promise Iâll make you happy,â he whispers.
âYou already are.â You wish you could live in the way he gazes down at you, eyes warm and full of adoration. âYou make me feel like a teenager. Like Iâm still the sixteen-year-old who got giddy at the thought of seeing you at school every morning.â
âIs that right?â he asks, smile turning a little smug. You like nervous, bashful Jaeyun betterâthis Jaeyun, the intensity of his gaze as it trails down your face until it reaches your lips, the feeling of his thumb roving across your waist, makes you want to curl up and hide your face in the crook of his neck. He makes your knees weak and your breath shaky.
You stop yourself from looking away, eyes set on his as you nod your head.
âThatâs funny, because Iâm very aware that weâre not teenagers anymore,â he says.
You donât ask what he means by that, and he doesnât offer an explanation, so youâre left to ponder his words on your ownâalthough the tone with which he spoke, teasing and enticing, canât leave you with much room for interpretation.
But just as your eyes drift down to his lips, and you swear he leans a fraction of the way in, the song is over. You step back from him a second after every couple has separated, turning towards the newlyweds and clapping for them.Â
Itâs back to 2010s pop after that, and he doesnât let you go back to your seatâthe rest of your friends quickly join you anyway, and even you canât say no to jumping around and screaming the lyrics when itâs Lady Gaga and Black Eyed Peas playing. Jaeyun makes you spin around, his hands firm on your hips during more sensual songs, his worst (or best, if you ask him) moves on display whenever a song calls for it, and you canât stop laughing.Â
You need a large drink of water eventually, and take the opportunity to look for Chaewon. You find her at the dessert buffet, stacking mini brownies on her plate. She looks startled when you call her name. âThese arenât all for me,â she says quickly.
âIâm not judging,â you say, smiling.
âOkay, good, âcause theyâre definitely all for me. I barely ate all night âcause I was so nervous and Iâm famished now.â
You laugh and get a plate, filling it with more food for her before leading her to your presently unoccupied table. âThank you,â she says with an exaggerated sigh as she plops down on Yunjinâs chair. âI love my family, but theyâve been taking up all of my attention. I just wanna come dance with you guys.â
âWeâll join them in a bit. Can I just tell you something first?â
She tilts her head at you, her smile like she already knows what youâre about to say. âOf course. And,â she says, taking your hands in hers, âIâve got something to ask you, too. But you go first.â
You surprise yourself with how easily the words come to youâno hesitation over how to phrase it, no nervousness. They feel so natural, rolling off your tongue. âMe and Jaeyun are together.â
She squeals, immediately throwing her arms around you. âI knew it! Finally! It took you guys so long, I was so close to intervening and playing Cupid myself. Oh, Y/N!â she exclaims, bringing you into another hug, not letting you place a word. âLove is in the air. You know, I think knowing Jae and I were getting married mightâve been the trigger for Jaeyun. When he told me he wanted to confess to you over this weekend, I was ecstatic. You can basically thank me for having a boyfriend.â
You laugh. âThank you, Chaewon. Youâve known all along, havenât you?âÂ
She nods proudly. âIt was always so obvious. Jaeyun told me a few months after high school ended, but youââ She points an accusing finger at you. âYou never did! But you tried too hard to pretend like you were indifferent when I mentioned him on the phone.â
You look down at the floor, feeling a little guilty, a little shy. âI could barely admit it to myself, let alone to anyone else. And I was so, so scared, Chae. Even nowâŚâ You look longingly over at the dance floor, where Jaeyun is clearly having the time of his life, throwing his limbs around with Heeseung and Jenoâwhen he meets your eyes, he waves happily, then returns to what seems to be an attempt at the robot. You sigh. âItâs not like I change my ways overnight, can I? Being so far from him, I donât knowâŚâ
âDonât think about that right now,â Chaewon says, commanding your attention back to her. âJust enjoy it. Itâs what both of you deserve. When you run into a problem, youâll figure it out together. Heâs waited this long, I promise you itâs not a little distance thatâll drive him away now.â
You nod. âOkay. Youâre right.â
âOf course I am. Now, I have some news to share too. And itâs our secret, okay?â
Excited, you shift forward on your chair, inching closer to her. âOkay.â
She gazes downward with a smile, lets go of one of your hands to rest on her stomach. Your mouth falls open, and when she looks back up at you, her eyes shiny, you immediately feel yours start to burn. âIf you say yes, Y/N, youâll be a godmother soon.â
âOh my God, Chae,â you whisper, tears already pooling in your eyes.
She giggles. âJaeyunâs already agreed to be the godfather, so it only makes more sense now, doesnât it? And yes, before you ask, Iâm absolutely using my unborn child as emotional blackmail to get you to call and visit more often. And Iâll be coming to see you in the city and make you take me around cute baby shops and buy me all the food I want.
âOh my God, Chae. Youâre having a whole baby,â you whisper, incredulous. Your heads lean in towards each other, almost bumping as you laugh.
âI know, right? We wanted to wait until our honeymoon was over to start trying, but⌠Well, Iâll spare you the details, but weâve never gone at it so much since getting engagedââ
âAlright.â
âSo, what do you say?â she asks, a hopeful expression on her face.
You squeeze her hands. âHow could I say anything but yes? Of course Iâll be your kidâs godmother. Iâm so honored that youâre asking me, when I havenât been an ideal friend.â
She shakes her head. âDonât. We understand you, Y/N, more than I think you give us credit for. And I trust you to make up for it now, okay?â
You nod, tears freely streaming down your cheeks now. âI will. I absolutely will. I love you so much, Chae. Iâm so happy for you.â
Her laugh is the prettiest sound to your ears. âI love you too, Y/N.â
She leans back, takes a deep breath as she wipes her tears. âIs my makeup okay?â When you nod, she gets up and says, âOkay. To the dance floor!â
Now that theyâve gone through every step and are reassured that their wedding couldnât have gone more smoothly, Jaemin and Chaewon let it all out on the dance floor. What starts out as a pretty big crowd, a large portion of the guests up and dancing, fizzles out as the hour grows late. The more elderly relatives have long retired, and it isnât long before the older adults leave, too, finding their children asleep on random chairs and dragging them out of the venue. Soon, the population on the dance floor is more or less constituted of your high school friends and Chaewonâs and Jaeminâs cousins of your age. When Beomgyu starts to play slower songs around the three a.m. mark, you canât believe itâs this late already. You were having so much fun you had no idea so much time had passed.
The catering crew has cleared the tables and packed away all their silver- and dinnerware, and your friends, in their drunken state, offer to wipe the floors and take the decorations down, but Chaewon and Jaemin shoo them off, assuring them that theyâll be taking care of it with their families in the morning.
You have to admit, now that the energyâs gone down, you start to feel yourself ready for bed, your feet aching from overuse, even though you took your high heels off hours ago to dance with more ease. It doesnât help that Jaeyun stays right behind you as everyone starts heading off, his hand low and casual on your hip as you wave them all goodbye and promise to stay in touch. He only hangs back when you have to say goodbye to Chaewonâyour flight is around noon tomorrow, so you wonât have time to see her again.
Hugging her tight, you tell her again how beautiful she looked tonight and how happy you are for her. You wish her and Jaemin a happy honeymoon, and she winks back, telling you to have fun, too. âBut safe fun!â she yells as you and Jaeyun start making your way to his car. âI love you but youâre not stealing my babyâs spotlight!â
Jaeyun is still laughing as he gets in the driverâs seat, while youâre flooded with embarrassment. âSo she told you, then?â he asks.
âYeah.â
âWeâre gonna be godparents,â he says, grinning. âSome might say weâre moving a little fast, but I think itâs right.â
Youâre smiling impossibly wide. âYouâre stupid.â
âAnd youâre pretty,â he replies, brushing his knuckle along your jaw. Itâs an innocent touch, but just like that, the dull ache in your stomach reappearsâmaybe itâs his proximity all night, all tension and no release, or the fact that itâs the two of you in pure darkness on this late night road, or Chaewonâs comment ringing in your head, but you suddenly find yourself craving for a lot more than an innocent touch. As though he can read your mind, Jaeyun clears his throat. âDo you, um, do you want to go back to mine?â he asks, eyes going back-and-forth between you and the road as though not wanting to miss your reaction.
âYeah,â you whisper. The air conditioning is on full blast, yet your skin is on fire. âYeah. Iâd like that.â
âOkay.â
Youâre silent for the rest of the car ride, mind racing with possibility. Jaeyunâs hand trembles ever so slightly in yours, like he can barely restrain himself, and you agree that the twenty minutes to his apartment are the longest youâve ever had to endure. You play with his fingers, hoping the gesture will be calming to both of you, but the feeling of his skin against yours only makes your heart race faster.
His apartment is on the first floor of a small building in the center of Gimcheon. He leads you up the stairs, fingers intertwined with yours, only letting go to open his door. âLayla will be excited to meet you,â he says as he turns the keyâindeed, youâre greeted warmly by the cream-colored Border Collie. She seems much happier to meet someone new than to see her boring old owner, who notices this with a frown, huffing something about âbetrayalâ and âyour own kidsâŚâ as Layla licks your hands and presents her belly for pets.
âI should probably walk her quickly, she hasnât been out since this morning,â Jaeyun says, an endeared smile on his face as he watches the two of you get acquainted.
âShould I come with?â
Crouching beside you, he shakes his head. âI know youâre tired, angel. Iâll just be ten minutes, you can wash up in the meantime.â
You follow him into the bathroom, where he hands you a towel and tells you to help yourself to anything you need. âWait here a minute,â he says, then disappears into his bedroom, coming back with clean clothes for you to wear. Heâs sheepish as he rests them on the sink counter, a small smile playing on his lips. âHere. They might be a bit big, but more comfortable than your dress.â
âThanks, Yun.â
âNo worries.â He hesitates for a second, then presses a quick kiss to your temple. âIâll be quick.â
Even after he leaves, the smile on your lips is wide and unwavering, your heartbeat fast, your fingers twitchy and impatient. You find lotion to wipe your makeup off with, and have far too much fun analyzing all of his shower products as the hot water runs over your body. You can hardly keep your giddiness in check at the thought of washing yourself with Jaeyunâs soap, drying yourself with his towel, then wearing his clothes and finding yourself enveloped with the delicate floral scent of his laundry detergent. He gave you a navy t-shirt with the logo of his familyâs business on the front and a pair of basketball shorts that reach your knees, and that you have to tie very tightly at your hips so it stays up. You canât help but admire yourself in the mirror, for some reason feeling more like a girlfriend than ever before in your life.
When you hear the front door open, you come out to meet him in his living room. As Layla trots over to her bed, he stops for a second when he sees you, mouth slightly agape as his eyes rake your body. You feel shy under his gaze, but surprise yourself by also revelling in the attention, in the way his desire is so evident in his gaze, in the smirk that grows on his lips as he crosses the distance to you.
âNice walk?â you ask.
âYeah. You look good,â he says, hands finding your hips, shameless in the way he looks down at you now.
In the shower, you were so preoccupied with simply being here that you didnât spare a thought for what would happen nextânow, under the intensity of Jaeyunâs gaze and the effect of his proximity, you feel unprepared, completely at a loss for what to do with yourself.
Itâs lucky for you that Jaeyun, on the other hand, seems to know exactly what he wants to do with you.
âCan I kiss you?â he asks, voice low and gravelly unlike youâve ever heard it before, and it sends shivers down your spines. You donât trust your voice to work properly, so you nod your assent instead.
Seconds pass like eternity between his question and the moment his lips actually touch your lips. One of his hands leaves your hips to find your chin instead, raising it a little with his thumb so your face is perfectly angled towards his. His touch is gentle, more of a request than a demand, and you crave to melt into it, to let him lead you wherever he wants you.
His lips meet yours, delicate and cautious, like he doesnât want to scare you off. They move languidly against each other, giving you the time you need to adapt to this without being overwhelmed. You raise your arms and wrap them around his neck while his hand sneaks its way to your lower back, pushing you gently closer towards him, your chest now flush to his. Fire courses through your veins as his tongue meets yours, deepening the kiss and making your thoughts hazy, incoherent, unimportant.
You never dreamed it would be this easy. One kiss, and itâs like a faucetâs opened up inside you, all the desire and want and longing that youâve kept trapped inside pouring out of you boundlessly. You wouldnât know how to control it if you had toâand thankfully, Jaeyun doesnât seem to want you to. He meets you right where you are, holding onto you just as tightly as you are onto him, moaning shamelessly when your fingers tug sharply at his hair, his head thrown back as you pepper his throat with wet, messy kisses.Â
His mouth doesnât leave yours as he walks you to his bedroom. Only when he sits down on his bed do you get a glimpse of his expressionâthe lust-blown pupils, the reddened cheeks, the lips plump and shiny with saliva. His hands are practically on your ass as he brings you down towards him, helping you into a straddling position on his lap. He presses kisses to your cheek, your jawline, then, resting his forehead against yours, asks with a throaty voice, âYouâre okay with this?â
You smile, wrap your arms tighter around his neck. âIâm definitely okay with this.â
âGood,â he replies, then wastes no time pressing his lips back to yours.
Years of repressed feelings come out in this kissâthat much is clear in its desperation, in the way you both grab onto whatever parts of the other you can reach, like you want to tether yourselves to each other. When you break apart for air, Jaeyun whispers in your ear how long heâs wanted to do this, lips brushing against your skin as he speaks, making you shake lightly in his hold. The longer you kiss, the weaker the resistance in your thighs grows, and you soon find yourself sitting right on his lap, his bulge hard and demanding attention beneath you. His grip on your hips tightens, but itâs the only sign he gives you of being affectedâonly when you roll your hips experimentally against his does he let out a loud moan right into your mouth, which you take as a green light to keep going.Â
You push him down onto the mattress, practically laying on top of him as you grind yourself against him, a small whimper leaving your throat every time his erection rubs perfectly against your clit through your shared layers of clothing. Heâs still wearing his wedding outfit, and when his hands leave your body to unbutton his shirt, you waste no time in helping him, untucking his shirt from his trousers, unbuckling his belt. He chuckles at your eagerness, but you canât bring yourself to feel even a little embarrassedâyou donât think youâve ever desired anything this badly, and itâs messing with your head. Jaeyun looks at you like he could eat you right up, so you decide thereâs no use in hiding your appetite from him.
His hands slip underneath your t-shirt, and your skin blazes with the heat of his touch. They trail up your sides, nails briefly grazing your waist and back before they find your breasts. He gently rubs one of your nipples between his fingers, and Jaeyun curses when you release a moan in the crook of his neck, pressing your crotch against his with more urgency than before. âDoes that feel good, baby?â he asks, voice breathy as you squirm under his touch.
âYes, Yun.â
He hums in satisfaction, one hand on your ass to guide your movements against him, the other alternating between your breasts to pay them equal attention, lips never relenting in their quest to leave no inch of your neck unkissed.Â
Itâs too much and too little at once. A familiar coil tightens in your stomach, and you canât believe youâre already this close to coming undone from thisâevery man youâve slept with before has had to put in a lot more work to get you even near the edge. But with Jaeyun, all it takes is a few minutes of heavy petting and his voice in your ears, telling you how well youâre doing for him, how pretty you look using him to get yourself off.
âThatâs it, baby,â he coos as your moans get louder, your movements more erratic. âIâve got you. Let it go for me.â Itâs all you need for your orgasm to wash over you and leave you a trembling mess in his arms, his hold around your waist tight as he kisses your temple and shushes you gently.Â
When youâve calmed down somewhat, he helps you onto your back, shifting so that your head rests on his pillows. Now that youâve regained your senses, the reality of what youâve done, what youâre doing hits you. Resting on his elbow, Jaeyun gazes down at you fondly, and although you wouldâve reveled in it mere moments ago, the intensity of his attention now only brings heat to your face. You canât quite meet his eyes, a small, bashful smile playing on your lips as you play with the lapels of shirt collar. He must sense this shift in your demeanor, and asks, âDo you wanna keep going?â
Lust pangs low in your stomach. You force yourself to look into his eyes, giving him an almost imperceptible nod. His desire is so obvious on him, and truth be told, you hadnât even thought you might stop here when he still needs taking care of. The smile on his lips grows, but when you reach out to touch his erection, he tilts his head, grabbing your wrist and laying it back down next to your body. âI didnât say I was done with you, baby,â he purrs, leaning down to kiss your neck, one hand slipping under your t-shirt again.Â
âButââ
âIâve waited so long, angel. Dreamed about having you like this so many times. So be patient and give me this much, hm?â
You release a shaky breath. How can you say no when he makes it sound like letting him make you feel good is doing him a favor, and not you? âOkay.â
âThank you, angel. Help me with this?â he asks gently, lifting his t-shirt youâre wearing over your head. Youâd feel shy at lying half-naked underneath him if it wasnât for the way he admired you, like an art lover in front of their favorite painting. âSo fucking perfect,â he mutters, leaving a trail of kisses down your throat until he reaches your breasts. âCanât believe youâve been keeping this from me all this time.â
âIâm sorry, Yun.â Youâre already squirming at this touch, body screaming for more than the feather-like kisses he presses to your skin.
âNo, no, baby. Donât apologize. Iâd do it all over again, knowing Iâd get to see you like this in the end. So perfect,â he repeats, and before you can reply, he wraps his lips around your nipple, tongue darting out to lick at the sensitive bud. Your back arches off his bed, but with a firm hand to your stomach, he stops you from writhing away from his touch.Â
He seems to be content with doing this for minutes on end, lips alternating between your nipples, fingers tending to the neglected one, teeth sometimes gently nibbling at your skin, leaving behind small marks on the sides of your breasts. âThere, now you canât forget me,â he says with a self-satisfied smirk when he leans back to admire his work.
âAs if I could,â you whisper back, hands finding purchase in his hair as you bring him back towards you and kiss him.
But soon enough, another part of your body starts burning from lack of attention, but even as you buck your hips towards him to signal what you need, he doesnât noticeâor doesnât care. âYunâŚâ you eventually whine, hoping heâll understand what it is you want from this one word.
âWhatâs wrong, baby? You need something?â he asks, faking an innocent tone.
So he does knowâhe just doesnât want to give it to you so easily. Itâs too bad for you that youâre famously bad at asking for what you need.
You opt instead for grabbing his hand and leading it down to your coreâsurely, thatâs enough of a message. He cups you over your shorts, and your thighs clasp around his wrist, instinctively attempting to create more friction. His hand slips below your waistband, and he groans, forehead falling against your shoulder, when he finds your lack of underwear there. He has direct access to your folds, and he wastes no time sliding two of his fingers there, humming in appreciation. âSo wet,â he mumbles, seemingly more to himself than to you.Â
âPlease, Yun,â you plead, voice almost a winceâand it is in a way painful, having him so close to where you need.
âIâm here, angel. Iâll give you what you want.â And indeed, the next second, the pads of his fingers are on your clit, rubbing torturously slow circles onto it. On the pillow, your head falls to the side in your search for more proximity with himâyou feel his laboured breathing against your face, and you shift your body closer to him, worming one of your legs between his. As though this is getting to his head as much as yours, heâs silent for a while, his fingers gathering speed on your clit, occasionally sliding down your folds and inside of you. They go so much deeper than yours can, brushing against that spot that has your nails digging into his skin. But as he brings you closer and closer to the edge, you find yourself not wanting to fall right away, at least not like this.
âYunâŚâ you breathe out, wrapping your fingers around his wrist. He stops immediately, raising his head to look at you with unnecessary concern, making your heart soften for him.
âAre you okay? Did I hurt you?â
âNo, no, I justâŚâ
You squirm uncomfortably beneath him, and his expression shiftsâdamn him for understanding so quickly what youâre too shy to say. âYou justâŚâ he trails, smug. Resuming his kisses along your throat, he says, âTell me, baby.â
âYou know,â you huff. He laughs against your skin, and even in your annoyance, the melodic sound makes your heart skip a beat.
âHm, but Iâd rather you tell me.â
You hesitate for a few seconds. Your hand finds his bulge again, and this time, he doesnât stop you. You know he wants this as badly as you do, but if telling him is what he needs, then youâll have to comply. âI needâI wantâI want to come on your dick, Jaeyun, please,â you say, forcing out the words as quickly as you can, face burning in embarrassment.
He freezes. You hear his breathing get louder, more rugged, and itâs a few seconds before he raises himself onto his elbows, fingers at your waistband, dragging your shorts down. The smugness has all but left his features, leaving behind something like sternnessâfurrowed eyebrows, dark eyes, tight jaw. As he lifts over his head the white sleeveless tee he was wearing beneath his button-up, your hands make clumsy work of his trousers, pulling them down his thighs along with his underwear. His cock springs free, tip an angry-looking red, already leaking precum, and you wonder at the self-restraint he mustâve been exercising this entire timeâitâs clearly stronger than yours.Â
You wrap a hand around the base, transfixed by the sight, and he groans. You pump him a few times, reveling in the small moans that leave his mouth, muffled in the crook of your neck, and in the way his fingers dig into the skin of your hips. He doesnât let it go on for very long, soon leaning away from you and towards his bedside table. âLet me get a condom, baby,â he says, voice shaky.Â
âIâm on the pill. You donât need to wear one.â His head snaps back towards you, eyes wide like a kid on Christmas day.
âAre you sure?â he asks, but heâs already coming back towards you, elbows on each side of your face, peppering the side of your face with kisses.
You wrap your hand around his dick again, letting his tip graze your clit before lining it with your entrance. âYeah, I am.â
He releases a shaky breath, finding your hand and intertwining his fingers with yours before he finally pushes inside of you, slowly filling you up until he bottoms out. Slick from your previous orgasm and relaxed from his fingers, you accommodate him easily, only needing a few seconds before youâre already bucking up your hips against him, asking for more. For once, Jaeyun doesnât tease youâhe obliges instantly, pushing into you with slow, precise thrusts that have the coil tightening again in your stomach with embarrassing quickness. It doesnât help that Jaeyun groans right into your ear, whispering curses, muttering about how good you feel around him, âLike you were made for me, baby.â
His free hand slides beneath your thigh and lifts it up to rest it against his hipâthis new angle allows him to go deeper, to hit that sensitive spot with every one of his thrusts. As his movements gather speed, you feel yourself inching closer and closer to your orgasm, and when it finally hits, your nails dig into the skin of his bicep, you throw your head back, and you let the pleasure wash over you, your brain going haywire, a loud moan escaping your mouth.
Jaeyun takes the opportunity to latch his lips to your throat, biting and sucking at the skin there, surely leaving yet another mark for you to find in the morning. Youâre holding onto him like you might float away if you donât, thighs shaking as overstimulation starts to set inâand yet, when he asks with a low, gruff voice whether you can handle some more, you find yourself nodding vigorously, ready to take whatever he gives you.
âThatâs my girl.â
He slips out of you and you whine at the loss. But he quickly fills you up again, first turning you onto your side as he spoons you from behind, lifting your thigh to grant him better access and pushing into you again with no hesitation. In this position, heâs able to snake an arm around you and play with your clit, making you throw your head back against his shoulder. His pace is gentle at first, as are the kisses he presses to the side of your neck and to your shoulder as he lets you adjust to this new, deeper angle. But it doesnât take long for his rhythm to quicken as he seems to be nearing release himselfâhis thrusts get sloppier, harsher, the sounds he makes more desperate.
You didnât think itâd be possible, but between his fingers on your clit, his dick deep inside you, and his filthy words in your ears, a chasm opens within you once more and you find yourself barrelling towards it at alarming speed. With a few final hard thrusts and the feeling of Jaeyunâs release filling you to the brim, you come undone for the third time tonight, your throat tight and scratchy from moaning so much.
Jaeyun stills inside of you. Without sliding out, he wraps an arm around your middle and brings you closer to him, his hold tight and reassuring. His chest is flush against your back and you feel it rise and fall with each of his breaths; your breathing slowly evens out, eventually matching the rhythm of his. With his fingertips, he draws unintelligible patterns across the skin of your stomach and waist. Tiredness makes your limbs heavy like they could sink right into his mattress. You must be mere seconds away from sleep when you feel him slip out of you. You roll onto your back as he grabs a tissue from his bedside table, cleaning you up gently as he presses a kiss to your temple. âHow do you feel?â he asks. âDo you need anything? Some water? A shower?â
You rest an arm around his waist and wiggle closer to him. âJust you,â you say.
âI can give you that. Easy,â he says, the smile audible in his voice.
.
.
You wake up a few times during the night, unaccustomed to sharing a bed with someone elseâand not just anyone at that, but Jaeyun, whose warm body you find yourself shifting closer to whenever you regain half-consciousness and realize youâre not in his arms anymore. He barely rouses as you nuzzle your face in his neck, an arm coming up to circle your waist to accommodate your body against his. You wish nothing more than to stay like this forever, but unfortunately, your faithful alarm clock rings at nine a.m. and as you reach for your phone to turn it off, Jaeyunâs loose hold on you tightens.
âDonât go yet,â he mumbles, voice muffled against your hair, and his gravelly morning voice sends a shiver right down your spine.
You smile. âIâm not. I can stay ten minutes longer.â
He whines, pulls you in closer to him. Goosebumps appear where his fingers slightly dig into your skin. âThatâs not long enoughâŚâ
âI canât miss my flight, Yun.â
âSure you can,â he says casually, and as he starts to press kisses to your neck, you almost think he might be right. âYou can catch a later one. You can go home next week.â
You hum, lifting your head to grant him better access to your throat, shivering when his teeth graze your sensitive skin. âMy boss might have something to say about that.â
Rolling you onto your back, he drops his forehead on your shoulder with a dramatic sigh. âTen minutes, you said?â he asks, with a roll of his hips so small it could be seen as accidental. But with the way his erection presses into you, thick and firm, you have an inkling it was anything but.
âFifteen if you drive fast,â you say, already starting to get out-of-breath.
âThatâs plenty.â
Neither of you bothered to put on clothes again last night, so he easily slides two fingers between your folds, gathering your slick and trailing them upwards until they reach your clit. He seems satisfied with the wetness he finds there, quickly shifting to fill you up with his dick rather than his fingers. And indeed, fifteen minutes are plentyâin the time it takes for your alarm to ring again, heâs made you come twice, his thrusts deep and precise as though he has a knowledge of your body that dates back years and not a mere day. He releases inside of you with a groan.
It does suck, having to leave so quickly. You wish you could lay in bed with him for hours, take a shower so long it has negative environmental impacts, and have a late, hearty breakfast with him. Unfortunately, you have to speed through everythingâyou need to be at the airport at eleven at the latest, and having not foreseen you wouldnât be spending the night at your aunt, you didnât finish packing before the wedding. He seems to be as aware of this as you are, and although he keeps a smile on his lips at all times, you can see your sadness reflected in his eyes at the thought of having to say goodbye, so soon after finally opening up to each other.
But in a way, you find goodbye easier this time around. As you hug your aunt and thank her for letting you stay â at which she scoffs, saying this will always be as much your house as it is hers â youâre armed with the knowledge that youâre on good terms now, and that youâre not going back to another three years of near radio silence. Itâs not an empty promise that you make her when you tell her youâll be in touch.
Youâve never seen Jaeyun as talkative as on the drive to the airport. He blabbers away, filling every second of silence like his life depends on itâyou donât help him, quiet as can be out of fear of breaking into sobs in the middle of any given sentence. You remind yourself that this goodbye is only temporary, that youâll soon make plans for him to visit, but still, your eyes burn at the thought of going home to an empty apartment and falling asleep in a half-empty bed tonight. He must sense this because he eventually tells you, voice soft and vulnerable, âDonât cry, baby.â
You purse your lips to stop them from trembling, turning away from him so he canât see your frown. âI feel like I already miss you,â you say, so low you wonder if he can even hear you.
âIâll come see you soon. And Iâll text and call you so often every day that you wonât have time to miss me,â he replies, but you can hear it in his tone that he doesnât quite believe what heâs saying, only trying to reassure you, and himself, maybe.
âThatâs impossible,â you mutter. Youâre both silent for the rest of the drive, but his hand in yours is warm, and it does more to comfort you than any words could.Â
He parks at the airport drop-off area and gets your suitcase out of the trunk for you. He wanted to park where he could leave his car longer, and go into the airport with you, but you convinced him that the quicker your goodbye, the better off youâd be. You have the sinking feeling you might burst into tears at any moment, and you donât want his last image of you for the foreseeable future to be one with tears streaming down your cheeks, donât want him to needlessly worry or drive off with a weight on his heart.
He holds you in his arms, hands rubbing reassuring circles on your back. âIâll come up as soon as I can, okay?â he says. âIn less than a month, I promise. Any longer and I might explode.â
You laugh. âI donât want you to explode.â
âNo, thatâd be pretty unfortunate.â
With one final kiss to the pretty lips that youâll be longing for until you see Jaeyun again, you grab the handle of your suitcase and walk towards the entrance of the departures area. âText me when you land, yeah?â he asks.
You nod. âI will.â You just stand there looking at him for a whileâyouâre a bit too sad to appreciate the fact that this is your first openly emotional, tearful goodbye, but part of you basks in knowing the separation isnât hard for you only. âI love you, Yun.â
He smiles, a beautiful mix of sorrow and happiness that you want to commit to memory. âI love you more, angel.â
Every time you turn around, heâs still there leaning against his car, possibly overstaying his time at the drop-off, until youâve walked too far into the airport and canât see him anymore.
.
.
Itâs already dark outside when a text from Minjeong lights up Jaeyunâs phone. Just dropped her off, it says. I tried to stop her from drinking so much, but she said she was going through Jaeyun withdrawals, whatever that means. Anyways sheâs wasted good luck lol
He shakes his head. Heâd be annoyed if he wasnât so excited to see youâheâd told Minjeong to keep you outside for a bit longer after work, not get you drunk. But before he has time to text her back, his phone starts ringing in his hand. Smiling, he picks up, your voice immediately filling his ear.
âJaeyun,â you whine, extending the second vowel for too many secondsâMinjeong wasnât just throwing words around when she said you were wasted. You must be in the elevator by now. He has half a mind to come and get you, just in case youâre stumbling around and pressing the wrong floor numbers, but if Minjeong dropped you off at your building and not your apartment, then you must have some awareness left.
He hopes. Thereâs something important he wants to talk to you about, and heâd rather you were sober for it.
âHi, baby,â he says.
This is apparently the worst thing he could possibly say, sensing as you make a noise halfway between a grunt and a whine. âDonât call me baby when I already miss you this much. Weâve talked about this!â
You definitely havenât. âIâm very sorry,â he says, exaggerating his serious tone, but you donât catch his sarcasm.
âYes, you should be.â The telltale beep of your code being pressed into the keypad breaks the silence of your apartment, and Jaeyunâs heart races with excitement. âIâm coming home now, Minjeong took me to thisââ
Your next words get caught in your throat the moment you step inside your apartment and see him, a few meters away from you in your kitchen. You stay frozen in place, phone still to your ear as he crosses the distance between you, smiling so hard his cheeks ache.
âWelcome home, angel.â
Heâs glad to see you arenât in too much of a wretched state. Even in your wide-gazed surprise, your eyes are a bit clouded over from the alcohol, and you arenât standing quite straight on your feet, but the way Minjeong texted him, he half-expected to find you with vomit on the front of your shirt. He steadies you with a hand to your waist, grabs your wrist gently to bring your arm down now that heâs hung upâand right in front of you.
âYouâre real?â you ask, and when he nods, as though that was all the confirmation you needed, you throw your arms around his neck. âMy Yunie,â you exclaim, voice muffled against his sweatshirt, and he has to bite back his laughter. Even a year and a half into your relationship, thatâs a new one. You still get flustered when a pet name escapes your lips instead of his name. Maybe he should let you get drunk more often.
You suddenly lean back, cupping his face between your palms, eyes slightly narrowed as they drift over every inch of his face, like youâre trying to see whether anythingâs changed. He lets you, a small, endeared smile on his lips, glad for the opportunity to admire you in return.
You press your lips to his, a little more forcefully than you usually would, then rest your head against his chest once more. âWhat are you doing here?â you ask. âDid you know I was missing you extra lately?â
âOf course I did. I always know what youâre thinking.â
âOkay. What am I thinking right now?â
He hums, pretends to think for a little. âThat you love me and are so happy to see me!â
You gasp. âYes! Youâre so smart,â you exclaim, hugging him even tighter.Â
Eventually, he manages to get you out of your coat and shoes, and leads you to the kitchen, where your counter is covered in flour and uncooked, homemade dumplings. He only needs to make a few more until he can start frying them. The rice is already cooked, and a miso and vegetable stew simmers on your stove. You make yourself useful by circling your arms around Jaeyunâs waist, your head resting on his shoulders as you watch him fold dough around a beef galbi filling, your favorite.Â
âDo you wanna go wash up before we eat?â he asks softly, afraid that in your sensitive state, you might take his words the wrong way. But to his surprise, you oblige without a word, giving his cheek a kiss before heading to your bedroom.
When you havenât come back ten minutes later, he goes to check on you, and finds you laying on top of your sheets, feet not even on your mattress but still on your floor like you fell back sitting and just stayed there. Youâve managed to remove your makeup and let down your hair, but you apparently ran out of energy before you could change out of your work clothes. Drool pools at the corner of your open lips.Â
Jaeyunâs heart aches with happiness. Every time he looks at you, even like this â especially like this â all he can think is how badly he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And with every passing day that you stay with him, that you tell him good morning and good night and I love you, he thinks he might have a shot at it.
He sighs, but thereâs nothing else heâd rather be doing than slipping your trousers and blouse off of your frame and finding a large t-shirt for you to sleep in, then guiding your body underneath your sheets. You wake up once, giggle at yourself, and immediately fall back asleep.
A while later, after heâs cleaned up the kitchen, had a little bit of dinner â on his own, which he knows youâll feel awful about tomorrow â and washed up for bed, he gently closes the door of the bedroom behind him, where youâre still in deep sleep.
So heâll have to wait until the morning to share his news. Itâs alrightâhe has the whole weekend to tell you heâs found the perfect house, not too far from Gimcheon or from Daegu, where your boss has already said you could be transferred. He visited it last week, and in every room, he could picture your future together so perfectly. The kitchen in which heâll make you a late breakfast on lazy Sunday mornings, the room with a beautiful view over a garden that you could turn into an office for your work-from-home days, the bedroom that he could all too well imagine a crib in. Layla could run around in the garden. You could visit your family and friends whenever you wanted. You could be in Seoul in less than two hours with the train if you ever missed it.
Youâve been talking about moving somewhere together for a while now, but heâs still nervous to bring it up. Itâs a huge step, and he can only hope you are as ready as he is to take itâand if you arenât yet, heâll gladly wait for you to be. But as he slips into bed with you, your warm body shifting into his embrace even in sleep, he doubts heâll have to wait long at all. The days of holding back are long goneâever since itâs fully gotten through to you that he wonât ever leave your side if he can help it, youâve opened up to him like never before, let him take care of you like heâs always dreamed of.
He looks down at you and your peaceful sleeping face, his initial dangling on a thin silver chain that youâve worn since you found it again while organizing your jewelry box a few weeks ago. This is enough for now. But one day, if youâll have him, heâll make you his with another piece of jewelry, and falling asleep with you in his arms wonât be a once-in-a-while occurrence anymore.
Itâs more than enough, he thinks as he presses a kiss to your forehead, and lets the soft sound of your breathing lull him into sleep. Itâs everything.
.
.
âMy wife.â
Jaeyunâs voice is a low, possessive grunt in your ear. He says those two words like they hold the most precious meaning in the world, and it makes fire rise deep inside you.
You thought the reason Jaeyun had been so antsy during your journey to Hawaii was because heâd never travelled this far. Youâd chalked up his need to have his hand in yours or resting on your thigh for the entirety of the flight to it being his first time on a long-distance plane. You easily dismissed his clinginess on the drive from the airport to your hotel as his being tired, which always made him a little needier.
But when he pressed his body to yours the moment the door of your hotel room shut behind you, you finally understood what had actually been on his mind this entire timeâthe feeling of his erection, hard and insistent on your lower stomach, left no room for interpretation.
To be fair, since getting married three days ago, in the familiarity of your backyard and surrounded by your loved ones, youâd barely gotten any alone time. Relatives of his that lived far away stayed at your house until yesterday night, and at bedtime every night, either one or both of you were too tired to initiate anything. You havenât had sex since becoming Jaeyunâs wife, and clearly, this has been weighing on your husband.
He kisses you like he has been starving for months, desperate, ravenous, crazed. His arms around you hold you in a tight embrace, your bags haphazardly discarded at your feet. Eventually, he reaches for the back of your thighs and, legs hooked around his waist, carries you to the bed youâll call yours for the next week. You hadnât expected to break it in so quickly, but you wouldnât have it any other way, not when Jaeyunâs tongue laps at your mouth like this, not when his teeth graze your bottom lip so deliciously.
âNeed to touch you so bad, my love. Can I?â he asks, voice breathy.
âYes, Yun, please.âÂ
He slips a hand below your waistband and hums in satisfaction at the wetness he finds there. âAlways so wet for me, arenât you, baby? Always ready for me to fuck you.â
The feeling of his expert fingers on your clit render you unable to reply to himâitâs not like heâs waiting for an answer, anyway. The way you throw your head back and moan his name is all the confirmation he could need.Â
Although youâd be content to go on like this, it seems as though this isnât enough for him. He quickly withdraws his fingers, swallowing your whine of protest with a kiss. Itâs unusual, the speed with which he makes his way down your body until his face is level with your core. He normally likes to take his sweet time with you, trailing kisses all over your skin before giving in to your pleas for more. You take a little pride in knowing that you donât have to begâfor once, heâs the desperate one, heâs the one who canât wait a second longer.
Itâs obscene, and obscenely hot, the way he presses his nose against the crotch of your sweatpants and inhales deeply, a guttural groan escaping his throat. He presses kisses to your inner thighs and core over your clothes before he actually slides them down your thighs, letting them pool at your knees like he doesnât have time to take them off completely. He doesnât bother with your t-shirt, either, simply snaking his hands underneath it until they reach your breasts.
âFuck, Iâve missed this pussy so much,â he mutters, admiring it like it belongs in a museum.Â
You smile. âItâs been, like, four days.â
He shakes his head. âNever going without it for that long again.â
Jaeyun dives into your core, tongue licking a long stripe up your folds before it finds your clit and settles there, alternating between licking and sucking at the sensitive bud, two of his slender fingers quickly sliding inside of you. Your hands find purchase in his hair, tugging at it when a motion of his tongue feels particularly good, hips bucking against his mouth whenever his fingers hit that particularly deep spot inside you. He moans ceaselessly into your core, the vibrations making your thighs shake around his head, as though he needed this as much as you didâif not more. You swear you hear him mutter âmy wifeâ at some point. Embarrassingly quickly, you start to feel that familiar coil of pleasure form low in your stomach, a warm, dizzying buzz spreading throughout your entire body all the way to your fingertips.
Your relief at not having to beg turns out to be short-lived. Jaeyun makes you come on his tongue a first, then a second time, as he is often wont to do. Youâre impossibly sensitive, body heavy and boneless by the third time, but he isnât satisfied. His grip on your hips is firm, and you donât have the energy to fight itânor the willingness, really. Tears stream down your face by the time your fourth orgasm hits you, at which point you canât even tell pleasure from pain anymore. You really do need a break, though, and signal this to your husband â your husband â by lifting his head from your core.
He gives you a few minutes of physical respite, but the words that he whispers against your skin as he presses feverish kisses to your throat and jaw keep you in that hazy, nebulous headspace, and in those few minutes only, you already find yourself reaching for him, cupping his erection over his sweatpants.
You wince when he enters you, overstimulation setting in solely from having him inside you, but you shake your head when he asks if you need a longer break. âWant you, Yun,â you breathe out, holding onto his biceps, nails already digging into his skin.
As he pistons his hips into yours relentlessly, you almost canât believe this is the same man who was standing before you at the altar mere days ago, the sweetest smile on his lips and tears in his pretty eyes. You guess heâs holding true to one of his vowsâhe said heâd never make you doubt how much he loves you, and right now, you canât deny that heâs fucking you like youâre the only woman for him.
You think he must be close when his thrusts speed up and his grunts get louder. And recently, thereâs been a new telltale sign that he was inching closer to his orgasm.
âGonna fill you up, angel. Gonna stuff you full of my cum and make you the prettiest mommy ever. All round and beautiful, and carrying my baby. Show the whole world who you belong to.â
He mutters these words right into your ear just as his breathing gets heavier, more ragged, and seconds later, you feel him spurting ropes of his sperm inside you. When he first started talking to you like this, you assumed it was just long-term relationship dirty talk. But a couple of weeks ago, when you told him you were almost at the end of your last tablet of birth control, he asked how you felt about not renewing your prescriptionâso not just dirty talk, you realized.
He pulls out of you but stays on top of you, catching his breath as he rests his head on your chest and you play with his hair. Eventually, he grabs your left hand, lifts it to his lips, and presses them to your ring finger, right over the silver band. âThank you for marrying me, angel,â he whispers. âYouâve made me the happiest man on Earth.â
You kiss the top of his head, basking in the pleasant warmth of his words, of his scent, of his reassuring weight as he lays on top of you. âIâm the lucky one.â
âWill you still feel lucky when I tell you weâre not leaving this room all day?â
When you lift your head to look at him, heâs wearing a devilish grin. âWhy not?â you ask.
âBecause,â he says, pressing his lips to yours, âIâm fucking the jetlag out of you.â Your body responds to him, heat already starting to swirl in your stomach as though you havenât already taken more than you could handleâyour desire for him is a bottomless well. âAnd, so that in fifteen years, we get to embarrass our kid by telling them they were conceived in Hawaii.â
Needless to say, over the next week, you spend a lot more time in your hotel room than youâd planned, often only going out around noon or coming back halfway through dinnerâwhenever Jaeyun sees that ring around your finger, he seems to need some alone time with you.
He doesn't think he'll ever stop needing alone time with you.
Š asahicore on Tumblr, 2026. please do not repost, translate, or plagiarize my works. support your creators by reblogging and leaving feedback!
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